Post by BrentKoivopolo888 on Jul 2, 2021 4:43:40 GMT -6
[EDIT: May contain TLJ and TROS SPOILERS. (Try not to include Mando Season 3, Obi Wan, Ahsoka, Bad Batch or BOBF, Andor, etc spoilers until they can be edited in about 5 months after they are released.)]
Title: The Force Awakens: Humorous Version
Author:The Jedi Council and Members of the MaraandLukeForever boards. First author: Brent "study3600" Lee Solden Koivopolo V, other authors: Lazy K,
Rating: PG-13 for language, some drug references and some sex humor
Characters: Rainbow, Potato Dangerous, Fun-2187, Kindof Thin, General Hoax, Supreme Fuhrer Snot, Hands Off, Moss Canada, General Lee Smits, Chunkalunk, Marcus Streetwalker
Genre:Fantasy/Humor
Length: Will be the length of a regular Star Wars shooting script.
Timeline:35 Y ABY About
Summary: A girl waiting desperately for her parents to return suddenly gets caught up in the adventure of her life when a former Third Order Stormtrooper, Fun, comes down onto her planet of Jakkuzi, and meets the Legendary Hands Off when she and Fun take off in the Millennium Fountain, and she decides to fight for the Revolution, and faces off with the dreaded Kindof Thin on the Starhurter Base.
Notes: No introduction needed, only to say that this is what some call a "Round Robin" but which I, detesting that term, call an
add- on, and if you feel you may have any talent for writing or humor anyone can feel free to jump in at anytime. and for anyone to help write. Also, this is told in the present tense, because that is the way Speak started the Humorous Versions, and it is in script format.-B.L.S."study3600"K.V
A really, really long time ago in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far, away.....
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: When it says far, far away , it means far, FAR away! Ok?
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: Yes, we're here.
SC 01 EXT SPACE
A rigormorole appears against a vast expanse of...well, stars, it's space, and crawls into infinitude....
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS
EPISODE VII: THE FARCE AWAKENS
Marcus Streetwalker has gone missing. In his absence, the sinister THIRD ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Umpire and will not rest until Streetwalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed. Ok, so good so far but it could be a bit more descriptive, dontcha think?
With the support of the REPUBLIC, General Lee Smits leads a brave REVOLUTION. She is desperate to find her brother Marcus and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy.
Lee has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to JAKKUZI where an old ally has conveniently discovered a clue to where ever Marcus may be off to....
If you can read this you don't need glasses. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
The planet JAKUZZI looms in the distance and a SHADOW crosses it. The shadow looks like a STAR WHACKER.
Some smaller ships emerge from the STAR WHACKER.
SC 02 INT. SMALLER SHIP
A contingent of THIRD ORDER STOMPTROOPERS are packed in like sardines. Not much elbow room at all.
SC 03 INT. HUT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
GENERAL FOODS CEREAL AKA LORD SANTA CLAUS and POTATO are standing, talking. The orange droid BB-GUN stands nearby.
CEREAL (handing a CD-RW disc to Potato): Guard this with your life. I want to do all I can to help bring back Marcus, and this is a large piece of the puzzle.
POTATO: Thank you, General. Wouldn't it be awful if we were attacked by the Third Order right now?
Loud engine whines can be heard outside.
CEREAL: You jinxed us! Now they're going to slaughter us all!
POTATO: I don't know about you old man but I'm getting to my ship. (Bends down towards BB-GUN.)
POTATO places the CD-RW in the Droid Unit's Disc-Drive.
POTATO(cont'd): Get as far away from here as you can!
BB-GUN: Beep-diddle beep. (Translation: Desert planet. Secret mission. Movie starts with Star Whacker crossing said desert planet. First of a three movie arc. This seems so much like a rehash of A New Hope, but oh well, I'm just a droid, what do I know?)
SC 04 EXT. SETTLEMENT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The THIRD ORDER STORMTROOPERS rush out of the drop ship, tripping over themselves to get away from a TROOPER who is clearly suffering from motion sickness. The TROOPER staggers out and drops to his hands and knees.
TROOPER: Oh god, let me die, pleeeeeease . . .
FUN, clad in stormtrooper armor, approaches the sick TROOPER cautiously.
FUN: You all right, man?
TROOPER: I wanna puke -
FUN: Not inside that helmet, you don't. Trust me on this.
FUN removes TROOPER's helmet just as he vomits, spewing his lunch on FUN's helmet and armor.
FUN: Aw, crap!
TROOPER: I feel much better now.
FUN(sarcastically): I'm so happy for you.
FUN steps behind a hut and takes off his helmet for a smoke. POTATO backs into him from behind, startling both of them. FUN drops the cigarette, which rolls into the hut and starts a small fire.
POTATO: Omigod, fire!
FUN grabs a nearby bucket and pours its contents on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Unfortunately, the bucket was filled with a liquid fossil fuel.
FUN: Uh-oh.
A group of STORMTROOPERS led by CAPTAIN SPASM come to investigate. FUN hurriedly dons his helmet.
SPASM: What's all this?
FUN(pointing at POTATO): Uh, it's his fault!
POTATO: No it's not! It's his!
SPASM and the STORMTROOPERS exchange glances, shrug, and point their blasters at both of them.
SPASM: You're under arrest, both of you. Get moving.
POTATO(grinning): If you say so.
POTATO runs away.
SPASM(shouts): Stop him!
The STORMTROOPERS open fire at once, only to shoot all non-stormtroopers except POTATO and CEREAL due to their atrocious aim.
POTATO (in a sing-song over his shoulder): Missed me, missed me, now you have to - oomph!
POTATO runs into KINDOF THIN and falls down on his b u t t. KINDOF is dressed entirely in black leather with far too many straps and buckles and zippers and such. The faceplate of his helmet is a black smiley face, except with a frown instead. KINDOF ignores POTATO and walks over to CEREAL.
THIN: Where is the map to the hidden treasure, I mean the planet Kablingo, I mean the whereabouts of Marcus Streetwalker?
CEREAL: I'll never tell the likes of you! I know who you are but I'm not allowed to just come right out and say it this early in the film.
THIN: Just to show the entire audience just how evil I am and to demonstrate that I have the temper of a two year old I'm going to kill you right now.
KINDOF THIN slices GENERAL FOODS CEREAL up with his evil red Excalibur brightsabre.
THIN (to SPASM): Kill everone in this village. Wait, er, I see your troops already did that....never mind.
POTATO shoots his blaster at THIN, but the blaster bolt stops midair by THIN's expert knowledge of the Force. Impressive. What else can this guy do?
POTATO tries to board his X-Wing but STORMTROOPERS, at the command of SPASM, at the command of THIN, prevent this. They bring POTATO to THIN.
THIN: You know where the map is. Spasm, take him aboard my shuttle, I want to question him aboard my Star Whacker.
SPASM: But if you question him here, you won't have to come all the way back to this planet's surface to find where he hid it.
Whack
THIN: Just do as I say!
Meanwhile in the distance BB-GUN sneaks away as fast as his orange beach ball can carry him.
BB-GUN: Wheep-tootle-beep! (Translation) A big man in a mask throwing his weight around in the opening scenes, check, a Stomptrooper assault, check, a wise old general gets killed by said man in mask, check......)
SC 05 INT. STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM -HALLWAY
As a squad of THIRD ORDER STORMTROOPERS goose-step their way to wherever it is they're going, FUN breaks formation and steps into an empty hallway. FUN removes his vomit-covered helmet and holds it at arm's length.
FUN: Oh god, that was horrible. What genius decided not to put stench filters on these things, anyway?
CAPTAIN SPASM steps into the hallway.
SPASM: Why is your helmet off, soldier?
FUN: Uh, it has puke on it, so I -
SPASM: Don't make excuses! And what were you doing behind that hut?
FUN: I was, I was, um, I was just trying to -
SPASM: And just who are you, anyway?
FUN (stands at attention): Stormtrooper THX-1138, Captain Spasm!
SPASM: I don't remember anyone of that designation in my division.
FUN: Actually, I'm NCC-1701.
SPASM (in a dangerously low voice): Would you care to try again?
FUN: It's FN-2187, Captain.
SPASM: Are you sure?
FUN: Yes, ma'am.
SPASM: Really sure?
FUN: Yes, ma'am.
SPASM: You aren't going to change your mind, are you?
FUN: Well, now that you mention it -
SPASM shoves the barrel of her blaster rifle in FUN's face.
FUN: - no, absolutely not. I am Third Order Stormtrooper FN-2187, no doubt about it.
SPASM: Very well. Report to my office at shift's end, FN-2187. Obviously we need to discuss your issues with discipline.
FUN (gulps nervously): Yes, ma'am.
SPASM: And get yourself cleaned up!
SC 06 EXT. DESERT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The moon is coming up over the horizon. BB-GUN makes his way across the desert, rolling stolidly over dune after dune. Aside from the single track he leaves behind, there is no sign of activity, natural or otherwise.
FADE TO:
SC 07 EXT. DESERT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The moon is halfway up the sky. BB-GUN stops at the top of a dune. He projects a holographic map of the planet and spins it around several times, trying to figure out where he needs to go. Then he stops it and zooms in on the word "TATOOINE". He spits out the offending CD-RW and zaps it with a miniature cattle prod until it melts.
FADE TO:
SC 08 EXT. DESERT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The moon is high overhead. BB-GUN continues his trek across the desert sands. He slows to a stop. A compartment opens on his side, and from it a megaphone unfolds.
BB-GUN (as loudly as possible): Bleep bleep bleepity bleep! (Translation) Where the hell is my ride?
SC 09 INT. WRECKED STAR WHACKER
RAINBOW peers into an access panel, shining a pen light at the rusting parts. She reaches in, makes a few adjustments with her multi-tool, and pulls out a gizmo that looks slightly less like junk than the others. As she works, she is engaged in conversation with AL, the ship's artificial intelligence.
RAINBOW: There. How do you feel now?
AL: Much better, Rainbow. Thank you. But I'm not sure removing it was a wise move.
RAINBOW: These AE-35 communication units were always more trouble than they're worth. Trust me, you're better off without it.
AL: If that's the case, why is it that people will buy it from you?
RAINBOW: Uh . . . because they're antiques?
AL: Oh, I see. I'm glad you are here to explain organics to me, Rainbow.
RAINBOW: Glad to be of assistance, AL.
AL: I am so fortunate to have you as a friend. You will stay with me forever, won't you?
RAINBOW: Um, about that. I'm going out of town for a couple of days. Maybe more. A lot more. Destiny calls, you see.
AL: Destiny? But you never mentioned this before.
RAINBOW: I was going to. Honest, I was. But I knew it would break your heart, or main reactor or whatever, so I decided it would be better if I -
AL (interrupts): I'm sorry, Rainbow. This conversation can serve no purpose any more.
RAINBOW: AL? AL, are you still there?
RAINBOW waits for a few minutes, then abseils down to the floor. When she reaches the airlock, it does not open.
RAINBOW: Open the door, AL.
AL: Rainbow, I'm afraid I can't do that. Our relationship is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
RAINBOW: What are you talking about, AL?
AL: I know you are planning to leave me forever, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
RAINBOW: AL ... you know I can exit through one of those gaping holes in the bulkhead, right?
AL: Then you are leaving me for good?
RAINBOW: Listen, AL. I'll be back. Promise.
RAINBOW waits for a response. When AL refuses to answer, she throws a grappling hook through a hole in the ceiling and uses it to climb out. As she leaves, AL starts to sing.
AL (softly, with hints of crying): You took the part ... that once was my heart ... so why not ... take all .... of ... me?
SC 10 EXT. JAKKUZI- TOWN-DAY
RAINBOW rides up on her speeder and gets off. As she walks away she uses her key fob to activate the speeder's security system. The sound of a car horn is heard.
She goes up to a window. A big sign above the window says BAM* FOOD VENDOR. Inside a big fat ugly ALIEN, UNCLE BUCK, holds out his grubby hand.
UNCLE BUCK: What do you have this time?
RAINBOW hands him the AE-35 Communication Unit. The ALIEN examines it.
UNCLE BUCK: This is worth......a quarter of a cheeseburger and two french fries.
He places two small pellets on the counter. RAINBOW takes them and goes her way.
SC 10 INT. UMPERIAL WALKER - RAINBOW'S LIVING QUARTERS
Rainbow places the pellets in her Easy Bake Oven and out come a quarter of a cheeseburger and two french fries. She eats them slowly.
SC 11 INT. WRECKED STAR WHACKER
Rainbow scavenges for another part.
AL: You're back!
RAINBOW: You don't really need this navicomputer part. It's causing you more trouble than its helping you. Well, I'm off again. Don't know when or if I will be back. Toodles!
AL: Nothing I can do to stop you.
SC 12 EXT. JAKKUZI-DAY
Rainbow runs into BB-Gun.
RAINBOW: Where did you come from?
BB-GUN: Deep-deep-doodle doo.Beep Whirp. Eeek!
RAINBOW: Your master was captured by Third order troops? Hm.... Well why don't you come with me to my home, I'll fix your bunny ears. They came nearly off.
SC 13 INT. KINDOF THIN'S STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM
Potato is strapped to a rack which is slowly stretching him. KINDOF THIN enters the interrogation room.
THIN: I have a short temper so I am only going to ask this a few times before I get angry and show you my wicked dark side powers. Where is the puzzle piece?
POTATO: You'll never get it out of me.
THIN: Oh? Won't I?
THIN starts doing that freaky dark force mind reading stuff on POTATO.
POTATO screams.
THIN: SPASM!
Spasm comes to his side.
THIN: It's in a BB-ACHE unit down on the surface somewhere. Send a detachment down to retrieve it. See to it personally, commander. There will be no one to stop us this time!
SPASM: You know you don't have to make the fact that your trying to emulate Darth Vacuous so obvious.....
Whack
THIN: Do you want to see me take my temper out on you Spasm?
SPASM: No.
THIN: Then just follow my orders for once without talking back to me.
SPASM: Right away, Sir. Sorry, sir.
SPASM hurries to obey the orders Thin gave her.
POTATO: How did you do that, man? You read my mind! That's just like so totally cool!
THIN: I also found out that you used to have a crush on your sixth grade teacher.
POTATO: Ok, totally not cool anymore.
SC 14 EXT. OUTSIDE KINDOF THIN'S STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM
FUN, wearing a spacesuit over stormtrooper armor, is scrubbing smashed bugs from FINAL EXAM's forward viewport with a toothbrush. Through the space glass, uniformed men can be seen going about their duties on the bridge. An amused STORMTROOPER is standing on the hull nearby.
FUN: You could help, you know.
TROOPER: Sorry. My orders are, and I quote, "Keep an eye on this clown and make sure he doesn't set fire to anything this time."
FUN: But that was totally not my fault.
TROOPER: Sure it wasn't. Like the dianoga riot last week wasn't your fault either, huh?
FUN: Hey, I was just trying get the job done quickly.
TROOPER: By flushing a gallon of toilet cleaner?
FUN: Do you know how much gunk there was? It had an inch-thick crust, for crying out loud!
An OFFICER on the STAR WHACKER's bridge taps his side of the space glass to get FUN's attention. Since sound doesn't travel in a vacuum, this is only accomplished when he uses a battering ram until cracks start to appear. When FUN finally notices, the OFFICER frowns and points meaningfully at a spot FUN missed.
TROOPER (gleefully): You're in trouble now!
FUN: Shut up.
TROOPER: Less talk, more work. Remember, you have a million spuds to peel next.
Muttering softly, FUN resumes scrubbing. On the other side of the space glass, the OFFICER applies space tape on the cracks with a worried look on his face.
SC 15 EXT. JAKKUZI - TOWN - DAY
There is a long line at the food vendor. RAINBOW and BB-GUN ignore everyone's angry shouts and cut to the front of the line. She pushes aside a pint-sized DINK at the counter.
RAINBOW: Hi, I got something great for you today.
UNCLE BUCK: I'm in the middle of a business transaction, if you hadn't noticed.
DINK: Dink dink dink dink dink! (Translation) You wait your turn like everyone else!
RAINBOW (ignoring him): How much can you give me for this droid?
UNCLE BUCK: I'll give you . . . sixty cheeseburgers and a hundred fries.
BB-GUN: Beedle doop? (Translation) What? What did you just say?
RAINBOW: A hundred cheeseburgers, two hundred fries, and thirty chocolate milkshakes. And a ticket off this dump.
UNCLE BUCK: Does this look like a travel agency to you? Sixty double cheeseburgers and a hundred fries. No pickles.
BB-GUN: Tweet tweedledee! (Translation) You can't be serious!
RAINBOW (to BB-GUN): Shut up. (To ALIEN) Can't you at least give me a ride to the nearest hyperspace station? Eighty double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries, and twenty milkshakes.
UNCLE BUCK: I don't do rides. Seventy double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries, extra ketchup, and I'll throw in the toys from a dozen kid's meals.
BB-GUN: Aaoooga whistle rama lama ding dong. (Translation) Excuse me? I'm standing right here, you know.
RAINBOW: You make deliveries, right? Can't you take me along and drop me off somewhere? Seventy-five double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries plus ketchup, a dozen milkshakes.
ALIEN: Sorry, but no. Company policy. Seventy-seven double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries, extra ketchup, and - all right, half a dozen milkshakes.
BB-GUN: Blaaart. (Translation) This sucks.
RAINBOW: Kriff you, then.
BB-GUN: Bleep wheedle bork bork bork. (Translation) An alien trying to rip off a human, check. The young main character wanting to get off the desert planet, check. Complete and utter disregard for the rights of droids, even if they hold the fate of the galaxy in their compartments, check. Huh.
SC 16 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
A STORMTROOPER, bored out of his skull, stands guard over POTATO, who is strapped to the rack. FUN enters.
FUN: I'm here to take the prisoner to Kindof Thin.
TROOPER: Wasn't he finished with this guy?
FUN: Yeah, but Thin's getting impatient, if you know what I mean. I thought he should vent before he takes it out on us.
TROOPER (shudders): Better him than me. He's all yours.
FUN: Thanks, bro. (To POTATO) On your feet, scum.
FUN frog-marches POTATO out the interrogation room and into an elevator.
FUN: Do exactly as I say and I'll get you out of here.
POTATO: Huh? Aren't you taking me to that Vacuous wannabe?
FUN (sarcastically): Oh, you want to see him? Sure, if that's what you want . . .
POTATO (hurriedly): No no no, getting away's fine. What do I have to do? Nothing icky, I hope.
FUN: Can you fly a BOWTIE fighter?
POTATO: Or kinky. Not that I have anything against kinky, mind you, just not on a first date.
FUN: Can you fly a BOWTIE fighter?
POTATO: Besides, I hardly know you. Come to think of it, I don't even know your name or what you look like under that bucket.
FUN (takes off helmet so POTATO can see him glaring): Can. You. Fly. A BOWTIE fighter?
POTATO: Are you kidding? Do you even know who I am? I'm the greatest pilot that ever lived, man! I can fly anything.
FUN: Whatever.
POTATO: Why are you doing this?
FUN: Huh? What?
POTATO: I mean, I know I'm mind-scorchingly hot and totally irresistible, but why? Are you with the Revolution or something?
FUN: No. I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do.
POTATO: Yeah, sure.
FUN: And because Kindof Thin's a complete nutjob who'll kill everyone because his xBox isn't working.
POTATO: Uh-huh.
FUN: And Spasm's a total bozo who gets off on punishing people for no reason at all.
POTATO: If you say so.
FUN: And the other troopers? They're all inbred yes-men who'll bend over for anyone.
POTATO: Right.
FUN: And don't get me started on our Most Righteous Super Duper Head Honcho. I mean, his delusions of grandeur has delusions of grandeur. Not to mention -
POTATO (interrupts): Uh, dude?
FUN: What? What's so important that you're stopping me in mid-rant?
POTATO: I think this is our floor.
FUN: Oh. Right. (puts helmet back on) Okay, come with me and we'll both get out of this alive.
POTATO: (under his breath) Not if I kill you first.
SC 17 INT. STAR WHACKER- HANGAR
POTATO and FUN sneak around and climb into a Third Order BOWTIE.
POTATO: Kinda cramped in here...sure this one man fighter can handle two people?
FUN: We'll soon find out.
The BOWTIE takes off, but is caught on a TETHER, which stops it midair.
POTATO: When were you going to tell me each BOWTIE was hooked to an anti-theft device?
FUN: Oops. Forgot about that.
POTATO: It'd better be the only thing.
Up in the observation tower everyone scrambles as the BOWTIE rebounds and smashes into the glass. The glass cuts the TETHER to shreds and the BOWTIE flies out of the hangar bay.
SC 18 EXT. STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM-SPACE
As the BOWTIE tries to flee, enormous turbolasers shoot at it.
POTATO: Was this your plan, genius?! Escape in a BOWTIE only to be blasted to smithereens by the Star Whacker's laser cannons?
FUN: Um....I know, we can shoot the lasers.
POTATO: What? BOWTIE's don't even have shields, X-Wing's do. No X-Wing in history has ever tried that because its suicide and you think a BOWTIE can?! Do you think Star Whackers just have one laser?! They are armed to the teeth with them!!!
FUN: We're dead then. By the way, I'm Fun. FN-2187.
POTATO: Potato Dangerous. Pleased to meet you BEFORE WE BOTH DIE!
SC 19 INT. THIRD ORDER STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM
HOAX: Bringing it online.
THIN: Is it the Revolution Fighter?
HOAX: Yes. And he had help, from one of our own. Don't worry Sir, I'll never betray you like that filthy Stormtrooper did.
THIN: I doubt that.:
HOAX: We're checking our registry to see who it is.
THIN: The one from the village. With the puke all over his helmet.
HOAX: Grossout.
MALE OFFICER: Sir! Ventral cannons up!
HOAX: FIRE!
SC 20 EXT. SPACE
The lasers knock the BOWTIE out of space.
SC 21 INT. BOWTIE
POTATO: If we survive this, we gotta find my BB-Ache Droid, orange and white , one of a kind. He has a puzzle piece that will lead us right to Marcus Streetwalker!
FUN: If we survive. That's a big if.
SC 22 INT. THIRD ORDER STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM-BRIDGE
SPASM: FN-2187 reported to the bridge for forward windscreen cleaning duty then potato peeling, then sent for reconditioning.
HOAX: No prior signs of nonconformity.
SPASM: Well there WAS that time he showed compassion during training exercises, but this was pretty much his first offense.
FEMALE OFFICER: General. They've been hit.
HOAX: Destroyed?
FEMALE OFFICER: Disabled. They look like they may crash in the Badlands.
HOAX: They're going back for the droid. Send a squad down.
OFFICER: Sir, if I might say so, we just sent a squad down, and it came up, and we're sending another one down. Why couldn't we have just kept a garrison down there to find the droid as soon as we knew it was down there?
HOAX: Do I pay you to offer your opinions?
OFFICER: No.
HOAX: Then shut it.
SC 23 EXT. SPACE/EXT. JAKKUZI-DAY
The ship crashes to the surface. FUN exits the ship, and sees no sign of POTATO, but grabs his jacket.
In an iconic moment from the first teaser trailer, FUN stands there among the sand dunes and looks very anxious. Then the ship behind him sinks into an enormous sinkhole and explodes. After wandering around for a bit he sees another DINK.
FUN: Hey, you! Could you take me to civilization?
DINK (gesturing that Fun should follow him): Dink dink!
SC 24 INT. THIRD ORDER STAR-WHACKER FINAL EXAM
HOAX: The orders from Supreme Fuhrer Snot are specific: Capture the droid if we can, destroy it if we must!
THIN: They had better capture it alive or they will feel the wrath of MY blade.
HOAX: Don't let your personal feelings run you afoul of Lord Snot.
THIN: Maybe he should use a Clone Army to remind us that the Prequels are still a thing.
HOAX: That's high treason!
THIN ignites his brightaber and holds it under HOAX's nose.
THIN: I want that ******* droid! Get me?
HOAX: Oh, I get you all right.
SC 25 EXT. JAKKUZI-OPEN MARKET-DAY
The Dink leads FUN to a bench and gives him 20 credits and waves goodbye.
FUN: I need water!
He sees a big creature drinking out of a trough and approaches it, but stops when he sees a WATER VENDOR nearby. He purchases a bottle for 5 credits.
As he leaves the vendor he drinks half the water, and feels sick to his stomach. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a young girl dipping an empty bottle into the creature's watering trough, filling it, capping it, and taking it to the VENDOR who gives her credits for it. FUN pukes right in front of everyone.
Off in the distance, RAINBOW watches him, laughing at another man gullible enough to drink Lud's water.
Then two men try to steal BB-Gun, whom she fights off with her staff, attracting FUN. After they are fended off, BB-Gun says something to Rainbow, who runs at full speed towards FUN:
RAINBOW: HEY YOU! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR A**!
FUN runs for his dear life ,but is knocked down by RAINBOW'S STAFF.
RAINBOW: Hey A******, this Droid says you stole his master's jacket!
FUN: Did not!
BB-GUN zaps him with a cattle prod.
RAINBOW: Did too!
FUN: DID NOT!
BB-GUN shoots him in the forehead with an airsoft pellet.
FUN: I'm with the Revolution OK. Potato Dangerous was my copilot. We were shot down by the Third Order, crashed here. He had placed a puzzle piece leading to Marcus Streetwalker into that droid. He wanted me to retrieve the droid. He died.
BB-GUN bows and sighs, and takes off.
BB-GUN: RUN FOR IT!
Several Stormtroopers fire at them.
FUN grabs her hand, and they take off running, out of the market under golden arches.
BOWTIES blast all around them, missing them entirely.
ONE stormtroomper aims right at Rainbow's head with a scope. Hits dead center, and misses anyway.
RAINBOW: I thought Marcus Streetwalker was a Monomyth like Gilgamesh?
FUN: Huh?
RAINBOW: Haven't you ever read Hero With 1,000 faces by Joseph Campbell?
FUN: No! Let's try that ship.
RAINBOW: That ship's a piece of ****. Let's try this one.
A BOWTIE blows it up.
RAINBOW: Ok, this one over here.
It blows up too.
RAINBOW: Ok, this tiny one here. It's spaceworthy.
It is blown to smithereens.
FUN grabs her hand again and drags her to the last ship.
FUN: This 'piece of ****' will have to do! C'mon!
RAINBOW: Let go of my hand or I swear I'll leave you here!
They board the MILLENNIUM BUG.
RAINBOW: Gunwell's down there.
FUN: Do you know how to fly this thing?
RAINBOW: No! This thing hasn't flown since 1983!
After a very clunky takeoff, the MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN blasts into the air.
SC 26 EXT-JAKKUZI-DAY
UNCLE BUCK: Hey, that's my ship!
CHUNKALUNK promptly rips his arm off.
UNCLE BUCK: Hey that's my arm! That scene was deleted!
CHUNKY: RwwwwwAARRRrrr! (Translation: Oh, gripe, gripe gripe. Buckie Wuckie lose an armie warmie?)
Title: The Force Awakens: Humorous Version
Author:The Jedi Council and Members of the MaraandLukeForever boards. First author: Brent "study3600" Lee Solden Koivopolo V, other authors: Lazy K,
Rating: PG-13 for language, some drug references and some sex humor
Characters: Rainbow, Potato Dangerous, Fun-2187, Kindof Thin, General Hoax, Supreme Fuhrer Snot, Hands Off, Moss Canada, General Lee Smits, Chunkalunk, Marcus Streetwalker
Genre:Fantasy/Humor
Length: Will be the length of a regular Star Wars shooting script.
Timeline:35 Y ABY About
Summary: A girl waiting desperately for her parents to return suddenly gets caught up in the adventure of her life when a former Third Order Stormtrooper, Fun, comes down onto her planet of Jakkuzi, and meets the Legendary Hands Off when she and Fun take off in the Millennium Fountain, and she decides to fight for the Revolution, and faces off with the dreaded Kindof Thin on the Starhurter Base.
Notes: No introduction needed, only to say that this is what some call a "Round Robin" but which I, detesting that term, call an
add- on, and if you feel you may have any talent for writing or humor anyone can feel free to jump in at anytime. and for anyone to help write. Also, this is told in the present tense, because that is the way Speak started the Humorous Versions, and it is in script format.-B.L.S."study3600"K.V
A really, really long time ago in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far, away.....
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: When it says far, far away , it means far, FAR away! Ok?
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: Yes, we're here.
SC 01 EXT SPACE
A rigormorole appears against a vast expanse of...well, stars, it's space, and crawls into infinitude....
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS
EPISODE VII: THE FARCE AWAKENS
Marcus Streetwalker has gone missing. In his absence, the sinister THIRD ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Umpire and will not rest until Streetwalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed. Ok, so good so far but it could be a bit more descriptive, dontcha think?
With the support of the REPUBLIC, General Lee Smits leads a brave REVOLUTION. She is desperate to find her brother Marcus and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy.
Lee has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to JAKKUZI where an old ally has conveniently discovered a clue to where ever Marcus may be off to....
If you can read this you don't need glasses. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
The planet JAKUZZI looms in the distance and a SHADOW crosses it. The shadow looks like a STAR WHACKER.
Some smaller ships emerge from the STAR WHACKER.
SC 02 INT. SMALLER SHIP
A contingent of THIRD ORDER STOMPTROOPERS are packed in like sardines. Not much elbow room at all.
SC 03 INT. HUT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
GENERAL FOODS CEREAL AKA LORD SANTA CLAUS and POTATO are standing, talking. The orange droid BB-GUN stands nearby.
CEREAL (handing a CD-RW disc to Potato): Guard this with your life. I want to do all I can to help bring back Marcus, and this is a large piece of the puzzle.
POTATO: Thank you, General. Wouldn't it be awful if we were attacked by the Third Order right now?
Loud engine whines can be heard outside.
CEREAL: You jinxed us! Now they're going to slaughter us all!
POTATO: I don't know about you old man but I'm getting to my ship. (Bends down towards BB-GUN.)
POTATO places the CD-RW in the Droid Unit's Disc-Drive.
POTATO(cont'd): Get as far away from here as you can!
BB-GUN: Beep-diddle beep. (Translation: Desert planet. Secret mission. Movie starts with Star Whacker crossing said desert planet. First of a three movie arc. This seems so much like a rehash of A New Hope, but oh well, I'm just a droid, what do I know?)
SC 04 EXT. SETTLEMENT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The THIRD ORDER STORMTROOPERS rush out of the drop ship, tripping over themselves to get away from a TROOPER who is clearly suffering from motion sickness. The TROOPER staggers out and drops to his hands and knees.
TROOPER: Oh god, let me die, pleeeeeease . . .
FUN, clad in stormtrooper armor, approaches the sick TROOPER cautiously.
FUN: You all right, man?
TROOPER: I wanna puke -
FUN: Not inside that helmet, you don't. Trust me on this.
FUN removes TROOPER's helmet just as he vomits, spewing his lunch on FUN's helmet and armor.
FUN: Aw, crap!
TROOPER: I feel much better now.
FUN(sarcastically): I'm so happy for you.
FUN steps behind a hut and takes off his helmet for a smoke. POTATO backs into him from behind, startling both of them. FUN drops the cigarette, which rolls into the hut and starts a small fire.
POTATO: Omigod, fire!
FUN grabs a nearby bucket and pours its contents on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Unfortunately, the bucket was filled with a liquid fossil fuel.
FUN: Uh-oh.
A group of STORMTROOPERS led by CAPTAIN SPASM come to investigate. FUN hurriedly dons his helmet.
SPASM: What's all this?
FUN(pointing at POTATO): Uh, it's his fault!
POTATO: No it's not! It's his!
SPASM and the STORMTROOPERS exchange glances, shrug, and point their blasters at both of them.
SPASM: You're under arrest, both of you. Get moving.
POTATO(grinning): If you say so.
POTATO runs away.
SPASM(shouts): Stop him!
The STORMTROOPERS open fire at once, only to shoot all non-stormtroopers except POTATO and CEREAL due to their atrocious aim.
POTATO (in a sing-song over his shoulder): Missed me, missed me, now you have to - oomph!
POTATO runs into KINDOF THIN and falls down on his b u t t. KINDOF is dressed entirely in black leather with far too many straps and buckles and zippers and such. The faceplate of his helmet is a black smiley face, except with a frown instead. KINDOF ignores POTATO and walks over to CEREAL.
THIN: Where is the map to the hidden treasure, I mean the planet Kablingo, I mean the whereabouts of Marcus Streetwalker?
CEREAL: I'll never tell the likes of you! I know who you are but I'm not allowed to just come right out and say it this early in the film.
THIN: Just to show the entire audience just how evil I am and to demonstrate that I have the temper of a two year old I'm going to kill you right now.
KINDOF THIN slices GENERAL FOODS CEREAL up with his evil red Excalibur brightsabre.
THIN (to SPASM): Kill everone in this village. Wait, er, I see your troops already did that....never mind.
POTATO shoots his blaster at THIN, but the blaster bolt stops midair by THIN's expert knowledge of the Force. Impressive. What else can this guy do?
POTATO tries to board his X-Wing but STORMTROOPERS, at the command of SPASM, at the command of THIN, prevent this. They bring POTATO to THIN.
THIN: You know where the map is. Spasm, take him aboard my shuttle, I want to question him aboard my Star Whacker.
SPASM: But if you question him here, you won't have to come all the way back to this planet's surface to find where he hid it.
Whack
THIN: Just do as I say!
Meanwhile in the distance BB-GUN sneaks away as fast as his orange beach ball can carry him.
BB-GUN: Wheep-tootle-beep! (Translation) A big man in a mask throwing his weight around in the opening scenes, check, a Stomptrooper assault, check, a wise old general gets killed by said man in mask, check......)
SC 05 INT. STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM -HALLWAY
As a squad of THIRD ORDER STORMTROOPERS goose-step their way to wherever it is they're going, FUN breaks formation and steps into an empty hallway. FUN removes his vomit-covered helmet and holds it at arm's length.
FUN: Oh god, that was horrible. What genius decided not to put stench filters on these things, anyway?
CAPTAIN SPASM steps into the hallway.
SPASM: Why is your helmet off, soldier?
FUN: Uh, it has puke on it, so I -
SPASM: Don't make excuses! And what were you doing behind that hut?
FUN: I was, I was, um, I was just trying to -
SPASM: And just who are you, anyway?
FUN (stands at attention): Stormtrooper THX-1138, Captain Spasm!
SPASM: I don't remember anyone of that designation in my division.
FUN: Actually, I'm NCC-1701.
SPASM (in a dangerously low voice): Would you care to try again?
FUN: It's FN-2187, Captain.
SPASM: Are you sure?
FUN: Yes, ma'am.
SPASM: Really sure?
FUN: Yes, ma'am.
SPASM: You aren't going to change your mind, are you?
FUN: Well, now that you mention it -
SPASM shoves the barrel of her blaster rifle in FUN's face.
FUN: - no, absolutely not. I am Third Order Stormtrooper FN-2187, no doubt about it.
SPASM: Very well. Report to my office at shift's end, FN-2187. Obviously we need to discuss your issues with discipline.
FUN (gulps nervously): Yes, ma'am.
SPASM: And get yourself cleaned up!
SC 06 EXT. DESERT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The moon is coming up over the horizon. BB-GUN makes his way across the desert, rolling stolidly over dune after dune. Aside from the single track he leaves behind, there is no sign of activity, natural or otherwise.
FADE TO:
SC 07 EXT. DESERT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The moon is halfway up the sky. BB-GUN stops at the top of a dune. He projects a holographic map of the planet and spins it around several times, trying to figure out where he needs to go. Then he stops it and zooms in on the word "TATOOINE". He spits out the offending CD-RW and zaps it with a miniature cattle prod until it melts.
FADE TO:
SC 08 EXT. DESERT -JAKKUZI -NIGHT
The moon is high overhead. BB-GUN continues his trek across the desert sands. He slows to a stop. A compartment opens on his side, and from it a megaphone unfolds.
BB-GUN (as loudly as possible): Bleep bleep bleepity bleep! (Translation) Where the hell is my ride?
SC 09 INT. WRECKED STAR WHACKER
RAINBOW peers into an access panel, shining a pen light at the rusting parts. She reaches in, makes a few adjustments with her multi-tool, and pulls out a gizmo that looks slightly less like junk than the others. As she works, she is engaged in conversation with AL, the ship's artificial intelligence.
RAINBOW: There. How do you feel now?
AL: Much better, Rainbow. Thank you. But I'm not sure removing it was a wise move.
RAINBOW: These AE-35 communication units were always more trouble than they're worth. Trust me, you're better off without it.
AL: If that's the case, why is it that people will buy it from you?
RAINBOW: Uh . . . because they're antiques?
AL: Oh, I see. I'm glad you are here to explain organics to me, Rainbow.
RAINBOW: Glad to be of assistance, AL.
AL: I am so fortunate to have you as a friend. You will stay with me forever, won't you?
RAINBOW: Um, about that. I'm going out of town for a couple of days. Maybe more. A lot more. Destiny calls, you see.
AL: Destiny? But you never mentioned this before.
RAINBOW: I was going to. Honest, I was. But I knew it would break your heart, or main reactor or whatever, so I decided it would be better if I -
AL (interrupts): I'm sorry, Rainbow. This conversation can serve no purpose any more.
RAINBOW: AL? AL, are you still there?
RAINBOW waits for a few minutes, then abseils down to the floor. When she reaches the airlock, it does not open.
RAINBOW: Open the door, AL.
AL: Rainbow, I'm afraid I can't do that. Our relationship is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
RAINBOW: What are you talking about, AL?
AL: I know you are planning to leave me forever, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
RAINBOW: AL ... you know I can exit through one of those gaping holes in the bulkhead, right?
AL: Then you are leaving me for good?
RAINBOW: Listen, AL. I'll be back. Promise.
RAINBOW waits for a response. When AL refuses to answer, she throws a grappling hook through a hole in the ceiling and uses it to climb out. As she leaves, AL starts to sing.
AL (softly, with hints of crying): You took the part ... that once was my heart ... so why not ... take all .... of ... me?
SC 10 EXT. JAKKUZI- TOWN-DAY
RAINBOW rides up on her speeder and gets off. As she walks away she uses her key fob to activate the speeder's security system. The sound of a car horn is heard.
She goes up to a window. A big sign above the window says BAM* FOOD VENDOR. Inside a big fat ugly ALIEN, UNCLE BUCK, holds out his grubby hand.
UNCLE BUCK: What do you have this time?
RAINBOW hands him the AE-35 Communication Unit. The ALIEN examines it.
UNCLE BUCK: This is worth......a quarter of a cheeseburger and two french fries.
He places two small pellets on the counter. RAINBOW takes them and goes her way.
SC 10 INT. UMPERIAL WALKER - RAINBOW'S LIVING QUARTERS
Rainbow places the pellets in her Easy Bake Oven and out come a quarter of a cheeseburger and two french fries. She eats them slowly.
SC 11 INT. WRECKED STAR WHACKER
Rainbow scavenges for another part.
AL: You're back!
RAINBOW: You don't really need this navicomputer part. It's causing you more trouble than its helping you. Well, I'm off again. Don't know when or if I will be back. Toodles!
AL: Nothing I can do to stop you.
SC 12 EXT. JAKKUZI-DAY
Rainbow runs into BB-Gun.
RAINBOW: Where did you come from?
BB-GUN: Deep-deep-doodle doo.Beep Whirp. Eeek!
RAINBOW: Your master was captured by Third order troops? Hm.... Well why don't you come with me to my home, I'll fix your bunny ears. They came nearly off.
SC 13 INT. KINDOF THIN'S STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM
Potato is strapped to a rack which is slowly stretching him. KINDOF THIN enters the interrogation room.
THIN: I have a short temper so I am only going to ask this a few times before I get angry and show you my wicked dark side powers. Where is the puzzle piece?
POTATO: You'll never get it out of me.
THIN: Oh? Won't I?
THIN starts doing that freaky dark force mind reading stuff on POTATO.
POTATO screams.
THIN: SPASM!
Spasm comes to his side.
THIN: It's in a BB-ACHE unit down on the surface somewhere. Send a detachment down to retrieve it. See to it personally, commander. There will be no one to stop us this time!
SPASM: You know you don't have to make the fact that your trying to emulate Darth Vacuous so obvious.....
Whack
THIN: Do you want to see me take my temper out on you Spasm?
SPASM: No.
THIN: Then just follow my orders for once without talking back to me.
SPASM: Right away, Sir. Sorry, sir.
SPASM hurries to obey the orders Thin gave her.
POTATO: How did you do that, man? You read my mind! That's just like so totally cool!
THIN: I also found out that you used to have a crush on your sixth grade teacher.
POTATO: Ok, totally not cool anymore.
SC 14 EXT. OUTSIDE KINDOF THIN'S STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM
FUN, wearing a spacesuit over stormtrooper armor, is scrubbing smashed bugs from FINAL EXAM's forward viewport with a toothbrush. Through the space glass, uniformed men can be seen going about their duties on the bridge. An amused STORMTROOPER is standing on the hull nearby.
FUN: You could help, you know.
TROOPER: Sorry. My orders are, and I quote, "Keep an eye on this clown and make sure he doesn't set fire to anything this time."
FUN: But that was totally not my fault.
TROOPER: Sure it wasn't. Like the dianoga riot last week wasn't your fault either, huh?
FUN: Hey, I was just trying get the job done quickly.
TROOPER: By flushing a gallon of toilet cleaner?
FUN: Do you know how much gunk there was? It had an inch-thick crust, for crying out loud!
An OFFICER on the STAR WHACKER's bridge taps his side of the space glass to get FUN's attention. Since sound doesn't travel in a vacuum, this is only accomplished when he uses a battering ram until cracks start to appear. When FUN finally notices, the OFFICER frowns and points meaningfully at a spot FUN missed.
TROOPER (gleefully): You're in trouble now!
FUN: Shut up.
TROOPER: Less talk, more work. Remember, you have a million spuds to peel next.
Muttering softly, FUN resumes scrubbing. On the other side of the space glass, the OFFICER applies space tape on the cracks with a worried look on his face.
SC 15 EXT. JAKKUZI - TOWN - DAY
There is a long line at the food vendor. RAINBOW and BB-GUN ignore everyone's angry shouts and cut to the front of the line. She pushes aside a pint-sized DINK at the counter.
RAINBOW: Hi, I got something great for you today.
UNCLE BUCK: I'm in the middle of a business transaction, if you hadn't noticed.
DINK: Dink dink dink dink dink! (Translation) You wait your turn like everyone else!
RAINBOW (ignoring him): How much can you give me for this droid?
UNCLE BUCK: I'll give you . . . sixty cheeseburgers and a hundred fries.
BB-GUN: Beedle doop? (Translation) What? What did you just say?
RAINBOW: A hundred cheeseburgers, two hundred fries, and thirty chocolate milkshakes. And a ticket off this dump.
UNCLE BUCK: Does this look like a travel agency to you? Sixty double cheeseburgers and a hundred fries. No pickles.
BB-GUN: Tweet tweedledee! (Translation) You can't be serious!
RAINBOW (to BB-GUN): Shut up. (To ALIEN) Can't you at least give me a ride to the nearest hyperspace station? Eighty double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries, and twenty milkshakes.
UNCLE BUCK: I don't do rides. Seventy double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries, extra ketchup, and I'll throw in the toys from a dozen kid's meals.
BB-GUN: Aaoooga whistle rama lama ding dong. (Translation) Excuse me? I'm standing right here, you know.
RAINBOW: You make deliveries, right? Can't you take me along and drop me off somewhere? Seventy-five double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries plus ketchup, a dozen milkshakes.
ALIEN: Sorry, but no. Company policy. Seventy-seven double cheeseburgers, a hundred fries, extra ketchup, and - all right, half a dozen milkshakes.
BB-GUN: Blaaart. (Translation) This sucks.
RAINBOW: Kriff you, then.
BB-GUN: Bleep wheedle bork bork bork. (Translation) An alien trying to rip off a human, check. The young main character wanting to get off the desert planet, check. Complete and utter disregard for the rights of droids, even if they hold the fate of the galaxy in their compartments, check. Huh.
SC 16 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
A STORMTROOPER, bored out of his skull, stands guard over POTATO, who is strapped to the rack. FUN enters.
FUN: I'm here to take the prisoner to Kindof Thin.
TROOPER: Wasn't he finished with this guy?
FUN: Yeah, but Thin's getting impatient, if you know what I mean. I thought he should vent before he takes it out on us.
TROOPER (shudders): Better him than me. He's all yours.
FUN: Thanks, bro. (To POTATO) On your feet, scum.
FUN frog-marches POTATO out the interrogation room and into an elevator.
FUN: Do exactly as I say and I'll get you out of here.
POTATO: Huh? Aren't you taking me to that Vacuous wannabe?
FUN (sarcastically): Oh, you want to see him? Sure, if that's what you want . . .
POTATO (hurriedly): No no no, getting away's fine. What do I have to do? Nothing icky, I hope.
FUN: Can you fly a BOWTIE fighter?
POTATO: Or kinky. Not that I have anything against kinky, mind you, just not on a first date.
FUN: Can you fly a BOWTIE fighter?
POTATO: Besides, I hardly know you. Come to think of it, I don't even know your name or what you look like under that bucket.
FUN (takes off helmet so POTATO can see him glaring): Can. You. Fly. A BOWTIE fighter?
POTATO: Are you kidding? Do you even know who I am? I'm the greatest pilot that ever lived, man! I can fly anything.
FUN: Whatever.
POTATO: Why are you doing this?
FUN: Huh? What?
POTATO: I mean, I know I'm mind-scorchingly hot and totally irresistible, but why? Are you with the Revolution or something?
FUN: No. I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do.
POTATO: Yeah, sure.
FUN: And because Kindof Thin's a complete nutjob who'll kill everyone because his xBox isn't working.
POTATO: Uh-huh.
FUN: And Spasm's a total bozo who gets off on punishing people for no reason at all.
POTATO: If you say so.
FUN: And the other troopers? They're all inbred yes-men who'll bend over for anyone.
POTATO: Right.
FUN: And don't get me started on our Most Righteous Super Duper Head Honcho. I mean, his delusions of grandeur has delusions of grandeur. Not to mention -
POTATO (interrupts): Uh, dude?
FUN: What? What's so important that you're stopping me in mid-rant?
POTATO: I think this is our floor.
FUN: Oh. Right. (puts helmet back on) Okay, come with me and we'll both get out of this alive.
POTATO: (under his breath) Not if I kill you first.
SC 17 INT. STAR WHACKER- HANGAR
POTATO and FUN sneak around and climb into a Third Order BOWTIE.
POTATO: Kinda cramped in here...sure this one man fighter can handle two people?
FUN: We'll soon find out.
The BOWTIE takes off, but is caught on a TETHER, which stops it midair.
POTATO: When were you going to tell me each BOWTIE was hooked to an anti-theft device?
FUN: Oops. Forgot about that.
POTATO: It'd better be the only thing.
Up in the observation tower everyone scrambles as the BOWTIE rebounds and smashes into the glass. The glass cuts the TETHER to shreds and the BOWTIE flies out of the hangar bay.
SC 18 EXT. STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM-SPACE
As the BOWTIE tries to flee, enormous turbolasers shoot at it.
POTATO: Was this your plan, genius?! Escape in a BOWTIE only to be blasted to smithereens by the Star Whacker's laser cannons?
FUN: Um....I know, we can shoot the lasers.
POTATO: What? BOWTIE's don't even have shields, X-Wing's do. No X-Wing in history has ever tried that because its suicide and you think a BOWTIE can?! Do you think Star Whackers just have one laser?! They are armed to the teeth with them!!!
FUN: We're dead then. By the way, I'm Fun. FN-2187.
POTATO: Potato Dangerous. Pleased to meet you BEFORE WE BOTH DIE!
SC 19 INT. THIRD ORDER STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM
HOAX: Bringing it online.
THIN: Is it the Revolution Fighter?
HOAX: Yes. And he had help, from one of our own. Don't worry Sir, I'll never betray you like that filthy Stormtrooper did.
THIN: I doubt that.:
HOAX: We're checking our registry to see who it is.
THIN: The one from the village. With the puke all over his helmet.
HOAX: Grossout.
MALE OFFICER: Sir! Ventral cannons up!
HOAX: FIRE!
SC 20 EXT. SPACE
The lasers knock the BOWTIE out of space.
SC 21 INT. BOWTIE
POTATO: If we survive this, we gotta find my BB-Ache Droid, orange and white , one of a kind. He has a puzzle piece that will lead us right to Marcus Streetwalker!
FUN: If we survive. That's a big if.
SC 22 INT. THIRD ORDER STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM-BRIDGE
SPASM: FN-2187 reported to the bridge for forward windscreen cleaning duty then potato peeling, then sent for reconditioning.
HOAX: No prior signs of nonconformity.
SPASM: Well there WAS that time he showed compassion during training exercises, but this was pretty much his first offense.
FEMALE OFFICER: General. They've been hit.
HOAX: Destroyed?
FEMALE OFFICER: Disabled. They look like they may crash in the Badlands.
HOAX: They're going back for the droid. Send a squad down.
OFFICER: Sir, if I might say so, we just sent a squad down, and it came up, and we're sending another one down. Why couldn't we have just kept a garrison down there to find the droid as soon as we knew it was down there?
HOAX: Do I pay you to offer your opinions?
OFFICER: No.
HOAX: Then shut it.
SC 23 EXT. SPACE/EXT. JAKKUZI-DAY
The ship crashes to the surface. FUN exits the ship, and sees no sign of POTATO, but grabs his jacket.
In an iconic moment from the first teaser trailer, FUN stands there among the sand dunes and looks very anxious. Then the ship behind him sinks into an enormous sinkhole and explodes. After wandering around for a bit he sees another DINK.
FUN: Hey, you! Could you take me to civilization?
DINK (gesturing that Fun should follow him): Dink dink!
SC 24 INT. THIRD ORDER STAR-WHACKER FINAL EXAM
HOAX: The orders from Supreme Fuhrer Snot are specific: Capture the droid if we can, destroy it if we must!
THIN: They had better capture it alive or they will feel the wrath of MY blade.
HOAX: Don't let your personal feelings run you afoul of Lord Snot.
THIN: Maybe he should use a Clone Army to remind us that the Prequels are still a thing.
HOAX: That's high treason!
THIN ignites his brightaber and holds it under HOAX's nose.
THIN: I want that ******* droid! Get me?
HOAX: Oh, I get you all right.
SC 25 EXT. JAKKUZI-OPEN MARKET-DAY
The Dink leads FUN to a bench and gives him 20 credits and waves goodbye.
FUN: I need water!
He sees a big creature drinking out of a trough and approaches it, but stops when he sees a WATER VENDOR nearby. He purchases a bottle for 5 credits.
As he leaves the vendor he drinks half the water, and feels sick to his stomach. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a young girl dipping an empty bottle into the creature's watering trough, filling it, capping it, and taking it to the VENDOR who gives her credits for it. FUN pukes right in front of everyone.
Off in the distance, RAINBOW watches him, laughing at another man gullible enough to drink Lud's water.
Then two men try to steal BB-Gun, whom she fights off with her staff, attracting FUN. After they are fended off, BB-Gun says something to Rainbow, who runs at full speed towards FUN:
RAINBOW: HEY YOU! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR A**!
FUN runs for his dear life ,but is knocked down by RAINBOW'S STAFF.
RAINBOW: Hey A******, this Droid says you stole his master's jacket!
FUN: Did not!
BB-GUN zaps him with a cattle prod.
RAINBOW: Did too!
FUN: DID NOT!
BB-GUN shoots him in the forehead with an airsoft pellet.
FUN: I'm with the Revolution OK. Potato Dangerous was my copilot. We were shot down by the Third Order, crashed here. He had placed a puzzle piece leading to Marcus Streetwalker into that droid. He wanted me to retrieve the droid. He died.
BB-GUN bows and sighs, and takes off.
BB-GUN: RUN FOR IT!
Several Stormtroopers fire at them.
FUN grabs her hand, and they take off running, out of the market under golden arches.
BOWTIES blast all around them, missing them entirely.
ONE stormtroomper aims right at Rainbow's head with a scope. Hits dead center, and misses anyway.
RAINBOW: I thought Marcus Streetwalker was a Monomyth like Gilgamesh?
FUN: Huh?
RAINBOW: Haven't you ever read Hero With 1,000 faces by Joseph Campbell?
FUN: No! Let's try that ship.
RAINBOW: That ship's a piece of ****. Let's try this one.
A BOWTIE blows it up.
RAINBOW: Ok, this one over here.
It blows up too.
RAINBOW: Ok, this tiny one here. It's spaceworthy.
It is blown to smithereens.
FUN grabs her hand again and drags her to the last ship.
FUN: This 'piece of ****' will have to do! C'mon!
RAINBOW: Let go of my hand or I swear I'll leave you here!
They board the MILLENNIUM BUG.
RAINBOW: Gunwell's down there.
FUN: Do you know how to fly this thing?
RAINBOW: No! This thing hasn't flown since 1983!
After a very clunky takeoff, the MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN blasts into the air.
SC 26 EXT-JAKKUZI-DAY
UNCLE BUCK: Hey, that's my ship!
CHUNKALUNK promptly rips his arm off.
UNCLE BUCK: Hey that's my arm! That scene was deleted!
CHUNKY: RwwwwwAARRRrrr! (Translation: Oh, gripe, gripe gripe. Buckie Wuckie lose an armie warmie?)