The Phantom Menace HV SPOILERS (add-on) (incomplete)

A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UN LTD PRODUCTION

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away....



SC 01 EXT SPACE



A vast sea of stars serves as the background for the main title crawl which rolls up into infinity.




THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS

EPISODE I:

THE MENACE, NOT DENNIS, BUT A PHANTOM MENACE

It is a time when people are greedy (when aren’t they) and the evil TRADE FEDERATION is up to no good.

They have set up a blockade of the tiny planet of NuhBOO, because they’re upset over being taxed.
Wait a second...a Star Wars movie that’s about some tiny planet being invaded? How important IS this planet anyway?
Will it really make a difference? Anyway, the CAMEO of the Senate has dispatched two JEDI to meet with the VELCRO and bring an end to the blockade....

The camera (yes, there’s a camera, even if this is an NES and NOT a movie) sweeps down over a star-filled field of...well, stars. It’s space. A republic cruiser flies in towards the Fedration blockade.

SC 02 INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT

LI-GON: Tell them we wish to board at once.

PILOT: The ambassadors for the Cameo want to be seen at once.

STRANGE LOOKING ALIEN WHO IS JUST REALLY A PERSON IN A RUBBER MASK: Yes, of course.

SC 03 EXT. SPACE AROUND NUHBOO

The cruiser flies into the chief ship.

SC 04 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-HANGAR

NOTC-3PO: I am NOTC-3PO at your service. This way please...



They move off down the hall way. Two worker droids look on but say nothing because their lines were not included in the film.


The two Jedi, still cloaked, walk into the meeting room together, being led by a droid which looks like C-3PO did in the holy trilogy, except this one is silver. The two Jedi take off their hoods. They're Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor... er, Li-Gon Gin'nTonic and Ob-Ewan McNobi

SC 05 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

LI-GON: That's clever, because your first line is an immediate reminder to all the Star Wars geeks out there of a line that's used often in the Original Trilogy, which will make them happy. But don't worry, my young paddleone, the Velcro is a coward. These negotiations will be short.

OB-EWAN: It's not about this mission, Master. It's something... elusive. And what's a paddleone?

LI-GON: Well, it's the word George Lucas created to mean Jedi apprentice. He invented it waaaaaaay back in an early draft of the original Star Wars movie.

OB-EWAN: Oh, you are wise, indeed, Master.

SC 07 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

READERS: Scene 07? What happened to Scene 06?

study3600: J/k

SC 06 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-BRIDGE

NEWT RAYGUN and DOLT DOINGFINE stand, stunned, before NOTC-3PO.

NEWT: Whhat? What did yhou saay?

DOLT: Godzilla!

NEWT: Not yhou!

NOTC-3P0: The Ambassadors are Neeson and McGregor, I believe.

DOLT: Hi knew it! Thhey where sent to fhorce a settlemnt, eh. Blind me, we’re done for!

NEWT: Okay. (Pokes out DOLT’s eyes)

DOLT: Aaaah!

NEWT: Stay calm!

DOLT: Stay CALM?!?You just put my eyes out, you stupid--

NEWT: I’ll wager the Senate isn’t aware of the Supreme Cameo’s moves here. Go, distract them until I can contact Lord Chin.

DOLT: Are you brain dead?

NEWT: I can put out more than your eyes, you know.

DOLT: Aaah...good point. You!

NOTC-3P0: Yes?

DOLT: Sort it out, will you?

NOTC-3P0 lets out a squeaky sigh and walks off, pausing as one arm falls off.

SC 07 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan sit at the large conference table.

OB-EWAN: Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?

LI-GON: No... I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial and uninteresting to the audience of devoted eight-year-olds as this trade dispute.

OB-EWAN: I mean the stupid waiter!

NOTC-3P0 enters with a tray of drinks.

LI-GON: I told you you should have been patient.

SC 08 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Newt, Dolt and Rune Viiking are before the hologram of Darth Chin, a robed figure whose face is ineptly obscured by a ridiculously large hood.

DOLT: This sceme of yours has failed, Lord Chin. The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these actors.

DARTH CHIN: You seem more afraid of the audience than you do of me, Doingfine. I am amused. Velcro!

NEWT: Yes, my Lord?

DARTH CHIN: I don't want that sack of parrot droppings in my sight again.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.

Dolt pees himself, then drops dead of combined fear and embarrassment.

DARTH CHIN: This turn of event is entirely predictable. We must accelerate our plans, Velcro.

RUNE: Eh, my Lord, how many cliches can you cram into a scene?

DARTH CHIN: Quiet, you! Velcro, begin landing your troops.

NEWT: Ahhh, my Lord, is that... legal?

DARTH CHIN: Well, er,... no, not exactly, but I figure... (recovers composure) Never you mind!

NEWT: O-kaaay... and the Jedi?

DARTH CHIN: Make a futile attempt to kill them. We need some sort of dramatic tension here.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.

SC 09 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HANGAR

The Republic Cruiser sits still. The two bad actors inside realize there is something wrong- considering there is a huge cannon pointed at them. Just to wake the audience up the ship explodes- rather loudly.

SC 10 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

The two Jedi immediately jump to their feet. Gas begins entering the room.

LI-GON: Gas!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, I shouln't have eaten that mustard!

LI-GON: We haven't time for that now, my young paddleone. (looks at Ob-Ewan) Move your saber, for kriffs' sake, you can't see around it like that!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, Master.

SC 11 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HALLWAY

A hologram of Newt, surrounded by tinker drones, appears in the hallway.

NEWT: They must be dead by now.

TINKER DRONE 1: Then how can we have a plot?

NEWT: Well, I... ah, well, hey, open the doors.

The door opens and a cloud of gas comes out. Silence.

TINKER DRONE 2: Maybe they are dead.


SC 12 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Alarms are going off all over the place, making it impossible to hear.

NEWT: What in blazes is going on down there?

RUNE: What? You wore a blazer and your underwear?

NEWT: What's underwater? Speak up, man!

RUNE: No thanks, I just ate.

NEWT: We're not late, we're on schedule! WILL SOMEBODY TURN OFF THOSE KRIFFING ALARMS!?!?

No one can hear him. Newt sighs, pulls out a laser pistol, and blasts a control planel. The alarms stop.

NEWT: Now, what were you saying?

RUNE: Ahhh, sir...(points to the ruined control panel) You just opened up all the defensive barriers between the Jedi's location and here.

NEWT: Well, I...Oh kriff!

SC 13 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HALLWAY

Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan continue to knock the crap out of the tinker drones. Li-Gon walks up to the bridge door and gives it a good solid kick. It falls down with a mighty crash.

NEWT: Aw crap! Release the destroyer droids!

Two tricycle-shaped droids come rapidly down the hallway, stopping and unfolding into a laughable imitation of a threatening battle pose.

OB-EWAN: Master! Destroyers!

Li-Gon turns from where he has Newt and Rune backed up against a wall with his saber at their throats.

LI-GON: Oh, goodie.

He grabs Rune and tosses him into one of the destroyer droids, which keels over and falls apart.

LI-GON: Cheap Nematodan-made crap. Come on, my young paddleone, let's go.

SC 14 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - LANDING BAY

Li-GON and Ob-Ewan come out of a ventillation shaft and drop twenty meters to the floor. Ob-Ewan twists his ankle on landing, and Li-Gon hits a stack of boxes.

OB-EWAN: Dammit!

LI-GON: Ouch!

They drag themselves to a position where they can see thousands of tinker drones entering a landing craft.

OB-EWAN: I think we have a problem

LI-GON: Yeah, they're all going to different places

OB-EWAN:What?

LI-GON: Put in your hearing aid

OB-EWAN: huh?

LI-GON:  PUT IN YOUR HEARING AID !

OB-EWAN: What was that about the braid?

LI-GON: HEAR. ING. AID

OB-EWAN: Oh. (He pulls out a small earpiece on a brown, twisty cord that now runs from his right ear to his pocket.)

LI-GON:That's the last time I pick a Padawan who's into heavy metal.

OB-EWAN: It's an invasion army.

Li-Gon gives him a look.

OB-EWAN: Okay, a rather pathetic invasion army, to be sure, but still an invasion army.

LI-GON: This is an odd play for the Federation. Stow aboard a ship, we'll meet down on the planet.

OB-EWAN: But why on earth would we want to do that, Master?

LI-GON: To keep the plot moving.

VOICE OVER: THE ATTACK CRUISER FOR NABOO AND POINTS WEST WILL BE DEPARTING FROM PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUARTERS IN FIVE MINUTES. ALL PASSENGERS....

SC 15 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

WHAT NOW: Sir, we're receiving a transmission from the planet.

RUNE: It's Queen Padme Naberrie Amidala or whatever they're calling her this week herself.

NEWT: At last we are getting results.

On the crappy viewscreen, QUEEN ARMADILLO appears in her throne room. Wearing a massive and elaborate headdress that makes Princess Leia's double buns look like cornrows, she sits, surrounded by the governing council and four handmaidens, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, and Sneezy.

NEWT: Again you come before us your highness and/or Majesty. The Federation is pleased.

PICARD: Yes we are.

AMIDARILLA: You will not be so pleased when I finish these quasi-royal circumlocutions and get to the point, Velcro. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

Newt attempts to smirk, finds that the shape of his head doesn't allow it, and gives up.

NEWT: I was not aware of such a failure.

AMIDRALLA: You are unaware of many things, Velcro. Like the thirty trained assassins sneaking up behind you right now.

NEWT: What the-?

He spins around, panicked.

AMDILALA:(giggles)Made you look! (Coughs, returns to the flat Royal voice) I have word that the Senate is finally voting on term limits. And this blockade of yours.

NEWT: I take it you know the outcome already-I wonder why they bother to vote.

AMILALLA: Because, Velcro, they're paid by the hour.

NEWT: Ah, I see, yes...

AMIDALLALAA: Enough of this pretense, Velcro! I am aware that the Supreme Cameo's ambassadors are with you now and that you've been commanded to reach a settlement.

NEWT: (breaking into a cold sweat) I know nothing about any Ambassadors, especially not two Jedi being played by an Irishman and a Scot. You must be mistaken.

AMADILLY: Be careful, Velcro. The Federation has gone too far.

PICARD: No we have not!

NEWT: Your Majesty, Highness, or whatever, we would never do anything without the approval of the senate unless we were commanded to by a mysterious dark figure in a robe. You assume too much.

AMIDALLY: We will see. For our royal optician comes tomorrow.

The transmission ends.

RUNE: She's right, the Senate will never-

NEWT: It's too late for that now. We have to have a plot, you imbecile!

RUNE: Do you think she expects an attack?

NEWT: She suspects everything. We must move quickly to disrupt all communications (pause) down (long pause) there.

RUNE: Why the pauses?

NEWT: Damn this appliance! Damn the creature shop!

SC 16 INT. NUHBOO-CASERTA PALACE - THRONE ROOM-DAY

The Queen, Dopey, Sneezy, and her Governor Some Babbler, stand before a hologram of Senator Palpitatine, a thin, kindly man who sounds a helluva lot like Darth Chin.

PALPITATINE: How could that be true? I have assurances from the Cameo, his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be (the transmission begins breaking up) a... get... nego... large fries...

The hologram sputters and fades away.

AHMEDALLA: What's happened?

Captain Kirk turns to his sergeant.

CAPT. KIRK: Check the... transmission... generators!

BABBLER: A communications disruption can only mean one thing. A plot device.

AMIDAALA: The Federation would not dare go that far!

PICARD: Ha!

CAPT. SHATNER: The... Senate would ... revoke their trade franchise... and then they'd... be finished!

AMMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation.

BABBLER: If you say so, President Carter. We've lost all communications! And where are the Cameo's Ambassadors? If this is a consular ship where are the ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend ourselves.

CAPT. KIRK: This is a... dangerous situation, Your Majesty or Highness. Our security volunteers in... Nutcracker outfits will be... no match... for a whole bunch of Federation tinker drones.

AMODOLLY: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

The sound of fighters flying overhead is heard. One wall of the throne room explodes

BABBLER: (testily) I think it's just a BIT late for that, Your Majesty.

SC 17 EXT. SPACE AROUND NUHBOO

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet. One of them goes pixelated for a moment before recovering.

SC 18 EXT. NUHBOO SWAMP - TWILIGHT

Three landing craft(what happened to the other three?) descend through the cloud cover, which mysteriously parts to let them through with a nice wide margin.

OB-EWAN's head emerges from the mud of a shallow lake.

OB-EWAN (frantically wiping his head clean of mud and small amphibians): Gaack! Ptuh! Blech!

SC 19 EXT. NUHBOO - EDGE OF A GEOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE SWAMP REGION - NEW MOON

A vast army of tinker drones moves out of the swamp (Why ever did they land there in the first place?) and onto the plains, tripping from time to time. OOM-PAH, sitting in his tank, is taking orders (for whatever odd reason) from holograms of Rune and Newt.

RUNE: There is no trace of the Jedi. They probably stowed aboard a landing craft.

OOM-PAH: How can you be sure, sir?

RUNE: How many times do I have to tell you, fool, we have to have a plot!!

OOM-PAH: Oh. Right.

SC 20 EXT. NUHBOO SWAMP -ECLIPSE

Li-Gon runs through the swamp, with lots of animal-like CGI running around him, away from the mechanical-like CGI. Up ahead, there is a major character CGI.

JAB-JAB: Oh mesa guds!

LI-GON: Get down, you stupid piece of CGI!

Li-Gon runs and knocks Jab-Jab down. The robot CGI tank hovers over them.

JAB-JAB: Oh, mooie mooie, mesa love yousa! Mesa called Jab Jab Rinks! Mesa your humble marketing potential!

LI-GON(With an "Oh Force, what next" expression): That won't be necessary.

JAB-JAB: Oyi, mooie mooie! Narf! Poit! Egad!

LI-GON: Are you brainless?

JAB-JAB(nodding cutely): Uh-huh.

LI-GON: You almost got us killed!

JAB-JAB: I spake.

MONTY PYTHON MONK: And Saint Attila spake, saying "O Lord, bless this thy Hand-Grenade, that with it--"

LI-GON: Look, clear off, will you? (to Jab-Jab) The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

Li-Gon smiles slightly as he considers what he just said.

LI-GON: Now get out of here!

JAB-JAB: No! No! Mesa stay! Mesa yos humbule comic relief!

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

JAB-JAB: Oh but it tis! Tis demunded byda guds! Tis a live debbett, tis.

LI-GON (pauses): Say what?

JAB-JAB: Mesa stayin wit yous trought de whole entire moovie!

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

Suddenly the sound of blaster fire is heard from the back right corner of the theater. LI-GON and JAB-JAB turn to see OB-EWAN being chased by some TINKER DRONES riding STAPLERS.

LI-GON: Get down! (pushes Jab-Jab to the ground and destroys the two STAPLERS with his brightsaber.)

LI-GON: What's wrong, Ob-Ewan? Why didn't you use your saber against the STAPLERS?

OB-EWAN: I can't tell you that, Master.

LI-GON: Why not?

OB-EWAN: That scene didn't make the final cut.

JAB-JAB: You saved my again!

OB-EWAN: What's this?

LI-GON: A nonexistant character voiced by Ahmed Best. Let's get out of here!

They move off.

JAB-JAB: Exqueese me!

They keep running, Jab-Jab trying to keep up.

JAB-JAB: HEY YOUSA!

They stop running.

LI-GON(Impatiently) : Yes?

JAB-JAB: I know a safe place yous can go, but I can't take you there. GlubGlub City. Tis a hidden city. I can never go back.

LI-GON: Then why are you telling us about it?

JAB-JAB: So yousa can say funny things to scare mesa.

LI-GON: You hear that?

JAB-JAB: Ya.

LI-GON: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things coming to get medieval on you.

OB-EWAN: If you don't take us to the city, we're not going to wait for those thousand terrible things to get here.

JAB-JAB: Yousa point is...well seen. This way, follow my!


SC 21 EXT-NUHBOO-SWAMP-EDGE OF LAKE -BREAKING DAWN-PART I

The two Jedi and the GlubGlub come to the edge of a lake.

JAB-JAB: Wesa going under water now, okeyday?

JAB-JAB climbs onto a diving board set up at the waters edge. He gives a yell as he gracefully does a double somersault with a half twist and dives into the water. Near the lake, three JUDGES hold up three SIGNS reading 10, 9.5 and 8.

OB-EWAN and LI-GON give each other a look, then pull out their Jedi Breathers.

OB-EWAN: Holy Plot Convenience, JediMan.

LI-GON: Into the water, Boy Padawan.

Breathers on, the Jedi wade in after JAB-JAB.

SC 22 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE - UNDERWATER-BREAKING DAWN-PART II

LI-GON and OB-EWAN swim behind JAB-JAB. And swim. And swim, JAB -JAB never giving a thought as to how the JEDI are able to hold their breath this long, obviously not knowing about the breathers. OB-EWAN and LI-GON's robes are floating up all in all sorts of crazy ways above them, slowing them down with significant drag, allowing JAB-JAB to get way out in front. LI-GON and OB-EWAN use force-speed to burst forward to catch up. OB-EWAN realizes he forgot to clean out his breather from the last time he used it (in the swamp) and he begins to feel sick. They go on like this, JAB-JAB happily swimming along and whistling to himself (yes somehow he can whistle underwater), for about another half hour, OB-EWAN trying to keep down bile, and trying simultaneously not to spit his breather out when up in the distance is GLUB-GLUB CITY, an art-deco city of bubbles. JAB-JAB swims through the membranous wall of an opening and the JEDI follow.

SC 23 INT. GLUBGLUB CITY-SQUARE-LIFE AND DEATH

GLUBGLUBS in the square gawk when the bone-dry JEDI come through the membrane. Four GUARDS armed with taser-poles ride two-legged KABOOMS into the square. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN CARPALS, aim their tasers at the trio.
JAB-JAB: Heysa derer Captain Carpals, Mes back!

CARPALS: Noah Wylie, Jab-Jab. Yousa goin ta da Goblin Kingses. Yousa in a big pile of bantha pudu dis time.

CAPTAIN CARPALS zaps JAB-JAB with 5,000 volts of electricity and he drops to the ground. CARPALS slaps cuffs on JAB-JAB.

JAB-JAB: How wude!

SC 24 INT. GLUB-GLUB CITY-HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM-GOBLIN KING'S JUDGMENT SEAT-MIDNIGHT SUN

BOSS NASTY, THE GOBLIN KING, sits on his judges' throne, surrounded by GLUB-GLUB OFFICIALS.
LI-GON and OB-EWAN stand before him. Off to the side, JAB-JAB sulks, surrounded by GUARDS.

BOSS NASTY: I know who you are, Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Only you don't have a mountain, which makes you nothing, really. You know, there's a price for your head. Just your head, nothing attached.

One of the OFFICIALS leans over and whispers into his ear.

BOSS NASTY: Oops, pardon me. Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackaneeks up dere is you, weesaw.

LI-GON: A droid army is about to attack the NuhBOO. We must warn them.

BOSS NASTY: Weesa don't like the NuhBOO. What have they done for us? We used to be deir slaves. Thosa were bombad days gone past. Theysa tink deir better den us. They have deir lappytops and deir smartiephones and deir sattelitie televisions. Dey think deir brains as big as da Einstein. And Isa don't even know whosa dat is.

OB-EWAN: Once they take control of the surface they will take control of you.

BOSS NASTY: Mesa no tink so. Dey not know of ussen!

Lion King music starts up.

OB-EWAN: You and the NuhBOO form a symbiote circle of life in a hoop that never ends. When you die your bodies become grass, and the NuhBOO eat the grass, or at least their dogs and cats and cattle do. What goes around comes around. Do unto others what you would like to have done unto you and the world will be a better place. Peace love and flowers man.

BOSS NASTY: Enough of your philisophical mumbo jumbo. Wesa going to speed yous away.

LI-GON(Waving his hand): We could use a transport.

BOSS NASTY: Wesa give yousa una Timbrel. The fastest way to get to da NuhBOO is going tru da planet's sore. Now, go!

LI-GON: Thank you for your time, we leave in peace (bows).

They start to leave and pass JAB-JAB, who beckons to them.

JAB-JAB: Desa settin yousa up. Goin through the planet's sore is disgusting and smelly and dangerous...sa. Any help here would be hot.

OB-EWAN: Master, we're short on time.

LI-GON: What is to become of Jab-Jab Rinks here?

BOSS NASTY: Hesa to be sliced up and fed to the fishies for breaking the nocombackie rule, but so as not to upset the little kids in the audience, wesa say hesa to be...pyunished.

LI-GON: I saved his life. He owes me what you call a life debit. Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.

BOSS NASTY: Rinksss, yous housa havsa nafsa lifey playee with dissen hissen nissen?

JAB-JAB(nods): Uh, huh.

BOSS NASTY: Begone wit him! Good riddance....sa!

JAB-JAB is released and as the three start to walk away, OB-EWAN looks at LIGON.

OB-EWAN: Master, what's a timbrel?

LI-GON: A small hand-drum. Hopefully, they are using the name to mean some type of submarine. Let's go.

JAB-JAB: Count me outta dis one. Better dead here than deader in da sore. Oy! What mesa sayin!

SC 25 EXT. GLUBGLUB CITY - UNDERWATER -SUB-FUTURE

A circular hoop with a head of parchment stretched over it and bells and jangles fixed at intervals around it bursts out of the membrane of the Glubglub City hangar bay, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.

SC 26 INT. TIMBREL COCKPIT-UNDERWATER

OB-EWAN is in the co-pilot seat, JAB-JAB guides the craft.

JAB-JAB: Dis is nutsen!

OB-EWAN passes him a package of complimentary peanuts.  Oh, want one?

Whack

Li-Gon thwacks his paddleone upside his head.

OB-EWAN: Master, why do we keep dragging these pathetic lifeforms along with us?...Here, take over.

Whack

LI-GON: He's a humanoid, with intelligence, just like you. He's not a pathetic lifeform.

JAB-JAB: Hey, where wesa goin?

OB-EWAN (nastily): Why don't you tell us? You're the navigator.

Whack

LI-GON: The Force will guide us.

JAB-JAB: Ooo maxi big da force!

VOICE OF DARTH VADER: You bet your sweet earflaps it is!

JAB-JAB: Wassa dat?

LI-GON: Some heavy-handed forshadowing.

JAB-JAB: Well dat smells stinkowiff!

Whack

LI-GON: Don't strike our navigator. My apologies, Jab-Jab.

OB-EWAN: Some navigator! He got us lost!

Whack

OB-EWAN grumbles.

Whack

LI-GON: Don't grumble. I don't like grumblers.

OB-EWAN (Sighs): So why were you banished Jab-Jab?

JAB-JAB: Mm. because I'm....clumsy. I boomed the gasser, then I crashed into the Goblin King's hay-blibber. Long story short.

OB-EWAN: Run that by me again? You were banished for what?

JAB-JAB: Booming the gasser and crashing into the King's hay-blibber.

OB-EWAN: Oh, never mind.

As the sub sloshes its way through the sore, a large fish starts to follow them.

Suddenly there is a loud CRASH, and the little drum lurches to one side, jangling and ringing its bells fiercely. LI-GON looks around and sees a huge, luminous OPERA ANGLERFISH has hooked them with its long gooey tongue.

LI-GON: Damn the fishies! Full speed ahead!

Instead of full ahead, JAB-JAB turns the craft upside down and reverses it, then the sub flies into the mouth of the creature. OB-EWAN then angrily wrests the controls from JAB-JAB and the TIMBREL is released, and turned right-side up.

JAB-JAB: Wesa free!

OB-EWAN: No thanks to you!

Whack

As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws munching on the OPERA ANGLERFISH. The jaws belong to the incredible SANDY LEVIATHAN. The lights on the TIMBREL begin to flicker on and off in Morse code and the Bells and jangles start playing Jingle Bells as they sludge deper and deeper into the SORE.

LI-GON: You know I could think of a pretty brilliant one-liner to use here but...nah, forget it.

SC 27 INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP –BRIDGE

NEWT and RUIN stand before a hologram of DARTH CHIN.

NEWT: The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.

CHIN: That’s good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. They will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.

Suddenly there is a shrill ring. CHIN takes out his cell phone.

CHIN (into phone): Yes, Lord Bludgeon, I’m a tad busy talking to my hapeless dupes right now. (Pause) Really? Well that’s interesting. (Laughs) Well doesn’t that beat all? Well I have to go, I have pressing business. (Pause) Yes, you too. (Pause) Ok. Bye.

Hangs up, puts phone away.

CHIN (cont’d): That was…an underling. Continue with your report.

NEWT: The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.

CHIN: Queen Imadoll is –

Cell phone rings again. Chin answers it.

CHIN (into phone): Yes, Cameo Valium, uh, I believe the Ambassadors you sent have just about completed their mission. I’ll give you a full report tomorrow. Bye!

He hangs up and puts the phone away. NEWT and RUIN give each other quizzical looks.

CHIN (Cont’d): -young and naïve. You will find-

Cell phone rings again. Chin angrily answers.

CHIN: WHAT DO YOU WANT LORD BLUDGEON?! ….. Oh…..Ooohhh..sorry about that. Yes I’ll take care of that as soon as possible….. Yes I will do that too. Ok. Bye.

He hangs up, puts phone in robe.

CHIN (Con’t): - controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well.

NEWT: Uh…thank you, My Lord.

DARTH CHIN fades away.

RUIN: You didn’t tell him about the missing Jedi.

NEWT: What are you, nuts? Let’s wait til we have something to report.

SC 32 EXT.NUHBOO-TWEED-CASERTA PALACE-DAY

The waterfalls of Tweed sparkle in the noonday sun.

SC 33 INT.NUHBOO-CASERTA PALACE-THRONE ROOM-DAY

QUEEN AMIDALLA SOME BABBLER, and FIVE OF HER HANDMAIDENS, SLEEPY, PATME (AHA!), DOPEY, SNEEZY AND DOC, are surrounded by TWENTY TINKER DRONES. CAPTAIN KIRK and FOUR NUHBOO GUARDS are also held at gunpoint. NEWT and RUIN stand in the middle of the room.

BABBLER:...how will you explain this invasion of yours to the Senate?

NEWT:The NuhBOO and I will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I’m assured it will be ratified in the Senate.

AMIDALLA: I will not co-operate.

NEWT: Now, now, your highness..why do you think I said FORGE a treaty? Commander.

OOM-PAH:Yes, Sir!

NEWT: (Attempting to sound sinister): Process them.

OOM-PAH: (Turns to his Sergeant) Take them to Camp 4.

TINKER DRONE: Roger roger, roger.

The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.

SC 34 EXT. NUHBOO-TWEED- CASERTA PALACE-DAY

As AMIDALA, PATME and the other FOUR HANDMAIDENS, KIRK, and SOME BABBLER are led away, LI-GON, OB-EWAN and JAB-JAB see them from a WALKWAY above the PLAZA.

LI-GON and OB-EWAN leap down and open a can of whoopa** on the TINKER DRONES.

JAB-JAB: Mesa just hangs from the side and be of no help to yousa.

OB-EWAN impresses the ladies with his excessively flashy fighting moves. After the DRONES are dispatched, OB-EWAN lights a cigarette and asks Governor Babbler if he has any smack.

JAB-JAB: Yousa Jedi Bombad!

LI-GON: We should leave the streets, your highness.

They move between two buildings.

LI-GON: Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme Cameo.

BABBLER (nastily): Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.

LI-GON: (Sings to the tune of Don McLean's 'American Pie') Their response, it didn’t thrill us. They locked the doors and tried to kill us. Your Highness, we must make contact with the Republic.

KIRK: (Steps forward) They’ve knocked out........all our......communications.

LI-GON: Where do you keep your transports?

KIRK: In the main.....hangar.....where.....do you keep your transports?

They disappear down an alleyway as the ALARMS are sounded.

SC 36 INT CENTRAL HANGAR-NUHBOO-DAY

The door opens to the main hangar.  OB-EWAN, JAB-JAB, CAPTAIN KIRK, two GUARDS, and TWO HANDMAIDENS, DOPEY and SNEEZY, followed by QUEEN ARMERILLO, head for a sleek, chrome spacecraft that looks suspiciously like an SR-71 Blackbird.  SOME BABBLER and THREE HANDMAIDENS, BASHFUL, OVERLY SHY, AND PRUDISH, stay behind with LI-GON.  The HANDMAIDENS begin to cry as SOME BABBLER watches them approach the ship.

DOPEY: C'mon, Patme, we can't have this movie without you!

ANOTHER HANDMAIDEN, PATME, comes dashing into the hangar.

PATME: I was in the hangar's bathroom.  Even handmaidens gotta go sometimes.  I'm coming, already.

KIRK: We need...to free...those pilots.

OB-EWAN: I'll take care of that.

KIRK: Who will get...the others...to their ship?

OB-EWAN: (Sighs) I'll take care of that first.

OB-EWAN leads the group to the SHIP.

GUARD DROID: Where are you going?

OB-EWAN: (Flashes card before DROID'S eyes) I am the chief inspector in charge of inspections for the office of..inspectors, ambassador of..ambassadorship and I am taking these people to Corrupomp.

GUARD DROID: Where...are you taking them?

OB-EWAN: To Corkychant,

GUARD DROID: Wait, uh...that doesn't compute...uh (points at OB-EWAN) You're under arrest!

OB-EWAN: The hell I am!

OB-EWAN ignites his brightsabre and SLICES the GUARD DROID in HALF. The OTHER TINKER DRONES OPEN FIRE and OB-EWAN deftly blocks all their blaster bolts back at them, while SPINNING, FLIPPING, TWISING, and GENERALLY OPENING UP A CAN OF WHOOPA** on every DROID in the HANGAR.

PATME: Damn, this boy can FIGHT!

When ALL the TINKER DRONES are dispatched, OB-EWAN lights a cigarrette.

OB-EWAN: Ok, Li-Gon, you big coward!  The hangar's all clear!

They all board the SHIP and it takes off.

SC 40 INT QUEEN'S SHIP-DROID HOLD-SPACE

JAB-JAB is led into a low, cramped doorway by OB-EWAN.

OB-EWAN: Ok, this is only place in the ship where we don't have to see your face or hear your incessant blather, and where you can't cause any damage, so stay here.

JAB-JAB: Okeday.

OB-EWAN closes the door.

JAB-JAB looks around and sees a long row of short dome-topped ASTRO-POP DROIDS (R2 UNITS).  The all look alike, save for their colors.  JAB-JAB touches the TOP of one and the DROID EXPLODES.

JAB-JAB: Ooops.  Wonten be tryin dat again.

SC 42 INT QUEEN'S STARSHIP-COCKPIT

OILY: Our shield generator's been hit.

Whack

LI-GON: Tell me something I don't know.

SC 50 INT NUHBOO SPACECRAFT QUEEN'S CHAMBERS



LI-GON, OB-EWAN, CAPTAIN KIRK and the LITTLE BLUE DROID WHO COULD stand before QUEEN ARMOIRE and her three HANDMAIDENS, PATME, DOPEY and DOC.



CAPTAIN KIRK: An extremely.....well put together......little droid. Without.....a doubt.....it saved the ship......as well as our.....lives.



BLUE DROID: Blip bloop. (Translation: Damn straight!)



AMILOLLIPOP: It is to be commended...what is its number?



BLUE DROID: R2-D2.



KIRK: (Looks at a number on the front of the DROID) R2-D2, your Highness.



R2: I just told you that, fool! Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!



AMIDULLER: Patme.



PATME bows before the queen.



AMIDOLLAR: Clean this droid up.



PATME: What? I'm the fr*****' Queen and you're making me clean the droid up? You do it, you're my damn handmaid!



AMANDALLA: Sh! No one's supposed to know that 'til the end of the movie!



PATME: Yeah, just keep on giving me all these menial tasks to do and see just how long you stay my handmaiden!



AMIDROLLA: Continue, Captain.



KIRK looks at OB-EWAN and QUI-GON nervously.



LI-GON: With your permission, we're landing on Patootie.



KIRK: I do not agree with Li-Gon on this.



LI-GON: You must trust my judgment on this, ok?



QUEEN IMADOLL: Patme, do you agree?



PATME: No way in hell am I going to a dirty, filthy, gangsta infested planet like Patootie!



QUEEN IMADOLL: (Grins wickedly) We will go to Patootie, Li-Gon. (Sticks her tongue out at Patme)



PATME: When this is over, you're not just fired, you're dead!

SC 51 INT NUHBOO SPACECRAFT-MAIN AREA



Patme sits, stewing with anger, cleaning R2-D2, muttering about what she'd like to do to Queen Imadoll, when JAB-JAB pops out of an open door.



PATME: Gah! Oh, my God, you frightened me!



JAB-JAB: Mesa called Jab-Jab Rinks. Whosa are yousa?



PATME: I'm Patme. I attend her Highness, until I end her miserable little life when I wring her neck until she suffocates! (Recovers composure) You're a Glub-Glub, aren't you? How did you wind up here with us?



JAB-JAB: My no know. Mesa day started out okeday wit da brisky mornin munchin. Den, gettins scared, and grabbin dat Jedi, and POW, mesa here!



PATME: Can you clean this droid? I want to plot the perfect murder. (Hands him the rag and an oil can) Here, take over. Bye.



JAB-JAB sighs and starts cleaning R2.



SC 52 INT ANBOO (ANBOO?! WHAT THE HELL?!) SPACECRAFT-COCKPIT



OB-EWAN, LI-GON and CAPTAIN KIRK watch over RICK OILY'S shoulder. A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. RICK OILY searches his scopes.



OILY: That's it. Patootie.



Whack



LI-GON: No, this is Coruscant. Idiot, of course this is Patootie!



RICK OILY: There's a settlement...a spaceport, looks like.



Whack



LI-GON: We can see that! Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract attention.





SC 53 EXT PATOOTIE-NUHBOO SPACECRAFT-DAY



The QUEEN'S STARSHIP lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport of MOS EPSON is seen in the distance.



SC 54 EXT NUHBOO SPACECRAFT-MAIN AREA



As OB-EWAN attempts to fix the hyperdrive, he is banging his head to DEATH METAL he is listening to on his brown twisty cord earpiece.



OB-EWAN: The hyperdrive generator is gone, Master. We'll need a new one.



LI-GON: Don't let them send any transmissions. Be wary. I sense the presence of a Sith.



OB-EWAN: WHAT? YOU'RE FEELING A SITH?!



LI-GON angrily yanks the earpiece out of his PADDLEONE'S EAR.



LI-GON: No! I said don't let them send any transmissions and I sense the presence of a Sith.



OB-EWAN: Can I listen to my music now?



LI-GON: Knock yourself out.



SC 55 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY



LI-GON starts his trek across the desert. For some odd reason, taking along JAB-JAB and ARTOO.



LI-GON: It's f*****' Arizona hot out here! Good Gawd, I preferred it back in the Queen's ship!



JAB-JAB: Dis sun doin murder to mesa skin!



LI-GON: Look up, Jab-Jab. There's two suns, not one.



JAB-JAB: (Looks up.) Mesa never learn-ed to count to two.



LI-GON: Never mind, then.



CAPTAIN KIRK: Wait!



LI-GON stops as KIRK and PATME catch up.



KIRK: Her Royal Highness........commands that you take her....handmaiden with you. She's........... curious about the planet.



PATME: The hell I am, I want back in the ship! I'm the Queen for Kriff's sake!



KIRK: She's curious.........about the planet and the.................. Queen demands................ you take her.



PATME: F*** the Queen! She can kiss my a**!



LI-GON: This is not a good idea.



PATME: i couldn't agree with you more!



LI-GON: Stay close to me.



PATME: I'm going to kill that b****!



SC 56 EXT MOS EPSOM-JUNK DEALER PLAZA-DAY



The GROUP passes an IBM and APPLE PARTS STORES, CHOP SHOPS, and various FOOD VENDORS.



VENDOR ONE: Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs here!



VENDOR TWO: Absolutely Nothing! I have Absolutely Nothing to sell! For the best price-it's free! Come get Absolutely Nothing!



VENDOR THREE: Get your ice cold Bud Light!



LI-GON purchases a BUD from the VENDOR. He cracks it open and guzzles it down.



LI-GON: Man that hit the spot!



The GROUP COMES to a BIG SIGN that says:







PLATTO'S JUNK EMPORIUM



OUR SALES ARE HOT! HOT! HOT!





LI-GON: We'll try that one.



JAB-JAB steps in dog****.



JAB-JAB: Oh, crap!



LI-GON: Oh, George, did you REALLY have to go there?



An EAOPIE lets out gas from his backside right in JAB-JAB's face.



JAB-JAB: Pee-yousa!



LI-GON: REALLY, George, REALLY?



INT. PLATTO'S JUNK SHOP-DAY



PLATTO: Good day to you!



LI-GON: i need pats for a J-type something something Nubian.



PLATTO: Ah, yes, Nubian, we have lots of that-a.



Then he speaks a foreign language roughly, which we'll translate into the R-Rated version for you.



PLATTO: Boy, get your smelly a** in here and watch the store! I have some selling to do.



In walks MANAKIN STREETWALKER, a nine year old kid with dishevled blonde hair.



PLATTO: What in the holy hell took you so f****** long? When you use the damn toilet, crap or get off! Damn!



MANAKIN: I was cleang then fan switches like you-



PLATTO: I don't need your f****** exuses! (To Li-Gon) Don't mind my boy. Heneeces to learn some manners. Let me take a thee out back, find what you need.





LI-GON: Jab-Jab, don't touch anything!



Manakin sits on the counter pretending to clean a part, staring at PATME. She is the most beautiful Creature he has ever seen in his life. (Preacherboy thinks so!)





MANAKIN: Are you a Demon?



PATME: What?



MANAKIN: A Demon. I hearn all the deep space pilots talk about them. They live on the Moons Lego and Eggo of the planet Leggo My Eggo, I think. They're the ugliest creatures in the Universe. But there are beautiful ones, too, I hear. I think you are one of the beautiful ones.



PATME: Thanks, I think. You're a funnly little boy. But I'm not a Demon.



MANAKIN: Are you an Angel then?



PATME: That's what Preacherboy says.



MANAKIN: Oh.



PATME: How do you know so much?



MANAKIN: My mom and I are slaves to Platto, and we have been since I think I was 3. We used to belong to Gardulla the Hutt but she lost us betting on podraces.



PATME: You're a slave?



MANAKIN: (Rolls his eyes.) Weren't you paying attention to what I just said? But I like to think of myself as a Human Being, not a slave, and my name is Manakin.



PATME: You know, I don't think a relationship between us would work out at our current ages. Maybe in 20 years it won't matter.



Manakin studies her intensely.



MANAKIN: You are a strange girl to me.



PATME: That line is only in the script, not in the movie.



JAB-JAB activates a PIT DROID, which kicks him hard in the shins and jabs him in the eyes.



MANAKIN: Hit your nose!



JAB-JAB: Okeday!



He socks himself hard in the nose and it bleeds profusely. He passes out from bloodn loss. MANAKIN goes over to the PIT DROID and deactivates it.



MANAKIN: I will marry youn someday. Mark my words.



PATME: What makes you think we will ever see each other again? It's such a bign galaxy, after all.



MANAKIN: You are my destiny, woman. Accept it.



PATME: (Sighs)



SC 57 EXT PATOOTIE- PLATTO'S JUNK SHOP-YARD BEHIND SHOP-DAY



PLATTO: Here it is, a T-14 Hyperdrive. Thee in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one-seeing which, how's a thee going to pay for all this, eh?



LI-GON: Gee, I hadn't thought of that. I have a couple of nickels (waves hand) but ten cents will be fine.



PLATTO: No, it won't!



LI-GON: (Waves hand) Ten cents will do fine.



PLATTO: No, it won't! It f I want to be fanned I'll have my slave boy do it. Mind tricks don't work on Toy Delorians, only money. No money, no parts, no deal. Kapeesh? And no one else has a T-14 Hyperdrive. I promise you that-a!



For another hour, LI-GON keeps waving his hand in front of PLATTO'S face, saying over and over that ten cents will do fine. Eventually, PLATTO walks back to his store.

Meanwhile, MANAKIN and PATME have been in deep conversation, finding out all about each other.

LI-GON comes in behind PLATTO.



LI-GON: I tell you, you have to take my two nickels, it's all I got! The nickels will be fine!



As the nuclear counter reaches zero, JAB JAB, who has managed to knock over every junk display in the STORE. LI-GON uses the Force to disarm the nuclear bomb.



LI-GON: Come on, Jab-Jab, we're leaving.



JAB-JAB follows LI-GON out the door. PATME gives MANAKIN a long, loving look.



PATME: It was nice to have met you, Manakin!



MANAKIN: You never told me your name.



PATME mouths the name 'Patme' to only MANAKIN. We see it. Manakin grins.



MANAKIN: It was nice to have met you too! See you in 20 years!



PLATTO: Outlanders! Think I can make a profit if I sell my best parts for chump change!



MANAKIN: They seemed nice to me. Especially Patme!



PLATTO: Clean the toilets with your only toothbrush, and you can go home.



MANAKIN: Yipee-kai-yoo-kai-yay! Hot damn, I'm gettin' out of this f*****' hellhole!



He runs to the latrine, then runs back to his satchel on the workbench.



MANAKIN: Oops, forgot my toothbrush.

SC 60 EXT. MOS EPSON-MARKETPLACE-DAY



LI-GON, PATME, JAB-JAB and ARTOO move out into the street. They walk behind an UGLY ALIEN with a fat, Bulbous Head, SEBULBOUS. Out of his BACK POCKET sticks a BIG FAT WALLET stuffed with CASH. JAB-JAB, ever the DIRTY ROTTEN SCUMBAG OF A THIEF HE IS, attempts to pick his pocket.



ALIEN VENDOR IN A CHEAP RUBBER MASK: Die Wana Wanga? Trying to steal a poor man's Wupiupi?!



SEBULBOUS looks behind him at JAB-JAB who has managed to sneak his wallet three-quarters of the way out his back pocket into his GRUBBY HAND.



SEBULBOUS spins around and CLOCKS JAB-JAB one, and shoves him to the ground and jumps on top of him, raising a fist.



SEBULBOUS: You little s***! You wanna steal my hard-earned dough? I'm gonna-



MANAKIN: (From out of no-where) Careful, Sebulbous. This one's a big time outlander. I'd hate to see you diced before our next race!



SEBULBOUS: (Getting off JAB-JAB and facing MANAKIN down.) Next time we race, boy, it will be the end of you!



MANAKIN: Yeah, it'd be a pity if you had to pay for me.



LI-GON: Were you following us around you little perverted stalker?



MANAKIN: Yeah. I can't take my eyes off of Patme, and I'm hoping I get a chance to- well anyway, would you mind lifting your outer robe just a little? I have a sneaking suspicion about you.



LI-GON: No can do. Now leave us alone.



MANAKIN: Just leaving.


SC 61 EXT. PATOOTIE-DESERT-SPACESHIP-DAY





OB-EWAN stands outside the SOMETHING SOMETHING NUBIAN as the WIND picks up and whipples his JEDI ROBES around.



KIRK EXITS the SHIP and joins him.



KIRK: Hopefully this sandstorm....will slow....them down.



OB-EWAN: It seems pretty bad, we better seal the ship.



KIRK: You just can't trust anyone, Ob-Ewan. Now I hope you were paying attention...because.....now I'm gonna..(his hand goes to his blaster holster).



Just then, KIRK's COMLINK buzzes. He answers.



KIRK: Kirk here. We'll be...right there.

SC 63 INT. MANAKIN'S HOVEL-MAIN ROOM-DAY



LI-GON, PATME, JAB-JAB and ARTOO enter a small living space.



MANAKIN: Mom, I'm home!



JAB-JAB: (Fluffing a chintz pillow) Ooh, dissen cozy.



SCHMOO: Manakin Leonard Streetwalker! Again you bring people home! You know you should (smiles when she sees Li-Gon) -introduce everyone.



LI-GON: (Taking Schmoo's hand and kissing it) I am Li-Gon Jinn'n Tonic.



SCHMOO: (Looking at Li-Gon with sex in her eyes) Charmed, I'm sure.



LI-GON: This is Patme Naberries. And R2-D2. And that louse lounging about in the corner's Jab-Jab Rinks. I'm starting to think he is a pathetic lifeform, but what do I know? Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.



MANAKIN: I'm building a droid, wanna see? (Grabs PATME's hand) Well c'mon you're going to see it!



PATME: (sighs) Whatever. Let's see your droid.





MANAKIN leads PATME into the other room. ARTOO follows, beeping all the way.

SC 67 INT MANAKIN'S HOVEL-MAIN ROOM-DAY



LI-GON listens to his comlink. OB-EWAN is in the COCKPIT of the QUEEN's SHIP.



OB-EWAN: .....the Queen was upset, practically threw a tantrum, but no reply was made at all.



LI-GON: Somehow they'll get a trace anyway. Why don't you just, you know, let them reply. After all, it won't matter one way or the other, anyway.



OB-EWAN: How do you know?



LI-GON: I read the script, and oh, boy, I get to make mad love to this hot chick Schmoo later. I'm really looking forward to that part.



OB-EWAN: That's not in The Phantom Menace script!



LI-GON: Oh? It's in the original TPM Humorous Version. Either Purp or Darth Vacuous wrote it in. All that went away when Yahoo! Geocities/Times Square went into Internet Limbo Land and the original TPM HV went down the tubes. Thank you, study3600!



study3600: No problem. Although I don't approve of premarital sex and I'm a virgin currently until I get married, I can't tell you guys what to do and what not to do with yourselves. Where would be the humor in that. Besides, you're fictional characters. And I'm the author, and as you know, your lovemaking will be offscreen, implied, not shown, because I refuse to write smut.



LI-GON: Really, you're the greatest.



study3600: Hey, might as well enjoy your one night of wild, passionate lovemaking, because you know what happens near the end of the script................



LI-GON: Yeah, don't remind me.

SC 69 INT. MANAKIN'S HOVEL-DINING AREA-DAY



SCHMOO, LI-GON, MANAKIN, JAB-JAB and PATME are seated around a table eating Pizza Hutt Pizza. The labels on the boxes and bottles are clearly visible.



LI-GON: (Taking a big BITE of his pizza) Mmm..now I know why New Yorkers have such big mouths..It's to cram in all that delicious flavor! (Turns to the camera, smiles) And now, for a limited time you can get a Big New Yorker Deal, 3 Large 5 topping Pizzas and three 2-Litres of Pupsi for just 11.95 + tax!



SHMOO: You said it, Li-Gon! Hurry in before the offer ends. Carry out or Delivery, all major Credit Cards accepted except Captital One. Sorry, Mace Windy. If that's what's in your wallet, Pizza don't take it...Anyways, all slaves have a transmitter inside their bodies. Any attempt to escape and your skin melts off and your eyes melt into your sockets and your tongue dissolves and THEN you die a slow agonizing death over a period of fifty days...It's not pretty, I've seen it happen to a Twi-Lek slave girl friend of mine who used to be our neighbor. In the end her plump breasts shrank to the size of peas....anyone want a third slice?



LI-GON: No thanks, I think i just lost my appetite.



Just then JAB-JAB who has absolutely no TABLE MANNERS AT ALL, snatches an apple out of a bowl in the center of the table with his long tongue.



SCHMOO: But those apples are family heirlooms! They're for decoration! They're not even edible!



JAB-JAB: But boyee is dey sure tasty!



LI-GON: (Practically growling) Don't do that again, Jab-Jab. I'm not going to warn you a second time.



MANAKIN: I'm working on a scanner to try to locate my transmitter. Hey, Mark Hamill was in a movie called Scanners. Maybe I should call him up. He'd know all about it.



SCHMOO: Jake, no (Puts hand over mouth, suddenly) Oops. (Blushes.)



PATME: I can't believe there's still slavery in the galaxy. The Republic's anti-slavery laws-



SCHMOO: The Republic doesn't exist out here. We must struggle to survive on our own. Sometimes, well (winks at LI-GON) I'm forced to...use what I got.



LI-GON: Hubba, Hubba, dinner's not even over, girl!



PATME and MANAKIN exchange a quizzical glance.



MANAKIN: Well, um....anyway, have you ever seen a podrace?



LI--GON: They have podracing on Mal-You-Shouldnt-Stare. Very fast, very dangerous.



MANAKIN: I'm the only human being who can do it.



LI-GON: You must have Jedi reflexes if you race pods.



Just then, JAB JAB attempts to snatch another faux apple with his tongue. In a flash, LI-GON whips out his BRIGHTSABRE and slices his tongue in half.





JAB-JAB: With your shining weapon, you have severed my tongue! Listen to me, I can barely speak, you thoughtless Barbarian!



MANAKIN: You're a Jedi, aren't you?



LI-GON: (Hiding brightsabre behind his back) Uh, whatever makes you think that?



MANAKIN: (rolls eyes) You carry a laser sword. Only a Jedi carries that kind of weapon.



LI-GON: Perhaps, uh (breaking into a cold sweat)..perhaps,,,uh....perhaps I killed a Jedi and took it from him.



MANAKIN: No one without Force Powers, except maybe General Greedy and some Bounty Hunters and Mandalorians, can kill a Jedi.



LI-GON: Maybe I used to be a Jedi.



MANAKIN: I don't think so. Most Jedi who leave the Order, except maybe Ahsoka Bratto, eventually become Sith or Dark Jedi and they make their sabres bleed. You carry a green sabre, which means that you are not only a Jedi but a very powerful one. You know, I had a dream I was a Jedi once. I was in a black Mechanical Suit and I breathed in wheezes and I ruled the galaxy under some old looking Jedi Master. Did you come to free all of us slaves?



LI-GON: It's pretty obvious that there's no fooling you, Manakin. We're on our way to Trantoruscant, the Capital of the Galactic Republic, on a dangerous mission.



MANAKIN: Wow!....BoyGetALoadOfThisBigPlanetwideCityUscant! How did you wind up all the way out here on the Outer Rim?



PATME: Our ship is damaged and we had to land to refuel and repair.



JAB-JAB: Wit no nuttin Mula to trade.



Everyone suddenly stares at JAB-JAB.



LI-GON: That's the first serious thing you've said this whole film!



JAB-JAB: Um, er....I mean, dose fabrochet appples is startin to look mighty tasty again, metinks.



MANAKIN: Anyway, I can help! I can fix anything!



PATME: (Nibbling on a fifth slice of pepperoni and mushroom and green pepper and onion pizza) These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.



SCHMOO: (After guzzling down half a bottle of Mountain Spew and taking a big bite of her EIGHTH SLICE of PIZZA) Gambling. Everything here revolves around betting on those awful podraces.



JAB-JAB grabs two more faux apples and stuffs them into his big mouth with his amphibious-like hand.



LI-GON: Jab-Jab, I swear to God, if you don't f*****' cut that s*** out you're going to wish to God that you had been pyunished by your Glub-Glub bosses!



JAB-JAB: (Gulps apples down) Sorry.



LI-GON: (Thoughtfully) Podracing...greed can be a powerful ally.



YOGA: We can't trust Platto, but trust his greed we can.



LI-GON: Master, Yoga, that line doesn't come til the Clown Wars Humorous Version!



YOGA: Fine. Rehash your line from TPM about greed I will when that scene comes in the Clown Wars. Fair trade?



LI-GON: I'll be dead by then existing only as a Force Ghost anyway. Knock yourself out, Master.



YOGA: Yippee!



MANAKIN: What was that all about.



LI-GON: More foreshadowing. Let's can it before George Lucas yells cut and we have to sit on these chairs for seventy two more hours re-acting this scene. I'm starting to get bedsores already as it is.



SCHMOO: This has been a very long scene. I do wish there was another way to covey this information instead of the long-a** seven minute pointer scene. I've been eating the same pizza for 72-hours straight! One can only hold down so much pizza before one starts to puke!


GL: Cut!


SC 69 -TAKE TWO





SC 69 INT MANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY







LI-GON, MANAKIN, SCHMOO, JAB JAB, and PATME are seated around a makeshift table, having dinner as the wind howls outside.





JAB JAB slurps his soup rather loudly. Everyone looks at him. He turns a

little brighter red.







SCHMOO: All slaves have transmitters placed inside their bodies somewhere.





MANAKIN: I've been working on a scanner to try and locate them, but no

luck.



SCHMOO: Any attempt to escape...





MANAKIN: ...and they blow you up...poof!







PATME and JAB JAB are horrified.







JAB JAB: How wude.





PATME : I can't believe there is still slavery in the galaxy. The



Republic's anti-slavery laws...





SCHMOO : The Republic doesn't exist out here...we must survive on our own.







An awkward silence. MANAKIN attempts to end the embarrassment.







MANAKIN: Have you ever seen a Podrace?







PATME shakes her head no. She notices the concern of SCHMOO. JAB JAB snatches



some food from a bowl at the other end of the table with his tongue.



LI-GON gives him a dirty look.







LI-GON: They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.





MANAKIN: I'm the only human who can do it.







SCHMOO looks askance at her son.







MANAKIN: (Cont'd) Mom, what? I'm not bragging. It's true. Platto says he's



never heard of a human doing it.





LI-GON: You must have Jedi reflexes if you race Pods.







MANAKIN smiles. JAB JAB attempts to snare another bit of food from the bowl



with his tongue, but LI-GON, in a flash, grabs it between his thumb and



forefinger. JAB JAB is startled.







LI-GON: (Cont'd) Don't do that again.







JAB JAB tries to acknowledge with some silly mumbling. LI-GON lets go of



the tongue, and it snaps back into JAB JAB's mouth.







MANAKIN: I...I was wondering...something...





LI-GON: What?





MANAKIN: Well, ahhh...you're a Jedi Knight, aren't you?





LI-GON: What makes you think that?





MANAKIN: I saw your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.







LI-GON leans back and slowly smiles.







LI-GON: Perhaps I killed a Jedi and stole it from him.





MANAKIN: I don't think so... No one can kill a Jedi Knight.





LI-GON: I wish that were so...





MANAKIN: I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the



slaves...have you come to free us?





LI-GON: No, I'm afraid not...





MANAKIN: I think you have...why else would you be here?







LI-GON thinks for a moment.







LI-GON: I can see there's no fooling you...(leans forward) You mustn't



let anyone know about us...we're on our way to Coruscant, the central



system in the Republic, on a very important mission, and it must be kept



secret.





MANAKIN: Coruscant...wow...how did you end up here in the outer rim?





PATME: Our ship was damaged, and we're stranded here until we can repair



it.





MANAKIN: I can help! I can fix anything!





LI-GON: I believe you can, but our first job is to aquire the parts we



need...





JAB JAB: Wit no-nutten mula to trade.





PATME: These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.





SCHMOO: Gambling. Everything here revolves around betting on those awful



races.





LI-GON: Podracing... Greed can be a powerful ally.. if it's used



properly.





MANAKIN: I've built a racer! It's the fastest ever...There's a big race



tomorrow, on Boonta Eve. You could enter my pod. It's all but finished...





SCHMOO: Anakin, settle down. Watto won't let you...





MANAKIN: Platto doesn't know I've built it. (to Qui-Gon) You could make him



think it's your's, and you could get him to let me pilot it for you.







LI-GON looks to SCHMOO. She is upset.







SCHMOO: I don't want you to race, Mannie...It's awful. I die every time Platto



makes you do it.







MANAKIN: But Mom, I love it...and they need help...they're in trouble. The



prize money would more than pay for the parts they need. JAR JAR : Wesa ina



pitty bad goo.





LI-GON: Your mother's right. Is there anyone friendly to the Republic who



might be able to help us?







SCHMOO shakes her head no.







MANAKIN: We have to help them, Mom...you said that the biggest problem in



the universe is no one helps each other...





SHCMOO: Manakin, don't...







JAB JAB belches. There is silence for a moment as they eat.







PATME: I'm sure Qui-Gon doesn't want to put your son in danger. We will



find another way...





SHCMOO: No, Mannie's right, there is no other way... I may not like it, but



he can help you...he was meant to help you.





MANAKIN: Is that a yes? That is a yes!







The storm continues to rage outside the slave hovel.







LIAM NEESON and the others get up, rubbing their backsides.



NATALIE PORTMAN: My a** is going to be sore for weeks! I thought George was going to make us eat more pizza! Id've puked all over the table!



JAR-JAR: My tongue! It grew back! Praise ye Guds!



JAKE LLOYD: I liked eating all that pizza! I want more! George, can we have more?



PERNILLA AUGUST: I have so many bedsores. I won't be able to sit down on a chair for months!



















GL: That's much better. And, next scene.