Attack of The Clones HV SPOILERS (Complete)

SC 04 INT. SENATE CHAMBER-DAY, THOUGH THERE ARE NO WINDOWS IN THE BUILDING, SO WE CAN'T TELL IF IT'S DAY OR NIGHT

The senate chamber is abuzz with conversation.

MAMMAMIA: Order. The creation of an army is the issue. That is what we'll vote on.

The Vulcan senate box moves toward the high chair, which Supreme Cameo Palpitatine is in.

SAREK: Permission to speak, Cameo.

PALPITATINE: The chair recognizes the honorable representative from the planet Vulcan.

SAREK: I have learned that there was a failed attempt on Senator Amidahli's life prevented by Captain Typhoon, who decided not to jinx the mission by saying "We made it. I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all."

The Talaxian senate box blows up.

SAREK: It would only be logical to create an army to help deal with these rebels.

SENATOR ASK ME: How many more annoying fur-covered aliens will die before this civil strife ends? We muzz confront these rebels now and we certainly need an army to do it.

FREE ORNTAAS: The Republic needs more security.

MELMAC SENATOR: I concur.

ALIEN SENATOR: So do I.

ORK SENATOR: NANU!

PALPITATINE: We will discuss this later. study lost the script. Need I remind you that our objective is peace, not war.

PATME: At all costs, avoid war.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND SENATOR: I agree. Peace, not war.

ILLEGAL ALIEN SENATOR JOSE RICARDIO: No, Amigos, no war.

EVERYONE (EXCEPT THE SENATORS MENTIONED EARLIER WHO WANTED AN ARMY): NO WAR! NO WAR! NO WAR!

MAMMAMIA: ORDER! ORDER IN THE SENATE CHAMBER!

Everyone shuts up.

PALPITATINE: The chair now recognizes Patme Amidalala of NuhBOO.

PATME: Less than an hour ago, someone attempted to make an attempt to assassinate me back there on the landing platform. Fortunately, Typhoon didn't say:

SAREK, SENATOR SPEAK and MAMMAMIA: DON'T SAY IT!

PATME: We made it. I guess I was wrong, there was no danger at all.

Melmac Senate box explodes, sending ALF screaming to the bottom of the Senate chamber, on fire. His yell can be heard clearly: DIAL TEN TEN TWO-TWENTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!

PATME: This is fun! We made it. I guess I was-

PALPATATINE: Enough! Amidaley, cut the crap and continue your speech.

PATME: Oh yeah, heh. (Calms down) I believe this security measure was also the target. I have led the opposition to create an army...but there is somebody in this body who will stop at nothing to assure its passage...

PALPITATINE (Nervous): You've got nothin' on me! I have rights! I have powerful lawyers! How dare you accuse me of being a Sith Lord. I-

PATME (Embarrassed): Oh, not you...right?--of course not..wait(She scrutinizes him) hmmm..hard to say.

PALPITATINE (Waves his hand): It isn't me.

PATME: It isn't me.

PALPITATINE(under his breath): Good enough.

PATME: I warn you, if create this army you do, follow, war will. Hehe. How's my Yogaspeak? Hehe. Ahh. I have experienced the misery of war first hand. It looks cool in a movie, but it's a b**ch.

All the senators are asleep.

PATME: WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Lives will be lost. Vote down this measure, which is nothing less than a declaration of war!

Everyone wakes up.

EVERYONE: WAR! NO! HOW DO WE AVOID IT?!

PATME simmers. She gives up. For now.

PALPITATINE: Due to the lateness of the hour and the fact that this scene has lasted forever, we will take up these matters tomorrow, so goodnight you pawns.

All eyes are on PALPITATINE. Silence fills the chamber.

PALPITATINE: Slip of the tongue. Until tomorrow, the Senate stands adjourned.

SC 05 INTERIOR-APARTMENT BUILDING-ELEVATOR-TWILIGHT

We finally see Hayden and Ewan, as Manakin Streetwalker and Ob-Ewan McNobi

OB-EWAN: You seem on edge. You haven't been this tense since we fell into that nest of Gundarks.

MANAKIN: What are Gundarks?

OB-EWAN: You know...those creatures that... that it's a bad thing to fall into a nest of.

MANAKIN: Oh. It's just that I haven't seen her in ten years.

OB-EWAN: Just relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind.

MANAKIN: I can't.  Patme is all I ever think about.

In slow-motion, duel of the fates music blaring, OB-EWAN's open hand comes down and strikes the back of MANAKIN's head.

W - h- a- c- k

MANAKIN: Ow! Why the hell do you always hit me, Master? Where did you pick up this habit?

OB-EWAN: Let's just say there's always a bigger fish.

The elevator opens. JAB-JAB RINKS walks into the corridor, where MANIKIN and OB-EWAN step out. He recognizes OB-EWAN and rushes to shake his hand. OB-EWAN throws a left hook that connects with JAB-JAB's elongated snout. JAB-JAB falls to the floor, nose bleeding.

OB-EWAN: It's you again. Hi.

JAB-JAB gets up.

JAB-JAB: Yousa gotten any Kleenex?

MANAKIN walks toward him with a box of Puffs.

JAB-JAB: Oh thank yousa, I-

MANAKIN suddenly drops the box and gives him a right. JAB-JAB falls to the floor, squealing like a Glub-Glub. MANAKIN brings him the tissue.

MANI: Here.

JAB-JAB: Mani? Little Mani? Little bitty Mani? (Looks at MANAKIN.) Noooooo. Yousa biggen! Yiyiyiyyi! Mani!

MANAKIN gives his a tremendous Force-push and sends him careening down the hall and down a flight of stairs.

INT. PATME'S APARTMENT-STILL TWILIGHT

JAB-JAB( with a cast on his left arm and a neck brace): Lookie here Senator. Desa Jedi arriven!

PATME kicks him in the crotch, and he doubles up in pain.

JAB-JAB(gasps): Why mesa always da one.

Meanwhile OB-EWAN EYES PATME. MANAKIN also eyes PATME. PATME eyes OB-EWAN. MANAKIN notices PATME looking at OB-EWAN and glares at OB-EWAN. PATME sees MANAKIN glaring at OB-EWAN and remembers how much that pervert MANAKIN likes her and frowns. Meanwhile, OB-EWAN, meanwhile has kept his eyes on PATME the whole time.

OB-EWAN: Why are you frowning?

PATME: Well you're handsome, and sexy at that, but Manakin - well, Manakin will always be that little boy I knew on Patootie.

She pinches MANAKIN on the cheek.

TYPHOON: The situation is more dangerous than the Cameo is willing to admit.

PATME: I want to know who gave me this bad dialogue.

OB-EWAN: We can only protect you. We can't fight a war for you.

PATME: You mean you can't start an investigation for me.

OB-EWAN: WE can't.. oh yes, right.

MANAKIN: We'll find out who was trying to kill you. I promise.

Whack

OB-EWAN: Are you deaf? We will not exceed our mandate, young paddleone.

MANAKIN: I meant only in the interest of protecting her, Master.

OB-EWAN: I will not go through this again, Manakin. We will do exactly as the Council ordered. Pay attention to my lead.

MANAKIN: Why?

Whack

OB-EWAN: What, boy, what? C'mon boy, just say "why" again.

MANAKIN: Why?

Whack

OB-EWAN: Okay you little sh**, why what?

MANAKIN: Why is Purp scaling the building and looking through the window?

OB-EWAN: Beats the hell out of me. You will learn your place, young one.

SC 13 INT. JC CHAMBER: DAY:

OB-EWAN and MANAKIN stand in the center of the council chamber. The members of the JEDI COUNCIL are seated in a circle surrounding them.

YOGA: Bounty hunter track down must you, Obi-Ewan.

OB-EWAN: Could you talk, um... forward?

Whack

YOGA: Already been through this, we have! Talk forward, I, cannot. Use your damn ears, I'm not that hard to understand.

Everyone stares at Yoga.

YOGA(CONT'D):Mean, I do, 'Use your damn ears, you must. Easy to understand, I am'.

Whack

MACE WINDY: Whatever. Just find out who this bada** mofo works for, G.

OB-EWAN: What about Senator Armadillo, or whatever... she's still in danger.

YOGA: Handle that, your Paddleone will.

OB-EWAN: But... but... his abilities have made him, well, arrogant!

YOGA: Come later in the movie, that line does. Impossible to say it now.

MANAKIN: And what's up with you always talking about me like I'm not even h-

Whack

OBI-EWAN: Oh, be quiet, both of you!

MACE WINDY: Manakin, take the Senator back to her home planet of NuhBOO. She be safa there.

MANAKIN: Won't the assassins just follow us? Duh?

MACE: You'lll have to use (long pause with dramatic music) public transportation.

MANAKIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT'S NOT TRUE, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

He falls down. Everyone just stares.

MANAKIN (CONT'D): Sorry. How am I supposed to get her to come with me? She came here to Coralchant to vote on something that has not been adequately explained, and I'm sure she'll want to stay until the vote is held.

YOGA: Until caught this killer is, do whatever the hell we want, she must.

MANAKIN: You mean, I could use the mind trick to make her strip off her clothes and make her lay on the bed as I-

GL: A-HEM

OB-EWAN: A well concieved plan. But there's great risk.

YOGA: Do it myself, I would, but old am I, and creepy would it be.

GL: GUYS!

MACE: Fine, just send her to Supreme Cameo Palpitatine, maybe he can smack some sense into her.

INT. SENATE BUILDING-PALP'S OFFICE-DAY

MANAKIN and PALPITATINE stand at the window of PALPITATINE'S office and look out over the vast city.

PALP: I will talk to Ahladada. She will not refuse an executive order, I can assure you of that.

MANAKIN: Thank you, your excellency.

PALP: Rise, my friend.

MANAKIN: I'm not even kneeling!

PALP: I sense that now you would like to continue your search for young Streetwalker.

MANAKIN: What the hell are you-

PALP: And so, my young Paddleone, they have finally given you an assignment.

MANAKIN: Why did you call me that?

PALP: What?

MANAKIN: Your Paddleone.

PALP: I meant "Prassle tun"

MANAKIN: Prassle-

PALP: Your patience has paid off.

MANAKIN: Your guidance more than my patience.

PALPITATINE: You don't need guidance, Manakin. In time you will learn to trust your feelings. Then you will be INVINCIBLE! MORE POWERFUL EVEN THAN YODA!
NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP YOU! YOU WILL RULE OVER ALL THE GALAXY! YOU WILL BE EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN ME!

MANAKIN(shivering): Thank you, your, um, excellency.

He nervously backs out of the room, whilst PALP keeps shouting about power and galactic domination

SC 14 INT. TEMPLE OF DOOM-ATRIUM-GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?-YOU GUESSED IT-STILL DAY

OB-EWAN: My Paddleone is a perverted a******. The horny b****** is not ready to escort a hot chick like Patme anywhere. It's like putting Bill Clinton in a room alone withe three gorgeous interns and expecting his Washington Monument to stay in his pants. Not gonna happen.

YOGA: Decided the council has. If screw around he does, kick his a** the council will. Purp has dibs on the area between the shoulder blades and Ki-Adi's got the solar plexus. Join in this beating you can, Master McNobi. First come, first serve. Decided we have to give it in advance. To the council chamber bring Manakin at-

OB-EWAN: He's my Paddleone and I shall take full responsibility for beating the living crap out of him if he doesn't keep his pants on!

YOGA: Wish, as you. A more and more common thing horniness is among Jedi.

WINDY: If the prophesy is true, your apprentice will be the only one who can bring balance to the force.

Everyone looks at WINDY. YOGA and OB-EWAN burst out laughing.

OB-EWAN: Good one, Windy! That was a riot! (frowns and glares at them.) If you guys hadn't stuck me with this ****in' hornytoad I could get an apprentice that doesn't undress every pretty girl he sees with his eyes, who isn't a porno addict who keeps stealing my cigarettes, ripping me off, borrowing my car without my permission and blowing his allowance at strip clubs!

PURP(just showing up): I see you at Klraxa's House of Pleasure every day!

OB-EWAN: Uh...well what were YOU doing there?

PURP: Yoga was there too!

YOGA: Don't tell Yaddle!

OB-EWAN: Hey, we got four hours before I we have to be in another scene! Let's go to the strip joint near the Newman sector! The girls there are hotter than hot!

PURP, YOGA AND WINDY: ALL-RIGHT! TO THE STRIP CLUB!

SC 15 INT. SENATE BUILDING, ARMADILLO'S APARTMENT - DAY

MANAKIN and JAB JAB stand near the door of the anteroom to PATME'S bedroom. (Since when, incidentally, do bedrooms have anterooms?) PATME and DORME move about packing luggage. Well, actually PATME is bossing DORME around as she packs all the luggage.

PATME: Representative Jab Jab. I have no choice but to count on you. (sighs) Honestly, you'd think they could've sent somebody with a brain, but no, it was always "We have to make sure the Glubglubs are represented, Senator" and "He's a hero of the Battle of Naboo, Senator" and "Nobody else wants to do it, Senator", so here I am with people trying to kill me, a drunk and a psychotic guarding me, a six-foot-tall floppy-eared frog doing my job, and I still can't find a decent hairstylist anywhere...

PATME notices everybody in the room staring at her.

PATME: Jab Jab, whatever you do, make sure the galaxy isn't plunged into a bloody tyranny which can only be ended by the deaths of billions in a terrible civil war.

JAB JAB: Yousa betchen mesa bottums.

PATME: Kill him.

OB-EWAN and MANAKIN look at each other, nod, and ignite their brightsabres.

JAB JAB: Oi, mooie mooey! I mean, I am honored to accept this heavy burden.

PATME: Eh, never mind, I'd have a hard time finding a replacement on this notice.

OB-EWAN and ANAKIN put their sabres away.

JAB JAB: I take on this responsibility with deep humility tinged with an overwhelming pride.

PATME: Scratch that. Kill him.

MANAKIN and OB-EWAN draw their sabres again. JAB JAB screams and goes running off down the hallway.

PATME: Don't let the door hit you!


PATME (CONT'D):-I do not like this idea of hiding. Well, actually I really don?t mind, but don't tell anyone. I'm glad that you and Ob-Ewan skipped the conversation where you talk about how I'm not like the others in the Senate. Because I am, you see. If I can kick back and go to Naboo with nothing to do, hey, I'm all for it!.

MANAKIN: But now that the Council has ordered an investigation, it won't take Master Obi-Wan long to find that bounty hunter.

PATME:  Sithspit! Oh, sorry. Expanded Universe word. (Pulls herself together) I'll stick to canon.


MANAKIN: Sometimes we have to let go of our pride and do what is requested of us.

PATME: Yes I know. Sticking to canon is very difficult though. Anyway...(gets back to script) Pride?!? Annie, you're young, and you don't have a very firm grip on politics. I suggest you reserve your opinions for some other time...Now, does this dress make me look fat?

MANAKIN: Sorry, M'lady. I don't think I should answer that. You just told me to keep my opinions to myself.

PATME: Mani! Come on! What about this hairstyle? I know, it's too Episode-One-ish, isn't it?

MANAKIN: Please don't call me that.

PATME: What?

MANAKIN: Mani...

PATME: I've always called you that... it is your name, isn't it?

MANAKIN: It's Anakin. No MANAKIN. No wait, um, how about Vader? Don't you think the name Vader just sounds really cool? Except it doesn't sound good by itself. Anyway, anything but Mani. When you say Mani it's like I'm still a little boy... and I'm not.

PATME(under her breath): Yeah, no kidding. Um, er, that is?.I'm sorry, Manakin. It's impossible to deny you've... (looks him over) ...Whew! that you've grown up.

PATME smiles at MANAKIN.

MANAKIN: Master Obi-Wan manages not to see it... Don't get me wrong....He?s a great master. As wise as Master Yoga and as powerful as Master Windy. I am truly thankful to be his apprentice. Only... although I'm a Paddleone learner, in some ways... a lot of ways... I'm ahead of him. I'm ready for the trials. I know I am! He knows it too. He believes I'm too unpredictable. He... Dorme would you please stop that!

Looks at DORME, who is sitting on the sidelines with a bag of popcorn and a coke- er, Jawa Juice

DORME: What!

MANAKIN: If you don't mind, my temper tantrum is for Patme's benefit alone. I cannot get her too feel all motherly and protective of me, if there's someone else in the room. I need her to come over here to comfort me soon, at which point she will realize how tall and strong I am and how pretty my blue eyes are. If you're over there breathlessly hanging on our every word it is not going to work right. She will feel uncomfortable.

DORME (grins): Sorry pal, I paid for my ticket already, and I sat in line for three months in Seattle with those other guys to get here. I had to beat fifty other people at Star Wars trivia for this chance. I bet you don't even know what shape the Death Star detention corriders were!

MANAKIN walks over to her and whispers something in her ear.

DORME: Oh that's right. Well, I guess you would know then. But still, I'm not leaving!

MANAKIN: Oh fine! Where was I?

PATME: Ob-Ewan feels you're too unpredictable.

MANAKIN: Oh yeah. (*coughs and poses*) Other Jedi my age have gone through the trials and made it... I know I started my training late... but he won't let me move on!

PATME[looks at fingernails, bored. ]:That must be frustrating.

CORDE walks into room.

CORDE: Hey Dorme, what's going on?

DORME: Manakin's throwing a fit. It's really great, pull up a chair.

CORDE: Wow! Don't mind if I do. (she does)

MANAKIN: What are you doing? Can't I have Patme to myself for five minutes? Just five minutes?

PATME: Don't talk to my handmaidens like that.

MANAKIN: Why, M'Lady.

PATME: It makes them and me feel uncomfortable.

MANAKIN: As you wish.

SC.22 INT-BURNS' MANORSCANT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-TRAINING ROOM-DAY

OB-EWAN comes out onto the training room and stops, watching TWENTY OR SO FOUR YEAR OLDS doing training exercises, supervised by YOGA.

BOY WHO SOUNDS LIKE LUKE SKYWALKER: But Master Yoga, with the blast shield down I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight?

YOGA: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.

OB-EWAN(quietly):Hmmm...

YOGA: Younglings, enough. A visitor, we have.

The children turn off their sabres and sit cross-legged in a circle.

YOGA: Meet the Bear Clan Mighty, Ewan-Ob sterMa.

OB-EWAN: You're worse.

YOGA: I ma?

OB-EWAN: You're doing that on purpose!

YOGA: Yadot Nawe-Bo ffo ssip s'tel! Ah-eey!

The kids laugh laugh hysterically.

OB-EWAN(cross): Yoga, I'm trying to find the Kablingo system, but it's not in the Jedi Archives. I have the section it's supposed to be in right here, in the Regis Cluster.

YOGA: Gnisarrabme woh...gnissarrabme woh. Sah Nawe-Bo Retsam, tenalp a tsol.

OB-EWAN: Is this payback for using your famous future death bed line earlier?

YOGA: More or less the "Damn Muppet" thing. Anyway, Liam, the shades. Alec, the candles. Harrison, the music. Now, Nawe-Bo, put your data ball on the reader.
OB-EWAN, puts it on.

YOGA: Now close your eyes and think of your happy place. Go to the center of your place and find Nawe-Bo's missing planet, we will.

OB-EWAN fumes.

JEDI CHILD MARK: Almost getting it...but not quite...I believe it's time for the Peace Pipe, Master.

YOGA: Ah, the peace pipe. Natalie, Jake, go get the Peace Pipe. Carrie, start the drums.

Soon Natalie and Jake carry the long, elaborate Peace Pipe and pass it to Mark.

Mark takes a long puff and blows smoke rings.

MARK: Someone has erased the Kablingo system from the archives, and the person who did it was...was...getting fuzzy...

Nat and Jake pass the Pipe back to Mark. He takes another puff.

MARK:...still not getting it...

He is allowed one more puff.

MARK: Uh..damn! I lost it.

YOGA: Ah, the mind of a child. Correct he is, Nawe-Bo. Erased your planet has been. Only a Jedi could have erased those files. Hey you two, give Uncle Yoga a puff. And get me my donuts and Surge. Whoo-hah! (It is Sage, by the way, not a drug).

He takes a puff, guzzles down his Surge and eats five Bavarian cream-filled donuts.

YOGA: HOOH-HA! Dark and mysterious this puzzle is! A wise Jedi once said, "Choose your friends wisely or they will steal your clothes and you will have to walk around naked."

OB-EWAN: What the hell?!

YOGA (Raises forefinger in air): Exactly. Uoy thiw eb Ecrof eht yam, Nawe-Bo!

EWAN: Lost your *******' mind, you have! Thanks for your help.

SC 25 EXT--EMPTY SPACE  (You don't get much more EXT than space)

Obi-Wan's Jedi starfighter (tm) pulls out of hyperspace and undocks the hyperdrive in a neat little merchandizing doohicky we're sure the kids will all love

OB-EWAN: There it is, Palpitatine's spy droid...

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Sorry, F-14. Where was I?

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Right, from the beginning. There it is F-14, Kablingo.

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: What? Oh wait you're right, It's over there (Pulls ship about in opposite direction).

Starfighter pulls down over Kamino, flying through the rainy weather

OBI-EWAN: Wow, lookit all that water! I'm getting a sudden surge of... inspiration! (Opens up glove compartment, pops in tape)

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Stop your pleading! I'm a FANTASTIC singer! Didn't you hear me when I was playing 'Space Truckin' all the way over here?(Music begins to play, and OB-EWAN sings along, actually horribly off key) LIKE A BRIDGE....OVER....TROUBLED WATER.... I WILL EASE YOUR MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND.....

Droid twitters louder and louder

OB-EWAN: That's not what Nicole said!

Cockpit starts to fill with gas

OB-EWAN: Hey, what's going on? F-14, is this Carbon-Monoxide? Are you trying to kill me again.

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Tsk, tsk. Silly droid. Killing's for Sith!

Droid twitters (Translation: Not for long, if you keep singing)

Starfighter docks, OB-EWAN leaps out

OB-EWAN: Now sit tight out here in the rain and rust while I go find someplace dry for a day or so.

Starfighter blasters shoot at OBI-EWAN, narrowly missing him

OB-WAN: F-14...

Droid twitters

OB-EWAN: Hahaha, silly rambunctious droid (enters city. Looks around to see a very tall elongated alien walking towards him.)

OB-EWAN: (Freaks out) AH! What the ---- is THAT? (Runs back, hits face onto closed doors).

ALIEN: Welcome MAster Obi-Ewan, welcome to Tapioca Pudding. I am No We.

OB-EWAN: (Stops trying to get away) What? Welcome where?

NO WE: Tapioca Pudding.

OB-EWAN: That's a food, not a place.

NO WE: (Insistantly) It can do both!

OB-EWAN: Ok, whatever. Wait, how do you know my name?

NO WE: We've been waiting for you a long time. We were beginning to think you wouldn't come.

OB-EWAN: You're telling me. Hey, what's up with your face?

NO WE: That's not a very polite question.

OB-EWAN: I'm scottish, we're not very polite people.

NO WE: If you must know, it's a cross between a Stormtrooper and a seal.

OB-EWAN: Hm... Something about that name gives me the chills... as if it's going to somehow come back to haunt me....seal, brrrr!

NO WE: This way please.

INT - TAPIOCA PUDDING

NO WE leads OB-EWAN towards the RING MASTER MINISTER'S chambers.

NO WE: May I present Lima-Bean Soup? Ring Master Minister of Kablingo. Ring Master Minister, this is Master Jedi Ob-Ewan McNobi.

LIMA-BEAN: I trust you're going to enjoy your stay? Would you like some Tapioca Pudding?

OB-EWAN: Uh... no thanks.

LIMA-BEAN gestures to an empty chair

LIMA-BEAN: Please. (OB-EWAN sits.) And now, to business. You will be delighted to hear that we are (pauses) on schedule.

OB-EWAN: Oh? Um... erm... that's... um... cool.

LIMA-BEAN: Two hundred thousand units are ready. With a million more on the way.

OB-EWAN: Oh.. that's really good to know.

LIMA-BEAN: Please tell your Master Sid-Vicious, that his order will be met (pause) on time.

OB-EWAN: I'm sorry... Master who?

LIMA-BEAN: Jedi Master Sid-Vicious is still a leading member of the Jedi Council, is he not?

OB-EWAN: Sid Vicious killed himself in 1979, I have no idea what you are talking about.

LIMA-BEAN: He did? Hmmm.

LIMA-BEAN sits looking confused. After a moment, NO WE walks up and whispers in his ear. He sits up, a look of realisation on his face.

LIMA-BEAN: My mistake. Scratch that. Tell your Master Sofa-Dofa, that his order will be met on time.

OB-EWAN: Oh, Master Sofa-Dofa. He was killed almost ten years ago. Tragic really. A Bothan sat on him and he suffocated to death.

LIMA-BEAN: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm sure he would have been proud of the circus we've built for him.

OB-EWAN: (suddenly perking up) Circus?

LIMA-BEAN: Yes. A clone circus. And I must say, one of the finest we've ever created.

OB-EWAN: (sounding hopeful) Tell me, Ring Master Minister. When my Master first contacted you about the circus.. did he say who it was for?

LIMA-BEAN: Of course he did. This circus is for the Republic. But you must be anxious to inspect the units for yourself.

OB-EWAN: Hell, yes. Just try and stop me! The only question is, where do I buy peanuts??

SC 26 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-WATER SPEEDER- LANDING PLATFORM-LATE AFTERNOON

A water speeder driven py PATTY CAKE, the retreat caretaker, docks at the island landing platform. MANAKIN and PATME disembark at the base of a beautiful island in the middle of a lake..whew!

SC 27 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-LODGE-GARDEN TERRACE-LATE AFTERNOON

MANAKIN an PADME walk up some stairs, and stop at the balustrade, whatever that is. PATME looks at the wonderful scenery.

PATME:When I was in Level Three, we used to come here for school retreat. See that island-HEY my face is UP HERE, Manakin!

MANAKIN: I was just reading what it says on your shirt, M'lady. 'Babe In Total Control of Herself'. Very clever. Why aren't you wearing a beautiful dress?

PATME: DO YOU THINK I WANTED PEOPLE ON THAT TRANSPORT TO KNOW I WAS ROYALTY?!

MANAKIN: But it's been hours since you got off the transport!

PATME: Flowig dresses that expose my entire back and long brown hooded robes just aren't my style.

SC 28 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-LODGE-GARDEN TERRACE-LATE AFTERNOON

PATME: Are you going to use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me ?

MANAKIN: They only work on people whose minds is like puddy, ready to be molded into any thing I desire. I don't need mind tricks to make you love me..only money!

PATME: You're suck a dork ! No wonder you cant get any! Well at lest R-Jelly don?t think the way ....

MANAKIN: ( Looking at her with a frown ): Wait a minute...whose R-Jelly ?

PATME: ( gazing at the sky with a goofy grin ) : Oh,... you don?t know him, he's a RnB superstar singer, wrote the song space jam.. I was twelve. We was both at the Grammys together, he was...uhhhh a few years older than I... very cute, nasty, braids in his hair, he had a-

MANAKIN: ( cutting her off ) : Alright ! Alright !, I get the picture...whatever happened to him ?

PATME: ( looking off into space ) : Uhhhhhhhhh, there was some charges against him, something about kiddie Porn and movies he was into, but I went off to become a queen and he went off to...uhhhhhh, become a...inmate.

MANAKIN: Maybe he was the smart one.

PATME: You really don?t like singers...or politicians for that matter, do you ?

MANAKIN : I like two or three...well up to and not including some of my fellows Jedi whose running for office on the D.L., but the system sucks, and the low life scum sucking citizens are suffering because of it.

PATME : I'm afraid to ask you how would you have it work !

MANAKIN : Easy ! We tell these punk a** politicians, la rasa, Essay, you know what's gonna happen when we come through ! You either gonna git down, or you gonna lay down !believe me baby, they know what time it is when the N.J.O. come up in here !

PATME : (looking bored ) : Oh, really ?

MANAKIN ( getting excited ) : Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, but check this out though, say you get a politician, right ?...and he feeling brave all of a sudden. Y'know starts actin like hes Charles Bronson or something, You take the back of your brightsabre and bash it through his nose pushing it up to his brain ! Then you try to design a punch to make his liver bleed..
Believe me , after that, he'll let you know whether he wears ladies underwear.

PATME SIMPLE SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISGUST AS MANAKIN CONTINUES

MANAKIN (big smile on his face ): Remember baby, when they're just layin there..on the floor...with blood coming out of their eye sockets...and they're going... ?please, Mani, please....? my reply would be.. ?Hey ! You should have thought about that... before you spilt Palpitatine's drink !? Hahahaha

PATME : You ruthless thug ! Thats not how its supposed to go ! Everyone has a right to disagree !

MANAKIN : No one has the right to do anything but obey the laws that was set up by our Republic !

PATME : Thats crazy, and if they don't obey ?

MANAKIN ( Getting pissed off ) : Then we are authorized by the executive order of our beloved leader, to use any and all means to make these a******s see the light and the glory of the Lord !

PATME : That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.

MANAKIN ( flashing a mischievous little grin ) : Naw baby, its really a great democracy...you just don't know it !

PATME : You're makin fun of me.

MANAKIN ( sarcastic with a wide grin ) : I'm makin love to you, theres a difference !

PATME : I don't think so ! For one thing , you're a kid to me. For another you're not even on my social level. My friends would think I was a trashy ho, for sleeping with you.

MANAKIN ( Laughing ) : They already think that ! So why not just be yourself...

PATME PICKS UP A PIECE OF FRUIT AND THROWS IT AT HIM. THE FRUIT HITS HIM IN THE HEAD.
THEY GET INTO A FRUIT FIGHT


SC 29 INT-NUHBOO- LAKE RETREAT, DINING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

BAMBI PLACES DESSERT IN FROM OF PATME AND MANAKIN. THE DESSERT IS A COCONUT CUSTARD PIE FOR PATME AND A LOW FAT CHOCOLATE DONUT FOR MANAKIN , WHO LOOKS AT HIS PLATE WITH A LARGE FROWN

PATME ( trying to eat her pie ) : What's wrong with you ?

MANAKIN ( picking up the donut that looks stale ) : what do you think ? Look at my dessert and look at yours.

PATME ( smiling ) : Manakin, When we was back on Consonant, Ob-Ewan told me that you were on a strict Jedi diet, so I figured that...

MANAKIN ( looking at her with a frown ) : Wait a minute ! When you and my master went into your bedchambers, all that you and him talked about was my diet ?!

PATME : Yeah, that and also about your trainin and how you progressed, that's all...

MANAKIN: ( pissed off ) : That's all ? You was alone with him in your bedchambers for 2 hours, what the hell kind of training takes two hours to talk about ?! You couldn't have thought that it takes two hours to say that all I like to eat is low fat stale a** chocolate donuts ?!

PATME: manakin, you?re over reacting, there's nothing going on between Ob-Ewan and I, okay ? So take a chill pill...


SPLAT !!!


SC 30 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT, LODGE, FIREPLACE ALCOVE - TWILIGHT

A FIRE BLAZES IN THE OPEN HEARTH. PATME IS SITTING IN FRONT OF IT WITH A MEAN LOOK ON HER FACE. MANAKIN IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER WITH A RATHER DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE, WITH SWEAT RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.

MANAKIN ( looking sad and pitiful ) : Listen, Patme....I'm really sorry for using the force to smash the pie in your face...I...dont know what came over me. Uhhhh can, I...tell you something.

PATME REMAINS SILENT WITH ANGER IN HER FACE

MANAKIN ( looking more pitiful and sad ) : can I tell you something ?

PATME REMAINS SILENT WITH ANGER IN HER FACE

MANAKIN ( looking down ) : alright I will ask you something.

PATME ( still not giving eye contact ) : Manakin..don't even try it !

SUDDENLY THREE MEN DRESSED IN BLACK TUXEDOS COMES FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN AND BEGINS TO DO A TWO STEP DANCE LIKE THE SINGING GROUP , THE ALLUREMENTATIONS. SINGING BACKGROUND VOCALS PARALLEL TO MANAKIN?S WORDS AS SOFT LOVE MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND

MANAKIN ( getting down on one knee, looking at Patme ) : From the moment I first met you baby..all those years ago,

SINGER #1 ( singing ) : The moment I first met yooooooou

MANAKIN : a day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you,...

SINGER#1 (singing ) : Well, well, well...

MANAKIN : And now... now that I'm close to you again...I'm in agony, baby !

ALL THREE SINGERS ( singing, while doing the two step dance ) : He'ssss in aaaa gooo nyyyyy !

MANAKIN : The closer I get to you, the worse it gets.... you know all my friends used to tell me, Manakin...why you such a fool... but you know what I tell them...

SUDDENLY MANAKIN JUMPS UP AND JOINS THE THREE SINGERS AS THEY ALL SING IN HARMONY

MANAKIN / THREE SINGERS ( singing ) : That I... am a fooool for your Looooove !

MANAKIN JUMPS BACK DOWN TO ONE KNEE LOOKING BACK AT PATME

MANAKIN ( talking again ) :You know, baby ? I?m haunted by the kiss, you never gave me.

SINGER #2 ( singing ) : You should haaave..... done it... girlllllll !

MANAKIN : My heart is beating, hoping that the lack of a  kiss will not become a deep knife wound to my back with you twisting it deeper, laughing at me as you do it .

ALL THREE SINGERS ( singing ) : Murderer !

MANAKIN : You are the stuff men would sell their souls for.....

SINGER #3 ( singing ) : To the devvvvil...Luuuuuciferrr

MANAKIN : You are tormenting me....what can I do, baby ?......I?ll do anything that you ask, just...just...

MANAKIN SUDDENLY JUMPS BACKS UP AND REJOINS THE GROUP

MANAKIN / THREE SINGERS ( singing ) : Give me your love, DARLIN!

Give me your life, DARLIN!
GIVE me your heart, DARLIN,Or this heart of mine will die alone!

PATME: I will NOT give into this!  

MANAKIN: We could keep it a secret.

A smile creeps over Patme's face. 

PATME: Yeah, but no, we'd be living a lie.  Could you live like that, Manakin?

MANAKIN: No, it would destroy us.

GHOSTS OF ROMEO AND JULIET: Yep, don't we know it!


SC 31 INT. KABLINGO-TAPIOCA PUDDING-CLONING FACILITY:

A WHOLE MESS OF test tube babies are in a HUGE mechanism, and below, Clones are in various stages of growth and development.

LIMA-BEAN SOUP:  Would you like a steaming bowl of Lima Bean Soup as I give you a tour of this cloning facility, Ob-Ewan McNobi?

OB-EWAN: Um, no thanks.....

LIMA: Clones can think creatively. You'll find they are vastly superior to droids. They take any order without question.

OB-EWAN: What if they receive conflicting orders?

LIMA: Hasn't happened yet. Our growth acceleration programs help them to be grown in a matter of a few years, otherwise they would take a lifetime to grow.
Aside from his pay, which is considerable, their original host only demanded one thing: A single, unaltered clone for himself. No growth acceleration, and no docility to make him lass independent. Curious isn't it.?

OB-EWAN: Who is the original Host?

LIMA: A Bounty Hunter named Mango Fett.

OB-EWAN: Where is this bounty hunter?

LIMA: Oh, we keep him here.

OB-EWAN: I would very much like to meet him.  

LIMA: That can be arranged.

OB-EWAN: Hey, I got another question.

LIMA BEAN SOUP: Go ahead.

OB-EWAN: Okay, here goes: In the Heir to the Empire trilogy, wasn't it established that if you accelerate the aging process of a clone, that it would become mentally unstable? Therefore aren't all these clone troopers a little EI?

LIMA-BEAN SOUP: We Kablingoans make it a point to avoid the EU. It's confusing, sparks heated debate and raises too many questions. But yes, they are a little cuckoo. They like to...act out, act weird, goof off, clown around. Their father is worried about them. And about Bubba, his son.

OB-EWAN: I thought you said they were superior!

LIMA BEAN SOUP: Oh they can fight. But their social behavior is...strange.

OB-EWAN: But if they are like that, and they are clones of Mango...

NO WE: It's a long story. You saw their circus so you know what I'm talking about.

OB-EWAN: Personally, I woudn't want an-

Suddenly, a group of various aliens are emerging from the darkness.

ALIEN # 1: Hey, we're looking for a chap named Purp. He disappeared one day and no one can find him. He was an esteemed Jedi Master and no one has any idea what he looks like.

ALIEN # 2 (hands OB-EWAN a slip of paper): If you ever see him, give us a subspace call, wouldja?

ALIEN # 1: Thank you so much.

They all walk away.

OB-EWAN: Well, I must be going. I'll give the council your message.

SC 32 INT. TAPIOCA PUDDING CITY, CLONE CENTER, COMMISSARY - DAY

LIMA BEAN CONDUCTS OB-EWAN THROUGH A LARGE EATING AREA, NO WE FOLLOWS AS THE CLONES GET INTO A MASSIVE FOOD FIGHT.

SC 33 EXT. TAPIOCA PUDDING CITY, PARADE GROUNDS ( RAINSTORM ) - DAY

NO WE ( Very excited ) : Magnificent, aren't they ?

OB-EWAN NODS SLOWLY

Down below, Clones are fetching their helmets, putting them on, and marching in formation.

NO WE walks up to OB-EWAN and LIMA BEAN SOUP.

NO WE: I will take you to see Mango.

SC 34 INT. KABLINGO- STATIC CLEAN HALLWAY-MANGO'S QUARTERS

NO WE: Bubba, is your father home?

BUBBA: Dad, No We's here!

Out of the bedroom comes a man in a white terrycloth robe, barefoot, his hair wet from a recent shower.

OB-EWAN: You must be proud of your clones, they are impressive, a bit loony, but impressive.

MANGO: I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.

OB-EWAN: Ever made it as far into the interior as Cormoneyscant?

MANGO: I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.

OB-EWAN: Recently? Hey what's that in your closet?

MANGO(In Pacific Islander Tongue): Hey Bubba, what did I tell you about leaving that fr*****' closet door open! (To OB-EWAN): I'm just a simple man tring to make my way in the universe.

BUBBA goes to close the closet door, and closes it.

OB-EWAN: Good day. (He leaves).

SC 35 EXT. KABLINGO-OPEN DOOR JUST OUTSIDE OF FACILITY

LIMA BEAN SOUP: Tell your Council the first battalions are ready and remind them that if they need more troops it will take more time to grow them.

NO WE: Thank you Are you sure you don't want any Tapioca pudding for your long journey home?

OB-EWAN: No thanks.

SC 36 EXT. TAPIOCA CITY-LANDING PLATFORM

OB-EWAN races to his fighter. He calls out to his F-14 unit.

The unit beeps.

OB-EWAN: Scrambled eggs 2, care of the geriatric ward. Hurry!

A little RADAR dish pops up, and begins transmitting a message.

SC 37 INT. BIGRICHFATCATSUSCANT-TEMPLE OF DOOM-MEDITATION CHAMBER-EVENING

A holgram of OB-EWAN is live before YOGA AND MACE WINDY.

These cloners are using a bounty hunter named Mango Fett to create a clone army. They claim Jedi-Master Sofa-Dofa put it an order for them almost 10 years ago. I was under the impression he was killed before that?

WINDY: They had no authorization from us. Bring the bounty hunter here.

YOGA: Question him, we will.

OB-EWAN: On a one man fighter?

WINDY: Put a space suit on him and tie him to the hood.

OB-EWAN: (rolls eyes) Yes, Master.

SC 38 INT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT

MANAKIN moves restlessly in his sleep.

MANAKIN: Oh, Patme. Ohh, yes. Patme...wait...what?s that...your not Patme! You?re...uuuggh!...a man in a green and red sweater with knives on your fingers!.. must run. Must run, must run. Must stop and buy ice-cream...5 credits for a Good Humor bar! That?s robbery! Must run...must run...NICHAEL
HACKSON! GAA! Must run faster! Is that...is that MOM? She?s... no, NO, NO! Patme? Is it really you? Let me fondle you and kiss you...WAIT! You?re Richard Simmons! AHHHHHHGH! MOM...NO! No I don?t believe you. You?re not Patme.......you are? Well prove it....WOAH! But Mom.........


SC 39 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE RETREAT-LODGE-BALCONY

PATME walks in on MANAKIN while he is meditating.

MANAKIN: Je*** ******! Don?t you ever KNOCK?! Now I need to start ALL over again! What a way to spoil my concentration!

PATME: You had a nightmare last night.

MANAKIN: Jedi don't have nightmares.

PATME: I heard you. And I could also here you snore. From two rooms down the hall.

MANAKIN: Jedi don't snore, either.

PATME: You're lying.

MANAKIN (smiling): Jedi don't lie.

PATME(smiling back): You're full of ****, you know that?

MANAKIN (laughs): If I tell you about my dream, will you get out of here?

PATME(leans close): No. You know...over the past few days, I... (she kisses him passionately.).

MANAKIN (Suddenly pulls away): I saw a city in the clouds. Friends I have there. I must go to them! I gotta help them. I know that if I go now, help them I could, but I would destroy all for which they have fought and suffered.

PATME: Whadda?

MANAKIN: My mother's in pain. I have to go to Patootie, to save Mom. I have no choice.

PATME: I'll go with you. That way you'll still be protecting me and you won't be disobeying your mandate.

MANAKIN (not serious): What about Master Ob-Ewan?

They look at each other and burst out laughing. They kiss and fall to the floor.

PATME: It's getting hot in here. May I take-

GL: NEXT SCENE PLEASE!

SC 40 EXT. TAPIOCA PUDDING-KABLINGO LANDING PLATFORM (RAINSTORM)-DAY (how anyone can tell whether it's day or night I can't explain)

MANGO FETT's ship, AMISTAD I, rests on the landing platform. MANGO and BUBBA FETT are preparing to board. MANGO is holding a red, yellow, blue, green, and purple umbrella over him and his son. OB-EWAN rushes through the tower door and towards the ship.

BUBBA: Dad! Look! He's getting all wet!

MANGO(tossing OB-EWAN a second umbrella): Bubba! Get aboard!

The BOUNTY HUNTER rockets onto the top of a nearby tower. MANGO fires down at OB-EWAN, who is shielded by the umbrella.
OB-EWAN launches a neuro-net from the tip of his umbrella, which MANGO dodges.
OB-EWAN then rapid-fires several stun-rays, all of which miss MANGO.
Inside the cockpit of AMISTAD I, BUBBA brings the weapons systems on-line. He pushes a button.

FEMALE VOICE: Nuclear missile armed.

BUBBA(panicks): Oh no, oh no, oh no! (presses another button).

FEMALE VOICE: Action canceled.

BUBBA: Whew! I picked a helluva day to stop drinking.

He shoots a volley of destructive bolts OB-EWAN's way, which completely miss him.

BUBBA: Father says I need to work on my aim.

Meanwhile, MANGO drops down from the tower and bunts OB-EWAN with his open umbrella. Then he spins and high-kicks the winded OB-EWAN in the face.OB-EWAN drops to the ground. Just as MANGO is about to press the self closing button on his umbrella to make it into an effective spear, the wind catches it and he is carried away. Just then he notices a leak in his armor. Closing his umbrella he falls ten feet to the surface right on his face. He starts crying. OB-EWAN comes over.

OB-EWAN: There, there. Why are you crying?

MANGO: I got hurt and water is getting into my suit. And come to think of it I deserve a pay raise! Training those little twerps takes a lot out of a man. Money puts it all back in, but there are still holes in me. Voids that cannot be filled. I'm a very unhappy man.

OB-EWAN: Well, when I'm down on money and down on luck, the rain makes me happy again. (get up, does a little tapdance.) I'm happy, in the rain.

MANGO: But the rain depresses me, (gets up) but I'm beginning to see your point of view. Why be depressed and down, when you can be happy?

OB-EWAN:When I'm unhappy and soaked, I cheer up really quick. And sing. Sing in the rain.

Music starts up

OB-EWAN(begins to sing): I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again.

MANGO: Oh, I get it. Singing in the rain makes you feel good alll over again! (joins in) I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again.

They both start singing together, dancing, their arms around eachother's shoulders.
They get on top of a waterlogged couch and it falls over backward, and they jump off onto the platform.

We're laughing at clouds.
So dark , up above ,
The sun's in my heart
And we're ready for love.

Let the stromy clouds chase.
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
Have a smile on your face
We'll walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
And singin'
Just singin' in the rain

We're dancin' and singin' in the rain.

During the interlude they both do impressive tap dances. BUBBA watches, munching on popcorn.

We're singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling
We're happy again.

We're singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain

We're dancin' and singin' in the rain.

In the cockpit, BUBBA applauds, though no one can hear him

MANGO: Thanks. Now I'm happy enough to kick you a**!

OB-EWAN: Glad to have helped. Now where's my brightsabre?

MANGO: Got it right here! (throws it behind him.)

OB-EWAN runs after it, and reaches out to force-grab it. A wire wraps around his wrist. MANGO rockets off, dragging OB-EWAN across the surface of the platform.
As OB-EWAN is being dragged across the platform he runs into some columns, bounces off them, and for some reason heads toward a patch of rosebushes that are flooded and dead. He goes through them, coming out bleeding and with his robe torn, then he crashes into a pile of broken beer bottles, cactuses, and a pihrannah tank. Finally, OB-EWAN gets caught on barbed wire and MANGO crashes to the ground. MANGO's rocket pack breaks free from his back and explodes.

Losing all his common sense to rage, OB-EWAN charges MANGO and knocks him over the side. OB-EWAN realizes, too late, that he's still connected to the bounty hunter.

OB-EWAN: Oh, crap.

Locked together, OB-EWAN and MANGO FETT slide down toward the raging ocean.

MANGO: Go go gadget forearm claws!

MANGO digs his forearm claws into the surface. OB-EWAN slides past him, cursing like a mo**, and falls over the edge, still attached to the wire. Finally MANGO ejects the wire from his wrist. OB-EWAN continues his fall toward the ocean.

OB-EWAN uses the Force in an attempt to wrap the wire around a pole. He misses and falls into the ocean with a great splash. A few seconds later, OB-EWAN surfaces amongst the crashing waves.

OB-EWAN: Blast, this is why I hate falling!

The AUDIENCE looks on in puzzlement.

OB-EWAN: Well, I do!

OB-EWAN pulls a grappling hook from his utility belt and tosses it up to a pole, then climbs up to a SMALL SERVICE PLATFORM. When MANGO looks down, the JEDI has disappeared. MANGO uses his forearm claws to climb back to the landing platform--

The Landing Platform: Hey, how come the small service platform gets its name in all-caps and I don't?

GEORGE LUCAS: rolleyes.gif

--and runs toward his ship.

INSIDE THE COCKPIT--

The Landing Platform: The fr****** cockpit gets its name in all-caps too??

GEORGE LUCAS: ST*U!

BUBBA FETT settles into the pilot's seat. He punches buttons. The engines ROAR.

OB-EWAN comes running out onto the landing platform--

The Landing Platform: I quit.

OB-EWAN plunges toward the ocean once more as the landing platform winks out of existence. Fortunately, the SMALL SERVICE PLATFORM is there to save him. As he falls, he pulls a homing device from his utility belt and throws it onto the departing AMISTAD I's hull.

BATMAN: Hey, enough with the utility belts, you wannabes!

OB-EWAN: Why do I get the feeling we've picked up yet another pathetic lifeform?

BATMAN: Pathetic? Why I oughta...

OB-EWAN: Did you see how much Batman and Robin made?

BATMAN hangs his head in shame as he departs the HUMOROUS VERSION.

SC 58 EXTERIOR PATOOTIE

The NuhBOO Starship descends, hovers, descends further, hovers some more, ascends a bit, hovers, and lands on a bluff. MANAKIN and PATME get out. They look down from the edge of the bluff to where the homestead is seen on the desert floor below.

PATME: Stay with the ship, Artoo.

ARTOO WHISTLES (translation: Like I'd want to go with you losers anyway!) as MANAKIN and PATME start down the trail toward the homestead.

STINKY-O is working outside the homestead. He looks up as MANAKIN and PATME arrive.

STINKY-O: Oh, hello. How might I be of service? I am, um...

MANAKIN: C-ThruMe?

STINKY-O: Oh my, oh my... my maker! Master Manakin, you've returned! But that name no longer has any meaning to me.

MANAKIN: Makes sense, I suppose...

STINKY-O: Don't ask me why, but I am now known as Stinky-O.

MANAKIN: Why?

Whack

STINKY-O: And this must be Miss Patme.

PATME: Hello, um... Stinky-O.

MANAKIN: I've come to see my mother.

STINKY-O: I think... I think... therefore I am... I am... Perhaps we'd better go indoors.

059 EXTERIOR PATOOTIE, HOMESTEAD, COURTYARD - LATE DAY

Manakin, Patme, and Stinky-O arrive in the courtyard. Stinky-O shuffles ahead.

STINKY-O: Master Klug, Master Larks! Might I present two important visitors?

O-WAN LARKS and BEROO BRITESUN come out into the courtyard.

MANAKIN: I'm Manakin Streetwalker.

O-WAN: O-Wan Larks. This is my girlfriend, Beroo.

BEROO: (looks suggestively at Manakin and licks her lips) Hello, Manakin. I'm sure you'll find it very pleasant here--

O-WAN: Shut up! Who said you were allowed to talk?

MANAKIN: (to Beroo) Shave the 'stache. Sheesh.

PATME: (glares at Manakin) I guess I'll just have to introduce myself... I'm Patme.

O-WAN: I guess I'm your stepbrother. Of course, despite that line some morons will still wonder how I could be as old as you when Shmoo didn't have me ten years ago. I had a feeling you might show up some day.

MANAKIN: Is my mother here?

KLUG: No, she's not.

KLUG LARKS swings from the house on a rickety old wheelchair, cursing at each bump. One of his legs is wrapped in duct tape; the other is missing. He balances awkwardly and puts out a hand.

KLUG: Klug Lars. Shmoo is my wife... Come on inside. We have a lot to talk about...

060 INTERIOR PATOOTIE, HOMESTEAD, KITCHEN - LATE DAY

A woman's place is in the kitchen. BEROO puts several cups of Kool-Aid on a tray.

KLUG: It was just before dawn. They came out of nowhere. A gang of juvenile delinquent Tusky Raiders.

BEROO brings the drinks in from the kitchen. Like a good wife, she is seen but not heard.

KLUG: Your mother had gone out early, like she always did, to pick magic mushrooms that grow on the vaporators.

MANAKIN: Magic mushrooms?

KLUG: Of course, they're the only valuable thing we can grow in this wasteland.

MANAKIN: Ah yes, I remember hearing my master talk about them.

KLUG: Anyway, from the tracks, she was about halfway home when they took her. Those Tuskies walk like monsters, but they're vicious, mindless men. Thirty of us went out after her. Four of us came back. I'd be with them, only... after I lost my leg I just couldn't ride any more... until I heal.

O-WAN: Like that's ever going to happen.

KLUG: I don't want to give up on her, but she's been gone a month. There's little hope she's lasted this long.

Silence. Then MANAKIN stands up.

O-WAN: Where are you going?

MANAKIN: (grimacing) To the refresher, Gonkdammit! My bladder is about to explode!... Then to find my mother.

KLUG: Your mother's dead, son, accept it.

MANAKIN: That's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!

MANAKIN turns abruptly and runs out, holding his crotch.

SC 61 EXT. PATOOTIE-HOMESTEAD-MOISTURE FARM-LATE DAY

MANAKIN stands looking across the desert. PATME comes running out of the homestead after him. MANAKIN turns to PATME.

PATME: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you...

MANAKIN: It's ok, I'm just about done peeing... *ZIP!*

PATME: I didn't know that Jedi Robes had zippers.... Anyway, I came to talk to you... We decided not to fall in love, which is why I'm going to wear as many sexy outfits around you as possible...

MANAKIN: So you're saying that there's a chance?

PATME: No... *wink, wink*

MANAKIN: Well pudu, as soon as you said no, I went and hooked up with one of your handmaidens....Anyway, you are going to have to stay here. These are good people. Patme. Well, good enough, anyway. You'll be safe as long as you avoid any advances by O-Wan. You're obviously way more hot than Beroo and I've noticed him staring at your body evey time she wasn't looking. And Klug seems a little off his kilter. I wouldn't advise you or Beroo to be anywhere near him when he's drunk.

PATME: Manakin...

She hugs him, and he places both hands firmly on her-nevermind. MANAKIN walks to O-WAN's speeder bike, which O-Wan found parked near Mos Epson and has a D.B. monogram on the handlebars.

MANAKIN: I won't be long, and I'm just saying that to comfort you. The truth is I could be gone a very long time, and I might end up not coming back. Smell ya later.

MANAKIN leaps onto the speeder. Nothing happens.

ARTOO: Sheeble deeble do.

MANAKIN: Oh.

He turns the ignition switch. The engine fires. He takes off across the desert. PATME watches him go, shaking her head.

SC 62 EXT. GENESIS PLANET-TOWER ENTRANCE-DAWN

OB-EWAN makes his way toward a clustering tower of fantastic stalac-stalag-stalacmites (whatever). OB-EWAN sneaks up to the main one. He sneaks inside.

SC 63 INT. GENESIS-CORRIDORS-MORNING

OB-EWAN makes his way along a narrow, pillared corridor. He comes to what looks like a large open well or vent shaft. He looks down and sees a huge underground GENERAL DRONES FACTORY below.

OB-EWAN: This reminds me of the time Li-Gon took me to see the Droid Factory on Pixelated when I was a boy. Ah, memories.

He continues to walk on, then hears voices...

He darts behind a pillar as TROGGLE THE LITTLE (Archduke of Genesis), his aide SOME FAT, COUNT DOODU and NEWT RAYGUN approach, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY PASQUALLE FROM ARGENTINA and WHAT TIME. COUNT DOODU is tall, elderly and saturated with beautiful manners. OB-EWAN flattens himself against the pillar as they pass by.

DOODU: Now, we must persuade the Commercial Guilds and the Corporation Alliance to sign the treaty.

RAYGUN: What about the Senator from nuhBOO?

DOODU: Which one, Velcro?

RAYGUN: The female. Is she dead yet? I'm not signing your treaty until she is dead.

DOODU: Oh, come, now. That was ten years ago. Can't you get over that? Personally I'd like to see Jab-Jab Rinks die the death.

They move out of earshot. OB-EWAN watches them go and moves up a flight of stairs. He arrives at a narrow gothic archway, and looks down through it.

SC 68 EXT GENESIS- DAY

OB-EWAN: My long-range transmitter is knocked out.  F-14, try boosting the signal.

F-14: Sc*** you.

OB-EWAN: Ok, I'll have to try something else.  F-14, *please* locate Manakin on NuhBOO.....that's Manakin's tracking signal alright, but it's coming from Patootie.  What in holy hell is he doing there?  Well, I'll have to improvise.  MANAKIN, retransmit THIS message to Corkycan.  The Corporation Alliance, The Trade Federation, the Commercial Guilds and Thanos are making a treaty with Count Doodu and are planning to-(Suddenly a buch of Trycycle  Droids overwhelm him.) OH ****! HELP! HELP SAVE ME! FORGET ABOUT THE GO***** SENATOR AND GET YOUR A** OVER HERE! THAT IS AN ORDER! 

MANGO FETT: Don't move, Jedi.

SC 69 EXT. PATOOTIE-DAY

A funeral Procession of Java Sandcrawlers and various speeders and podracers of all sorts, each bearing a yellow flag, escorts MANAKIN STREETWALKER who is driving the STRETCHED HEARSE SPEEDER with his mother's dead body in it, wrapped in cloth covering from head to toe. He delivers the body to the LARKS homestead.

SC 80 EXT. SPACE

The something something Nubian heads towards the rings of Genesis planet

SC 81 EXT. GENESIS PLANET-DAY

MANAKIN pilots the ship close to the ground, weaving around towering rock formations.

PATME: See those columns of steam straight ahead? They're exhaust vents of some type.

MANAKIN: How do you know they're not natural phenomenon?

PATME: The script.

Manakin flies into the column of steam, which carries the ship to the top of it. The ship spins out of control.

PATME: I DIDN'T SAY FLY INTO IT YOU MORON!

They crash land on the surface

As they prepare to leave the ship Patme turns to Manakin

PATME: Let me do the talking, okay. The last thing we need is you killing everyone in there with your brightsaber. As a member of the Senate, perhaps I can find a diplomatic solution.

MANAKIN: I'd argue with you, but I've got better things to do.

PATME: Like what? (Their eyes meet.) Oh, you animal, you never get enough, do you?

A half hour later MANAKIN and PATME come out of the ship, Patme rebuttoning her shirt, Manakin zipping up his fly. They begin to look around.

SC 82 INT. COCKPIT-SOMETHING SOMETHING NUBIAN-DAY

ARTOO: *whistle* beep prattle

STINKY-O: My obtuse little friend, if they'd needed our help they'd have asked for it, mm? You have a great deal to learn about human behavior.

ARTOO: What? Help them? I'm the little droid who could that gets no appreciation around here. They can rot in Hell.

STINKY-O: You can talk?

ARTOO: Hell, I always could. But when I beep and make baby sounds, no one can understand me and I can say whatever I want behind their backs. Very convenient.

STINKY-O: What were you saying then? I can usually understand your beeps.

ARTOO: I said I hope they never come back. Good riddance.

STINKY-O: Come to think of it, I don't want to be left here alone. What if they don't come back?

ARTOO: Gee, I never thought of that. Let's go!

SC 84 INTERIOR GENESIS, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

COUNT DOODO sits at a large conference table with PATME on the far side. MANAKIN stands behind her (discreetly ogling her luscious curves) with FOUR GENESIS BUG GUARDS (also checking out PATME) standing behind him. MANGO FETT stands behind COUNT DOODO, and SIX GENESIS BUG GUARDS stand behind him.

PATME: You are holding a Jedi Knight, Ob-Ewan McNobi. I am formally requesting you turn him over to me, now.

DOODU: I don't think so.

OB-EWAN AND MACE WINDY: Hey, that's my line!

DOODU: He has been convicted of espionage, as well as three counts of corrupting a minor and seven of indecent exposure. He also has fifty-three outstanding parking violations. He will be executed - in just a few hours, I believe.

COUNT DOODU smiles.

PATME: He is an officer of the Republic. You can't do that.

COUNT DOODU: We don't recognize the Republic here, Senator, but if Nuhboo were to join our Alliance, I could easily hear your plea for clemency. Actually, I can easily hear your plea for clemency already, but I'm choosing to ignore it, you see.

PATME: NuhBOO will never join you.

PATME pauses, a thoughtful look on her face.

PATME: But maybe this will do instead.

PATME eyes COUNT DOODO seductively and begins to remove her shirt. PORNO MUSIC starts up in the background.

GEORGE LUCAS: CUT!

PATME: What, is this getting too racy for you?

GEORGE LUCAS: No, no, it's just... (brandishes script) I decided that this scene has way too much dialogue in it. I'm a visual storyteller, remember? Let's get this over with and get to the big action sequence. Take it from the end of this scene. Mango?

MANGO: Take them away!

SC 85 INT. GENESIS-HIGH AUDIENCE CHAMBER-DAY

MANAKIN and PATME are standing in the center of what looks like a courtroom (well if it only LOOKS like a courtroom, then what is it?). Seated before them in a tall boxed off area is TROGGLE THE LITTLE, the Archduke of Genesis. He is accompanied by his underling, SOME FAT. Off to one side sit Separatist Senators CHIEN PO, TESLA, and BUCKTOOTH TORA. Next to them are Commercial dignitaries SHOE HORN, NEWT RAYGUN, PASQUALLE FROM ARGENTINA, WHAT TIME, and SAM HILL of the intergalactic Bank 1 Clan. Along the wall are a HUNDRED GENESINS.

SOME FAT: You have been charged and found guilty of impersonating bounty hunters.

TROGGLE: Do you have anything to say before your sentence is carried out?

MANAKIN: I am taking Ob-Ewan and the Wookiee. You can either profit by this or be destroyed. It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.

TROGGLE laughs. COUNT DOODU (where was he in the scene description?!) simply smiles.

RAYGUN: Carry out the assassination. I want to see her head on my desk.

PATME: You were behind the assassination attempts?

RAYGUN: Yes. Your little insurrection is at an end, your highness. Now let's sign the treaty and end this pointless debate in the Senate.

Whack

GHOST OF LI-GON: Hey! Rehashing TPM lines is MY job!

TROGGLE: Your other Jedi friend is waiting for you, Senator. Take them to the Gladiator ripoff arena!

FOUR BUG GUARDS take hold of PATME and MANAKIN. They are escorted out of the chamber.

SC 89 EXT. GENESIS PLANET-TERRAIN OUTSIDE GLADIATOR RIPOFF ARENA-DAY



The massed lines of parked Big bad Federation Starships and the TINKER DRONES surrounding the arena, are themselves surrounded by thousands of Republic Starships(I’d sure like to see THIS represented in the movie!), disgorging (EEEEEEWWWWWW!) TENS OF THOUSANDS OF CLONE TROOPERS (I only saw hundreds. Hmmm...) Beyond, more Republic Starships are landing and spewing out(YUK!) troops. The Republic Gunships circle towering stalactites, er, stalagmites....or are they stalactites? -as they head toward the assembly point. GENESINS fire laser cannons up at the Gunships.



SC 90 INT.GENESIS COMMAND CENTER-DAY



DOODU, TROGGLE, NEWT and RUNE enter a huge command center. In the center of the room is a huge map table, with figures representing the droid and clone armies. TROGGLE takes a stick and moves back the droid army, advancing the clones. In the background morse code and the sounds of GENESINS muttering in Japanese can be heard. The morse code suddenly stops. The GENESINS look frustrated.



TROGGLE: All our communications have been jammed!



NEWT: The Jedi have amassed a huge army.



DOOKU: That doesn’t seem possible. How did the Jedi come up with an army so quickly?



NEWT: We must send all available tinker drones and assorted vehicles that kids will want to have as toys into battle.



SC 91 INT. GUNSHIP NUMBER TWO-DAY



Ground fire and explosions rock the Gunship. PATME, MANAKIN, and OB-EWAN steady themselves.



OB-EWAN: Hold on to your knickers, guys!



Boy that was a short scene



SC 92 INT. GENESIS-COMMAND CENTER-DAY



COUNT DOODU, TROGGLE THE LITTLE, NEWT RAYGUN and RUNE VIIKING are playing RISK using the map table, clones and droids, dice and a special set of cards.

DOOKU has every region if the arena, the plains outside, and is getting 20 more armies to strategically place wherever he wants. The other players are about to be wiped out



NEWT: This is not looking good at all.



Suddenly, the Morse Code starts back up and TROGGLE gets up to look at the reports.



TROGGLE: Order a retreat. I am sending all my warriors deep into the catacombs to hide.



RUNE: (Sounding like Freddy Krueger) We must get the cores of our ships back into space.



Everyone looks at Rune



NEWT: What happened to your voice?



RUNE: Throat condition.



DOODU: I’m going to Doruscant. My master will not let the Republic get away with this treachery.



TROGGLE crosses to a holographic schematic of the DEADLY STAR and downloads it into a cartridge. He gives it to COUNT DOODU.



TROGGLE: The Jedi must not find our designs for the ultimate weapon. If they have any idea what we’re planning to build, we are doomed.



EU FANS: What?! We thought that KUMQUAT DRIVE YARDS designed the DEADLY STAR.



DOODU: Well, later in canon it will be established that both The Genesins and Kumquat Drive Yards were resposible, so shut it. (TO TROGGLE:) I will take the designs for the ultimate weapon with me. They will be much safer with my master.



SC 93 INTERIOR GUNSHIP NUMBER ONE - DAY



MACE WINDY stares at the incredible sight.



Mace Windy: That’s incredible.



Clone Captain: Yes, sir.



Mace Windy: I’ve never seen anything like it.



Clone Captain: Yes, sir.


Mace Windy: Now land at that assembly area.



Clone Captain: Yes, sir.



Mace Windy: But really, that’s such a very incredible sight.



The incredible sight is, in fact, a horde of dancing CLONE TROOPERS simultaneously firing their blasters and doing the pointy finger pose toward the TINKER DRONE armies. The Gunship lands, and several JEDI, along with more of the movin’, shakin’, droid-blasting CLONE TROOPERS, disembark.



Why are the CLONE TROOPERS acting like this, you might wonder? Well, they’re clones of MANGO FETT, and he always was a bit of a clown himself).



Celebrate Good Times, C’mon!



AAYLA-LA SECURITY, leading a contingent of troops, decides that she wants in on the fun and begins dancing too. FANBOYS burst into applause.



George Lucas: Note to self: give Aayla-la an expanded role in the next episode.



SC 94 INT. GUNSHIP WITH MANAKIN, PATME AND OB-EWAN IN IT-DAY



MANAKIN: Aim above those fuel cells!



The clone trooper fires some rockets at the spot above the fuel cells. There is an explosion but nothing major happens. OB-EWAN gives MANAKIN a sideways glance.



OB-EWAN: Bad call, young Paddleone. That didn’t accomplish anything. Once again you’ve proven that your inept-



A deafening explosion as thousands of tinker drones spontaneously combust as a result of MANAKIN’S actions.



OB-EWAN:(CONT’D) Damn, you’re good!



SC 95 INT. LARGE HANGAR WHERE DOODU KEEPS HIS SPEEDER(sorry-forgot my script)



DOODU gets on his speeder bike and nothing happens.



BUG GUARD: Sheeble Deeble Doo.



DOODU: Oh, of course!



He turns the ignition. The speeder takes off.



SC 96 INT. MANAKIN’S GUNSHIP



MANAKIN, OB-EWAN, a CLONE TROOPER and PATME are playing poker.



PATME: What a smooth ride!



TROOPER: I see your 50 and I raise you 100.



OB-EWAN: Do you think he’s bluffing, Manakin?



MANAKIN: I can’t tell. He’s wearing a helmet over his face.



Suddenly, the game is interrupted as the ship is blasted by laserfire and DOODU zooms by on his bike. Cards fly everywhere.



MANAKIN: He’s gonna pay for that! Shoot him down!



TROOPER #543544: We’re out of quarters, sir. GAME OVER.



MANAKIN: Nuts! Ob-Ewan, got any change?



OB-EWAN: All my quarters fell overboard.



MANAKIN: Follow him!



SC 97 EXT. GENESIS PLANET-DAY



All h-e-double-toothpicks has broke loose. The Jedi and Clone Troopers have started a huge disco party. Eveyone’s dancin’ the night-er, day away with those party-lovin clone troops as they hack, slash and blast away those tinker drones.



Burn, Baby Burn

Disco Inferno...



Explosions rock the planet and the DJ rocks the house.



GL: No! Oh, my poor, poor movie...



INT. GUNSHIP NUMBER ONE-DAY



YOGA: To the forward command center take me. and bring me a bottle of Surge! whoo-ha!



SC 98 INT. GUNSHIP NUMBER TWO-DAY



DOODU signals the two fighters flanking his ship. They veer off left and right, loop around, and come up behind our heroes’ Gunship. To avoid the BEEQUEEN fire, the Gunship banks up a steep dune but is still hit. The ship lurches on its side, and PATME and a CLONE OFFICER tumble out.



MANAKIN: PATME! Put the ship down!



OB-EWAN: Manakin, don’t let our personal feelings get in the way! We have a job to do! (To pilot) Follow that speeder!



PILOT:(thinking) Oh no! Conflicting orders! Crap, what do I do?



MANAKIN: Lower the ship!



The ship begins to lower, while at the same time following DOODU.



MANAKIN: Put the ship down!



OB-EWAN: You will be expelled from the Jedi Order! We can end this war right now! I need you! Follow that speeder!



MANAKIN: Land!



OB-EWAN: Follow!



MANAKIN: Land!



OB-EWAN: Follow!



PILOT: AAAAGH!(jumps out.)



Quickly OB-EWAN takes the controls.



OB-EWAN: What do you think Patme would do were she in your position?



MANAKIN: Rescue me.



OB-EWAN: Oooh you’re stubborn!



SC 99 INT. GUNSHIP NUMBER TWO-DAY



The Gunship lands at the Command Center. Yoga disembarks, eating a jelly donut and guzzling a 2-litre of Surge.



CLONE COMMANDER: Master Yoga, all forward positions of the dance party are advancing.



YOGA: Very good. Very good. Ahhh, bring me a ship.



SC 100 EXT. GENESIS DUNES-DAY



The two clone troops who fell out of the gunship approach Patme, who is still in her bra and panties., lying on her back.



CLONE #1: Are you all right?



PATME: I think so.



CLONE #2: We better get you back to the Forward Command Center.



PATME: No, no. Gather up what troops you can. We’ve got to get to that hangar (Note: never mind how in the galaxy she knows about the hangar.) Get a transport.....but first...Is it true you boys take any command without question? (She smiles suggestively)



CLONES: (in unison) happy to oblige, ma’am!



SC 101 INT. GUNSHIP NUMBER TWO-DAY



MANAKIN and OB-EWAN watch as DOODU parks his speeder. OB-EWAN parks the gunship near the speeder and OB-EWAN AND MANAKIN leap down and run into the hangar, brightsabers ignited, just as the BEEQUEENS shoot down the gunship.



MANAKIN: You’re going to pay for all the Jawa Juice you and your flunkies consumed today, Doodu.



OB-EWAN:(TO MANAKIN) We’ll take him together. You move on the-



MANAKIN: I’m taking him NOW!



He runs forward recklessly, brightsaber swinging.



OB-EWAN: Typical.



DOODU: (extending a hand)May the best man win. Put’er there.



MANAKIN: Wait...you mean it? You want to shake?



DOODU: I’ve never been more serious in my life.



They shake, and suddenly a thousand volts run down through MANAKIN’s body and he is thrown back against the far wall.



DOODU: You Jedi get more gullible each year. As you can see, my Jedi powers are far beyond yours.



OB-EWAN: You mean Sith powers?



DOODU: Oh, yeah, of course. Silly me. Now..back down.



He shoots lightning at OB-EWAN, who blocks it with his saber.



OB-EWAN: I don’t think so.



DOODU: Hey, NO FAIR! You can’t do that! What’s the point of Sith lightning if it doesn’t work against Jedi?



OB-EWAN: Let’s fight like men...with swords.



DOODU: I’m lucky I took my arthritis pills earlier. It’s been acting up lately. Ah, but if I must, ah, but I’m too old to fight you alone, so I have a helper. Darth Bludgeon, please step forward.



Out of the shadows comes DARTH BLUDGEON, all sewn up and stitched together, wearing a skull and crossbones T-shirt and carrying a boombox on his shoulder. He sets it down and ignites his sabre. He sticks his tounge out.



BLUDGEON: Nah-nah -nah -boo-boo! Suckers! Jerks! Buffons! We are the Sith! We are revealing ourselves to the Jedi. Who’s first?



MANAKIN: I’m taking them now!



OB-EWAN: No, wait, MANAKIN! Remember what just-



MANAKIN charges across the open space at DARTH BLUDGEON, who smiles smugly, watching him come. MANAKIN raises his brightsaber. At the last moment, Darth Bludgeon sidesteps and puts out his leg, which MANAKIN stumbles over and flops flat on his face.



BLUDGEON: Have a nice trip! See ya next fall! Aha ha ha!



BLUDGEON then kicks MANAKIN in the side, then MANAKIN grabs his leg and pulls him to the floor and they wrestle around for a good two minutes, throwing punches and biting each other. Meanwhile, OB-EWAN is already fighting DOODU and the fight is furious. Suddenly a loud clang is heard, like the bell in a clocktower.



DOODU: Tea time!



OB-EWAN pulls up a table and two chairs and they sit down for a nice spot of tea.



OB-EWAN: One lump or two?



Meanwhile BLUDGEON and MANAKIN continue to wrestle and fight. They nearly overturn the tea table and DOODU rolls his eyes.



DOODU: (Holding teacup with pinkie extended)Such idiocy. Bludgeon never was that bright.



OB-EWAN: (Doing the same) Manakin’s worse. A good fighter, but a little lacking in the brains department. You know I bet if-



Suddenly Bludgeon comes crashing down onto the tea table, spilling tea all over the place, including the Jedi and two Sith.



DOODU: Okay, back to fighting.



OB-EWAN comes in fast, swinging at COUNT DOODU’s head. DOODU parries the cut easily. As they fight it quickly becomes clear that DOODU is the complete swordsman- elegant, graceful, classical and a bit evil.



DOODU: Master McNobi, you disappoint me. Yoga holds you in such high esteem.



DOODU parries another cut and then thrusts. OB-EWAN turns his head toward MANAKIN and BLUDGEON who are now fighting with their sabers.



OB-EWAN: Need any help?



MANAKIN: I can handle this!



DOODU: Come, come, Master McNobi, put me out of my misery.



OB-EWAN: that line’s only in the script.



DOODU: But I like it!



OB-EWAN: Hey Manakin, tag me!



Manakin tags him.



MANAKIN and OB-EWAN switch dueling partners, so that MANAKIN is fighting DOODU and BLUDGEON is fighting OB-EWAN. OB-EWAN and BLUDGEON stare each other down.



OB-EWAN: Now let’s finish what we started on NuhBOO!



Bludgeon charges. OB-EWAN sidesteps and puts his foot out, which BLUDGEON trips over, and falls on his frontside with a thud.



OB-EWAN: Have a nice trip. See you next fall. Aha ha. Ha.



Meanwhile DOODU cuts off Manakin’s arm and uses Dark Force lightning to send him carreening into a wall.



OB-EWAN force-grabs MANAKIN’s brightsaber and begins to fight BLUDGEON(who has gotten up) and DOODU at the same time.



OB-EWAN: As you can see, my dear Doodu, Yoga was right to hold me in esteem!



The three fight with fastness and furiousness, the likes have never been seen in a Star Wars movie, not even in Revenge of the Sith. OB-EWAN opens a can of whoopa** on the two Sith while spewing out one liner after one liner.



Meanwhile MANAKIN groans, wishing he had been the one to wield two sabers.



Suddenly through the thick smoke emerges the heroic figure of YOGA. He stops on the smoke-filled threshold



Silence. Count Doodu steps away from OB-EWAN to face the JEDI GRAND MASTER.



DOODU: Master Yoga.



YOGA: Count Doodu.



COUNT DOODU hurls objects at YOGA which all completely miss him. Then DOODU brings down boulders which also miss YOGA.



YOGA: Much to learn you still have. The Dark side I sense in you.



COUNT DOODU: I have become more powerful than any Jedi. Even you, my old Master.



DOODU hurls force lightning at YOGA but he just absorbs it, visibly yawning and scratching his backside.



DOODU: It is obvious this contest will not be decided by our knowledge of the Force, but by our skills with a brightsaber.



While OB-EWAN and BLUDGEON watch, YOGA AND DOODU go at it, YOGA flipping over and looping continually, his saber only occasionally striking DOODU’s, and then only by accident. DOODU yawns and drinks a cup of water.



YOGA: Fought well you have, my old Paddleone.



DOODU: This is just the beginning. The battle is far from over.



YOGA: Check your script you must. We don’t fight anymore.



DOODU: Oh, right.



He brings down a massive cyllinder on top of YOGA.



YOGA: Get this thing off me!



DOODU and BLUDGEON escape on DOODU’s SOLAR SAIL SHIP.

Just then PATME arrives with some CLOWN TROOPERS. PATME takes some potshots at the SAIL SHIP, but in vain. Then she sees YOGA trapped under the cyllinder, and uses the Force to lift it off of him.



YOGA: You can use the Force?!



PATME: It’s called the White, okay?



MANAKIN: What about ME? I’m over here very badly hurt with one arm, M’Lady!



PATME: Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe.



OB-EWAN: Did Mani-Wani lose an armie warmie?



MANAKIN: I HATE you!



YOGA: Time for that, it is not yet.



They watch as the solar ship flies away.



SC 102 EXT. SPACE



COUNT DOODU’S eye-shaped ship hacks out a disgusting membrane out its front side which unfolds into a SOLAR SAIL, and careens off into OUTER SPACE.



SC 103 INT. DOODU’S SHIP-COCKPIT



Doodu is reading a book, eating Caviar and sipping a single drink. as some mini robots trim his facial hair a bit and he listens to Wagner. BLUDGEON has his earbuds in attached to his boombox, banging his head.



SC 104 EXT. NEWYORKANT-INDUSTRIAL ZONE-NIGHT



Doodu’s SHIP lands in a derelict of a building. DOODU and BLUDGEON disembark and walks to a waiting DARTH CHIN.



CHIN: Welcome home, Lord Tinnitis and Lord Has-been.



BLUDGEON: Hey!



CHIN: Quiet, you!



DOODU: Good news, my Lord. The War has begun.



CHIN: Excellent. Execute Order 66.



DOODU: Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves, Master? The Clowns have not gained the trust of the Jedi yet.



CHIN: Then Order me 66 cheeseburgers I’m starving.



DOODU: Do you have 66 of EVERYTHING?



Whack



CHIN: Just order the d***ed food NOW!



DOODU: Yes, my lord. (Activates a holoprojector). 66 cheeseburger surprises STAT.



CHIN (licks his chops): Everything is proceeding as Jab Jab Rinks has forseen.



DOODU: Whadda?



CHIN (Smiles): Once more the Bith will rule the Galaxy!



DOODU: You mean Sith.



Whack



CHIN: Correct me again and I’ll mop the floor with you.



DOODU: Ouch! Sorry master!



SC 105 INT. DUBAINANT- TEMPLE OF DOOM- DUSK



OB-EWAN MCNOBI talks to MACE WINDY



OB-EWAN: Do you belive what Doodu said about Chin controlling the Senate.



YOGA: Joined the dark side Doodu has. Lies, deceit, creating mistrust are his ways now.



WINDY: I do not believe the Sith could have returned without our knowing about it.



OB-EWAN: Wait, what? That was your big line in Epidsode I. Now it is known the Sith have returned.



WINDY: We must discover the identity of this Dark Warrior.



YOGA: More importantly, find out who he is working for.



OB-EWAN: Do you guys not hear yourselves? Now you’re rehashing lines from TPM!



YOGA: It seems that lost a planet Master Ob-Ewan has.



MACE: He’s lost more than that.



MACE and YOGA laugh at OB-EWAN’s expense.



OB-EWAN: What the h*** is so funny? You know it’s a good thing we had all those clones

or we wouldn’t have been victorious over all those blasted tinker drones.



YOGA: Victory? (Guffaws) Most of the Jedi will be dead in four years now and you call THAT victory? G** I need some Wild Cherry Pupsi and my sage pipe right about now.



MACE: Whadda?



YOGA: I forsee that Anakin will not be able to breathe without a giant black suit soon.



OB-EWAN: So you don’t approve of this Clown War?



YOGA: I’m d*** opposed. D*** d*** opposed.



MACE: Nevertheless, I feel we should keep a closer eye on the Senate.



YOGA: Puh-leeze? Who controls the senate? The CAMEO! Who got voted emergency powers? The CAMEO! It’s a No-brainer people! Let’s watch the CAMEO!



MACE: I agree.



YOGA: Ob-Ewan, where is your apprentice?



OB-EWAN: On his honeymoon with Patme Armaggeddonallallaa. They’ll be back in two weeks. For some reason she took five elite Arch troopers with her. She has no need of them really. It’s strange.



SC 106 EXT. WHATHAVENTWECALLEDITBYNOWUSCASNT- ROTUNDA-EVENING



CHANCELLOR PALPITATINE, BAILY SMITS and OTHERS watch from a balcony as hundreds of thousands of Clown Troops load into Imperial Star Destroyers-er Republic Ships. Baily Smits secretly gives Palpitatine Bunny Ears behind his head and sticks out his tongue and makes a funny face and thumbs his nose with his other hand.



SC 107 INT. NUHBOO-TWEED CITY- CASERTA PALACE-DAY



Queen Jamtart knocks upon a bedroom door.



JAMTART: Are you decent in there, Senator?



The door comes open ajar and Patme is draped in bedsheets she is holding around herself.



PATME: My Queen, when the Senator’s bedchambers are a’rockin, don’t come a-knockin’!



FADE OUT



END CREDITS



As the song ‘When the House is A Rockin, Don’t Come A-Knockin’, plays the following credits roll:



Written by:

study3600

the_jedi_princess

Opie Wan Cannoli

Scruff

Keith

Purp

Darth Vacuous

Sache8

Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn

Gonk

Jandor_Tarvin

GENERAL RIKKAN

Jeff 42

Geoff Morton

Peter Tutham 27

Jade Solo

Jedi Master Greg



Best Boys:

George Lucas

Dave Filoni

John Favraeu

Ahsoka Tano

Yoda

Grogu

Luke Skywalker

Rex



Key Grips:

General Grievous

Jar Jar Binks

Creepio

Dot Matrix

Barf





Compiled and edited by Brent Lee Sohlden “study3600” Koivopolo V



Coming soon: The Complete I-IX Humerous Versions. Written by the Jedi Council and some possibly exclusively on a different fanfic site than this one if I can get that site off the ground. Don’t worry I’m keeping most everything as is, keeping 99.999 percent of all jokes and ideas contributed. Main changes will be like what Purp or D Vac did with his TPM HV SE on Geocities, streamlining for continuity and eliminating redundancy and comments and putting the whole puzzle together and adding more jokes and scenes. I do not claim this work as my own. It belongs to all of us as we all contributed. No one made any money off it. It will be free and in the public domain for all to read. This ending was a long time coming and i procrastinated finishing it for years. Now it or this Episode of it is done to be compiled at my home and published to the world as your work, your labor of love on the internet for all. Now we can move on, finish III VII, VI, do VIII and IX and even other Humorous Versions of things like Halo and Star Trek films. The sky’s the limit. I will not advertise my fanfiction site on this site unless i have permission from the admins to do so. Once I gather the little there is of VII I will work on it, one post to revive it, and gather Episode III HV and go on from there. What follows is links to the three parts of the Attack of the Clones Humerous Version. And btw, the 4 year olds were not smoking pot at all. It was not a mind altering drug, but harmless sage. I am also publishing these on inkitt.com as the work of the Jedi Council and of my fanfic boards, as Purp once did on Geocities with TPM HV for the world to see. God bless and may the Force be with you always and for evah!!!!!! Ciou!



A SPEAKPURPANDVAC UNLMTD PRODUCTION

finis