A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTIONA long time ago in the future....
SC 01 EXT.SPACE
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the Main Title, followed by a rollup, which crawls into infinity....boy, I don't have to write that sentence again for twelve years! YIPPEE!
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS
EPISODE III: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED SITHOh no, my I.Q. just dropped a few points and I can't form complete sentences!
War! The Republic! It's crumbling! Under attacks! By the ruthless Sith Lord! Named COUNT DOODU! There are heroes! On both sides! Evil! It's everywhere!
Oh, my brain hurts.
In a stunning move, the fiendish Clone Wars villain GENERAL GREEDY has swept into the Republic capital with a broom and kidnapped Cameo Palpitatine, leader of the Galactic Em- er, Republic. Why he is doing this when the entire audience knows Palpitatine is the bad guy no one can figure.
As the Separatist Tinker Drone Army attempts to flee the beswept capital with their obviously evil hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Cameo....
PAN DOWN to reveal a REPUBLIC ATTACK CRUISER. Continue to PAN if you can can with the Cruiser, as TWO JEDI STARFIGHTERS enter and head towards an enemy Battle Cruiser. TRUCK with the Jedi Fighters (I didn't know trucks could fly in space!) as they maneuver in unison, dodging flack and enemy laser fire. R2-Detour is on Manakin's ship. AMNOT-PP7 is on Ob-Ewan's ship. The truck that was with the Jedi is gone. A giant, (and quite frankly the best one I've ever seen!) space battle is revealed as the tiny Jedi ships continue their assault in a synchronous waltz.
SC 02 INT. OB-EWAN McNOBI'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE
OB-EWAN bounces through the flack with a frown. Very descriptive. His ship rocks violently.
SC 03 INT. MANAKIN STREETWALKER'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE
MANAKIN smiles as he blasts a TRADER CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER. He's smiling because lots and lots of pyrotechnists died to bring you that effect.
MANAKIN: There isn't a droid made that can out-fly you, Master, probably because--other than myself--you are the hero of this epic. ...And since Mr. Lucas scripted it this way, there is no other way to get to the Cameo....
OB-EWAN: Look out! More incredibly detailed CGI effects coming this way...!
SC 04 EXT. CORUSCANNOTEVERCALLITCORUSCANT-SPACE BATTLE
The TWO JEDI FIGHTERS swerve in unison as FOUR TRADER CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS attack. After several clever moves by the Jedi (which should include a MOONWALK, the BUMP and that POINTED FINGER POSE that was popular in the disco days), two of the CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS collide with each other in a ball of flame. Many OOOS and AAAAHS are heard from an unseen audience.
SC 05 INT. OB-EWAN'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE
OB-EWAN struggles to maintain control of his ship.
OB-EWAN: We've got to split up. And see if you can get a few of those Tinker dropper fighters to follow you.
MANAKIN: Break left, fly through the guns on that tower.
OB-EWAN: You worry about those fighters. I'll worry about the tower!
OB-EWAN flies to the left of a huge tower on a REPUBLIC CRUISER. The two TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS follow.
OB-EWAN: Why am I always the bait?
Whack
OB-EWAN: Ow! I How do you do that over the Comm link?
MANAKIN: Li-Gon's ghost taught me-and he told me to remind you-
OB-EWAN:-There's always a bigger fish, yes, I know.
MANAKIN: No. That you're a much wiser man than him, and that he forsees you'll become a great Jedi Knight.
OB-EWAN: I'm a Jedi Master! A great Jedi Knight! Manakin, to your left!
MANAKIN: I see 'em. Watch that crossfire boys!
CLONE PILOT: Copy, Gold Leader.
MANAKIN: Ob-Ewan, you got two on your right. Watch it!
MANAKIN BLASTS away at a TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER as ARTOO BEEPS an angry warning.
CLONE PILOT #1: All wings report in.
CLONE PILOT#2: Red 6 standing by......
RICK OILY: Fighters, straight ahead.
Whack
OB-EWAN: I'm going down on the deck.
MANAKIN: Good idea.... I need some room to show of my great piloting skills.
OB-EWAN, in an effort to get out of the way of MANAKIN'S large ego, dives toward the surface of one of the larger TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESHIPS and is forced to fly through a very complicated CGI rendering that leaves everyone speechless. Suddenly he dons his retro-looking reader glasses while he skims the surface for his next lines. Outside in the space battle, he is followed by the TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER, which is followed by MANAKIN.
MANAKIN: Cut right. Do you hear me?! Cut right. Don't let him get a handle on you. Come on, Artoo! Lock on! Lock on!
ARTOO BEEPS. The censors are elated that the translation which appears on MANAKIN'S screen is, in fact, a made-up language so that the audience doesn't catch on to what ARTOO just said about MANAKIN'S dubious heritage.
OB-EWAN: (ripping the glasses from his face in disgust as he finishes reading the script and realises that he will have to spend a great deal of future scenes completely unconscious strapped to MANAKIN'S backside) Hurry up! I don't like this!
OB-EWAN flies through a narrow gap between two towers on a BATTLESHIP. The TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER hits one of OB-EWAN's wings with a laser blast, and parts of the ship go flying around OB-EWAN's Astropop Droid, AM-NOT.
OB-EWAN: Ouch!
AM-NOT BEEPS a blue streak. The censors open up their laptop computers in attempt to connect to the CGI computers and doctor the lines of the script. OB-EWAN sees this and releases his virus hacking program POINT-OF-VIEW into their email, which disables all their attempts into the system.
OB-EWAN: Don't even try to fix it, Am-Not. I've shut it down.
MANAKIN: We're locked on.... We've got him....
MANAKIN drops in behind the TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER and blows him apart. ARTOO SQUEALS with delight. Like MANAKIN, ARTOO likes the idea of pyrotechnists dying to create their special effects.
MANAKIN: Yeah! We got him.... Good going, Artoo.
OB-EWAN: Next time, you're the bait.... (sighing as he realises he'll be considered the bad guy at the end of the movie when he has to walk away from a crispy fried MANAKIN) Now, let's find the Command Ship and get on with it....
AM-NOT BEEPS yet another blue streak. Before OB-EWAN can remind him that the MPAA will only allow one or two bad words in a PG-13 movie, MANAKIN'S voice interrupts him--
MANAKIN: Lock onto them, Artoo. Master, General Grievously's ship is directly ahead.
OB-EWAN rolls his eyes because he knows that's not his real name.
SC 06 INT OB-EWAN'S FIGHTER COCKPIT--where else but SPACE
OB-EWAN: Oh, I see it. Wow, this's gonna be easy...just like nailing womp rats on Patootie.
WHACK
GL: What'd I tell you about excessive foreshadowing?
OB-EWAN: Yes, master...
AHEAD is a TINKER CONVENTION CRUUUZER with PNEUMATIC SUSPENSION, SPINNER HUBCAPS, a multi-million Watt BOSE BLASTER 9000 sound system, and lots of TINKER MULCHING DROIDS...the droids assume wood-chipper configuration and begin swarming towards the JEDI STARFIGHTERS
MANAKIN: Come on, Master. If you were going any slower, you'd be backing up!
OB-EWAN: Not this time. There's not enough wood stakes. We need help. Cue Ball, do you copy?
CUE BALL: Only from the smart kids, Red Leader.
OB-EWAN: Mark my position and form your squad up behind me.
SC 07 INT CUE BALL's COCKPIT
CUE BALL: We're right behind you, General McNobi. Set Aluminum Foils in oven and heat to 325...
The PROTECTIVE RAY SHIELD on the main hangar of the TINKER CONVENTION CRUUUUZER lowers, and six new DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS emerge and join the MULCHER FIGHTERS heading for the STRIKE FORCE. The JEDI STARFIGHTERS extend Aluminum Foils from the tips of their wings, like CONFETTI STREAMERS
OB-EWAN: Do you copy, EIGHT BALL?
EIGHT BALL: With a Xerox, Red Leader!
OB-EWAN: Form up and get ready for our attack run!
INT MANAKIN'S FIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE
MANAKIN: This is where the fun begins. Ten Mulcher Droids, straight ahead, coming down the left side...
ARTOO beeps a worried message
OB-EWAN: Add five Tricycle Fighters on the right.
MANAKIN: I'm going head to head. See ya, sucker.
MANAKIN'S FIGHTER leaps ahead
OB-EWAN: (singing along with Eagles music blasting from cockpit speakers) Take it eeeeeeaaaasy, take it eeeeaaaaassssy/don't let the sound of your own wheels/drive you craaaaazy.
MANAKIN makes a face as the music and OB-EWAN's horrible singing blast through his headset.
Four CLONE FIGHTERS move into formation behind the Jedi
CUE BALL: I'm on your right, Red Leader.
MANAKIN: INCOMING!!!!
EIGHT BALL: HIT THE DECK!!!! *looking around* Where's Charlie?! Where?!
EIGHT BALL'S FIGHTER breaks off and begins flying back towards the REPUBLIC FLEET, spraying fire in random directions
ARTOO squeals like a TEENAGE GIRL at her first N'STYNK concert as five DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS pass on the right.
MANAKIN: (shaking his fist as they fly by) don't you know, PASS on the LEFT?! Where'd you get your flying license?! The University of Bob?!
OB-EWAN: Five more on the left!
Four more DROID MULCHER FIGHTERS pass on the left, flashing their lights and honking. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN continue to fly in unison, ARTOO squeals again.
MANAKIN: Here we go!!
The kitchen sink also passes to the left.
MANAKIN (CONT'D): Yep they included that in this battle too.
The JEDI STARFIGHTERS loop around the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS, ending up behind them. The Jedi blast away, while the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS erupt in massive pyrotechnic displays
OB-EWAN: I'm going high and right!
MANAKIN: Hang on, there are four more of them.
OB-EWAN: Stay with me, Manakin! Swing back and right...
MANAKIN: Come ON. Give it some juice, gramma!
OB-EWAN: Ok, come on, and hurry. These droids are on me like Swamp Rot on one of the Hutt's dancing Twi-Leks!!
In one incredible move. MANAKIN swings in behind the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS, blasting the hey out of them one by one until there is only one left.
ARTOO: Holy ****!
ARTOO lets out a HOWL as MANAKIN accelerates past the last TRICYCLE FIGHTER, slams on the brakes (since when is there friction in space?) , flips the fighter around, and BLASTS the living SNOT out of the Fighter in front. Meanwhile OB-EWAN yawns, drumming his fingers on his dashboard, watching his former apprentice act all macho. MANAKIN looks behind him.
MANAKIN: How many more back there I need to give an a**whuppin to, Artoo? (Artoo beeps once) One....(Artoo Beeps again) Two...(Artoo Beeps a third time)...Three.....Any more? (Artoo beeps five more times rapidly) Uh oh! Very funny, Artoo.
OB-EWAN: Manakin, you have eight on your tail!
MANAKIN: Dude, my Artoo unit can count! Tell me something I don't know!
OB-EWAN: Four more closing from your left.
MANAKIN: Thanks a lot!
OB-EWAN: Break right and go high.
MANAKIN: I'm going low and left.
OB-EWAN shakes his head, knowing from having read the script just how LOW and LEFT Manakin would be going in the future.
OB-EWAN:(To himself) He still has much to learn.
MANAKIN swoops low across a TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESTAR, dodging flack as ARTOO tries to get a sentence out
MANKIN: Hang on, Artoo...Ob-Ewan, do you copy? I'm going to peep through the keyhole.
OB-EWAN: Too dangerous! First Jedi rule: ?Don't get caught.?
MANAKIN: Sorry, no choice. Listen, you could come down here and thin their ranks a little.
OB-EWAN drops in behind the TINKER MULCHER FIGHTERS as they chase MANAKIN. AMNOT beeps to OB-EWAN
OB-EWAN: C'mon Metamucil...keep me regular...steady, steady...now, break left!!
OB-EWAN fires as he swings back and forth behind the TINKER MULCHER FIGHTERS, blowing away four. MANAKIN heads for a trench along the side of a TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESTAR. He flies into the trench, which ends in a conning tower with a small slit between two main struts. Laser fire erupts everywhere around MANAKIN's STARFIGHTER.
CUE BALL: Manakin, switch on your targeting computer.
OB-EWAN: You'll never get through there, it's too tight.
MANAKIN: I've heard that before.
ARTOO whines nervously
MANAKIN: Don't worry, Artoo...I've done this before. He winks
OB-EWAN(VO): Use the Force, Luke. Reach out with your feelings.
MANAKIN: What the hell?! Who's Luke?
ARTOO squeals in a panic. On the VDU screen, ARTOO's squeal reads out: ?WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT/NO, WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT/WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT, ANYMORE!
MANAKIN: Wrong thought, Artoo.
MANAKIN slips through the narrow gap, sparks showering behind where he scraped through. The trailing MULCHER FIGHTERS crash in a fabulous display of pyrotechnics
MANAKIN: I made it through..barely. (He surveys the damage to his fighter's paint job...) DAMN. And I just GOT this custom job done on a special Jedi edition of REPUBLICAN CHOPPER!!
OB-EWAN continues to fire on the MULCHER FIGHTERS, chasing them into the continuing explosion at the ?keyhole?. A CLONE FIGHTER is hit and EXPLODES, the pilot flying off into space. Finally, OB-EWAN breaks off and pulls up alongside MANAKIN. CLONE POOL HALL SQUAD SEVEN joins the fight with the TINKER FIGHTERS
CUE BALL: There are too many of them.
FOUR BALL: Two droids, corner pocket.
FOUR BALL'S fighter rolls into position behind two MULCHER FIGHTERS and zaps them. They explode in a hail of fiery shrapnel...meanwhile four more loop in behind FOUR BALL'S CLONE FIGHTER
FOUR BALL: They're all over me, get them off my...
The MULCHER FIGHTERS get into position behind FOUR BALL and start using their MULCHER BLADES to shred his fighter. Pieces fly off in a stream behind the MULCHERS
FOUR BALL: I'm poppin the top, Colonel!!
FOUR BALL'S escape pod rockets away from the FIGHTER, just before the MULCHER FIGHTERS chew into the engines, which DETONATE, taking out the MULCHERS and a TRICYCLE FIGHTER
MANAKIN: I'm going to help them!
OB-EWAN: No! They are doing their jobs, so we can do ours. Now, let's go.
Another CLONE FIGHTER is hit and bursts into flames. A MULCHER FIGHTER raises its head to find a worthy target and locks on MANAKIN and OB-EWAN's FIGHTERS, firing MISSILES at them
MANAKIN: Missiles! Pull up!
MANAKIN and OB-EWAN break right and left, and the missiles follow them. The Missiles chase them for a while, as they try to dodge them.
OB-EWAN: Okay, Manakin, it's time to eject our spare parts cannisters.
MANAKIN: But we do that every mission...
OB-EWAN: It works, doesn't it? Okay, AM-NOT, eject the spare parts cannisters.
MANAKIN: Artoo, eject the ******* cannisters!
ARTOO: Whatever you say, boss.
The two fighters eject their spare parts cannisters, which the missiles collide with and explode
OB-EWAN: They overshot us . . .
MANAKIN: What?! They exploded!
OB-EWAN: Sorry. That was the next line in the script. AM-NOT, can you find me some good tunes on the radio?
Beehtoven's Fifth blares over the speakers
OB-EWAN: All right, AM-NOT. No, no. Nothing too fancy.
MANAKIN grins. He loves classical music
MANAKIN: More missiles coming in at 05. I can handle these.
ANAKIN spins his starfighter. The missiles spin and collide
MANAKIN: We got 'em. Artoo!
Two more missiles are tracking track Ob-Ewan.
OBI-WAN: Flying is for droids.
ORVILLE AND WILBUR WRIGHT, FIVE BIRDS AND A BUNCH OF FLYING INSECTS: It is?
Suddenly, OBI-WAN shudders, and his ship starts to plummet toward the surface of the Trade Federation Cruiser. The trailing missiles fly into what looks like debris, and detonate. Five silver eggs fly out of the debris and attach themselves to the ship. The eggs hatch, revealing SMALL BUZZARDS that begin to crawl across the surface like Spider-Man.
OB-EWAN: I'm hit! Manakin?
MANAKIN: I see them . . . Buzzards.
The BUZZARDS crawl across Obi-Wan's ship in a circle and start to tear it apart. SPARKS ERUPT where the BUZZARDS break into the wiring. One of the BUZZARDS goes after AMNOT.
OB-EWAN: Amnot, be careful. You have one . . .
AMNOT's head gets ripped off and flies away.
OB-EWAN: Oh dear. And I'd just installed a bar fridge, too. They're shutting down all the controls.
MANAKIN: You think? Move to the right so I can get a clear shot at them.
OB-EWAN: The mission. Get to the Command Ship. Get the Cameo! I'm running out of tricks here.
MANAKIN: Tricks? You were using tricks?
BOY: Silly Jedi Rabbi, Trix are for kids!
OB-EWAN: Shut up and get on with it. (Takes the final bite of his Trix cereal and drinks the milk)
MANAKIN moves into position just off OB-EWAN's left side and angles his ship so his guns are pointing at the DROIDS crawling over OB-EWAN?s Starfighter.
OB-EWAN: Be careful. I'm still paying this thing off!
MANAKIN fires and vaporizes the TWO BUZZDARDS, along with the left wing of Obi-Wan's ship.
OB-EWAN: (continuing) #@*$%!!!!
MANAKIN: Steady . . . steady . . . there are children watching...
OB-EWAN: Manakin, hold your fire . . . hold your fire. You're not helping here.
MANAKIN: I agree, bad idea. Swing right . . . ease over . . . steady . . .
JAB-JAB RINKS: Steady, steady.
MANAKIN: I thought study3600 killed your froggy a** back in the last Humorous Version.
JAB-JAB: fistofthedarklord didn't want me dead so he wrote me back into the story, plus I need to be in the Clown Wars, Mesa have lotsascenes dere. Mesa even getta girlfriend! Ya-hoooo!
MANAKIN: Well go wait on Coruscant until your next scene.
JAB-JAB: Okeday.
MANAKIN: Say that one more time.
JAB-JAB: Okeday.
Whack
OB-EWAN: Don't even think of trying that stunt you pulled again, Manakin.
MANAKIN: But Master, it-
OB-EWAN: You're grounded.
MANAKIN: What?
OB-EWAN: And the damage is coming out of your allowance.
MANAKIN: WHAT!?
OB-EWAN: Wait . . . wait . . . I can't see a thing! My cockpit's fogging. They're all over me, Anakin.
MANAKIN grins, lining up OB-EWAN's cockpit in his crosshairs.
MANAKIN: Move to the right.
OB-EWAN: Hold on, Manakin. You're going to get us both killed! Get out of here. There's nothing more you can do.
MANAKIN: I'm not leaving without you, Master.
MANAKIN moves his ship next to OB-EWAN's and tries to physically knock the BUZZARDS off. There are five left. He manages to get one off, but badly dents OB-EWAN's ship in the process. One of the BUZZARDS tears apiece off of the front of OB-EWAN's ship. Flames burst out, and more smoke billows out, obscuring the Jedi's view.
OB-EWAN: I know I said I wanted a nice barbecue this weekend, but not here!
MANAKIN knocks off three of the BUZZARDS and the fourth crawls out onto MANAKIN's ship and starts attacking ARTOO. ARTOO fights the BUZZARD.
ARTOO: Die rebel scum!
OBI-EWAN: Blast it ... I can't see . . . my controls are gone.
MANAKIN doesn't hear. He is sitting back in his cockpit, beer in one hand and popcorn in the other, using the hands free phone kit to make a call to his booky to put money down on the outcome of the fight between ARTOO and the BUZZARD.
MANAKIN: Get 'em, Artoo. Watch out!
OB-EWAN: Artoo, hit the buzz droid's center eye.
ARTOO extends an arm and aims a stream of electricity at the swerving BUZZARD. The BUZZARD is hit squarely in the eye and falls off the ship.
MANAKIN: Yeah, you got him!
OB-EWAN: Great, Artoo. A bit cliche, but great.
MANAKIN: Stay on my wing . . . the General's Command Ship is at 12 o'clock.
OB-EWAN: What o'clock?
MANAKIN: 12 o'clock.
OB-EWAN: What's at 12 o'clock?
MANAKIN: The General's Command Ship.
OB-EWAN: What?
MANAKIN: (annoyed) Straight ahead.
OB-EWAN: That's better. Now say the line properly.
MANAKIN: (sighs) Stay on my wing . . . the General's Command Ship is dead ahead. Easy . . . pull up ... Head for the hangar.
OB-EWAN: Have you noticed the shields are still up?
MANAKIN: Oh?!? Sorry, Master.
OB-EWAN: (to himself) Why me?
MANAKIN streaks ahead of OB-EWAN's disintegrating Jedi Fighter and blasts the shield generator. It SPARKS and EXPLODES.
OB-EWAN: Oh, I have a bad feeling about this.
Whack
A jedi starship blows up! Ob-Ewan is panicking