Rouge One: A Star Wart-Removal Story

Opens on a shot of a planet which pans up to a view of planetary rings with a small ship flying through them.  Switches to a shot of the planet LIMA BEAN SOUP THE PLANET NOT THE KABLINGOAN, a planet SO GREEN it's GREENNESS IS TOO GREEN to be NATURAL and the ship flying through the rings.  A shot of the planet closer up with the ship flying towards the surface. The ship flies down across a farm and passes by a white worker droid, who watches the ship.
 
WORKER DROID (To another droid.): Imperials. Oh, s***! There goes the planet!

Cuts to a young Jeannie Ergo running across the rocky plain with the ship following behind her.

INT ERGO HOMESTEAD (Inside the Ergo Homestead)

YOUNG JEANNIE ERGO: I'm hongry Mama. Wanna watch cartoons! Now! Gimme snack!

LYRICAL ERGO: No, Jeannie! The Imperials are a comin! Gatha ya things, it'sa time, tis! They already tuk all ya brudda's an sisters and fuced em inta slaveahry! Dey ain't takin' you, ma daughta. Go hide while I contact Jigsaw Gerrarah!


SC 02 EXT LIMA BEAN SOUP THE TOO GREEN PLANET-PLAIN-DAY

The ship lands near the Ergo Homestead, where the deer and the antelope play, and skies are not cloudy all day. where there is seldom heard the cry of-


GARETH EDWARDS: Okaaay, study, we get the picture already! Next scene, please!

SC 04 EXT LIMA BEAN SOUP THE PLANET- ERGO HOMESTEAD (Outside the home)

LYRICAL ERGO:  Jeannie, honey-boo-boo, you know where ta go, dontcha? Trust the Force.

Lyrical takes off a pendant and hands it over to her daughter, fastening it around her neck.

In front of the Ergo homestead stands Direcktor Orwell Kremlin flanked by Deadtroopers. Marvin confronts Kremlin.

DIREKTOR ORWELL KREMLIN: You're a hard man to find, Marvin. But farming? Really, a man of your talents?

MARVIN: (Smiles wickedly) Commence primary ignition. Standby.

Suddenly TWO HUGE DEATH RAYS fire on KREMLIN and the DEADTROOPER'S position. They are seemingly blasted to smithereens but turn out only to be holographic projections of themselves.

VOICE OF KREMLIN: Just as I thought, Marvin. Bravo. Give it up. We have you surrounded and your planet blockaded.


MARVIN: I call your bluff. My Droids are all trained munitions experts. When I say the word every position you could be hiding and transmitting your voice from will blown to stardust. And I have more Death Rays trained on each one of your Imperial ships. Leave my planet.


VOICE OF KREMLIN: Now I call your bluff. I've been calling peoples' bluffs since before you were in diapers. Give it up. I have more than enough deadtroopers to flush you down the crapper.

MARVIN: (Sighs) It's a rather lonely life since Lyrical died. Programming assassin droids and killer drones and fine tuning death ray guidance systems has become a pasttime for me. Get off my planet or you and all your deadtroops are dead. And that's not a bluff.

VOICE OF KREMLIN: (As five deadtroopers march Lyrical out of their homestead. How discouraging. That seldom happens.) Funny how a "dead wife" can suddenly turn up alive even while her husband is busy lamenting her death, isn't it, Marvin? Where were your trained assassin droids and drones to stop my troops from finding her as we were busy monologueing to each other?