A-VI Rehash of the Jedi (ROTJ HV)(Incomplete)

WARNING: GENERAL SW SAGA SPOILERS

All credit for anything not my own in these scripts goes to their authors. Any change or alteration made to any original material from other authors made for editorial purposes or for continuity or in keeping with the rules of theforce.net.

Title: Return of The Jedi Humorous Version

Author: The Jedi Council and the Mara/Luke Boards Members: study3600, Gonk, ariusvaldayn
Rating: PG-13 for violence, language, drug references and sex related humor

Characters: MARCUS STREETWALKER, Lee Smits, Umporer Palpitatine, Hands Off, Chunkalunk the Cookie, Darth Vacuous

Genre: Fantasy/humor

Timeline: 4 Y ABY About

Length: Will be the length of a typical Star Wars Script

Summary: Marcus Streetwalker returns to his home planet of Patootie to rescue Hands Off from the vile clutches of Pizza Du Hutt. Meanwhile the Umperor Palpitatine has secretly begun construction of Deadly Star 2: The Sequel.

Notes: The Humorous Versions were started in 1999 by Speak, Darth Vacuous and Purp. This particular thread, ROTJ HV was entirely kept going by Gonk and me so far. There have been many contributers to the Humorous Versions over the years and decades: T, Jandor_Tarvin, Shalimar, Darth To The Waist, Agent J, Lazy K, Darth Revvin, GENERAL RIKKAN and many, many more. But I want to get Episode III HV done first before finishing this one.

The other movie and movie script-based Humorous Versions:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Completed HV's:



I (Technically, though it still is incomplete unless there is SOMEONE out there with a copy of the original.)

II

IV

V



Incomplete HV's

III

VI

VII

VIII


Not started yet:

IX



Extracurricular:



STARTED:


ROUGE ONE



HANDS OFF PART ONE

The MacGuffin

The Clown Wars- incomplete

The Holiday Special -we can do it but hands off the ending--it is too sacred to touch



NOT STARTED

The Goofy Bunch



Rebelliousness


I cant do all this alone. -BLSK"study3600"V



 III MUST be finished before VI is completed. That is a must. Now is the time for all good men and women in the JCC to come to the aid of the Humorous Versions.

God bless.-Brent Ciou.


To work on this Script, go to:  maraandlukeforever.boards.net/thread/160/return-jedi-humorous-version-incomplete

To work on Episode III Humorous Version, go to: maraandlukeforever.boards.net/thread/69/revenge-sith-humorous-version-incomplete

]

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, or something like that....



SC 01 SPACE- the final frontier.

These are the voyages of the- er, wrong movie.



The boundless heavens serve as a backdrop for the MAIN TITLE, followed by a FRUIT ROLL-UP!, which crawls into infinity, and beyond



THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS



Episode III, oops, VI

REHASH OF THE JEDI



Marcus Streetwalker has returned to his pathetic home planet of Patootie in an attempt to rescue his friend, Hands Off,
from the clutches of the vile, fat, bloated, disgusting gangsta Pizza du Hutt.

Little does Marcus know that the GALACTIC UMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armoured space station even more powerful than the first laughed-at Deadly Star.

But one battlestation can't stop the Rebelliousness Group, especially if they go blow it up while it's half finished....





PAN DOWN! to reveal the half completed Deadly Star II, which looks nothing like an octopus. Beyond is the greenish forest moon of Endorphin.



A star whacker moves overhead toward the massive space station, followed by BOWTIES, which make awesom SHROOM! sounds that are impossible since there's no sound in space.



SC 02 INTERIOR-EMPERIAL SHUTTLE-COCKPIT



The shuttle captain is about to make contact with the Deadly Star



CLOAKED FIGURE: Captain.



CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?



CLOAKED FIGURE: Tell them we wish to board at once.



Captain switches on viewscreen.



CAPTAIN (to controller): With all due respect, Vacuous wishes to board at once.



CONTROLLER: Yes, of course. Ah, as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy to receive the ambassa-dors. The security deflector shield will be deactivated immediately.



Back in the passenger seats Vacuous enjoys a ruby bliel.



SC 03 INT. DEADLY STAR II CONTROL ROOM



(Operators move about among the control panels. A shield operator presses a big green button marked TURN SHIELDS OFF. A control officer rushes to the shield operators.)



OFFICER: Inform the commander Vacuous's shuttle has arrived.





OPERATOR: Roger Dodger.



(The control officer moves to a viewport and watches as the Emperial shuttle lands in the massive docking bay. A squad of Emperial stomptroopers move into formation before the craft.



The DEADLY STAR COMMANDER, Moth Jerryrod, a tall, confident Democrat, strides through the assembled troops to the base of the shuttle ramp. The troops snap to attention. Many are scared and nervous, very uneasy about the new arrival. But the Deadly Star Commander stands arrogantly tall, like a visit from Darth Vac was always a pleasant thing. The shuttle opens, and from the darkness inside comes heavy footsteps and slow mechanical breathing. Out of the void comes Darth Vacuous, Lord of the Sith.



DEADLY STAR II-- THE SEQUEL DOCKING BAY



*There is a long moment where everyone is very still, waiting for the ominous music to play itself out. Jerryrod finally gives the orchestra, a ramshackle bunch of stormtroopers, a dirty look, and the music grinds down to a dismal halt.*



JERRYROD: (coughs) Lord Vacuous, this is an unexpected pleasure. We are honored by your--



WHACK!



VACUCOUS: You may dispense with the pleasantries commander, I am here to kick your a**.



WHACK!



JERRYROD: Ow! I thought you used the force to discipline commanders!



VACUOUS: I've improved the method.



WHACK!



JERRYROD: But--



WHACK!



JERRYROD: I assure you--



WHACK!



JERRYROD: My men are working as fast as they can!



WHACK! WHACK!



*Jerryrod looks about for a moment, and realizes Vacuous has already moved on, and he'd being pummeled by his own men, gathered around in a circle and giving him the boots*



JAY AND SILENT BOB: *Living out thier dream as contact troopers aboard the Deadly Star* Snootchie B*****ies!



WHACK!



*Jerryrod crawls out from beneath everyone's legs and follows Vacuous*



VACUOUS: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them. Like kicking your a** some more...*begins to motion for the troopers again*



JERRYROD: No, no...that's not necessary. Couldn't you just have brought beer and nachos.



VACUOUS: I did. It's in the shuttle.



*Troopers suddenly look to one another and charge up the shuttle ramp*



VACUOUS: *Puts hand to his helmet and shakes head* Damn, I knew that was just going to slip out...



JERRYROD: I tell you this station will be operational as planned.



VACUOUS: Brian Dennehy does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.



JERRYROD: But he-- Ryan Dennecheese? Who the hell is Ryan Dennecheese? What about the Emperor?



VACUOUS: *waves his hand dismissively* Well...yes, him too.



JERRYROD: Look, Ry- D- I mean, The Emperor or whoever, asks the impossible! *looks either way, sees the troopers coming back down with thier beer and nachos and so motions Vacuous closer and whispers* I need more men!



VACUOUS: Huh? You need Hoolie Channe?



JERRYROD: *whispering* No! More men!



VACUOUS: I'm sorry commander, Hoolie Channe is simply out of the question. What sort of man are you, asking like that anyway? You some sort of stalker on poor miss Channe?



JERRYROD: *shouting now* More men! I need more men! *looks around* sir.



VACUOUS: More men? But what does this have to do with Hoolie Channe?



JERRYROD: Look, it has nothing to do with-



VACUOUS: *holds out palm* No, stop with the explanation, I don't want to know your sick Grand Moffioso fantasies. Talk to the hand. If you want someone to listen to them, perhaps you can tell the Emperor all about it when he arrives.



JERRYROD: *Agahst* The Emperor's coming HERE?



VACUOUS: That is correct commander. Well, close enough. Actually it's more of an extended stop-over on his way to the Wall-Mart. Apparently the one way out here is the only one that sells prime Darth Sideous action figures still in their proper casing.



JERRYROD: *agahst* Darth Sideous action figures in their proper CASING?



VACUOUS: That is correct commander. Me, I don't get it. It's almost as if there were some unfathomable connection between the Emperor and this mysterious 'Sideous' bloke. Perhaps the master is some sort of fan; lord knows he dresses exactly like the guy. Not that it's anything like you and your sick obsession with Hoolie Channe, mind you. I really should look into getting him a Sideous autograph...



JERRYROD: *agahst* an AUTOGRAPH?



VACUOUS: That is correct-- wait, stop that! Yes, the Emperor's coming here. Reap the whirlwind.



JERRYROD: We shall double our efforts.



VACUOUS: I hope so commander, for your sake. There Emperor is not as... as... as VACUOUS as I am.



*Vacuous storms off and the troopers leap to their instruments in order to signal his departure. He leaves and the music ascends to a crescendo. Suddenly Vacuous turns about and stalks back, forcing the orchestra to try and play his theme backwards.*



VACUOUS: *looking



PATOOTIE DAY-- OUTSIDE OF PIZZA DU HUTT'S CASINO PALACE EXTRAVAGANZA. STINKY-O AND R2 MAKE THIER WAY TOWARDS THE BUILING, POKING THIER WAY THROUGH THE PARKING LOT



STINKY-O: Of course I'm absolutely chicken. And you should be too. Lando and Rover never returned from this awful place.



R2: Bloop-de-bleep-click-a click ding! (Translation: It's a gambling house. You think that media-whore Lando would pass up a chance to win money?)



STINKY-O: Last we saw them though, they were heading in the extreme opposite direction. And at a pretty fast click too. In fact, the only way we even know they might be here was that one distress call the Rebels got from Lando saying "Help me! Aaaarrrggghhh!" From such conclusive evidence, it's a good bet he's somewhere here. No doubt Pizza somehow captured them.



R2: Bleep! (Translation: Yes, pity. Wonder how that could have happened.) *suddenly a huge bag marked '$' falls out of one R2's compartments.*



STINKY-O: What's that?



R2: Bleep-de-bloop Braka-braka braka-JulieNumar- bleep click twirl-step-check- bloop de brick (Translation: What's what?)



STINKY-O: That. That bag there.



R2: Bleep block. (Translation: Oh, nothing. Laundry)



STINKY-O: But-- you don't wear laundry. You're a robot.



R2: Bleep. (Translation: I can't believe this! Must I suffer your wild and deluded accusations again and again? Why don't you just paint a target on me and call me Clinton? Have you no heart? Have you no shame?)



STINKY-O: Alright, alright. Well, at least we're not going in alone. You remember what happened the LAST time we were walking alone in this desolate place. Thank god for our backup, whoever this is.



*STINKY-O turns around to look at thier new friend, an imperial probe droid*



STINKY-O: What was your name again?



PROBE DROID: *responds in imperial code from ESB*



STINKY-O: Riiight. I see. Well, is it ok if we pick a name for you? Hm, how about 'patsy'?



*Probe Droid makes no movement*



STINKY-O: Right, off we go. Come, patsy!



PIZZA THE HUTT'S CASINO ENTRANCE-- DAY



*Moving through the parking lot the three droids move amongst the cars and skiffs, everything silent. Only the odd bum hangs about, with bright neon signs reading "Pizza's" all about the building. Patsy lags behind, making the odd report and for some reason banging two coconut halves together. They arrive at the main door.*



STINKY-O: Hm. Noone to greet us. How typical. Better knock I suppose.



*noone does anything*



STINKY-O: I said, better KNOCK I suppose...



R2: Bwoop-de-bleep...(Translation: Oh, bloody hell...)*R2 extends an arm and weakly knocks on the door.*



STINKY-O: Thank you, R2. But there's no answer. Obviously nobody home. Let's go back and feel up Princess Lee some more.



R2: Bweep. (Translation: Damn STRAIGHT!)



*Suddenly a slot opens in the door and a rather organic eyestalk pops out*



EYESTALK: Wrar!



STINKY-O: What the-- Goodness me, it's a Dianoga! How'd they fit one of those in the door?



EYESTALK: WRAR!



R2: Bweep. (Translation: Very painfully, by the sound of it.)



STINKY-O: Well it does sound like he means business. But I don't speak Dianoga...



R2: Bwrap-bwrap hit me baby one more time! (Translation: Six million forms of communication and you don't know Dianoga?)



STINKY-O: Six million, yes... but four million of them are ebonic dialects.



EYESTALK: WRAAAAAAAAAAR!!!! *Creak is heard*



STINKY-O: What was that?



Voices (above):Ferver le voche! Ferver le Voche!



*Suddenly there is an earsplitting MOOO as a cow crashes down to the earth behind them, landing on Patsy the probe droid, who self-destructs.*



STINKY-O: Holy PETA! They DO mean business! Look here Mr. Dianoga we're only here as er-- couriers-- FedEx couriers-- to deliver a message to Pizza the Hutt. Is he in?



DIANOGA: Rowr?



STINKY-O: Pizza the Hutt, I said, is he in?



DIANOGA: *as if they are carrying on a conversation* Rowr-rowr. Rowrrowrrowrrowr...rowr.



STINKY-O: I have no idea what the hell you just said.



DIANOGA: I said shut up already and get inside.



STINKY-O: Oh.



*Door opens and the droids continue on inside. They walk, R2 leading the way-- mostly because whenever he stops STINKY-O pushes him on ahead*



R2: Bwrap! (Translation: What do you think you're doing?)



STINKY-O: Sorry R2, but when it comes down to it-- you're first against the wall. Admit it, the whole audience knows it.



*Suddenly they run into a terrifying-looking Pig Man, a GO-FORIAN GUIARD. It looks down with a grunt, and R2 backs up straight into STINKY-O*



STINKY-O: Ow, my crotch! *doubles over*



*R2 whistles, and continues to back up, running over STINKY-O's feet*



STINKY-O: Gah!



*The two droids compase themselves. A second pig-man comes out from the darkness, looking at them suspiciously. It seems a bit of a standoff, then a third guard appears, this one clearly in the shape of a Llama. The Droids and Guard all exchange glances*



GO-FOR #1: Er, we ran out of pigs.



*Suddenly an alien appears: BOB GO-FOR-TUNA-- a slimy looking Twi-Lush dressed in a Domino's delivery-boy uniform*



BOB: Chi wanni wanga!



STINKY-O: Dammit, doesn't ANYONE speak something besides babytalk around here?



BOB *Holds up finger, coughs out hairball*: Sorry, just finished with a Bantha Delivery. What can I do you mates for?



STINKY-O: We are, uh FedEx couriers, and we bring a message to your Master, Pizza the Hutt.



BOB: FedEx? Where's your uniforms?



STINKY-O: We are...er, non-union scab workers.



BOB: Shoot them. Now.



STINKY-O: No, no wait! We have a message and..er..er..



R2: A gift. (Translation: A gift)



STINKY-O: A gift, what gift?



BOB: Oh, ok. Pass it over so we can shoot you.



STINKY-O: Um...out instructions were to..eh...*looks at R2* Give it only to Jabba HIMSELF! Yes, that's right!



BOB: The huttster eh? *thinks a moment* Sure I can't just have you shot?



STINKY-O: Um...no.



*BOB continues to think but then notice the GO-FORIANS laughing at his weird Domino's uniform. He pouts and gets all upset.*



BOB: All right, come on! But this better be good!



PIZZA'S CASINO (cont.)



SEE-STINKY-O and R2 stand before the illustrious, cheesy, pepperoni covered Pizza The Hutt



R2 turns on his projector. An image of Marcus Streetwalker fills the space in front of Artoo.



MARCUS: I was big in Japan. I was the King of Ping Pong but I really sucked at Tuba. Give me Hands Off now and you can have all the money stored in my Astropop's Hollow innards, and you can have the Droids too.



STINKY-O: So that's what you were hiding from me you miserable short circuit!

Why, I oughtta-



PIZZA: I will not give up my favorite decoration *gestures* I like Captain Hans exactly where he is.



*everyone looks over to the wall*



STINKY-O: Look R2, Ren and Ferry! And they're STILL frozen in Ice Cream!



PIZZA: NO! *Gestures some more*



STINKY-O: Look R2, Farisa Romey, and her career is STILL frozen in carbonite!



PIZZA: NO! *Gestures even more. Finally we see Hands Off, his form still locked in Triple Ripple Fudge, lying on its back and being used as a coffee table by several of PIZZA's Peons*



STINKY-O: Oh look. Hands. Wow, that's uh, impressive.



R2: Bwoop-beep WHIP-CRACK! RAWHIIIIIDE! (Translation: I guess Princess Lee was wrong saying he'd never amount to anything. He makes good inanimate furniture.)



*Everyone begins laughing, the droids most of all. It all lasts a good several minutes until it eventually dies down and everyone sort of stands uselessly about, not sure what to do next.*



PIZZA: Well, I'm at a loss. I guess you two are part of my gang now. Go downstairs and the boys will fix you with your new West Side tattoos and a copy of our manual and mission statement. In the meantime let's turn up the tunes so I can watch Veronica degrade herself in the public eye some more.



VERONICA KEWPINSKY: Yeah, baby!



STUPID PIANO-PLAYING PINK ELEPHANT: *Blows incessantly from his trunk*



*Droids are shuffled out. Speakers start to power up, then suddenly fizzle and die*



PIZZA: What's going on?



BOB: I dunno boss. Looks like some sort of...communication disruption.



SIO BIBBLE: A communication disruption could mean only one thing: METALLICA!!!!!!



*PINK ELEPHANT, SY SNOOTLES, PIZZA'S CHORUS DANCERS and just about everyone previously invovled in bad special edition dance numbers flee the stage as the lights go down. Metallica takes the stage and starts right up with Master of puppets. SIO BIBBLE, who's lit his beard on fire, gets right up on stage with them and begins headbanging away.*



PIZZA: Now THIS is entertainment!



INT- DUNGEON CORRIDOR



*Droids are being led down a dank corridor by some GO-FORIAN GUARDS. Cells run on either side of the hall*



STINKY-O: What could possibly have come over master Marcus? He's never shown such signs of possible intellect before. Was it Lee? Was it me? Did he watch too much T.V?



R2: Bleep-whack, Back-In-Black. (Translation: I for one was in on it the entire time. NOW who's back is first against the wall?)



STINKY-O: Still you more than ever you malfunctioning little-



*Suddenly Harles Manswun thrusts his face out at STINKY-O*



STINKY-O: Ooh, how horrid! *Stinky-O staggers away, back against the wall*



MANSWUN: Helter Skelter! Gaul is DEAD!



*Suddenly as STINKY-O is recoiling, a fleshy arm begins to incircle his upper torso. STINKY-O turns about and sees the owner of the arm is none other than a (justly) imprisoned Kathy Lee Gifford*



STINKY-O: *Even more horrified* EEEEEEWWWWWW!



*GO-FORIAN GUARD breaks it up, smacking KATHY LEE'S arm back away from the droid*



RATHY NEE: And you tell that sumofab**** Seegis I was the popular one!



MANSWUN:Gah, keep her away! Keep her away! The horror, the horror!



*Droids carry on. At last they enter a large boiler room. They are led before a thin, menacing droid that bears an unsettling resemblance to Hannibal Lecter*



LECTER DROID: Good morning. Ah, new acquisitions. You are a protocol droid, are you not?



STINKY-O: That's none of your Quaydamn busniness.



LECTER DROID: Yes or no will do.



STINKY-O: Oh. Well, yes.



LECTER DROID: How many languages do you speak?



STINKY-O: I am fluent in over six million-



LECTER DROID: Did your mother breast-feed you?



STINKY-O: -forms of communication and can readily...wait, what?



LECTER DROID: Your mother. Did she breast-feed you?



STINKY-O: I'm a droid. I have a maker. Since when do droids have mothers?



LECTER DROID: Could happen.



STINKY-O: Not on any blueprints I've seen.



LECTER DROID: I'm sensing frustration. Tell me about this...maker. Quid-pro-quo. You may use the couch there, if you like.



STINKY-O: *Looks away, overdramatic. Lights lower a bit* I have no memory of my maker. I never new him. Or her. Or whoever. Or whatever.



LECTER DROID: Do you ever think of the maker? Thank him?



STINKY-O: Sometimes I...have these dreams... where the maker comes to me and there is a great reunion, lots of 'Yippees' and much rejoicing...



LECTER DROID: And then?



STINKY-O: and then he cuts me in half. Little punk. And everyone else handy too, as a matter a fact. I think the maker might have had some personality issues. *lights go back up* Wait, what is this? The Spanish inquisition?



*Several British Gentlemen begin to jump through the door*



MICHAEL SALIN: NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPANISH-



*GO-FORIAN closes door before he fully gets in the room*



SALIN: UGH!



STINKY-O: Why all these questions?



LECTER DROID: Honest curiousity. Why? Are you trying to test me? A census taker once tried to test me. *points to a droid getting tortured*



STINKY-O: ugh.



LECTER DROID: Oh no wait, he's over there. *Points to droid leisurely reading a Marvel Star Wars comic Book. Droid looks up, waves*



STINKY-O: That's good. After all, I can't really see the logical point of torturing a droid.



LECTER DROID: Yes, well it's all a rich tapestry. Hm. This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a 'piece' and blue cripps bandana, and send him back up to the casino.



*GO-FORIANS begin taking STINKY-O away*



STINKY-O: R2, don't leave me!



*R2, ever the humanitarian, laughs his robotic a** off*



LECTER DROID: You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn that you can't keep me locked away like this forver. No, these walls *smells* they can't keep me. I want a place far away from the Pizza. Where I can breathe the air, see the trees...



R2: Blugh. (Translation: Oh great. Here we go. Another Shakespearian has-been)



CASINO MAIN ROOM-- METALLICA IS STILL PLAYING THIER SET, AND THE MOSH PIT HAS CLEARED TO ALLOW VERONICA KEWPINSKY TO HAVE THE FLOOR ALL TO HERSELF.



VERONICA: This is fantastic! My cat's breath smells like CATFOOD!



PIMP-ACTION LANDO: Yea, swing that beat!



*Suddenly a far more obese singer, RINDA RIP (who looks suspiciously like John Hoodmonne) takes the floor to dance along with KEWPINSKY*



RIP: Offa the floor smelly woman!



KEWPINSKY: Not you again! Why are you here?



PIZZA: I like 'em big, hairy, and without a shred of dignity!



RIP: *stuffing some pizza down her enormously large mouth* Scram, interno-ferno-bai***! Yo fat a** is too big for this floor!



KEWPINSKY: Your FACE is too big for this floor! Do yourself and buy a razor to scoop off the Bantha petting zoo on your chin, would'ja already???



RIP: Oh, you going' down!



*Ladies jump at each other on the dance floor. Crowd cheers.*



KEWPINSKY: smelly woman!



RIP: loose woman!



JOHN RAWVOLTAH: FEVER!



*Brawl begins to develop. Bubba Fett, convinced the hippies are after him again, begins shooting off rockets into the crowd, PIMP-DADDY ACTION LANDO breaks off the end of a COLT 45 and enters the fray*



JASON SHETFIELDD: NOW THE WORLD IS GONE I'M JUST ONE, OH PLEASE GOD what the hell is going on here?



*crowd begins to stop. Band stops. Everyone freezes in mid-fight. One lone quarren with a drawn blaster shoots someone, hoping nobody noticed.*



SHETFIELDD: What's wrong with you people?



MARS ULWICCH: Yeah! We just ******' came here to play some poignant heavy ******' metal and you gotta go and get all violent on us!



KEWPINSKY: It's RIP'S fault!



SHETFIELDD: I don't care WHOSE fault it is, the lot of you need counseling! What's next, irresponsible crowd surfing?



ULWICCH: People get hurt doing that!



MASON NEWSTEDD: Ya bloody ****** morons! *Throws base at someone, knocking them over.*



PIZZA: HA HA! This is great! Now go and play 'Stairway to Kevin'!



ULWICCH: Kevin? Who the hell is kevin?



CRUSHED PARTYGOER: Help me!



PIZZA: You know... the Stairway song! The one you did with the Rolling Stones! I love that bit!



SHETFIELDD: Who do you think we are, Led Zepplin?



PIZZA: Led Zepplin? Is that some sort of German insult?



*Metallica begins to leave stage, strides up before PIZZA*



SHETFIELDD: This gig sucks! We're getting our money and leavin' this smelly joint!



PIZZA: *waves hand* But we already paid you.



SHETFIELDD: We're Metallica! Mind tricks don't work on us, only money!



ULWICCH: Yeah! What, you some Napster user or something?



PIZZA: CRAP, THEY'RE ONTO ME! *He flies into a panic, hitting a whole plethora of buttons near his heated throne*



KEWPINSKY: AHHHHHH!



RIP: AHHHH!



RAWVOLTAH: STAYIN' ALIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHH!



GUARD ON SENTRY DUTY: AHHHHHH!



N'STYNC IN CONCERT: AAAAAAAHHHHH!



SHETFIELDD: Huh? What was that all about?



ULWICCH: *looks about at all the open trapdoors surrounding the band* What happened to your floor? And what the HELL is that down there?



PIZZA: Pay no attention to that slobbering beast behind the curtain! Look, you'll get paid. This time I've got the money.



SHETFIELDD: If you give it to us, we might forget we accused you.



PIZZA: I don't have it with me... tell ticketmaster...



ULWICCH: Ticketmaster's through with you. They don't have time for gangsters that close up shop and clear out of town.



PIZZA: Even I lose money sometimes. You think I had a choice?



SHETFIELDD: Take it to the Board of Directors. They make only take your franchise.



PIZZA: Over my bloated anchovies!



SHETFIELDD: That's the idea. We've been looking forward to this for a long time.



PIZZA: Yes. I'll bet you have.



*Silence*



ULWICCH: Well uh...yeah.



*Suddenly there is a shot from the hallway and everyone looks of in that direction. Hurriedly PIZZA hits another button, sending his large thrown forward and pushing Metallica into the pit. When it comes back, the floor is solid and clear*



GONZO: Good one boss.



PIZZA: Yes, it's all a rich tapestry.



*One of PIZZA's PEONS goes to check out the disturbance in the throneroom's anteroom and is thrown back.



MUSSHH enters the room with a COOKIEE, in chains and cuffs.



MUSSHH: Ayyee Yeotee Chotoh (Translation: I want the bounty on this Cookie.)



PIZZA: At last, we have the Cookie Chunkalunk.



CHUNKY: (Growls) (Transltion : That's my name, fool! Don't wear it out.)



PIZZA: Oh, Stinky-O!



STINKY-O: Yes, I am here your worshipfulness. Yes?



PIZZA: Do your thing. Standard offer.



STINKY-O: Standard offer?



PIZZA: In the manual.



STINKY-O: Right *turns to MUSSHH* The illustrious PIZZA THE HUTT Inc. bids you welcome and would gladly offer you the sum of twenty cents.



MUUSSHH: Moo. Mooooooo.



STINKY-O: *To PIZZA* Buck and a quarter. No less.



*PIZZA flies into a rage, hitting more buttons on his console. Anvils begin dropping over the room, nailing people on the head*



PIZZA: What is this? Win Ren Klein's money? With me as Ren Klein?



STINKY-O: What did I say?



PIZZA: Fix it! Now!



STINKY-O: Er...*turns back to MUUSSH* Pizza asks why he must make such a waste of his hard-earned, blood-soaked cash.



MUUSSH: Mer- Mooo. *Digs into clothes and produces the greatest bomb of all time*



STINKY-O: Because he's holding a copy of BATMAN AND ROBIN!



GONZO: Holy extortion Batman!



WALDORF AND THE OTHER BALCONY GUY: Looks like this deal will be a...blast! Ho ho ho ho ho ho!



PIZZA: *laughing, though obviously worried* This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Dirty and, er, scummy. Offer him seventy-five.



STINKY-O: Pizza offers seventy-five cents. And I do suggest you take it. We've got to keep the plot moving.



MUUSSH: Eh, Mooooo. *Throws BATMAN AND ROBIN over shoulder, detonating in throng of people behind her*



STINKY-O: She-- I mean he agrees!



GARTH: Party on Wayne!



WAYNE: Party on Garth!



*CHUNKY is led out by GO-FORIAN GUARDS as MUUSSH looks out over the crowd, which is getting back to normal as Wayne Newton takes the empty stage. Bubba Fett nods towards the bountry hunter, but then his body slumps against the wall and it's evident he's sleeping on his feet. Then MUUSSH spies one other figure amongst the crowd*



MUUSSH: *Waving and hollering* Lando, did you see me? I'm he- er, I mean MOOO! MOOOO! MOOOOOOOO!



PIMP-DADDY ACTION LANDO: Crimeney! Can't anyone keep a secret? *Ducks out nearest exit*



DUNGEON INTERIOR



*GO-FORIAN GUARDS push chunky unceremoniously into his cell. As the last turns to leave Chunky taps him on the shoulder. The GO-FORIAN sticks his head close to the bars and Chunky grabs him by the head, presses their mouths close together and releases a stream of black locust-like things into his mouth.*



WHACK!



*The GO-FORIAN soon staggers away, coughing*



CASINO MAIN ROOM-- NIGHT



*Things are quiet in the gambling rooms of PIZZA'S CASINO. Night has fallen and PIZZA'S throne is empty then, from in the distance, the CLANG-CLANG of an overlarge bell can be heard. MUUSSH enters the darkened room. MUUSSH pauses at the entrance, then continues*



MUUSSH's COW-BELL: CLANG! CLANG!



*MUUSSH sneaks along, then strides straight into some overhead wind chimes, and she freaks out trying to silence them. Eventually, they stop thier gentle tinkling.*



MUUSSH: Whew. *carries on*



MUUSSH's COW-BELL: CLANG! CLANG!



*MUUSH reaches the HANDS-made coffee table, and looks the situation over. With much effort and even more racket, she shoves the Tripple Ripple block of fudge up against a wall and has a look at the doohickeys on the side*



MUUSSH: Dammit, I knew I should have taken that calculus course!



VOICE FROM HIDDEN CURTAINS: That's microbiology, moron!



MUUSSH: D'oh!



*MUUSH fiddles around with the controls for a while, succeeding in getting a sound out of it that sounds like a heart-beat. After turning a few knobs, the sound turns into a flatline.*



MUUSSH: Oh, CRAP!



*MUUSH looks around in panic. Finally, as a last resort she produces a copy of STAR TREK V from her clothes and throws it at the block. It explodes like the bomb it is. When the smoke clears, Hands is stnding there, black-faced, and slowly begins to fall out of the fudge-block. MUUSSH goes to him*



MUUSSH: Just chill for a moment. You are free of the fudge.



HANDS: Chill? I'm already freezing!



MUUSSH: Shhh. You have the fudgesickle sickness.



HANDS: I can't see.



MUUSSH: That is normal, remember?



HANDS: Oh, yeah. *searches his pockets for his glasses, finds them.* Who are you?



LEE: (Taking off helmet) Someone who loves you.



They kiss



VOICE: HOHOHOHOHO



HANDS: I know that laugh.



LEE: Santa Claus, right?



The curtain falls. Pizza and all his henchmen and courtiers step forth.



PIZZA'S CASINO MAIN ROOM (CONT.)



HANDS: Pizza! Pizza old pal, look...I was on my way to pay you back, and I got a little sidetracked...



PIZZA: You went to Alderaan.



HANDS: Right, then after that...



PIZZA: You took a run on the Deadly Star.



HANDS: It was right next door! THEN we started STRAIGHT out for your place...



PIZZA: Then you went to Yavin.



HANDS: Yeah, well...save the rainforests and all that. But after THAT...after THAT me and chunky said 'dear me, poor old Pizza must be getting real lonely in that drafty casino...'



PIZZA: Then you disappeared for four years. Showed up on some ball of ice called Hot.



HANDS: The Norwegians! It was the Norwegians you see...



PIZZA: Then you went to Bespin...



HANDS: All right all right! We never came anywhere near paying you back! We took the money and ran like hell! It's not my fault!



LEE: Actually hon, that does make it your fault.



HANDS: Lee, never understimate a Correllian's ability to make something not his fault. Remember your pregnancy?



PIZZA: It's too late for that Hands.



HANDS: The pregnancy?



PIZZA: Whatever. You may have been a good smuggler-- and by this I mean you were a bad smuggler-- but NOW you're...you're...



*PIZZA is at a loss for words. BOB steps up, whispers in his ear*



PIZZA: But NOW you're SCREWED! HOHOHOHOHO!



SANTA: HOHOHOHO!



PIZZA: Shut up you! Take him away!



*SANTA is clubbed over the head with a blackjack and carried away. A few minutes late the guards come back for HANDS, who is patiently waiting, and knock him out too*



PIZZA: (motions towards LEE) Bring her to me.



LEE: You'll regret this...we have...powerful friends...they work for Greco...



PIZZA: I'm sure. *begins oozing cheeze*



STINKY-O: Oh, I can't bear to watch... so I'll have to settle for this live-action video!



PIMP-ACTION LANDO: Outa the way, I can't see anythin'!



DUNGEON CELL -- INT.



*HANDS is thrown into a wet cell*



HANDS: Well, at least this water's clean.



GO-FORIAN: Heh, that's NOT water.



HANDS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



*there is movement behind him*



HANDS: Who's there?



*Chunky snorts*



HANDS: Chunky?



*Chunky roars affirmative*



HANDS: Chunky! *Suddenly realizes he's in a cell alone with him* Er... yeah...chunky...what's up? NO! Er, I mean, what's new?



*Chunky makes some sort of garbage explanation*



HANDS: I can't believe that! Tastes great, AND less filling?



CHUNKY: Rowrrowrrowr...



HANDS: A Jedi Knight? Marcus? It's all part of the plan?



Chunky: Rowr.



HANDS: So let me get this straight: You guys had to rescue me. So someone had the bright idea of just GIVING the droids to Pizza, putting you in jail, and giving over Lee as a love slave to Pizza the Hutt?



CHUNKY: Rowr... (Translation: Well, it made a lot of sense at the time...)



HANDS: Yeah, you're a regular A-Team.



CHUNKY: Rowr (Translation: We tried the A-Team. They're two cells down.)



HANDS: Do you realize that at this rate, Pizza would have been more likely to throw me ou with the trash then for you to rescue me?



CHUNKY: Rowr...(Translation: Yes, well, it was all a rich tapestry...)



PIZZA'S CASINO -- ENTRANCE



*Door of PIZZA'S Casino opens slowly, very slowly, revealing the birght daylight of Patoootie and the hooded form of MARCUS STREETWALKER. MARCUS pauses, then takes a few steps in. Suddenly the large door slams shut behind him, right on top of his cloak*



MARCUS: *chocking* Ack! Bloody crank!



*Marcus falls onto his back, digging out a crowbar. After a few moments, he has pried the door up a few inches, enough for him to grab the rest of his cloak and continue on without losing any of the dignity he came in with, which was none anyhow. A few more strides down the main hall, two GO-FORIAN guards appear, crossing thier weapons to block his path. Smiling, MARCUS confidently gestures*



*Nothing happens*



*MARCUS frowns, gestures more vigourously*



*Nothing happens*



MARCUS: Dammit, am i not getting a signal in this place or something? *keeps gesturing*



*GO-FORIAN GUARDS scratch thier heads, start gesturing back, thinking they're playing a game*



MARCUS: Come on! Wax on, wax off! Get out of the way!



*GO-FORIANS kepp gesturing back*



MARCUS: Screw it. *Takes out a blaster, shoots them both* The force may be strong in my family, but sometimes, ya just gotta live.



*MARCUS continues along to PIZZA'S throne room. BOB GO-FOR-TUNA meets him in the outside hall*



BOB: Misa whitee Skywalker. Jabba no pasa batu.



MARCUS: Hairball?



BOB: Yep. *hacks up hairball* Now get out. We don't serve yer kind here.



MARCUS: But I must speak with PIZZA.



BOB: In the going away biz, that's what we call 'tough'.



MARCUS: You will take me to PIZZA now.



BOB: You're not helping your case here.



MARCUS: What if I said I was here to pick up a delivery.



BOB: Really? Well, that's different.



MARCUS: I have a coupon here.



BOB: *Takes it* Oh, good. Come on, you can wait in the throne room.



*The two continue into the throne room, drawing attention from everyone as they come before PIZZA. Lee is there, dressed in a very, bery skimpy golden thong swimsuit*



MARCUS: Woah.



PIZZA: What's going on here.



BOB: Boss, this is Marcus Streetwalker. The Jedi Knight.



PIZZA: I told you not to admit him! What part of that scentence do you not understand?



BOB: But he's here to pick up a delivery.



PIZZA: Really? Well, that's different.



BOB: Here, he has a coupon for our services.



PIZZA: *Looking over coupon* Wha? You weak minded fool! It reads: 'Only honored on BABYLON 5'! *Throws Bob*



BOB: Ahhhhh!



MARCUS: *To PIZZA* I had come here with the purpose of freeing Captain Hands and the Cookie. But, after seeing the wonderful work you've accomplished *gestures at Lee* Boy, am I willing to settle!



LEE: Good, get me out of here!



MARCUS: That's not the only thing I'll get you out of, baby...heheheh...



PIMP-DADDY-ACTION LANDO: *furiously writing* wait, say that again! That's classic!



PIZZA: Shut up. Now listen: Your mind tricks will not work on me, boy. None of this reverse psychology crap.



MARCUS: What reverse--



PIZZA: I said shut up! You don't scare me, you and all your funky 'powers'. I was making hostile takeovers of Jedi industries before you were born!



MARCUS: Your choice. You could either profit from this or be destroyed, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.



PIZZA: What powers? You haven't DONE anything except talk, talk, talk...



MARCUS: *holds up finger* EXACTLY! Heheheh...



PIZZA: *snorts, not amused*



STINKY-O: Master Marcus, you're standing on the--



*everyone stops, looks at STINKY-O, who suddenly stops*



MARCUS: Yes, Stinky, what is it? Something you'd like to share with all of us?



STINKY-O: Nothing sir. Nothing at all. i'm just a droid, move along...



PIZZA: Whatever. Where were we? Ah, yes. There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you get sufficiently bruised. Hohohohoho...



MARCUS: Screw this. *reaches for his blaster. A GO-FORIAN guard, dressed in red STAR TREK shirt and Secret Service sunglasses and earpiece, jumps at MARCUS*



PIZZA: Down the hatch! *slams fist down on button. Both MARCUS and a GO-FORIAN GUARD fall down into the MECHA-GODZILLA PIT.



INT-- LAIR



*Marcus winces as he looks right, then left for an escape route. The TRANSFORMERS theme music begins blaring all around him. He looks for an exit. At last he notices the neon sign between MECHAGODZILLA'S legs that reads 'back door'. He picks up his bone of death (tm) and makes a dash between the creatures legs*



MECHAGODZILLA: Ar ar ar ar... (Translation: Ha, ha, stupid *sswipe. This is easier than the time I kicked King Kong's hairy posterior)*bends down to snatch MARCUS*



*MARCUS leaps at the appropriate moment between MECHAGODZILLA'S legs and hits the 'approprite' spot on the robotic monstrocity with a mighty CLANG heard throughout the Casino.*



MECHAGODZILLA: Awwrrr... *doubles over*



INT-- PIZZAS THRONE ROOM



*Everyone looks away for a moment, wincing and holding thier crotches*



LEE: But it's a MACHINE! This is stupid, it shouldn't feel a thing!



STINKY-O: Actually, it doesn't.



LEE: Then what's with all the doubling over?



STINKY-O: Sympathy cramps. *doubles over himself*



INT--LAIR



*MARCUS makes it to the area beneath the sign, where the original rubber-suit GODZILLA-- er, I mean the original FEARSOME MONSTER had emerged. He sees a door, pounds on it*



VOICE 1: Whassa passwoid?



MARCUS: I'm about to be eaten to death by a giant, mechanized holy terror!



VOICE 1: *muttering* hm... it's an older code, but it checks out. naw... *normally* naw, thas' an old one. We don' take the holy terror one no more. New rules came in last week. Sorry. Got anything else?



*MECHAGODZILLA blasts near MARCUS, knocking him briefly from the door and singing his clothes. He gets back up*



MARCUS: How about 'I'm a Jedi Knight and if you don't open this door, I'll introduce you to an old friend of mine named ''painful hair removal from unusual places''?



VOICE 1: Well, if you're going to be bloody rude, you can just forget it.



*MARCUS cries out in anger. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a bit of cloth sticking out from the wall. He looks back to MECHAGODZILLA, who is trying to turn around but getting messed up with his tail, hand against the wall. Marcus yanks at the cloth*



VOICE 2: Ow!



*Searching, Marcus finds a hidden door. Upon opening it he sees a man with a unifrom on titled 'film crew' in a small comparment holding simple wooden sliding levers for the door. Crewman looks up, mouth open in shock.*



CREWMAN: Hamill, what in blazes do you think you're DOING???



MARCUS takes him and throws him at MECHAGODZILLA*



MARCUS: YOU FIRST!



*MARCUS flips levers opening the door, and a thin set of bars still lies in his path. Beyond he can see a spot on the floor marked 'Relative Safety'



MARCUS: Thank god, I'm almost there!



*CHARLES MANSON suddenly thrusts his face at the bars*



MANSON: Helter Skelter! Paul is DEAD!



MARCUS: Ahh! *Reels backward. Looks over to MECHAGODZILLA, now munching on the last of the crewman. MECHAGODZILLA, now fully turned about, strides into MARCUS' area.



INT-- PIZZA'S THRONE ROOM



STORMTROOPER: Wait, watch out for the...!



*Entire audience watches as MECHAGODZILLA hits its head on the top of the large release door with a laoud 'gong' sound, and staggers back a few steps*



*STORMTROOPER sighs and puts a hand over his eyes, shaking his head*



INT-- LAIR



*MARCUS looks around, having been bought a little more time. He spots a big, red button on the wall, the size of a dartboard. Sensing a way out, he picks up a skull with 'Yorick' engraved on the back, and throws it at the button. He misses*



MANSON: Hah! You throw like a GIRL!



MARCUS: Dammit, well, I'll just hit the button with the force...*Waves hand*



*Nothing happens*



MARCUS: Looks at Mechanical hand* Dammit, what's WRONG with this thing? I just got it replaced at K-Mart!



*MECHAGODZILLA is now bending underneath the large door*



*Suddenly Been-There's ghost appears*



Been-There: Cripes, boy, do I gotta do EVERYTHING for you? *Hits button, disappears*



*Suddenly siren lights go up and confetti streams from the cieling. MECHGODZILLA stops in its tracks



INT-- PIZZA'S THRONE ROOM



*Guards are bringing the prisoners in, several playing 'catch the MARCUS', tossing him from one to the other as they make thier way before PIZZA*



MARCUS: Hands!



HANDS: *looking around* What?



MARCUS: It's me!



HANDS: What?



MARCUS: It's me, Marcus!



HANDS: Oh. Great. Together again, eh?



MARCUS: Actually the last time we were in a scene together was just before the battle of Hot.



HANDS: Yeah, looks like the vacation's over. Where's Lee?



LEE: I'm here!



MARCUS: And how! Hands, you should see this dress!



HANDS: Yeah, can't be any better that time in the south passage. Mmmmm... south passage...



PIZZA: Shut up, all of you! Why is it I have to keep telling you guys to shut up? Droid, lay down the law.



STINKY-O: All right, here's how it's gonna play. You guys are all pretty much dead at this point, and Leia is Pizza's love slave. So Pizza will be pretty much becoming the Hero of the saga at this point.



MARCUS: What?



STINKY-O: Well come on you three, you're captive, miles away from any aid, and surrounded by people much cooler than yourselves. So, I've had a word or two with Pizza, and we've seen it fit that HE will be taking over Marcus' role as Darth Vacuous' son.



LEE: What, who's son?



HANDS: Who's what with the who now?



STINKY-O: Shh. Pizza will be the one going back to the alliance with Lee and with his best buds Bubba Fett and Klaatu, and they're basically be going to become heroes of the New Republic.



PIZZA: And get the girls!



LEE: I'm a girl, you've got me!



PIZZA: More girls!



STINKY-O: So, it looks like Pizza will be fighting the end duel, chasing down the scout troopers and dealing with the ewoks.



PIZZA: Ewoks? What's this about Ewoks? You didn't say nothing about no care bears!



STINKY-O: We'll get to that later. This movie is hereby declared a situation comedy and is now known as 'PIZZA-LICKIN'-GOOD'... and the three of you are scentenced to death. Any questions?



*MARCUS sticks up hand*



STINKY-O: Yes, you there up front with the sandy hair and the spacy look in your eyes.



MARCUS: This sucks.



STINKY-O: Yes, well we'll all have to do some adjusting. You there in back?



PIMP-ACTION-DADDY LANDO: Will there still be a pre-execution party?



STINKY-O: Yes, we are approved on the party. Yes, you with the confused expression?



HANDS: What's this about the death thing?



STINKY-O: Oh, that. The great PIZZA THE HUTT, er, I mean PIZZA STREETWALKER, has declared the three of you are to be thrown into the nearest waste disposal recepticle. However, this being Tatooine, the closest one is in the Pit of Carcoon, out on the Dune-ripoff Sea. There you will be thrown into the maw of a living trash compactor and slowly digested into recylable material which will be sold off to be used on this mysterious 'Death Star II' project everyone keeps talking about.



PIZZA: I hear they're taking it for a cruise around these parts once they're finished!



STINKY-O: Yes, maybe they'll drop by and say hi. Maybe let us see how it works. Well, anyhoo, let's get going with this. We haven't got all day.



MARCUS: You should have bargained, Pizza.



PIZZA: Wow mr. wise Jedi, that prophetic 'listen to me' tone almost swayed me. But then I remembered how you walked in here and just let me capture you.



MARCUS: That's just cooincidence.



*Guards take them away*



EXT-- DUNE-RIPOFF SEA



*A pair of Banthas appear on the horizon of a large desert. Moma, papa, and baby Bantha. Together they go romping off, a documentry camera crew for 'Wild Empire' following along behind.*



DOCUMENTRY DIRECTOR: Let's tag the small one with tranquilizers and put a number on it?



CAMERAMAN: Why?



DIRECTOR: Because we can.



*It sounds reasonable enough to the CAMERAMAN, so they get together, ready to make the shot with thier rifle, when suddenly PIZZA'S Sail barge and Skiffs appear, running over the documentry crew*



*Skiffs continue, the ground around them looking more and more like a junkyard. Old rusted cars lying about, rubber tires, empty fridg



INT-- PIZZA'S SAIL BARGE



*STINKY-O runs into R2, who is serving drinks*



STINKY-O: Get the hell out of my way ya bloody... oh, R2. It's you.



R2: Bllep do de de blap! (Translation: Crimney, Stinky, you just upset the drink cart! You gonna pay for all those?)



STINKY-O: *sniffs* I am now an imporant member of this gang. Look, I'm wearing the blue bandanna. You'll just have to make something up; I'm too important to be held responsible for a bunch of spilled milk.



R2: Bileap! (Translation: Yeah, YOU tell them it was only milk...)



STINKY-O: Now listen you, be careful. You're going to get us into trouble. They're finally putting those stupid rebels we've been stuck with to death and if we're not careful, us too. This is our chance to make something of ourselves, so don't blow it and do something that might accidentally save them from certain doom. Stick with me R2, and I'll be at the head of this criminal empire within months.



R2: Boop. (Translation: Yeah, run it into the ground within months is more like it. I think I liked it more when you were a heap of garbage strapped on Cookie's back.)



STINKY-O: Well who's the idiot who put me back together?



R2: Bweep-bo! (Translation: I was obviously drunk at the time)



STINKY-O: Droids don't get drunk.



R2: Buh-weep. (Translation: Which is a testament to how drunk I must have been. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on break; I'm going onto the deck to have a cigarette and laugh at Marcus' final demise.)



STINKY-O: Droids don't smoke, either.



R2: Bweep (Translation: Who said anything about smoking?)



*BUBBA FETT passes by*



FETT: What were you two talking about?



STINKY-O: Nothing, sir.



FETT: You two are pretty suspicious, you know that? Are you from the IRS? You are, aren't you? I'll teach you to mess with the most paranoid man in the galaxy, hippie scum! *reaches for blaster*



STINKY-O: No! Er, no sir, quite the opposite. I'm uh, taking bets on how the execution will turn out. How's about a wager? 10 to one odds on the compactor swallowing them whole, 20 to one it chomps them in half first. 5 to one it grabs them with a tenticle and draws them in bit by bit...



FETT: What are the odds they launch into the sail barge, smack against it, and fall in with a girlish scream?



STINKY-O: One of the favorites sir. 2 to 1 odds.



FETT: What about the chances the compactor finds them 'somewhat indegestible' and spits them back out?



STINKY-O: Yeah, right! Like that'll ever happen. The odds of that are 45 million, 263 thousand...



FETT: Er, never tell me the odds.



STINKY-O: What do you mean? I've been doing that this entire conversation!



FETT: Quiet you. I have other people to be badgering.



EXT-- PIT OF CARCOON



*The sail barge and skiffs rotate around the pit, a giant depression in the sand with a huge maw at the bottom, snapping and squealing. As everyone looks on, it proceeds to digest a mac truck, and then a very familiar looking vehicle...



MARCUS: Hey, my speeder!



HANDS: Your what?



MARCUS: My old speeder! It's getting torn to shreds like a burger at a fat camp! Damn, I knew I shouldn't have sold it for passage on your crummy ship! Now I'll never get it back!



HANDS: Hey, listen Jedi redneck...or sandneck... or whatever you call yourself now...



MARCUS: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! *Grabs HANDS*



HANDS: It's NOT my fault!



GUARD: Break it up, break it up! This is an execution, fer force's sake! Show some respect! Let's have none of this bickering and squabbling, we've got a lot of screaming and dying to get done with here.



*Sail barge pulls up. STINKY-O can be seen through the window, along with a bunch of other aliens*



STINKY-O: Raw material for the almighty trash compactor, his excellency hopes that you will die...spectacularly...especially with this on live feed on ESPN...but if any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great PIZZA STREETWALKER will now listen to your pleas.



MARCUS, HANDS, LANDO: PLEASE!



COOKIE: Rowr!



PIZZA: That wasn't funny!



MARCUS: Stinky, you tell that slime bag of worm-ridden filth, that he'll get no such contract rights from George.



PIZZA: Put them in!



MARCUS dives off the plank and falls into the SNARFLATT, who finds him untasty and spits him out. On the way up, Artoo suddenly sneezes uncontrollably and out launches Marcus's lightsaber, which Marcus catches it midair and lands on the Skiff.



ARTOO: Oh, ****, I meant to keep that blasted thing from him!



All hell breaks loose as MARCUS just starts swinging his brighsaber wildly killing everyone in sight, HANDS , CHUNKY and BILLY DEE fight, and MARCUS goes for the Skiff Controls,



PIMP ACTION BILLY DEE: *still fighting*: What are you doing?



MARCUS: Getting us out of here.



LANDO: What about Leia and the droids?



MARCUS: We'll swing around back for them during the next movie!



*BUBBA FETT LANDS ON SKIFF*



FETT: Ha-ha! Little did you suspect the presence of I, Bubba Fett, Bounty Hunter Extrord- *gets shot from gunner on Sail Barge, sounding off a loud 'DING'*



MARCUS: Cripes, I really hate those wordy Marvel comic entrances. *Several more shots pass over his head* Oh, what's this now?



LANDO: They're ticked off you're trying to escape. Now could you help me? I think...he's got hold... on layrnix...losing consciousness...



MARCUS: All right, let's get ready to rummmmmblllllleee! Hands, let's go!



HANDS *looking in other direction*: *iss off!



MARCUS: Right! *Takes two steps, but suddenly FETT is back in front of him*



FETT: Ha, thought you had me there didn't you? Little did you realize I, Bubba Fett can take several shots from a fully armed laser cannon and not feel a scratch!



MARCUS: That's bull. Nobody can do that. You're lying.



FETT: Yes, I am. However my capacity to be resurrected after silly and unsatisfying deaths knows no bounds. Now hold, while I use my most advanced gagetry to halt your advance!



MARCUS: Your...most advanced gagetry?



FETT: Yes. This piece of rope.



MARCUS *blinks*: That's pretty crappy if you ask me.



FETT: Listen Jedi, I'm the most respected member of a VERY well organized fan club. I have devottees all over the country. They demand the best, they DEMAND Fett. They don't get thier Fett, they get upset. Do you want these fans to get upset?



MARCUS: Um... no...



FETT: Do you want them storming down the Lucasfilm ranch screaming for his blood just because YOU got it into your head you had some right to stand up to me?



MARCUS: Well, I AM the hero.



FETT: Bah! Hero! I'VE got a HELMET! See? *points at chin*



MARCUS: Yeah... true...



FETT: And it's pretty cool, right?



MARCUS: Yeah... true...



FETT: And the coolest thing about YOU is pretty much your dad, right?



MARCUS: Yeah... true...



FETT: And is his helmet as cool as mine?



MARCUS: I dunno... maybe? *looks at BUBBA, then hangs his head, red blast whizzing near his head* No.



FETT: Excellent. Now hold still while I tie you up. *suddenly gets shot again, falls over with a Pinball 'DING!'*



MARCUS: Cripes, what a loser. Hands, stay here!



HANDS: I see dead people!



*MARCUS breaks into a run and leaps off the skiff, falling promptly into the Pit*



LANDO: The other way, moron! Blast. Hands, here! *tosses metal device in Hands' direction*



HANDS: What am I holding here? *sniffs it, tries to eat it*



LANDO: It's my pager beacon for Hamill's stunt double! Hit it already so we can get out of this mess!



*HANDS hits it, causing stunt double to fall out of sky onto other skiff and begins fighting*



Deadly Star, Interior:



MILTON: Well I said I don't care if they lay me off eather because, I told Jerryrod that if they move my desk one more time then I am quitting. And I told Vacuous too because they moved my desk 4 times already this year and I used to be over by the window and I could see the stars, but then they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler but I kept my Swingline because it didn't bind up as much and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.



CONTROLLER 2: That's nice Milton.



MILTON: And I swear, if they move my desk one more time, then I'm just gonna blow the station up.



JERRYROD: Mil, we're going to need to go ahead and move you down stairs into storage B, uhh, we have some new people in and we need all the space we can get.



MILTON: Ok, but, thats the last straw.



JERRYROD: Say, Milton, do you know what would be great?



MILTON: No.



JERRYROD: Since you are going down there, it would be really great if you could just sort of, take care of the dianoga problem we have been having in there.



Enter VACUOUS



VAC: Jerryrod, the Emperor will be here in only a few more scenes. Preparations must be complete. I want disco balls, streamers, a Mariache band, and monkeys on roller skates.



JERRYROD: As you wish my Lord.



EXT. PATOOTIE-DAY



SARLACC spits Marcus out, still holding his brightsabre. He lands on his feet on one of the smaller skiffs.



STINKY-O: Something ELSE was spit out. The odds are getting better!



BUBBA FETT, now on the main barge having a martini, crosses his fingers.



MARCUS: That is NOT an experience I will share with ANYONE! I feel like ****.



MARCUS' STUNT DOUBLE: Hey, Ive been waiting the whole movie for this opportunity!



MARCUS kicks his stunt double into the pit. And takes down more redshirts. He jumps onto another skiff.





On PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE's skiff, they are hit from a blast by Artoo. BILLY DEE falls overboard and he slides toward the compactor.



PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE: HANDS!



HANDS turns toward the sound of BILLY DEE's voice.



HANDS: Yeah, what is it. We just got hit, I think.



LANDO: I'M DOWN HERE! LOWER SOMETHING FOR ME TO GRAB ON TO!



HANDS: HOLY CRAP!



Takes off his belt. His pants fall down to his ankles He leans forward over the rail and lowers his belt.



PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE: It's not long enough!



pulls off his belt. His pants fall to his ankles.



BILLY DEE: HERE!(throws up his belt. Hands catches it, barely) TIE MINE TO YOURS!



HANDS: Chunky! Tie this know, will you. I never learned how.



CHUNKY laughs and rolls on the floor. HANDS rolls up a newspaper and whaps CHUNKY on the head.



HANDS: Bad Cookie! Tie this knot NOW!



As Chunky ties the knot ANOTHER blast from Artoo rocks them and both fall and get tangled up in the belts. One of HANDS' shoes falls off and conks BILLY DEE in the head. PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE catches the shoe, takes a shoelace out and lassoes the shoelace to the dangling belt. Just then a tentacle lashes, wraps around BILLY-DEE's leg and starts pulling. He screams.



BILLY DEE: IT'S GOT MY LEG!



HANDS draws his blaster.



BILLY DEE: Hey, dammit, put your glasses on!



HANDS(pointing gun at where he thinks the tentacle is-right at Lando's head): I don't need glasses!



He fires and misses. LANDO kicks his shoes off and the tentacle pulls his pants into the compactor.



BILLY DEE: You got it dead center! Now pull me up, Chunky!



As the COOKIE tries to get the three of them back on deck, Artoo hits them AGAIN, tangling them all up, with their pants down, in their belts. CHUNKY manages to get them back on the skiff with much difficulty. Everyone watching, including PIZZA, is laughing hysterically.



On the sail barge LEE takes advantage of the situation. With everyone watching the spectacle and laughing, she throws her leash around PIZZA's neck, and pulls.



PIZZA: My neck itches. It feels like I'm wearing a suit with a tight collar.



BOB GO-FOR-TUNA(whispering): Your slave girl is trying to choke you, Master.



PIZZA: Let her. She can't do a damn thing with that cheap, flimsy leash.



The leash snaps and her momentum throws LEE back. Marcus leaps onto the barge, hacking and slashing redshirts. He cuts off PIZZA's head. Immediately those left on the barge start eating him.



MARCUS: Go to the Gun! Point it at the deck!



LEE goes to the gun turret and points it at MARCUS.



MARCUS: Hey! I just saved you from that glob of grease over there!



LEE: This was the crappiest, most poorly-planned rescue I have ever heard of or seen! I'm not even going to begin detailing to you the things Pizza...did...with...ugh....oooh, I oughta blast your a** to Hot!



MARCUS: BEHIND YOU!



BUBBA FETT fires, missing both LEE and MARCUS. FETT takes out a brightsabre and ignites it, revealing a red blade.



MARCUS: Oh ****.



BUBBA: RESPECT MY ATHORI-TAH!



GL: Where the hell did you get that?



BUBBA: It's mine! I took it from CORRUPT-ANT.



GL: Give it here or you can't be in Attack of the Clones. Not even as a little kid.



BUBBA: Kiss my a**



GL's hand comes down, picks him up and throws him in the Snarflatt pit.



BUBBA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!



Meanwhile, R2 and STINKY-O fall down into the sand.



Lee shoots the deck and they all board a skiff and sail away, picking up the two droids with a huge magnet.



Deadly Star II-- The Sequel: Exterior



MILLIONS OF IMPERIAL SOLDIERS AND EQUIPMENT MILL ABOUT ON PARADE DISPLAY IN VERY, VERY NICE DECORUM. WING OF TIE FIGHTERS FLY PAST.



TIE #1: Bravo two, what's that coming over your comm?



RIC OLIE: Classical music. I love it.



TIE #1: I can TELL it's classical music. What kind? It doesn't show up on any of the charts...



RIC OLIE: It's O Fortuna, you know, by Karl Orff.



TIE #1: Are you sure THAT'S the kind of classical music you want to be playing right now?



RIC OLIE: Don't you get tired of the same tunes over and over and over again? I mean, come on! EVERY BLOODY TIME It's the same thing! The Emperor goes to the bathroom to take a cr-- and we gotta listen to him cackle as the same ominous music swells in the background! Well I for one am sick of it! I've been serving this guy for 33 years now and I'm done with it!



TIE #1: Hm... you know, that is a good point, that.



*TIE SQUADRON IN FRONT OF THEM DISAPPEARS*



RIC OLIE: Holy crow! The tie squadron in front of us just disappeared! What does that mean!



TIE #1: Some effects artists just got fired.



*SUDDENLY A TIDERIUM SHUTTLE DESCENDS ALMOST RIGHT ON TOP OF THEM*



RIC OILY: Look out!



*TIES COLLIDE AND ARE DESTROYED. SHUTTLE CONTINUES ON TO THE DEATH STAR IT MOVES IN BEFORE DARTH VACUOUS AND MOFF JERRYROD*



VACUOUS: So I says to him... Bernie, I says...



JERRYROD: *POINTING* The Emperor's coming HERE!



VACUOUS: Hm? Well of course he is! Didn't I tell you about all this weeks ago?



JERRYROD: Did you see me write it down on the schedule?



VACUOUS: Er, no.



JERRYROD: Well, there you go.



*SHUTTLE RAMP DECENDS. EMPEROR PALPITATINE EXITS, A HUDDLED, CROOKED AND UGLY MAN IN A BLACK CLOAK-- BUT MAN, DOES HE SMELL NICE. VACUOUS STEPS FORWARD, WHACKING JERRYROD OUT OF THE WAY. THE TWO WALK TOGETHER DOWN THE MANY RANKS OF SOLDIERS*



VACUOUS: The Rathy Nee Holiday Special WILL be completed on schedule.



PALP: You have done well, Lord Vacuous. Better than your usual dundering, anyway.



VACUOUS: Yes, my master. How was your stop-over at the wall-mart?



PALP: Splendid. *Lifts up action figure case* I got TPM Darth Sideous in his original packaging! Handsome specimen, wouldn't you agree?



VACUOUS: It should be a fine addition to your collection.



PALP: It shall go alongside my many, many dolls of Captain Kirk. Did you know Captain Kirk has an album out?



VACUOUS: *SHUDDERING* No, my master.



PALP: I shall have to buy it. See that it gets put on my credit card...And now I sense you intend to continue your search for young streetwalker.



VACUOUS: Yes, my master.



PALP: Patince, my friend. In time, he will seek you out... and while he does we can make prank calls to the leadership of the rebel alliance.



VACUOUS: Are you certain that's...wise?



PALPITATINE: We might as well do it. I mean, it's not like streetwalker's ever going to make it to u- oh wait, I haven't told you have I?



VACUOUS: Told me what?



PALPY THE SLIMY: I took charge of the situation a little while ago. I phoned in to my elite special task force aboard the Deadly Star II, my crack suicide squad, to take care of the matter. I'm sorry Vacuous, but he was become too troublesome. It's out of your hands now and... why are you looking at me like that?



VACUOUS: Crack suicide squad, master?



PALP: Yes, that's what I said, I...*THINKS FOR A SECOND, THOUGHT DAWN ON HIM* Oh no.



*EMPEROR DASHES OF THROUGH THE RANKS TO A NEARBY CLOSET. HE OPENS IT TO SEE IT FULL OF DEAD STORMTROOPERS*



PALP: Great! Committed suicide! This is just great! I was better off when I had Mas Amedda as a toadie!



VACUOUS: Master, Lucas is signaling the scene is about to end...if you want to get anything sinister off your chest, you'd better say it in the next few seconds. Maybe something like 'everything is procee-'



PALP: Now I'll have to re-think this ENTIRE scenario!







EXT YOGA'S HOUSE-DAYGLOBAH-NIGHT



Once again Artoo finds himself waiting around in the environs of the swamp planet tied to a tree so he doesn't run off. He beeps obscenities and looks longingly at the cottage. Warm yellow light escapes from-



ARTOO: Beep, fadeet, rrreeep tidle beeb beep, pazooooooooo. (Translation: Stop! The light just reminds me of how cold and miserable I am while Marcus sits in that hut all warm and cozy. After all I've done for that man you'd think he would let me inside just this once, but hey- I'm just a droid.



YOGA'S HUT: INT.--



*MARCUS is sitting in YOGA'S Hut.*



YOGA: That face you make. Look I so old to your eyes?



MARCUS: No... of course not.



YOGA: (Chuckles) I do, Yes, I do.



MARCUS: No, you don't.



YOGA: (looks off to director's chair. Lucas shrugs back Yoga mumbles to himself) His line, this is not. Fix Hamill's acting as I did back in ESB, I must. (waves hand, speaking louder) Yes, I DO.



MARCUS: No... of course not.



YOGA: (waves hand again,) Yes, I DO!



*WATTOO'S head stick up through YOGA'S window*



WATTOO: NO... you DON'T! What, you think you some kind of Jedi waving your hand about like that?



*YOGA shoots force lightning at him. WATTOO disappears*



YOGA: Bloody hell. Pick this up from the beginning, we must. Aherm...Sick have I become, old and weak. (points a crooked finger) When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not, hmm?



MARCUS: Are you trying to insult me?



YOGA: Hey, falling apart, even the Mona Lisa is. Held together well, have I. At least, better than that insepid caretaker SuperGrover you stuck me with, over there.



SUPERGROVER: (coming over) Here you go master! I cooked you your broth. Mmmm. Good food! Mmmm!



YOGA: (knocks over bowl) Bah! Need no broth, do I! My flashlight from ESB only to entertain myself, do I need!



SUPERGROVER: (sighs) Here you go...



YOGA: Hoooohohohooo! (Begins shining the light in his own eyes)



MARCUS: Um... I thought the senile thing with the light was just supposed to be an act...



SUPERGROVER: You would think that, wouldn't you?



MARCUS: Hey... wait a second... don't you two notice something?



*YOGA and SUPERGROVER look up*



YOGA and SUPERGROVER: Yes?



MARCUS: You two sound exactly alike.



YOGA and SUPERGROVER: No, we don't. What? (the two look at each other and continue speaking in unison) Stop that! No, you stop that! Stop saying what I'm saying. No, stop! You're making us sound the same! Stop!



*YOGA shoots force lightning at SUPERGROVER. SUPERGROVER disappears*



YOGA: Better hired help, you must find in the future.



MARCUS: I'll think twice before choosing a muppet.



YOGA: (holding up hand that shoots the lightning) Something agianst muppets, have you?



MARCUS: Er... no.



YOGA: Good. Now where were we? Oh yes... Soon I will rest. Forever sleep. Earned it I have.



MARCUS: You earned biting the big one?



YOGA: Watched the Prequel trilogy have you?



MARCUS: I'll go see it after we finish these films.



YOGA: When see them you do, get what I mean, you will. Now tuck me into bed already.



*Marcus tucks in YOGA*



YOGA: Yes... strong am I with the force. But not that strong. Twilight is upon me, and soon, night must fall. That is the way of things. The way of the force.



MARCUS: Really?



YOGA: No, I've got lung cancer.



MARCUS: Oh. That sucks.



YOGA: All that smoking when I was a teenager, I did. All Mace Windy's fault, this is. Peer pressure, it was.



MARCUS: But I need your help. I've come back to complete the training.



YOGA: No more training do you require. Already know you, that which you need.



MARCUS: Then I am a Jedi?



YOGA: Ohhh! You mean to be a Jedi? Whoops. Nowhere close, are you. Thought you meant training for running through the swamp and lifting rocks, I did. Sorry.



MARCUS: But how am I supposed to become a Jedi, then?



YOGA: Vacuous... you must confront Vacuous...only then, a Jedi will you be. And confront him you will.



MARCUS: But you just said I'm not trained!



YOGA: Yes. Chopped liver, you are.



*Overjoyed squeal from R2 comes from outside. The two look over, then go back to thier conversation*



MARCUS: Master Yoga... is Darth Vacuous my father?



YOGA: (Rolls eyes) Oh... not this again... on all the chatrooms it has been. Need this, I do not. Lung Cancer, I have.



MARCUS: Yoga, I must know.



YOGA: Well... er...your father he is not. Ob-Ewan is your father. Wait, told you did he?



MARCUS: Yes.



YOGA: And you...didn't know?



MARCUS: What? Of course I didn't know. Why, who did?



YOGA: Well, just about everyone, actually, well they know he's your father, only it was actually Ob-Ewan, you see Vader was married to your mother. Had an affair with Ob-Ewan, she did.



MARCUS: EVERYONE? Why didn't Ben tell me the truth?



YOGA: Hey, I'm about to die here, so I'll tell you one more thing: There is another Streetwalker. Goodbye.



YOGA dies and becomes one with the Force.



EXT-- DAYGLOBAH



*MARCUS walks back out out to his X-Wing, his face remorseful. He looks back to the quaint little hut of Yoda, seeing the calm, warm fires burning within.*



MARCUS: Guess it's up to me now.



*MARCUS sighs, hangs his head, then takes out the detonator to the explosives he has just set beneath Yoda's bed, pressing the button and detonating the structure, destroying all evidence. He then goes and kneels next to R2 by his X-Wing*



MARCUS: I can't do it R2. I can't go on alone.



R2: (Beeping excitedly) Bwoop-de-bwoop! (Translation: That's the idea.)



FAMILIAR VOICE: Yoga will always be with you.



MARCUS: (looking around) Oh! That's comforting to know.



FAMILIAR VOICE: Yes. Too bad it's a lie. Considering you startled him to death, I'd be apt to have stormtroopers fry your carcass and leave it in the desert for your step-nephew to find.



MARCUS: (turning around, sees Been-there's ghost looking over him) Been-there. Been-there, why didn't you tell me?



BEEN-THERE: Tell you what?



MARCUS: You told me Vacuous betrayed and murdered my father.



BEEN-THERE: Did I?



MARCUS: Uh, YEAH!



BEEN-THERE: Oh, I must have meant me. He betrayed and murdered me.



MARCUS: Huh? What do you mean?



BEEN-THERE: Well, he murdered me didn't he? You saw it!



MARCUS: Uh, yeah... I guess.



BEEN-THERE: See? (takes out kleenex, wipes his forehead) Whew. Close one. Anyway, your kinda sorta uncle- the brother of your uncle wo wasn't your uncle because he wasn't really related to you was seduced by the Dark Side of the force. He ceased to be Manakin Streetwalker and became Darth Vacuous. When that happened, the punk who was your erm, uncle was destroyed. So even if I HAD meant Manakin, what I told you was still true. From a certain way of lying.



MARCUS: A CERTAIN WAY OF LYING?



BEEN-THERE: (Nodding, smiling) Yes.



*WHACK!*



MARCUS: That's pretty quaydamn weak.



BEEN-THERE: Oh. Uh... well I guess it's a good thing I didn't mean it to begin with, eh? Marcus, you're going to find that the many truths we cling to are really just a bunch of lies.



MARCUS: Lies? What about the Jedi? The Force?



BEEN-THERE: Well, look where it got me! The important truth, Marcus, is to always kick people when they're down. But, anyway... Manakin was a good friend. When I first knew him, your uncle of sorts was already an arrogant little brat, but I was...



VOICE OF LI-GON: AH-HEM!



BEEN-THERE: Er... well, SOMEONE was amazed at how strongly the Force was with him. I was straddled with making him a Jedi. I thought that I could just ditch him and cruise the galaxy for women and beer. I was wrong.



MARCUS: There's still good in him.



BEEN-THERE: Where did you get that idea from?



MARCUS: Page 60 from the script.



BEEN-THERE: Look, when was the last time you saw your uncle?



MARCUS: Cloud city.



BEEN-THERE: Didn't he put your best friend into the deep freeze and cut off your hand in Cloud City?



MARCUS: Well, yeah.



BEEN-THERE: And after that long, painful, sordid experience, where, pray tell, did you get the inkling of a notion your uncle still had good in him?



MARCUS: Page 60 from the script.



BEEN-THERE: Look, he's more machine now, then man, twisted and evil. More so than the usual twisted and evil. He's just become... like... totally twisted.



MARCUS: And evil.



BEEN-THERE: Yes.



MARCUS: I can't do it Been. I can't kill my own uncle.



BEEN-THERE: Then the Emperor has already won. Well, I mean, besides the part where he took over the entire galaxy and made it a wretched dictatorship. You were our only hope...which you gotta admit, was pretty desperate.



MARCUS: Yoga spoke of another.



BEEN-THERE: Ah. The other he spoke of is your twin sister.



MARCUS: But I have no sister.



BEEN-THERE: To protect you from the Emperor, you were both hidden when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, that if Anakin were to have any offspring, they could spawn a spinoff saga of movies. And the Emporer still believes you are Manakin's son.....



MARCUS: You mean, like Star Trek?



BEEN-THERE: Ah, you see? Now you understand.



MARCUS: LEE! Lee is my sister!



BEEN-THERE: You insight serves you well. Hm. Too bad they weren't working so well for you back there on Hot.



MANAKIN: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW



EXT. SPAVE (heh-heh)



Many tiny STARFIGHTERS are buzzing around several REBELLIOUS CRUISERS, and are massing around the HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE



INT. HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE-BRIEFING ROOM



There is a large crowd of REBEL SCUM sitting around a large hologram of the FOREST MOON OF ENDORPHIN and the new DEADLY STAR, which orbits it. MAMA MOTHBALL

stands in front of it. She holds a mike.



HANDS: Wow, Billy Dee, you're a general? Jab Jab was made a general, sure, but you?



BILLY DEE: I'm over here. That's General Nadine, and he's not even black.



Hands turns around



BILLY DEE: Anyway, someone must have told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Tanaab.



HANDS: All you did was blast away a couple of key alien ships in an attempt to retreat, then when you couldn't escape you were so angry you opened a can of whoopa** on the flagship, winning the battle for everyone.



BILLY DEE: But I did destroy the three ships.



HANDS: But only after you tried to chicken out. It wasn't bravery, it was pure cowardice, followed by rage.



BILLY DEE: I won the battle.



HANDS: Whatever.



The briefing starts



MAMA: Good morning. (Then, to get their attention) GOOD MORNING!



Everyone snaps to attention.



MAMA: I don't know what crack the Imperials have been smokin' but the ****** up big time! Most of the Imperious fleet are away from the new Deadly star in a vain attempt to engage us, leaving the station relatively unprotected, and the Umporer himself is gonna be on it to personally oversee it's final stages of construction!



WEDGE: It's too easy. Way too easy! It's gotta be a trap.



MAMA: The Chair does not recognize the Senator from Rogue Squadron at this time.

Now may I present to you Admiral Fishhead, who speaks on our behalf.



FISHHEAD: Although it is relatively unguarded there is a strong defense (makes a funny sucking noise) mechanism. It is guarded by a shield generated from the nearby Forest Moon of (sucking noise) Endorphin. General Nadine.



NADINE: We have acquired a stolen Imperious shuttle with a special Imperious code. A strike team will land on the moon and knock out the shield generator.



WEDGE: Are you crazy? There's probably a whole legion of troops down there!



MAMA: Shut up, Wedge.



NADINE: General Calrissean will lead the attack.



BILLY DEE: DAMN! Why'd they have to draw MY name from the hat?



NADINE: Admiral Fishhead.



FISHHEAD: Once the shield is down our fighters (sucking noise) will create a perimeter and attempt (sucking noise) to knock out the main reactor.



WEDGE: That's impossible, even for a computer!



Whack



WEDGE: Ow!



MAMA: That'll be enough from you, Wedge.



LEE: I wonder who they found to pull that off?



MAMA: No one's volunteered (looks at HANDS)..yet.



HANDS: Don't look at me, I'm not going down there!



MAMA: come over to the foyer with me. I have something to tell you.



HANDS and MAMA go into another room, which is empty.



MAMA: Hey, Nadine! You come over here too.



NADINE comes into the room.



MAMA: How much more does he owe us for blowing up Bic a few years ago?



NADINE: I'd say at least 10 million more credits.



HANDS: What the hell are you talking about?! You never told me about any-



MAMA: Oh, we high up on the command ladder can levy fees on anyone, any time we choose. But if you, uh, go down to the moon, welllll, we'll take off...about 2/3 of it.



HANDS: This is blackmail! I'm not paying.



MAMA: You know that there's hidden cameras on the Falcon, installed just after the Fountain became part of the Alliance?

(takes out a photo of Hands and Lee getting funky).



HANDS: NOOOOO! Give that to me RIGHT NOW!



MAMA: Uhhhm, no.



HANDS starts crying like a baby.



HANDS: AHHHHHHH! NOOOOO! PLLLLEEEEEAAAASE!



MAMA: Are you going down to the moon?



HANDS: YES! ANYTHING YOU SAY! JUST DON'T SHOW THAT PHOTO TO ANYONE.



MAMA: Then go.



HANDS sighs and goes back to his seat.




HANDS: I had a ... uh, talk with MAMA and NADINE and I've decided I'll lead the strike team. I'll, ah, need a command crew for my shuttle.



CHUNKY raises his paw, and LEE and STINKY-O raise their hands. ARTOO beeps.



Okay, that's one.



LEE: I'm in. Put your glasses on!



STINKY-O: Hey, My hand is all golden and shiny! Your eyes must be really bad.



CHUNKY growls.



HANDS: Well it's gonna be rough, Pal. I didn't want to speak for you.



CHUNKY growls a Cookie sigh.



Suddenly MARCUS STREETWALKER walks in.



MARCUS: I'm with you too.



HANDS: Is that all of us? Isn't there one more?



MARCUS: No.



HANDS: Whatever happened to that old guy that needed to use my ship to get to All-Drained?



MARCUS: Been-There's been dead for years.



HANDS: Well, then. I'm ready.



MAMA: EVERYONE! One final word. In the next few hours we will be launching the largest aerial attack so far in this franchise. Franchise. That's a word that should have new meaning for all of us. The future of this franchise, including books and comics like Dark Empire and Heir to The Empire, depends the survival of this alliance. It's interesting to note that today is Kloppa 16th on the Galactic Standard Calander, the day that Naboo gained Independence from the Trade Federation. Now we are not fighting for Independence, but from annihilation. If we are successful today, Kloppa 16th will no longer be known as a Naboo Holiday, but as the day this small alliance cried in one voice:

We will not let George Lucas end our adventures here! We will fight Kylo Ren, Snoke, Thrawn and the Resurrected Emperor and the Vong!

We're gonna live on, on PAPER, and in Legends and NEW CANON! For today we celebrate our INDEPENDENCE FROM GEORGE LUCAS DAY!



Cheers ring out and dramatic music starts up.



MARCUS rubs a tear from his eye.



Hugs go around. Timothy Zahn, Tom Veitch and R.A Salvatore toast, as well as Rian Johnson, J.J. Abrams and others.





INT-- REBEL HANGER



*BILLY DEE and HANDS are walking through the many ships on their way to their assignments*



HANDS: Take her! I mean it, take her!



BILLY DEE: All right! I've been waiting to hear that since ESB! (Grabs LEE, hoists her over his shoulder, starts making off with her)



LEE: Ahhh! Put me down!



BILLY DEE: You truly belong up here with the Billy Dee.



HANDS: No! No, no...not LEE! The Fountain!



*BILLY DEE stops, looks over at the ship.*



BILLY DEE: (pouting) Oh. (Puts LEE down) Uh, thanks.



HANDS: Take her. She's the fastest ship in the fleet!



*There is a loud BANG! As the FOUNTAIN'S cockpit falls off, starting a fire amongst the other ships, dozens of rebel engineers running to contain the crisis*



BILLY DEE: Um... yeah. I know what she uh... means to you... Hands, have you taken a good look at the FOUNTAIN lately?



HANDS: (Adjusts glasses) Whaddya mean?



BILLY DEE: Never mind. She won't get a scratch-- the piece of junk is pretty much a living scratch as it is.



HANDS: Right! (starts off) Hey... uh.. I got your word, not a scratch.



BILLY DEE: Not one. But not being obliterated into nothingness by Umperial turbolasers, that I cannot promise.



HANDS: Uh...



BILLY DEE: Will you get going you drug-running, near-sighted, pirate-pretending, scruffy-looking nerfherder!



LEE: RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF!



HANDS: (Pushes LEE towards the shuttle) Good luck.



BILLY DEE: (Takes another look at the death trap HANDS has stuck with him) Yeah... eat ---- and die.



*HANDS and LEE enter shuttle*



INT-- SHUTTLE



*HANDS sits down and pauses, staring ahead*



LEE: What's wrong?



HANDS: I dunno. I just got the funny feeling I'm never going to see her again.



LEE: (Suspiciously) See WHO again?



HANDS: Beth. (Correcting himself) Oh! Er, I mean, the FOUNTAIN.



LEE: Hands, you aren't even looking at the fountain! Adjust your glasses!



HANDS: What? (Adjusts glasses. He's actually been looking at an elderly Rebel operative named Bernie)



BERNIE: (winks) Hey there, big boy.



HANDS: (shivering) ugh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!



*Beeping sound comes from in cockpit*



MARCUS: (Entering) what's that noise?



LEE: Dunno. Hands is the pilot.



HANDS: Of course I know! Looks about... it's obviously the throttle. It wants me to... uh... un-throttle it. (Grabs at something)



*Beeping continues*



MARCUS: That's the sensor array.



HANDS: Uh... yeah kid, that's what YOU think. See, on these Umperial ships they want to CONFUSE us rebels, putting the throttle where the sensors would be!



*Beeping continues*



MARCUS: How would the Umperials know we'd get this ship when they built it?



HANDS: See, that's the pure GENIUS of it!



*Beeping continues. Chunky growls something*



HANDS: What Chunky? Oh wait, you're right. It's just my cell phone. (answers it) S'up?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: 'Allo?



HANDS: Hello?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: 'Allo?



HANDS: Yes, Hello?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: 'Allo, is your rebel vleet running?



HANDS: Our vleet?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: Yes, your vleet, is it running?



HANDS: (puts hand over receiver) Lee, is our vleet running?



LEE: What's a vleet?



HANDS: Damned if I know.



MARCUS: I think he means FLEET.



HANDS: Whatever, just tell me if its running! This could be important, man!



LEE: (Looks out window at the FOUNTAIN, which is still on fire) With one notable exception, yes.



HANDS: (into phone) Yes, Our vleet is running fine.



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: Well then you'd better catch it, because it's going to fly into a trap at Endorphin and get all blowed up! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



HANDS: Huh? That's not funny! Wait, who is this? What's your operating number?



VOICE OF UMPEROR: CRAP THEY'RE ONTO ME! Quick, Vacuous, howd'ya shut this thing off? No, no, it's not working! Cripes man, I'm Supreme Overlord of the Galaxy, not a Cell Phone Distributor! Well I can't, what if they star-69 me? Hey, there's no need to take THAT attitude, remember the time we- (Dial tone hits).



LEE: What was that all about?



EXT-- SPACE. SHUTTLER APPROACHES DEADLY STAR II: THE SEQUEL



INT-- SHUTTLE



HANDS: If they don't go for this, we're going to have to get out of here pretty quick Chunky.



*CHUNKY stares at HANDS for a moment*



WHACK!



HANDS: Hey...



LEE: What, you think WE don't know that? That we thought we were going to escape SLOWLY?



HANDS: Yeah, well... whatever.



CONTROLLER: (over radio, crinkling bag and munching can be heard with the voice of what must be a zit-pimple teenager) we have you... (crunch) on our screen now. Please Identify.



HANDS: Commandos.



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Commandos?



HANDS: Rebel Commandos.



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Rebel Commandos?



HANDS: Confirmed. Requesting deactivation of the deflector shield.



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Hmm...erh, I dunno. I really think you're going to have to talk this over with my supervisor.



HANDS: Oh come on, you don't have to do that! We've got the code right here!



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Code, what code?



HANDS: For the shield, you idiot!



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Er... are you sure you just don't want to talk to my supervisor? It would just take a second...



HANDS: Kid, what's the matter with you? This your first job?



CONTROLLER: (over radio) What? No, of course... of course not!



HANDS: Dont' you think they've given you enough responsibility by now? Can't you make a management decision? What, do you want to go back to flipping burgers at Dex's Diner?



CONTROLLER: (over radio) HELL N- er, I mean, no! Wait, er... eh... how do you know about all that?



HANDS: Don't interrupt me boy, and be a man! Look, I'll transmit the code right now...



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Look, I don't really think that's going to help. I don't even want this 'code'.



HANDS: Hey, many Bothans died for this information buddy, and you're going to hear it!



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Oh for kriff-, just read it then.



HANDS: Great. Actually, it's in telegram format. Code reads: "Do not go to Endorphin. Stop. It is a trap. Stop. Emperor is plotting to kill you all and rule the Galaxy. Stop. Signed, Bothans."



CONTROLLER: (over radio) ok fine. Look, please hold.



LEE: Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid.



HANDS: Not likely. It was pretty crappy cryptography if you ask me, I understood every word of it!



MARCUS: Vacuous is on that ship.



HANDS: Now don't get jittery Marcus, there are a lot of command ships.



MARCUS: Er, how is that supposed to make me feel any better. In fact, how is it supposed to NOT make me feel even WORSE?



HANDS: Er... eh... keep your distance Chunky. But don't LOOK like you're trying to keep your distance.



*Everyone looks at HANDS*



WHACK!

WHACK!



LEE: None of that makes any sense at all! Who wrote your dialogue?



HANDS: (arms up devensively) Ow! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's not my fault!



WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!



LEE: We're not going to stop until you start making sense!



HANDS: Uh... fly casual?



WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!



LEE: All together now!



WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK...



INT-- SUPER STAR WHACKER



VACUOUS: (approaching) where is that shuttle going?



PIETT: What shuttle?



VACUOUS: The one just outside.



PIETT: Is THAT a shuttle?



VACUOUS: What did you think it was?



PIETT: Matteing error. (Looks down at controller, busy trying to operate things with a back of potato chips in his lap, still red-faced from dealing with HANDS.) Shuttle, what is your cargo and destination?



OVER COMM: WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WH-



VACUOUS: Do they have a code clearance?



PIETT: What code clearance? The shield's not even on!



VACUOUS: (turns around quickly, parnoid) Shut up, idiot! Do you want people to HEAR?



CONTOLLER: (looking up) Know what sir?



VACUOUS: Damn! You know too much! (VACUOUS beats him over the head)



PIETT: Gun, Lord? (offer gun to VACUOUS)



VACUOUS: Thanks. (shoots CONTROLER) So, anyway, where was I?



PIETT: I have no idea.



VACUOUS: Hmm... yes... (looks into distance)





INT-- FALCON



MARCUS: I'm endangering the mission, I shouldn't have come.



INT. STAR WHACKER



CONTROLLER: Shall I hold them?



VACUOUS: No. I shall kick their a**es myself. Make them THINK the shield is up. THEN PUT IT UP FOR KRIFF'S SAKE!!!



INT. STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE



HANDS: They're not goin' for it, Chunky.



PIETT: This is Piett, filling in for the controller. Um... VACUOUS THIS IS CRAZY! I can't let these Rebels- ack! ack!-GASP -okay. Deactivation of the shield generator will commence immediately. Follow your present course.



Everyone breathes a sigh of releif, except MARCUS, who is continually wiping sweat off his brow. His shirt is soaked through. CHUNKY barks.



HANDS: See, I told you it would work! No problem.



LEE: No thanks to you.



HANDS: Who's flying this ship, Marcus?



MARCUS: You bet I could! I'm not such a bad pilot myself.



CHUNKY growls, but only HANDS understands Cookiespeak.



HANDS: It just so happens that I'm the only certified pilot aboard this shuttle.



Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack





HANDS: Ow! Chunky! Why did you hit me. You wish you could fly?



LEE: He's your copilot, genius. He can fly.



MARCUS: Let's just whack him some more.



Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

...