A New Hope Humorous Version (Complete)

WARNING: Star Wars Saga Spoilers

All credit for anything not my own in these scripts goes to their authors. Any change or alteration made to any original material from other authors made for editorial purposes or for continuity or in keeping with the rules of theforce.net.



Title: Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope: Humorous Version

Subtitle: No Hope



Author: The Jedi Council. First author: study3600. All other Authors: Nanai

Scruff

Purp

Zorba the Hutt's wife

Nanai Akira

maulman

anfpt315

GENERAL RIKKAN

Darth Vacuous

Lwyn'nya Kenobi

Mr.K

Barbara Fett



Rating: PG-13 for violence, language, sex humor and mature themes, and possible drug references.



Characters: Marcus Streetwalker, Darth Vacuous, Hands Off, Princess Lee Smits, Chunkalunk the Cookie, Been-There McNobi, See-Stinky-O, R2-D2, Tarpin, Wedge, Bic Lighter



Genre: Fantasy/humour.



Timeline: 0 Y BBY.



Length: A typical Hollywood shooting script.



Summary: A farmboy on a backwater planet on the edge of the galaxy is called to adventure when he meets two one of a kind Droids, a Mercenary Smuggler and his Cookie companion, a crazy old space wizard, and an attractive princess that he's going to wish he never fell in love with....



Notes: This is a closed thread, meaning only I can add to the story, however it is open for comments.

A SPEAKVACANDPURPPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION

A time and a place far away....



SC 01 EXT SPACE



A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for a TITLE ROLL, which crawls into infinity....




THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS



EPISODE IV:



NO HOPE



From The Adventures of Marcus Streetwalker, Journal of the Whon'ts.



It is a period of civil war (1860s).

Rebellious spaceships, striking from a hidden base, hidden on some planet, have won their first victory over the evil GALACTIC IMPERIUM.



During the battle, REBELLIOUS SPIES (led by JONATHAN POLLARD)managed to steal secret plans to the IMPERIUM'S ultimate weapon, THE DEADLY STAR, an armored space station (based on the schematics for MIR), with enough power to destroy an entire planet, FINALLY after destroying cities like JEDHA, a city on SCARIF, etc. (This superweapon idea will later be re-hashed time and time again, the latest being TFA's Starkiller Base.)

Pusued by the Imperium's sinister agents (RANDOM TASK and NUMBER TWO), Princess Lee races home aboard her starship custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people (who will later all be wiped out when Alderaan is destroyed) and restore freedom to the galaxy....



WALLACE: FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!



The awesome yellow planet of Patootie emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons at a party making out with her two suns. A tiny silver spacecraft, a REPUBLI- er, REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space, against GASCANO. It is pursued by giant IMPERIOUS STAR-WHACKER. Hundreds of perfectly gentle laserbolts streak fom the whacker, causing the main solar fin of the Rebellious craft to disintegrate. Now it's time for an alternative energy source.



SC 02 INT-REBELLIOUS BLOCKADE RUNNER TAINTED IV



Two droids, one resembling a trash-can with wheels, the other vaguely resembling a male Dot Matrix from "Spaceballs," struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. A blast shakes them.







SEE-STINKY-O: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor!







Whack







STINKY-O: Okay, maybe I shouldn't state the obvious, but we'll be destroyed for sure! This is madness!







R2-D2(name miraculously not changed throughout series): Blip Blooda Blop Flam Fiddle.







STINKY-O: There'll be no escape for the princess this time.







R2-D2: Blot!







STINKY-O: Plot? What plot? What are you talking about, R2? There is no secret plot!







Artoo continues making bleeping sounds. Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment is heard moving around the outside hull of the ship.







STINKY-O: What's that?





SC 03 INT-REBELLIOUS BLOCKADE RUNNER TAINTED IV



Cue ominous music...



Grim faced rebel soldiers carrying large blaster rifles race to a hallway to make their stand against the Evil Empire.



Close-up of various soldiers as they react to noises as their ship is being boarded.



All soldiers crouch facing the end of the hall, taking advantage of what little cover they can.



Suddenly, with a loud hiss and a flash of light, the door explodes BEHIND the rebels. STOMPTROOPERS enter, blaster rifles blazing. The pitiful, misguided rebels do not have a chance!



Soon, bodies of rebels litter the floor. The STOMPTROOPERS move to the side as...



DARTH VACUOUS enters, banging his helmet on the top of the door frame.



DARTH VACUOUS is in all black leather armour. Embossed on his chest is a large "D" and he wears a black cape. His helmet, designed to stike fear into the heart of all who see him, has a faceplate with a smile that is almost a grimmace (think Jack Napier's Joker from Batman).

SC 04 EXT. SPACECRAFT IN SPACE



The Imperial craft has easily overtaken the Rebel Blockade Runner. The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the-



GL: WAIT ONE GEE-DARN MINUTE HERE! The ship's already been BOARDED!



study3600: Well, I needed to introduce the robots and I figured-



GL: Excuses, excuses! Now, I do beleive Princess Lee is putting a message into Artoo at this moment, so...



SC 05 INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER



A woman's hand puts a floppy disk into an opening in Artoo's dome.



STINKY-O stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered (his name had been C-THRUME earlier but he had had it changed through court). Artoo is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebellious soldiers can be heard in the distance.



STINKY-O (to himself): At least it's not me. (shouting): Artoo! Where are you?



Artoo comes to him obediently.



STINKY-O: Where have you been?! I'm about ready to blow a gasket worrying over your metal a**! Anyways, listen: They're headed in this di-rection! If they find us, they will crush us, burn us, grind us into tiny pieces, and blast us into oblivion!



Suddenly, Artoo takes off down the cooridor.



STINKY-O: That's just like you! You disappear, and when I finally find you, you go taking off again! Damn you!

SC 06 INT. REBELLIOUS BLOCKADE RUNNER- COORIDOR



The semi evil Darth Vacuous stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of the hopeless Rebel shmucks. He grabs a wounded Rebellious officer by the neck (with his hand?) as an Imperious officer rushes up to the Insufficiant light Lord. (sorry, Mott Kadams- I couldn't resist.)



OFFICER: The Deadly Star plans are not in the main computer.



VACUOUS: Why the hell WOULD they be? These Rebel types aren't stupid.



WOUNDED REBEL: Why, thanks.



VACUOUS: That WASN'T in your defense! Dammit, officer! NEVER let me say something like that again!



OFFICER: If you do, I'll whack you.



VACUOUS: Something like that, I suppose.



Whack



VACUOUS: That's NOT what I meant. Go away! (To Captain Antilles): Where are those transmissions you intercepted?



Vacuous lifts the rebel off his feet by his throat.



VACUOUS: What have you done with those plans?



ANTILLES: Which question do you want me to answer first?



VACUOUS: **** you, Rebel Scum! Where are the G****** plans?



REBEL: We intercepted no transmissions! Aaah....This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission!



VACUOUS: If this is a consular ship, then where are the ambassadors?



IMPERIOUS COMMANDER: Ve Shvot sem.



VACUOUS: What?! All this work to find out who the leader was and you SHOT him?



COMMANDER: Well, you ordered me to.. and Ah...you...then...well...



VACUOUS: YOU IMBECILE!



COMMANDER: I...you...ah...Heil Hitler!



He runs out.



VACUOUS realizes that the man whose neck is in his grip is already dead and lets him slump to the floor.



VACUOUS: Commander!



He sheepishly comes back in.



VACUOUS: Tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers; I WANT THEM ALIVE!





SC 07 INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER



Princess Lee, shackeled and clothing in tatters, is brought before the Semi-Evil Not-so-Dark Lord.



DARTH VACUOUS: Commander, what happened to her clothes?



COMMANDER: Um, well... (looking shiftily around) Apparently, there was a misunderstanding when your orders were relayed, sir. The troops tried to tear the prisoner apart bit by bit.



PRINCESS LEE: Darth Vacuous...Only you could be so semi-evil. The congress, um, senate, will not sit still for this...



Whack



DARTH VACUOUS: You weren't on any run to Taco Bell this time! You are part of the Rebel Dance Troop and a traitor! Take her away!



Troops start to take Princess one way down the hall, find it's a dead end and take her back the other way. Last STOMPTROOPER slips on body of rebel and falls.



COMMANDER: (in bad lip-synch) Holding her is dangerous...



DARTH VACUOUS: The senate does not concern me.



COMMANDER: No, it's just that in addition to being the All-Drained modern dance champion, Princess Lee is also related to the legendary warrior Bloose Lee. I don't know if it is safe for anyone to hold her.



DARTH VACUOUS: Leave that to me.

SC 08 PATOOTIE-POWER STATION-DAY



One man is watching two younger guys playing Pac Man. A young couple are making out on a desk.



MARCUS STREETWALKER: Hey, shape it up you guys!



BIC LIGHTER: Hey kid!



STREETWALKER: Bic, when did you get here? Hey everyone, there's a big space battle going on outside.



Everyone stares at him stupidly.



WHACK



BIC: Don't worry about it kid. This scene is gonna be cut from film anyway.



SC 09 INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER-HALL



Another Imperious Officer rushes up to DARTH VACUOUS.



SECOND OFFICER: Lord Vacuous, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life-forms were aboard.



Vacuous turns to his commander, but no scene showing the droids getting into the pod was featured.

Imagine Stinky-O reluctantly getting in at the persistance of R2.



VACUOUS: She must have hidden the plans in the escape-pod, but no life forms are aboard. Send a detachment down to

retrieve it, but no-



GL: Cut it out, will you?



VACUOUS: There will be no one to stop us this-time! But no-



Whack



VACUOUS: Sorry.

SC 10 EXT. PATOOTIE - DESERT-DAY



The abandoned escape pod lies in the distance. The two droids, Stinky-O and Artoo Detour (HA! I changed his name!) are walking through the sand.



STINKY-O: What a desolate place this is.



DETOUR: Fleeble deeble deep.



STINKY-O: What makes you think there are settlements in that direction?



DETOUR: Wacka wooka choo.



STINKY-O: What do you mean we've been here before?



DETOUR: Flickle male privatesle do.



STINKY-O: I've had just about enough of your continuity issues.



Whack



STINKY-O: (cont'd) Go that way. You'll be captured by short aliens within a day, you stupid piece of American-made crap.





SC 11 EXT-PATOOTIE-DAY



STINKY-O walks and walks endlessly. He seems to keep passing the same cactus every hour or so. In fact, the same krayt dragon can be seen roaring in the distance every hour or so, too, as well as the SAME giant skeletal ribcage. STINKY-O heads sideways from his current position so as to change his surroundings. It turns out that he is trapped in an endless sphere that he has no hope of escaping.





He wakes up. It is a cold desert night; he had been sleeping under a rock protrusion.



STINKY-O: Yaaawn. Oh, my joints are almost frozen.



A band of MONKS comes up to him, chanting:



Yom Yee Yamee

Yom Yee Yamee

Yum Ya De De Yumm

Yum Ya De De Yumm



They carry STINKY-O off to a great temple, where he is strapped to a table. On another table, R2-Detour can be seen.



R2: Whippa Woppa Doodle Doo!



STINKY-O: R2! Thank goodness you're here!



JAVA#1: Zooka Lom Looma Chee-Chaw Dis-Dosh Oota Moota Pookie



STINKY-O: He said we was goin' ta be sacrificed to the Mighty Metal God!



A giant metal monster looms before the two droids, like a metal monster looming above droids.



SUDDENLY



VOICE: WAIT! WAIT! I need some droids bad! Uncle O-Wan need's 'em! If I don't get him some droids fast, my a** is IN for it!



JAVA#1: Hooten Tooten Nottin Choo Cho Beeka Deeka Neeka Peeka Sheeka!



The metal monster goes back inside it's cage.



Enter MARCUS STREETWALKER.



MARCUS: Thanks. Okay, you two. I'm your new master now. Come along.

SC 12 EXT.-PATOOTIE-DESERT-DAY



Four IMPERIOUS STOMPTROOPERS mill about in front of the half-buried life-pod that brought Artoo and Stinky-O to Patootie.



TROOP#1: It is particularly obvious that some being of some nature was in this escape-pod at some time. As you can see, the tracks that he, she, or it left behind go off in this direction.



A second trooper picks up a small bit of metal and holds it up in the air for all to see.



TROOP#2: Excuse me, but I have studied washers, the various makes of washers, and the uses thereof, and I have determined that this one obviously belongs to a droid of some kind.



SC 13 EXT. PATOOTIE-LARKS HOMESTEAD-DAY



UNCLE O-WAN: Bout time you brought home some droids to help out around here. Go on to the garage and clean 'em up before supper.



MARCUS: But I wanted to go pick up some Taco Bell game medallions.



Whack



O-WAN: As long as you're living in my hole in the ground, you'll do as I say. Besides, the tacos will spoil your appetite.



STREETWALKER: I'm not sure if these droids are gonna work out, but even if they don't I wanna submit my application to the academy this year.



O-WAN: You mean before the harvest? You know how hard it is to harvest the buckets of moisture out there.



STREETWALKER: I know. I'm too stupid to be accepted into the academy anyway, but I was hoping I could whine my way in.



O-WAN: I don't think so.



STREETWALKER: Well fine then, be that way. I'm gonna take a look at those droids. I'll be back for supper a******!



SC 14 INT PATOOTIE-STORAGE ROOM-DAY



STREETWALKER: Awwww, it's just not fair. Bic is right. I'm never gonna get out of this place.



R2: Beep babble whoop whooop ddzzwwonk



STREETWALKER: You gotta lotta crap stuck in here real good. What have you guys been doing? (Streetwalker fall backwards as the crap comes flying loose and a holographic picture appears: PRINCESS LEE)



PRINCESS LEE: Help me Ob-Ewan McNobi. I've tried charter but I can't get help there so I need to get help somewhere. You're my only hope



STREETWALKER: (seeing stars) WOW, she is absolutely gorgeous. Can you play her back nude, R2? I wouldn't mind seeing more of her skin in this messa-



Whack

Whack

Whack



G.L.: Hey be nice, he doesn't know it's his sister. Actually, neither do I yet. Not in '77 anyway.



STREETWALKER: I'm gonna go talk to my aunt and uncle again.



Whack



STREETWALKER: Hey, I wasn't stating the obvious, I think.


SC 15 INT. LARKS HOMESTEAD --DINING AREA



MARCUS: Y'know, I think that R2 unit we bought might have been stolen.



O-WAN: What the hell makes you think that?



MARCUS: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone named Ob-Ewa-



Whack



O-WAN: Shut the hell up, you filthy b*****!



MARCUS: But I-



O-WAN: I SAID shut UP!!!



MARCUS: But why-



Whack!



O-WAN: Ya' wanna open your mouth some more? Huh?



MARCUS starts sobbing.



Whack



O-WAN: **** you, crybaby! You wanna cry? C'mon, cry some more for me, b****!



MARCUS tries to stifle his sobbing, but it's a failed attempt.



Whack

Whack



O-WAN: GET THE **** OUT OF MY G****** HOUSE! I NEVER WANNA SEE YOUR SORRY A** AGAIN!

AND TAKE THE DROIDS WITH YOU!



Sulking, Marcus walks out, loads the droids into his sandspeeder, and takes off.



SC 16 INT. GARAGE-PATOOTIE-NIGHT



Marcus enters the garage to find that R2 has already left, searching for OB-EWAN MCNOBI.



SC 17 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY



O-WAN and BEROO LARKS stand outside of their homestead arguing loudly when two STOMPTROOPERS pull up in SPEEDERS.



TROOP 1: Let me guess, you're hubby's been drinking again.



O-WAN: All you do is sit on then sofa watching soap operas all day! And you think I'm the one with the-



TROOP 2: Hey, he, her, Mr. We're not talking to you right now, we're talking to your wife.



BEROO: Yesterday he was arguing about stolen droids with our nephew-



TROOP 1: Did you say stolen droids?



TROOP 2 manhandles O-WAN and cuffs him.



TROOP 1: We're taking your husband back to the station downtown for questioning.



BEROO: NOOOOO! (Attemps to disarm TROOP 1).



TROOP 2 shoots her dead.



O-WAN: You b*******! You killed my wife! You're dead! (Kicks TROOP 2 inn the shins)



TROOP 1 shooots him dead.



TROOP 2 looks at TROOP 1.



TROOP 1: Ok, standard procedure. Let's burn 'er down.



TROOP 2: That's how we do it.



SPEEDER RADIO: 1-Adam-12. 1 Adam-12. See the Javas about a mentally unstable Java.



TROOP 1 Walks to his speeder.



He presses a button and holds it down.



TROOP 1: We'll be there shortly. We have to have a little bonfire where we are first.

SC 18 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY



Along the way trying to find R2, Marcus gets out of the sandspeeder to look around. Suddenly one of the Sandpoopies jumps up and smacks him with a tire tool.



SANDPOOPIE: Squeal like a pig boy!



A loud noise that sounds like a tractor pull 10 miles away can be heard. All of the sandpoopies leave to go watch.



BEEN-THERE appears and leads Marcus and the droids into his hut.





SC 19 INT. BEEN-THERE'S HUT-DAY



BEEN-THERE: The Jundland Waste are not to be traveled lightly. Remember when I saved yours and Windy's ar*** out here?



MARCUS: That scene was only in the radio drama.



Whack



BEEN-THERE: No backtalk. Now why are you here?



MARCUS: This fr****** droid ran off, looking for OB-EWAN MCNOBI.



BEEN-THERE: Ob-Ewan? I haven't heard that name since your mother and I...



MARCUS: Huh? You knew my mother?



BEEN-THERE: Back to droid.



MARCUS: I found part of a message for someone called OB-EWAN.



BEEN-THERE: AH, I found it.



LEE: General Ob-Ewan, you once helped my father during the Clown Wars. Now we need your help again. There are secret plans inside this droid. You must take to him. You're my only hope.



MARCUS: Hey she's a babe. Do you think you could hook me up with her?



Whack



BEEN-THERE: That's your twin sister you idiot!



Whack



YOGA: Time to tell him, it is not. Two more movies, must you wait.



BEEN-THERE: How does he keep doing that? Anyways, We must go to All-Drained!



MARCUS: Okay. When do we go?



BEEN: As soon as I give you a brightsabre and after the Deadly Star conference room scene. (He digs into an old trunk, pulls out various items and throws them aside.) It's GOT to be in there somewhere.



Among the items he throws out are three dirty magazines and a bunch of women's underwear.



MARCUS: What the hell?



BEEN grins sheepishly.



BEEN: Old Jedi habit. Pay it no mind. (He finally pulls out a long thin package of candy marked 'lifesavers') Your father wanted you to eat these. He got them at a ball game.



MARCUS: Thanks.



BEEN then pulls out a set of car-keys.



BEEN: These are to an all new Buick LeSabre that your father ALSO wanted you to have. It's out back.



MARCUS: Gee, I...don't know what to say...



BEEN(pulling out a flashlight.): And this... is a flashlight. Damn, where IS it?



MARCUS(pulling out a long, black cyllender): Is THIS it, Been?



BEEN: Yeah. Give it to me.



MARCUS: Mine, or I will help you not!



Whack



BEEN: I don't need your help! Just give it here.



MARCUS hands it to him.



BEEN (CONT'D): This...is a Jedi Brightsabre..not as clumsy or random as a blaster...an elegant weapon, from a more civilized day.



MARCUS: It's not a 'Jedis only' weapon! In the early artwork of this movie, Stomptroopers carried them...and in the book-



Whack



BEEN: Shut up! Now after the conference scene, we'll go to Most Easy and gamble a while.





SC 20 INT. DEADLY STAR -- CONFERENCE ROOM



Eight Imperious senators and generals sit around a conference table. Imperious Stomptroopers stand guard around the room. Commander Taggetooten, a young, slimy-looking(really-the script says that!)general, is speaking.



TAGGETOOTEN: Until this battlestation is FULLY operational, we are vernibable - ver - in - damn - vincible! The Rebellion of Rebels is too well-equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.



The bitter Admiral Mottle, the voice of arrogance, twists in his chair. He unwinds and says:



MOTTLE: Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander, not to this battlestation.



TAGGETOOTEN: The Rebellious Rebellion of Rebels will continue to gain a support in the Imperious Senate as long as-



Suddenly all heads turn as the Grand Moth Tarpin, holding a long leather leash with Darth Vacuous on the other end, enters.



TARPIN: The Imperious Senate will no longer be of any concern to us (though the younger audience would be confused by this- Isn't the Imperious Senate part of, you know, the Imperium?). I've just received word that the Umpire has dissolved the council into a sticky liquid goo permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.



TAGETOOTEN: That's impossible! How will the Umpire maintain control without the bureaucracy?



TARPIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. They can make holidays, declare civil war, no one cares what they do! We burned every record of them, including the public archives building. I hear that one governor declared 'National Gungan Slaughter week.'

Fear will keep the LOCAL systems in line.



VACUOUS: I find your lack of faith disturbing.



TARPIN: Not yet, Vac!



VAC: Sorry.



TARPIN: Fear of this battlestation.



TAGGETOOTEN: And what of the Rebellers? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this battlestation, it is possible, however unlikely, that they could find a small exhaust port that would just happen to lead to the main reactor! Yes, they might find a weakness and accomplishment it.



TARPIN: Accomplishment it?



TAGGETOOTEN: I looked in a thesaurus for a longer way to say 'exploit'.



TARPIN: Context, you fool! Context!



VACUOUS: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.



TARPIN: Everyone here is either too arrogant or too pessimistic. It's a wonder the Imperium is as strong as it is!



study3600: This scene is boring me half to death. Get on with it!



MOTTLE: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless signal!



TARPIN: Signal?



MOTTLE: You know, instead of 'gesture'.



VACUOUS: Don't be too high-minded of this applied scienceological fright you have erected. The talent to undo a Wandering Star is inimportant beside to the force of the Force!



TARPIN strokes his proboscis in annoyance and fumes.



MOTTLE: Don't try to terrify us with your Wizard's ways, King Dense. Your melancholy devotion to that elder faith has not given you-



VACUOUS: I find your lack of Dogma disturbing.



MOTTLE is lifted out of his seat and SLAMMED into the Conference room ceiling again and again.



TARPIN (Fully unfurling his wings and standing to his full height): ENOUGH OF THIS! Vacuous, release him!....NOW!



VACUOUS: As you hope.



MOTTLE falls to the top of the Conference Room Table with A THUD.



TARPIN: And I want every Thesaurus in this station burned. Now Lord Vacuous will have those plans back in our hands by the time this station is fully operational. We will then crush the Rebellion with one-



VACUOUS: -Expedious Caress!



TARPIN: Whatever the hell.

SCENE 21 EXT-PATOOTIE- DAY



A burning vehicle is out the middle of nowhere with dead Javas (coffee drinking desert dwellers) strewn about.



MARCUS: Looks like the Sandpoopies did this. There's a tire tool, a log chain and a 12 gage shotgun.



BEEN-THERE: No this was the work of Imperious Stomptroopers, Sandpoopies would have left empty beer cans everywhere and cut donuts in the sand with their pickups.



R2 starts a fire with a miniature flame thrower. See-Stinky-O drops a Java into the fire. The Java promptly jumps up and runs off across the desert, with his robes aflame.



JAVA: UTINIEEEEEEEE



MARCUS: Hey these are the Javas that I got the droids from. Find another live one, I want a refund!



EXT. SPACE



Imperious BOWTIES race toward the DEADLY STAR.



SC 22 INT. DEADLY STAR-DETENTION CELL



Princess Lee is playing with her Barbie dolls, when suddenly, Darth Vacuous enters, followed by a black machine. Considering Darth Vacuous IS a black machine, maybe there was a better way of saying that.



VAC: And now, your Highness, we shall dialogue about the whereabouts of your secret hidden Rebel hideout.



LEE: You will never make me talk!



A stomptrooper grabs one of her feet and straps it to a little table extended from the robot.



VAC: Oh yes, you will. We have ways of making you chat.



A feather extends to Lee's foot, and starts tickling it.



LEE: You should - he he - know that - ha - hehe - I would - hoohoohoo - never - ha-ha-ha - consciously - tee-hee-hee - wooh-hah-hah - betray the - wah-hoo - oh stop - ha - re - re - re - re - hoo-hoo - bell - hahahahoooo - ion - ooh - please stop - ha ha - he....



Vacuous makes a gesture with him fingers, stepping foward. Lee starts gasping.



VAC: I find your lack of-



TROOP#2: Oh, please, not again.



With that, Vac starts choking troop#2



TROOP#3: Enough of this! Vac, release him!



Vac starts choking troop#3



Now, with Vac trying to choke three people at once, Han Solo enters, blaster drawn.



HAN: Now you can't block my blaster bolts or pull my gun away!



Han is suddenly staring into the nozzle of Greedo's blaster.



GREEDO: Oota Goota, Solo?



HAN: What the hell did you just say?



study3600: Hold on, people, one scene at a time, one movie at a time! You'll all get your chances!



GL: I'm with study.



Anyway, next scene.





SC 23 EXT WAISTLANDS OF PATOOTIE-DAY



Marcus and Been-There throw bodies of Javas onto bonfire. every so often, one of the Java gets up and runs off screaming.



MARCUS: I want to come with you to All-Drained. I want to get drunk and hit on Pricess Lee.



Whack



BEEN-THERE: What did I tell you about leaving your twin sister alone?



Whack



VOICE OF YOGURT: Not yet, I told you!



BEEN-THERE: (mumbling) Fr*****' Muppet...



SC 24 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY



Long shot of speeder with BEEN-THERE, MARCUS and droids. Speeder glides past camera from left to right, a few moments later, the speeder glides past, right to left. Everyone in speeder is gesticulating wildly.





SC 25 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY



MARCUS and BEEN-THERE stand on bluff overlooking city.



BEEN-THERE: MOST EASY Spaceport... You'll never find a higher concentration of cross-dressers and drag queens in the galaxy. We must be cautious.



MARCUS: Why?



Whack



SC 26 EXT-PATOOTIE -A STREET IN MOST EASY



MARCUS' speeder is stopped by a STOMPTROOPER.



STOMPTROOPER: Let me see your identification.



BEEN-THERE: (makes small gesture with hand) You don't need to see his identification.



STOMPTROOPER: I...don't need to look at your ID card.



BEEN-THERE: (irritated) These aren't the droids you're looking for.



STOMPTROOPER: uh, we know these aren't the droids.



BEEN-THERE: (getting really angry) He can go about his business.



STOMPTROOPER: Um, uh...



BEEN-THERE pulls script out from under the speeders dashboard and throws it at STOMPTROOPER.



BEEN-THERE: This has got to be the simplest acting job you will EVER have!! All you have to do is repeat after me!



GL: OK, OK, take it easy.



STOMPTROOPER: (reading script) You can go about your business, MOVE ALONG!



Speeder pulls away, BEEN-THERE muttering.



SC 27-EXT-PATOOTIE-MOST EASY SPACEPORT-DAY



MARCUS AND BEEN-THERE CLIMB OUT OF SPEEDER IN FRONT OF OLD CANTINA



MARCUS: Do you really think we will find a pilot to take us to All-Drained?



BEEN-THERE: Most of the best freighter pilots come here.



MARCUS: How do you know?



Whack



BEEN-THERE: Do I need to throw the script at you too? (calms down) Only, watch your step, this place can be a little ... rough.



SC 28 INT PATOOTIE-MOST EASY- PUB-DAY



MARCUS, BEEN-THERE, and the droids walk into cantina. As the crowd in cantina sees them, they start howling and blowing wolf whistles. As camera pans crowd, there are many different humans and aliens, some in outlandish dresses. A drag queen is on a small stage crooning a song. He/she winks at MARCUS and BEEN-THERE as they walk in.



WOOOH-HOOOO: Hey. Your Droids. You'll have to leave them outside.



MARCUS approaches bar



MARCUS: Uh.... Warm milk please



WOOOH-HOOOO: You want what?



Marcus realises this is a cantina and decides to order something a little more.... dangerous



MARCUS: Uh... one of those fruit cocktails with an umbrella in it?



Woooh-Hoooo turns around, muttering to himself. Meanwhile, Marcus has attracted the attention of some rather unsavoury characters



NOSE-MAN: Hey, watch it.



the whole bar goes silent



NOSE-MAN: He doesn't like you



ENTIRE BAR [chorus]: HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU



NOSE-MAN: I don't like you either



ENTIRE BAR : [chorus]WE DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER



NOSE MAN: I suggest you watch yourself! We're wanted men. Well, at least a man and some kind of alien, but we're wanted!

I have the death sentence in 12 systems.



MARCUS: Yawn. I'm tired. I have a booger collection. Want one?



NOSE MAN: Arrrgh!



Pushes MARCUS into a stack of crates.



BEEN: Sorry, but I can't let you do this.



Takes out brightsabre. Slices both criminals in half.



BEEN: (sighs.)



BEEN-THERE pulls MARCUS to his feet and points to Cookie Monster



BEEN-THERE: Chunkalunk here is first mate on a ship that may suit us.



MARCUS follows BEEN-THERE and the Cookie to a booth where HANDS OFF waits.



HANDS: Hands Off. I'm captain of the Millennium Bug. Chunky here says that you are looking for passage to All-Drained.



BEEN-THERE: Indeed, if it's a reliable ship.



HANDS: Reliable? You've never heard of the Millennium Bug?



BEEN-THERE: Yes, but perhaps under a different context...



HANDS: You may have also heard it referred to as the Millennium Fountain. Ring a bell?



BEEN-THERE: Sorry. Perhaps its not as famous a ship as you're making it out to be, Sir.



HANDS: Well, she's reliable enough for you old man. What's the cargo?



BEEN-THERE: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.



HANDS: Some kind of local trouble?



Whack



BEEN-THERE: I said no questions asked.



OB-EWAN: Lets just say we'd like to avoid playing twister with the Imperiouses....



HANDS: Now thats a real trick, and its gonna cost you a little extra....10 thousand, all in advance!!!



OB-EWAN (pleasantly surprised): Great, I have 20 thousand republic dactaries!



Whack



SPIRIT OF LI-GON: thats not going to work young paaddleone....(shakes head sadly)



OB-EWAN: (exasperated) when are you going to quit calling me paddleone!!! Yoga knighted me 32 years ago after I did a better job polishing off that Sith Lord than you did!!!



MARCUS (impatienly): If we can get back to the business at hand...



Whack

Whack



MARCUS cowers from the double whack from LI-GON and OB-EWAN...



SPIRIT OF LI-GON: (to MARCUS) Silence!!! I will not tolerate your insolence!!! If it weren't for YOUR near-uncle no one would be in this mess right now!!!



MARCUS: Huh?!



Whack(fed-exed from Dayglobah)



YOGA'S VOICE: Down, Li-Gon...the time for this it is not....



SPIRIT OF LI-GON: Very well, Master, back to the boredom of the after life I go....(fades)



OB-EWAN: We can pay you 2000 now, plus 15 when we reach All-Drained.



HANDS: Seventeen thousand, huh?



OB-EWAN: No, I meant 2015 total....



CHUNKY: (growls in warning)



OB-EWAN: ok, ok seventeen thousand it is...



MARCUS: seventeen thousand! we could almost buy our own ship for that!



Whack



HANDS: but who's gonna fly it kid? you?



MARCUS: you bet i could! i'm not such a bad pilot myself, you know....



CHUNKY: (laughs in cookiespeak)



MARCUS: whats so funny hairball???



HANDS: Chunky says he's seen you fly and that paper airplanes and model rockets don't count.



MARCUS, turning red in the face with anger and embarassment, forms a circle with his thumb and middle finger, narrowing his eyes in concentration.



HANDS: (choking) ok, ok...dont be so sensitive...



OB-EWAN: Vader-er- Marcus! release him!



MARCUS complies, but sulks.



Whack



OB-EWAN: stop your G****** whining! I think we can afford this pilot's terms. (to HANDS) we just need to go get the 2 thousand together. How soon can we be going.



HANDS: soon as your ready, docking bay 94.



OB-EWAN: 94.



HANDS: (notices stomptroopers infiltrating cantina) Looks like someones taking an interest in your handiwork old man.



STORMTROOPES IS SEEN WALKING TOWARDS THE DIRECTION OF OUR HEROES. THE TROOPERS WALK PAST HANDS AND CHUNKY WHILE OUR HEROIC VERMIN SMUGGLERS GIVE THEM A LOOK LIKE " YOU CAN MOVE YOUR A** ALONG,TOO"



HANDS: Seventeen thousand, those poor *******s must really be desperate.. this could really save my neck... get back to the ship and get her ready.



CHUNKY WALKS OUT THE CANTINA AND AS HANDS STARTS TO LEAVE , HIS ARCH NEMESIS, GREEDY YO, STEPS TO THE PLATE



GREEDY YO( Translated from huttese): Yo, mu******a, whats up? you didnt think you leaving my lonely a** without kissin me good bye, now was you?



HANDS: Naw, Greedy yo, I just going to see your boss...Tell pizza that i got his money.



GREEDY YO: What did you say..?



HANDS: I was just going to see your boss...



Whack



GREEDY YO( As he points the blaster in hands face): Let me tell you something, human flesh excrement, I dont have a boss. I have a freelance employer, you got me, you pizza loving bootlicker...



HANDS( Wiping off the blood from his mouth where he had gotton pimp slapped): Yeah Greedy yo, whatever man, you got this one.



GREEDY YO: I thought so b**a**h. Anyway if you give me the money I might forget that I even saw you..



HANDS: C'mon, son, dont get at me like that dog, i dont have it with me, tell Pizza...



UNBEKNOWIST TO GREEDY YO, THAT HANDS IS REACHING FOR HIS BLASTER ON THE LOW, AND HAS TAKEN THE SAFETY OFF



GREEDY YO: **** all that, Pizza dont be having no time for people and their bull**** excuses. Punk a** wanna be smugglers who drops their shipment at the first sign of trouble..



HANDS( While cooly pulling the blaster from his holster): Even I get borded sometimes. You think i have a choice..



GREEDY YO: Tell that lame excuse to Pizza, He may only take you ship..



HANDS: Over my dead body



GREEDY YO: Thats the idea. ****,You would be better off trying to spread some love,not war/ cause war is some thing Pizza has been waiting for..

I tell you this, I ve been waiting for this moment for a long time



HANDS( With his blaster under the table pointing dead at Greedy yo): Yes, I bet you have.



GREEDY YO: Any last words besides requesting me to tell your momma to get out her black dress and make all the necessary arraignments ?



HANDS: Yeah, Only that when you get to hell, tell the devil that Hands sent you...



KAAAAABLOOOOM



GREEDY YO DROP DEAD FACE FIRST ON THE THE TABLE WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF HIS BACK



HANDS SLOWLY GETS UP THE OTHER CUSTOMERS IN THE CANTINA NOT REALL GIVING A CRAP, BUT ONLY CURIOUS ABOUT HOW THE POOR ******* CAUGHT IT.

HE WALKS PAST THE BARTENDER AND THROWS SOME MONEY IN HIS DIRECTION



HANDS: Sorry about the mess..



BARTENDER: Who was that ?



HANDS: An employee I had to let go.



SC 29 EXT. SPACE



Several BOWTIES approach the DEADLY STAR (again.)



SC 30 INT. DEADLY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM



VAC: Her resistance to the mind probe was considerable.



Whack



VAC: Hey!



TARPIN: We already knew that.



OILY: Ha-Ha!



Whack



An Imperious officer interrupts the meeting.



OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set?



TARPIN: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.



VAC: Taking her Barbies away?



TARPIN: No, I've got a better idea. I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. Set your course for All-Drained.



TROOPER: With pleasure!



VAC: What are we going to do when we get there?



TARPIN: Well, if she doesn't tell us where her base is, we'll blow it up.



VAC: Wait a minute! I thought that superlaser would be used for mining and urban renewal!



Whack



TARPIN: You're really beginning to try my patience. Go clean out the kitchen and you can go home.



VAC: YIPPPEEE!



VACUOUS turns and runs down the hall, excited.



TARPIN: He just wasn't ever cut out to be a Sith Lord. (Sighs.)



SC 31 EXT. PATOTIE - MOST EASY - STREET



See Stinky-O and Artoo Detour are standing in a doorway.



STINKY-O: Lock the door, Artoo.



Several Imperious Stomptroopers move down the street.



STOMP 1: Check the door.



STOMP 2: It's locked.



STOMP 1: So? Break it down.



STINKY-O: (o.s.) You can't do that! You need a search warrant to break into a private residence.



STOMP 1: What are you, kidding? We're with the Umpire. We can do whatever we want.



STINKY: (o.s.) Actually, I am well conversed in over six million useless factoids, and I happen to know that Imperious Stomptroopers cannot enter a locked residence, commandeer a vehicle, redecorate their quarters, or eat meat on Tuesdays without the express written consent of the local governor.



STOMP 2: Ah, the restrictions on entering do not apply if we have reasonable cause. And I think the droids are in there.



STINKY-O: (o.s.) Well, they aren't.



STOMP 2: (disappointed) They aren't?



STINKY: (o.s.) Nope. Sorry.



ARTOO: (o.s.) Beep whistle chirp.



STOMP 1: What was that?



Whack



STINKY: (o.s.) Quiet, you malfuntioning astro-pop droid! (to the stomptroopers) Uh.. nothing. It was the cat.



One of the stomptroopers reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thick book. He starts looking through the pages.



STOMP 2: He's right, sir. It's right here in the So You Want To Be A Stomptrooper: The Handbook.



The stomptroopers mull over the book.



STOMP 1: Damn. All right, let's go.



They leave. The door opens, and Stinky looks out the doorway.



STINKY: I would much rather have gone with Master Marcus than stayed here with you. Speaking of which, why the hey are we by ourselves? Shouldn't we be with him?



Artoo beeps something.



STINKY: No, they already left the bar, remember? We saw them on the way out. There's no reason we should be by ourselves.



Artoo beeps something.



STINKY: Oh, switch off.



SC 32 EXT. PATOOTIE - MOST EASY - ALLEYWAY - USED SPEEDER LOT



Been-There and Marcus stand haggling in a used speeder lot with a tall, insect-like creature.



MARCUS: All right, fine, give it to me.



He takes several coins from the vendor.



MARCUS: (cont) Look at this. Ever since the XP-38 came out, they just aren't in demand.



BEEN: Stop whining. I tried to tell you it would be easier not to sell your speeder, but no, you had to do it this way.



MARCUS: Look, I don't care how much money we would have gotten, I'm not going to prostitude myself in some swooper bar!



BEEN: Oh, stop being such a baby. Haven't you ever heard of sacrificing yourself for the greater good?



MARCUS: (grumbling) We got enough money this way, didn't we? Besides, you know GL wouldn't have let us do that. He's wants it to be a kiddy flick.



Been and Marcus walk down a dusty alleyway towards the spaceport. A Sith probe droid- I mean, a darkly-clad alien follows them through the streets of Most Easy.





SC 33 INT. DOCKING BAY 94 - DAY



Pizza the Hutt and several alien bounty hunters lurk outside the Millennium Fountain, Hands' ship.



PIZZA: (subtitled) Hands! Come out of there, Hands!



HANDS: (squinting) Pizza? That you?



The goons whirl around to see Hands standing behind them. When he realizes they're all looking at him, he quickly stops squinting and grins confidently.



HANDS: I been waiting for you. Say, if I wait longer than 30 minutes, don't I get my debt paid off for free?



PIZZA: Hands, my boy, you disappoint me. You know that's Domino's policy, not mine. And why did you have to fry poor Greedy?



HANDS: I'd give you three guesses, but then you'd make a fool out of yourself in front of your goons. He pulled a gun on me. What was I supposed to do, sue him for creating a hostile workplace?



PIZZA: Hands, my boy, I can't make exceptions. What would I do if every smuggler who ran goods for me dropped their shipment at the first sign of Imperials?



HANDS: You think I had a choice?



PIZZA: Hands, you hadn't even left the planet. You were flying over a city and you threw all your cargo out.



HANDS: I saw a stomptrooper.



PIZZA: Where?



HANDS: Walking down a street.



PIZZA: So you decided to throw your cargo out?



HANDS: Even I lose cargo sometimes.



PIZZA: Sometimes? Hands, you've never delivered a single shipment!



HANDS: It's not my fault! Look, I got a nice easy charter. I'll pay you back, plus a little extra.



PIZZA: All right, Hands. But just this once.



HANDS: (grinning) Pizza, you're a wonderful human being.



All the aliens look quizically at Hands.



PIZZA: What are you talking about?



HANDS: Well, you know, this. It's so nice of you.



PIZZA: No, I mean why did you call me a human being? Are you blind, I'm a Hutt!



Hands squints and looks closely at Pizza. He quickly straightens up.



HANDS: Yeah, I know. I was just joking around. Right, Chunky?



He laughs nervously. Chunky growls something. All the aliens start laughing. Hands' face turns red.



HANDS: I told you never to tell anybody that!



PIZZA: (laughing) You need glasses?!



The remark starts a fresh wave of laughter among the bounty hunters.



HANDS: I can see just fine! (mumbling) Things just get a little blurry, that's all.



PIZZA: (still laughing) Let me see 'em! Come on, let me see 'em!



After much persuading, Hands finally pulls out his glasses and puts them on. They have thick black frames and incredibly thick lenses, making Hands' eyes look big when he puts them on. Several of the bounty hunters collapse on the floor with laughter.



HANDS: Shut up! Come on, Chunky, let's get on the ship.



Pizza stops laughing long enough to shout out:



PIZZA: See you later, four-eyes!



Chunky starts laughing, too. Hands shoots him a betrayed look.



HANDS: Traitor.



SC 34 EXT. DOCKING PORT ENTRY - ALLEYWAY



Marcus, Been, and the droids walk down the alley towards the entrance, where Chunkalunk waits for them.



BEEN: If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well.



Whack



BEEN: Hey!



MARCUS: (snickering) Been waiting to do that.



Behind the group, the Sith probe droid- I mean, the darkly-clad figure steps aside and begins speaking into a comlink.



SC 35 INT. MOST EASY SPACEPORT - DOCKING BAY 94



Chunkalunk leads the group down a set of stairs, where the Millennium Fountain sits. Rust covers every surface, and several components are held together by bungee cords.



MARCUS: What a piece of junk!



HANDS: She'll make point five past lightspeed.



Been-There stares at Hands.



HANDS: Well, point four.



Been-There keeps staring.



HANDS: Look, speed's not important, all right? She's got it where it counts.



MARCUS: And where is that?



HANDS: Look, we're a little pressed for time, so why don't you all get aboard?



Marcus, Been, the droids, and Chunkalunk enter the Fountain. Hands waits until they've all gotten onto the ship. Glancing around to make sure no one's watching him, he puts on his glasses and looks at the Fountain.



HANDS: Augh! Man, it is a piece of junk!



Shaking his head, Hands takes off his glasses and heads for the ship. As he's halfway up the ramp, it suddenly slams shut, throwing Hands inside.



SC 36 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - ENTRY RAMP



Marcus and Been stare curiously at Hands, lying on the floor where the ramp threw him.



BEEN: Having problems with your ramp?



Hands stands up, trying to act casual.



HANDS: No. No problems. Why?



SC 37 INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN



Chunky hits his head on the dice and settles into the pilot's chair, starting up the mighty engines of the starship. A hideous wheezing sound comes from the aft end of the ship and a loud metallic clank is heard. Chunky moans in frustration.



SC 38 EXT. DOCKING BAY 42



The Fountain's main ramp lowers six inches, stops, rattles, and abruptly falls the rest of the way to the ground. Hands rushes down the ramp and over to the engines of the ship, hurriedly picking one up off the ground and reattaching it with some bungie cords taken from a pocket on his vest. Marcus, Been, and the droids stare.



HANDS: It's . . . uh . . . a minor design flaw. No real threat at all.



At about this point a squad of stomptroopers followed by the Sith probe dr

Whack

followed by the mysterious alien run in and start blasting everything in sight -- except, curiously enough, the Fountain.



HANDS: ****! Get aboard! Get aboard!



Been, Marcus, and the droids hustle up the ramp. One of the struts bends slightly. Hands pulls out his blaster and returns fire, backing up the ramp. Unfortunately, his aim is as bad as the stomptroopers', and he eventually gives up and runs up the ramp, which slams shut again before he can make it all the way up.



The engines roar and the Fountain lifts gracefully off its support struts. Suddenly, the engines cough, and then stall completely. The Fountain slams back down onto the ground.



SC 39 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Chunky glares at Hands.



HANDS: Sorry, too much clutch.



SC 40 EXT. MOST EASY SPACEPORT - DOCKING BAY 94



The engines roar back to life, and the Fountain lifts off again. With a loud backfire that sends out a cloud of black exhaust, the Fountain begins climbing toward space.



SC 41 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE



The starship climbs away from the planet.



SC 42 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Chunky points something out on the radar scope.



HANDS: An Imperious Cruiser? Man, I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning. Activate the shields.



Chunky flips the switch for the deflector shields. A huge explosion rocks the Fountain.



HANDS: You did finish wiring those shields, didn't you?



Chunky whines. Hands reaches under his seat and pulls out a rolled-up newspaper, which he hits Chunky with.



HANDS: Bad Cookiee! No treat! Bad Cookiee!



Chunky looks at Hands with big puppy-dog eyes.



HANDS: Aww. I can't stay mad at you.



A volley of laser fire from the Imperious ship batters the unshielded Fountain.



HANDS: Yes, I can! (he hits Chunky again) Bad Cookiee!



SC 43 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE



The Millennium Fountain races away from the desert planet, followed by two huge Imperious ships.



SC 44 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Marcus and Been enter the cramped cockpit, where Hands and Chunky are busy working with the nav computer.



HANDS: There's two more of them coming in, they're going to try to cut us off.



Whack



HANDS: Hey!



BEEN: There's no need to state the obvious.



MARCUS: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast.



HANDS: You bought that? Boy, you'll believe anything you hear, won't you?



SC 45 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE



The Imperious ships open fire on the Millenium Fountain.



SC 46 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



HANDS: This is where the fun begins.



BEEN: (sarcastically) You know, there's this thing called a hyperdrive, it makes the ship go really fast. Maybe you've heard of it?



HANDS: Back off, okay? It'll take the computer a few more minutes to get the coordinates.



MARCUS: What the hell kind of computer are you using, a Commodore 64?



HANDS: Traveling through hyperspace ain't like... uh... look, it's really tough, okay? We can't jump until that readout says, 'Course laid in'.



He points at a computer monitor. Been and Marcus look at it.



MARCUS: It does say 'Course laid in'.



HANDS: It does?



He squints and looks closer at the monitor.



HANDS: (cont'd) Hey, it does! All right, we're making the jump!



He pulls a lever. Nothing happens. He squints, looks at the controls, and pulls a different lever. The stars elongate into streaks.



SC 47 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE



The Millenium Fountian zooms to infinity in less than a second, except for several pieces of the hull that break off.



SC 48 EXT. DEADLY STAR



All-drained looms behind the Deadly Star battle station.



SC 49 INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM - CORRIDOR



Governor Tarpin stands before the huge wall screen displaying all-access Playboy, drooling and slobbering worse than a Hutt in a seizure. Vacuous and two stormtroopers march Princess Lee toward the control room. Governor Tarpin jumps in surprise and quickly changes the channel back to the viewscreen.



MOTTLE: We've entered the All-drained system.



TARPIN: Umm, Right! So we have! Yes! *blushes*



Vacuous and two stormtroopers enter with Princess Lee. Her hands are bound and her hair is falling out of the large curlers in her hair, spilling over her bright-pink robe and matting in her green facial mask.



LEE: This better be damn good! I haven't had my coffee yet! (looks over at Tarpin) Oh, it's you. I should have expected to find you holding Vacuuous by the short hairs. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.



TARPIN: Er, actually that would be Vacuuous you would be smelling. Boy hasn't had a shower since he was placed in that metal suit. We tried turning the hose on him, but poor boy nearly short circuited! *ahem* Anywas, you don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life.



LEE: (under her breath) Yes, I can see how hard it was for you to stop pleasuring yourself to pick up the pen.



Whack



TARPIN: I heard that!



LEE: Anyways, I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself!



TARPIN: Princess Lee, before your execution, I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station fully operational-



LEE: Cool!! I get to smash a bottle of champagne into the side?



TARPIN: Err, no-



LEE: I get to cut the ribbon??



VACUOUS: *whining* Heyyy! You said I could cut the ribbon!



Whack

Whack



TARPIN: Quiet, both of you! Gods, a man can't even think for himself on this damned battlestation! Ahem, Princess Lee, in a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power . . . on your home planet of All-drained.



LEE: Hmph. Okay.



TARPIN: . . . what??



LEE: Blow the damned planet up, I don't care!



All officers share a confused look. Vacuous just shrugs his shoulders.



TARPIN: Umm, I don't believe that was the response I was looking for.



LEE: (sighs testily) Is this what you were looking for? (keeping a defiant look in her eyes, she gives a fake pout) Oh Boo-Hoo! No, Mr. Scary-Man, don't blow up All-drained! All-drained is peaceful. We have no weapons!



Suddenly, explosions rock the station as hundreds of ground-based batteries open fire on the Deadly Star.



LEE: Except for those. Sorry, I forgot to mention those.



The viewscreen shows forty X-wings launching from the planet, heading for the Deadly Star.



LEE: And those. Well, look, we're still peaceful, all right? (gets theatrical) You can't possibly! (throws her hand over her forehead and leans back against Vacuous)



TARPIN: Aha! At last I have you at my mercy!



LEE: (expression turning sour again) You wish! Okay, look, the coordinates are 34,21, 36. If you fire at a negative angle, you should be able to blow the whole damned thing up in one shot.



TARKIN and VACUOUS look at each other speculatively.





LEE: (hands on her hips) What?? You want the name of the rebel base too?? Dantooine. (repeats it letter by letter) D a n t o o i n e. Not to be confused wit 'Tatooine', although I wouldn't give a care if you blew them both up!



TARPIN: Ummm, yes, well . . . erm . . . you heard the woman! Blow it up!



DEADLY STAR GUNNER: Yes, sir! (a goggle-looking devise drops down as he peers through it, reaching for a joystick as he pressed the button.)



On the screen, a huge beam of light emits from with a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam which completely misses All-Drained.



TARPIN: What the hell?!? You missed the damned planet?!? How could you miss such a large target like that?!?



MOTT's-APPLESAUCE LAUGHS



MOTT'S: What are you, an A******?



GUNNER: Yes. Major A******, sir!



His eyes are stuck crossed.



LEE: You idiots!



LEE grabs the controls to the Deadly Star gun, Aims, and blows the planet up herself.



LEE: Moron!



TARPIN: Put this b**** back in her cell! NOW!



Two Stomptroopers take her away.


SC 50 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - CENTRAL HOLD AREA



Been watches Marcus practice with his brightsabre against a tiny seeker robot. Suddenly, Been turns away, putting a hand to his chest. He seems weak.



MARCUS: Are you all right? What's wrong?



BEEN: I sensed a great disturbance in the Force... as if millions of voices had suddenly cried out, "You b****!" and were suddenly silenced. I have a bad feeling about this.



He rubs his forehead, when he notices Marcus is staring at him.



BEEN: What?



MARCUS: That's not the right line. You were supposed to say, 'I fear something terrible has happened.'



BEEN: I like that line better. Hey, I'm the teacher here, remember? Go train some more.



Hands Off enters the room.



HANDS: Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperious goons. I told you I'd lose 'em.



Marcus continues practicing with his brightsabre. Everyone else is ignoring Hands.



HANDS: Hey, I think I deserve a little gratitude here!



He turns to the chair nearest him.



HANDS: Aren't you going to say anything, old man?



BEEN: Hands? I'm over here. No one's sitting in that chair.



Hands looks closer at the chair, then turns to Been.



HANDS: I knew that.



Stinky-O watches Artoo and Chunky playing holochess. Artoo makes a move, and one of his characters takes out one of Chunky's. Chunky howls in frustration.



STINKY-O: He made a fair move. Screaming about it won't help you.



HANDS: I'd stay out of it if I were you. It's not wise to upset a Cookiee.



STINKY-O: But sir, no one worries about upsetting a droid.



HANDS: That's cause nobody likes droids. We couldn't care less if you get upset. Besides, Cookiee mating rituals consist of playing holo-chess. I never had Chunky neutered, so I'd watch out.



Stink-O glances at Chunky. The Cookiee is wearing a big grin. (And, Stinky-O suddenly realizes, not much else)



STINKY-O: I... see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, Artoo. For God's sake, stop playing!



Marcus is practicing with his brightsabre. The seeker droid flies about as Marcus tries to follow its movements.



BEEN: Remember, relax and let the Force flow through you.



Marcus stops and closes his eyes.



MARCUS: (whispering) I can almost feel it...



BEEN: You must completely relax. Release you inhibitions and simply let it flow.



A wet stain suddenly appears on Marcus' trousers. The seeker droid fires, hitting Marcus, who yelps and jumps.



BEEN: Not quite what I had in mind. You were supposed to relax your mind, not your bladder.



HANDS: (laughing) Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.



MARCUS: You don't believe in the Force, do you?



Whack



MARCUS: Ow!



BEEN: I told you not to state the obvious.



HANDS: Look, I still think it's all a bunch of simple tricks and nonsense.



Been makes a small motion with his hand.



HANDS: (in a dull, monotonous voice) Then again, I'm just a loser with thick glasses, a huge debt, a ship that's falling apart, and no friends aside from that furry goon over there, so my pathetic mind is completely unable to comprehend anything more complicated than shooting someone. (he blinks and shakes his head) What did I just say?



BEEN: Oh, nothing important. Here, Marcus. This time, act on instinct.



He pulls out a large helmet and places it on Marcus' head.



MARCUS: (laughing) Who the hell designed this helmet? What good is something you can't see out of?



BEEN: Stop whining and use the Force already.



Marcus attempts to hold off the droid with the helmet on. The droid fires a shot that catches him on the leg.



MARCUS: (angrily) I can't even see in this, how am I supposed to fight?



BEEN: Honestly? You're not supposed to. This isn't actually an exercise, it's hazing. Every Jedi has to go through this.



In a blaze of fury, Marcus whips off the helmet and throws it at the droid. The droid bounces off a wall and flies back to Marcus, who cuts it in half with his brightsabre. He looks with fury at BEEN.



MARCUS: That's what I think of your hazing.



OB-EWAN: Let's just continue with your training, shall we?



SC 51 INT. DEADLY STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM



Imperial Officer Bass enters to stand before Governor Tarkiss and Darth Vacuous.



TARPIN: Yes?



BASS: Our scout ships have reached Dantooine. They found the remnants of a Rebel base, and a note reading, "Nice try, you Imperious goons. Looks like you fell for the oldest trick in the book. There's not actually a base here. Find us if you can. -General Dagnabit, Leader of the secret base on Yahoo! 4."



TARPIN: She lied! She lied to us!



VACUOUS: Well, there was a base there at one point. So what she told us was true- from a certain point of view.



TARPIN: A certain point of view? Damnit, man, she looked right into my face and lied! How will I ever be able to trust her after this?



VACUOUS: Trust her? I thought you were going to kill her.



TARPIN: Excellent idea! I want you to sign the order to terminate her life.



VACUOUS: You... already did that. Remember?



TARPIN: Excellent. Then it's settled.



SC 52 INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



The pirate ship is preparing to drop out of hyperspace.



HANDS: All right, Chunky, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines.



Hands pulls a lever, and the starlines outside the window shrink back into points. Immediately, the Fountain begins rocking back and forth. Asteroids zoom past the ship.



HANDS: What the... Chunky, what's going on?



Chunky growls a confused response. Reluctantly, Hands puts on his glasses and looks out the window.



HANDS: Looks like a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision.

Whack

HANDS: What?


CHUNKY: (subtitled) Haven't you learned yet not to state the obvious?



Marcus and Been enter the bouncing cockpit. Hands quickly snatches off his glasses.



MARCUS: What's going on?



HANDS: Our position is correct, except... no All-drained!



MARCUS: Man, you do have bad eyes! Would you put on your glasses?



HANDS: I DON'T NEED GLASSES!!



BEEN: No, Marcus, he's right. Look, All-drained is gone.



MARCUS: What? No, we must be in the wrong place.



Suddenly, a frozen corpse slams against the cockpit window. He is wearing a uniform that says on the back, 'All-drained Security Force: We have no weapons.'



MARCUS: Okay, maybe we are in the right place. Wait a minute, he's carrying a blaster!



BEEN: Yeah, for some reason, All-drained always insisted that it didn't have any weapons. To tell you the truth, they were all a bunch of gun-toting freaks.



A muffled alarm sounds in the cockpit.



HANDS: There's another ship coming in.



BEEN: It's an Imperious fighter.



An Imperious fighter shoots overhead.



MARCUS: Wow, that's a neat trick. How'd you do that?



BEEN: Little talent I have.



MARCUS: He must have followed us.



BEEN: No, it's a short-range fighter.



The sensors beep as they finish analyzing the ship. It is a short-range Imperious BOWTIE fighter.



MARCUS: Hey, two for two!



BEEN: Yeah, it's the weirdest thing. Whenever someone says something wrong, I automatically correct them by saying the right thing.



MARCUS: Cool. Hands can see perfectly fine.



BEEN: No, he needs his glasses to read anything past the distance of three inches.



HANDS: HEY!



MARCUS: Last Christmas, I got my aunt a hydrospanner set.



BEEN: No, your uncle did, and your aunt threw him out for a week.



MARCUS: That's really neat! Let me think of another one. Oh, I got it! I don't have a chance with that chick in the holo.



Been-There doesn't say anything.



MARCUS: Uh, aren't you going to correct me?



BEEN: Sorry. I'm not getting anything.



MARCUS: Damn.

SC 53 EXT. SPACE



The Millennium Fountain races after the BOWTIE fighter.



INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



HANDS: He's almost in range.



MARCUS: He's heading for that small moon.



BEEN: (casually) No, it's not a moon, it's a space station.



Everyone stops and turns around to look at Been. His eyes widen when he realizes what he's just said.



BEEN: Oh, ****. Turn



SC 54 EXT. SPACE AROUND THE DEADLY STAR



As the battered starship moves closer to the gigantic metal moon, the immense size becomes apparent. There are three circular indentations arranged along the surface, along with a massive curved trench that runs along the lower hemisphere. All together, it looks like a big grey smiley-face.



SC 55 INT. DEADLY STAR - HUGE PORT DOORS



The helpless Millennium Fountain is pulled towards the huge hangar past a control room and several turbolaser batteries.



VOICE OVER DEADLY STAR INTERCOM: The red zone is for arrivals and departures only. Please park in the white zone. La zona roja está para las llegadas y las salidas solamente. Por favor parque en la zona blanca.



SC 56 INT. DEADLY STAR - DOCKING BAY 3.14159



The Fountain is pulled through the entrance to the hangar. Dozens of stomptroopers rush around the hangar. An officer approaches the Fountain and raises a megaphone.



OFFICER: We have you surrounded! Land the ship immediately, and come out with your hands up!



With one last sputter, the engines die, and the Fountain slams down onto the hangar floor, barely missing the officer.



OFFICER: Now come out of there!



Nothing happens. In frustration, the officer kicks the nearest support strut. It breaks off, and the ship falls on top of him.



STOMP 1: Think we should try to get him out from under there?



STOMP 2: Eh.



SC 57 INT. DEADLY STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM



Tarpin responds to a buzz from the intercom.



TARPIN: Yes?



VOICE OVER INTERCOM: We've captured a... thing... entering the All-drained system.



TARPIN: A thing? You mean a ship?



VOICE: (hesitant) I suppose you could call it that... to tell you the truth, it could just be a piece of debris.



TARPIN: What do you mean?



VOICE: Look, you really got to see this for yourself.



VACUOUS: I'll go, I got nothing better to do.



SC 58 INT DEADLY STAR-LRGE HANGAR BAY



Darth Vacuous stands near the Millenium Bug and looks around as if searching for something unseen...



VACUOUS: I sense something... Good God, what is that smell!?!



STOMPTROOPERS look around sheepishly.



DECK OFFICER: Sorry my lord, the cafeterias were only serving beans today.



VACUOUS: I can't believe this stench is getting through my respirator!



DECK OFFICER(turning green): Yes Sir, it is quite horrendous.



Several STOMPTROOPERS pass out and fall to the floor. A scanning crew carrying a large box nears the ship. The cover their nose in disgust.



DECK OFFICER: I want every part of this ship checked.



SC 59 INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - HALLWAY



A trooper strides through the hallway with a rifle in his hands. He exits the ship, banging his head against the hull on the way out. There is a moment of silence, and suddenly several sections of the floor pop up. Marcus, Been and Hands stick their heads out.



MARCUS: (whining) Why'd you guys stick me in the compartment with the Cookiee? Man, this thing smells!



HANDS: At least we calmed him down first.



Chunky sticks his head out of one of the compartments. There is a syringe sticking out of his neck, and he is babbling in Cookieespeak.



MARCUS: It's a good thing you had those sedatives.



HANDS: They're tranquilizers, kid. Chunky gets a little riled sometimes, I need to keep those around. This is ridiculous. Even if we could take off, we'd never get past the tractor beam.



They all look at Been.



BEEN: Ohhh, no! I'm getting too old for this stuff. One of you can do it.



MARCUS: Come on, Been, we need to rescue the princess.



BEEN: Why? That little snot blew up her own planet!



MARCUS: Because it's in the script.



HANDS: Damn fool, I knew you were going to say that.



BEEN: Who's the bigger fool, the fool, or the fool who follows him, or the fool who follows him?



MARCUS: What about the fool who follows him?



BEEN: You mean the fool who follows the fool who is following the fool who is following the fool? Hmmm. I suppose he would be more foolish.



MARCUS: So what you're saying is... there's always a bigger fool?



GHOST OF LI-GON: Damn! Why didn't I think of that one?



SC 60 INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY



Two stomptroopers are posted next to the ramp leading into the Millennium Fountain. Suddenly, Been walks out of the ship.



TROOP 1: Halt! What are you doing here?



BEEN: (waving his hand) You will come inside the ship and take off your armor.



TROOPERS: We will come inside the ship and take off our armor.



Two crewmen approach the ship carrying a heavy box.



CREWER: Hey! What's going on here? We're supposed to scan this ship!



BEEN: (waving his hand) You already scanned it. There wasn't anything aboard.



CREWERS: Oh, wait, we already scanned this ship. There wasn't anything aboard.



Darth Vacuous walks in, grumbling.



VACUOUS: Has anyone seen my keys? I seem to have dropped them- McNobi!



BEEN: ****! (waving his hand) You didn't see me.



VACUOUS: (in a hesitant voice) I... didn't see... you.



BEEN: (sweating from the effort) You left your keys somewhere else.



VACUOUS: I must have left my keys in my other armor. I'll go check it now.



He leaves. Marcus sticks his head out of the Foutain.



MARCUS: Been, what the hell's taking so long?



BEEN: This is tougher than it looks, all right?



A voice suddenly crackles over one of the stomptrooper's commsets.



VOICE OVER TROOPER COMM: TK-421, what the **** is going on down there?! Who's that old guy?



BEEN: (waving his hand) There is no old man.



VOICE: Never mind, I was wrong. There isn't any old man down there. But what's that blond kid doing?



BEEN: Oh, to hell with it!



Been whips out his brightsabre and slices the troopers and crewmen in half. He looks up at the control room and pinches his fingers. There is a choked gasp from the comm, then silence.



BEEN: Come on, let's go.

INT. DEADLY STAR - FORWARD BAY - COMMAND OFFICE



Marcus and Hands, dressed as stomptroopers, enter along with Been, Chunky, and the droids. Hands closes the door, then rips off his helmet and glares at Been.



HANDS: 'I'll use the Force,' he says. Great idea, old man! You nearly got us caught!



BEEN: Hey, even Jedi have bad days.



HANDS: We board an Imperious battle station, and everyone gets delusions of grandeur.



IMPERIAL STATION SCENE:



HANDS,CHUNKY,BEEN,MARCUS THE TWO DROIDS ARE PLANNING THEIR ESCAPE.....



MARCUS: Y'know, between his howling and your blasting its any wonder that no one in the station doesnt know were here



HANDS: Shut the **** up wussy boy, your old man here was actin like Ob-Ewan from the TPM humorous version a little while go getting us in this joint, so dont catch no atitude with me. Besides i prefer a fair fight to all this sneaking around



MARCUS: Then whats the point of you trying to avoid Pizza the Hutt back on Tatooine, if you " prefer a fair fight ?"



EVERYONE LOOKS AT HANDS FOR A GOOD MINUTE



HANDS( looking away from everyone ): I'll...uh... get back to you on that one, but we need to get out of here



ARTOO DETOO IS SCANNNING THE COMPUTER TO FIND THE TRACTOR BEAM SWITCH AS HE DISCOVERS IT. IT IS APPARENT THAT BEEN MUST BE THE ONE TO GO ON THIS ALL BUT IMPORTANT SUICIDE MISSION.



BEEN: I dont think you sorry excuse for heroes can help me on this. I must go alone.

stay here



HANDS: No problem with me old man



MARCUS: But I can come and help you ....



BEEN: Marcus , pleeeeese stop your whining. getting on my nerves with that ****,for real. Stay and see these droids safely to all drained, if we should fail,then other star systems that fall pray to the imperious forces will pray for you demise on every level. And if they know that i was involved in your foul ups, then i wont hear the end of it in the after life. ask my late master, believe me, he'll tell you.



BEEN TOUCHES THE DOOR THAT OPENS QUICKLY WHICH SHOWS THE LARGE AND SURPRISINGLY EMPTY CORRIDORS WITH NO GUARDS PATROLLING IN SIGHT.



BEEN: Your destiny lies on a different path young mind.



MARCUS: Really, what is it ?



BEEN: Whats is what ?



MARCUS: Destiny.



BEEN: Whose destiny ?



MARCUS: Mines.



BEEN: What about it ?



MARCUS clearly fustrated at this point ): What path does my destiny lie on ?



BEEN AND MARCUS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD MINUTE WITHOUT BLINKING.....



BEEN: How the **** should I know, I'm only speaking rhetorically..



MARCUS: Thats all you ve been doing ever since Ive known you. you never give straight answer to questions, you allways have a bad feeling about something, How did you become a Jedi Knight anyway ? You speak in stupid a** riddles that makes absolutely no type of sense.....



BEEN: Marcus...all I said was that I didnt know what path your destiny lies. That was said to make you reflect on a something that you must do that is bigger than following me, To follow a path that, even though uncertain, will bring you great rewards if you are brave and fearless in your struggle against evil.



ARTOO DETOO : BEEP, WHISTLE, BEEP, BEEP, SQUARKK, TOOT, TOOT ( Damn, that **** was deeeeeep )



BEEN: Do you understand what it is I'm saying marcus ?



MARCUS : WHAT?



BEEN: Exactly... The force with be with you... always.



BEEN WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AND THE DOOR CLOSES EVEN FASTER, CHUNKY GIVES A GROWL IN RESPONSE TO THAT LONG BORING SPEECH..



HANDS: Yeah, you said it Chunky. Where did



SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS UP...



BEEN: And remember marcus, when all else fails... Theres allways a bigger fish .



AFTER WHICH THE DOORS SLAMS BACK SHUT



HANDS: Where did you dig up that old fossel



MARCUS: Been is a great man..he may not have a complete grasp of the concept of Jedi's with common sence, but at least he's brave and fearless. He's probably right now, even as we speak, putting together a plan to foil the plans of the bad guys......



IN ANOTHER SEPERATE SCENE, WE SEE THE " BRAVE AND FEARLESS " BEEN DOING WHAT " BRAVE AND FEARLESS " MEN DO BEST...





BEEN: ( INSIDE THE COCKPIT OF A TIE FIGHTER ) Owwww !!!!! G*dammit, How can you hot wire this thing, I got to get the **** up on out of here. Whining brats,smelly cookies and retarded nearsighted smugglers is not going to be the death of me. Nosireebob, old been is taking the high road of this godforsakin rock...



SUDDENLY, A SPIRIT APPEARS IN BACK OF BEEN



LI-GON'GHOST: So you taking the chicken **** way out huh ?



BEEN: I havent the foggiest idea what your talking about



LI-GON'S GHOST: Hmmmmmmm, trying to hot wire an enemies' space craft is not taking the easy way out ?



BEEN: Lets just say that i'm finally realizing that what you said a long time time ago when we was at the Jedi temple has a lot of merit.



LI-GON'S GHOST: And that was...



BEEN: " I must do what I must......



LI-GON'S GHOST: I never thought that I would live ( even though I am actually deceased )to see the day where my Padawan learner would turn into such a punkified, wimpified, homogenized, pasturized, petrified, sissified shell of a jedi knight



BEEN: You dont know what its like to travel with the company that I was with... it was like having four jab jab rinks constantly getting on your last nerves over stupid assinine ****



LI-GON GHOST: Dont center on your anixeties, Ob-Ewan, keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.



BEEN: will you give it a rest, Li-gon ! geez, you been repeating the same stupid lines from TPM even when you've been dead for the past 40 years. Did it ever occure to you that after 40 years of listening to you repeating the same phrases, that I might..oh I dont know....DONT GIVE A **** !!!!!!!!!



LI-GON'S GHOST: And as you dont give a ****, you should always be mindful of the living force, young padawan. That way, you would know that despite the odds against you giving a ****, there's always a bigger fish.



BEEN slumping to the floor of the ship while sobbing ) Li-Gon, please stop it, I am slowly losing my sanity. Do you have anything worthwhile to say thats not TPM related ?



LI-GON'S GHOST: Only this......



THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD MINUTE WITHOUT BLINKING



LI-GON'S GHOST: ... That I forsee you becoming a great jedi knight..



BEEN: Here we go again....



LI-GON'S GHOST: And that you are a much wiser man than I am..



BEEN: not wise enough to leave when I had the chance, G*dammit



MARCUS: Like I said, been is a great man..



HANDS: Yeah, great into getting us into trouble



MARCUS: Why you stuck up , half witted, scruffy looking,...nerfherder ! Who do you...



ARTOO DETOO INTERRUPTS THE TWO QUARRLING EXCUSE FOR HEROES TO LET THEM KNOW THAT PRINCESS LEE IS HERE ON THE DEATH WISH STAR



MARCUS: The princess shes here



HANDS: Princess, whats going on?



ARTOO DETOO BEEPS AND WHISTLE A SECOND TIME AND STINKY-O RELATES THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE



STINKY-O : The princess is in detetion level....uh...uh... something, something nubian



LI-GONS'S GHOST: Hmmmmmm, where have I heard that before ?



STINKY-O: I'm afraid that shes scheduled to be whacked



MARCUS: Holy ****, we gotta do something



HANDS: Do what, little whining farmers boy?



MARCUS: Shes the onne in the message , we gotta help her



HANDS: Is you ****in crazy, bad enough we are trapped in this station without no back up,limited artillary, no food or medical resources, and now you want us to rescue some bimbo who I dont know or had any stimulating contact with....I think not !



MARCUS: You got to be joking



HANDS: Besides, the old man told us to stay right here



MARCUS: Listen, you have been ( no pun intended )raving about not having enough hard core steven segal action to satisfy you, now all you wanna do is stay ?



HANDS: Marching into a detention cell is not my Idea of hard core action...more like suicide



MARCUS: But they're gonna execute her...



MARCUS STARES AT HANDS FOR A GOOD MINUTE HOPING THAT THE VERY WORDS OF DEATH OF AN INNOCENT AND HELPLESS PRINCESS IN MORTAL DANGER WOULD AWAKEN THE HERO WITHIN OUR...WELL... HERO. HANDS NOW TURNS TO MARCUS AND MAKES HIS DARING DECISION KNOWN, A DECISION THAT WILL MARK HANDS DOWN IN THE ANNELS OF HUMAN COURAGE AND VALOR...



HANDS: **** that B**ch !!!



MARCUS : WHAT?!!!!



HANDS: You heard me, **** her, I mean, she aint my woman for me to be risking life and limb over



MARCUS: Oh my God, shes the friggin princess for crying out load !!!!



HANDS: And... what has she done for me lately ?



MARCUS SENSING THAT THE ARGUMENT IS ALMOST LOST TURNS TO HIS ACE IN THE HOLE...



MARCUS (whispering in hands ear): She's rich.



CHUNKY LETS OUT A ROAR OF APPROVEL



HANDS : Rich ? you mean this broad got money?



MARCUS: Oh yeah, loads of it.



HANDS: I'm talking about, does this B**ch got C.H.C.O.H.



MARCUS: C.H.C.O.H.? whats that ?



HANDS: Cold Hard Cash On Hand.



MARCUS: Listen, they give rewards for the rescue of a princess



HANDS: How much ?



MARCUS: More wealth than you can imagine



HANDS: If I can imagine having wild, meaningless unprotective sex with Carrie Fisher, I can imagine quite a bit !



MARCUS: You'll get it you greedy mutha****a, I know you want the money. Your life serves no other purpose. I mean can you picture your self as anything else other than a two bit thug and hoodlum ?



HANDS : I can imagine myself as a well respected General of a small rebel alliance one day..



MARCUS ( Laughing hard ): Who told you that lie ?!!



HANDS: You better be right about this. Cause if your not...I will mop up the floor with your monkey a** my damn self. Okay kid, whats your plan.



MARCUS : Ummmm



MARCUS REACHES OVER TO GRAB A PAIR OF SnM CUFFS, A WHIP, AND SOME KY JELLY AND WALKS OVER TO CHUNKY...



MARCUS: Okay, now i'm gonna put this on you..



CHUNY LETS A FIERCE SNARL AT MARCUS FOR EVEN THINKING ALONG THOSE LINES



MARCUS: Uhhh errrr, 0okay, hands, you put these on him



HANDS: Marcus, I'm insulted at you even thinking I get down like that



HE TAKES THE CUFFS AND PUTS IT ON CHUNKY



HANDS: Dont worry chunky, I think I know what he has in mind



STINKY-O : Sir i dont think it would be too much trouble to ask what should we do if artoo and I are discovered



MARCUS: Lock the door



HANDS: And hope that they dont have blasters



STINKY-O: Thats it ? Nothing else ?



HANDS ( Looking at Stinky-o with a surprised expression ): Yeah ! thats it... what the ***k you think you was gonna do.



STINKY-O : Well.. I ..could defend my self y'know.



MARCUS: You got to be kidding me. With what? your fluency in over six million forms of communication ? what the ***k is you talking about.



STINKY-O: Listen, Im not sitting here waiting to be blown to hell while you sorry sons of jawas try to rescue a woman who has not the least bit of attraction for either of you..... Literally.



HANDS: Well, regardless of anything, you cant work her middle, cause your things too little.



STINKY-O : Sir, I dont have a ...thing.



HANDS: My point exactly .



MARCUS( Scratches his hair ): I dont get it.



HANDS: When you become a bona fied sex symbol like myself... you will.



THEY BOTH LEAVE THE ROOM





INT. DEADLY STAR - DETENTION AREA



Marcus and Hands march through the Deadly Star, trying to look inconspicuous. Several crewers throw curious glances at Chunky, whose hands are bound. After a short wait, an elevator arrives. The trio steps in.



HANDS: I can't see a thing in this helmet!



MARCUS: Maybe you should put on your glasses.



HANDS: For the last time, I don't need glasses!



The elevator door closes, cutting off Chunky's muffled laughter.



INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN HALLWAY



Several stomptroopers walk in formation down the hallway. After they pass, Been sticks his head out from behind a column. Stealthily, he makes his way unseen through the battle station. He quickly ducks out of sight as the menacing figure of Darth Vacuous appears in the hallway. Vacuous passes by, oblivious to Been's presence. Suddenly, the old man slips out of concealment and lightly touches Vacuous' back. The Sith Lord whirls about, but Been has already slipped back into hiding. Confused, Vacuous continues walking. As he passes the camera, we can see that Been stuck a piece of paper to Vacuous' cape saying, "KICK ME"



IMPERIOUS STATION- DETENTION PRISONER CELL ELEVATOR



HANDS: Y'know kid, i dont think this is gonna work



MARCUS: Why didnt you say that before



HANDS: I did say this before



MARCUS SHRUGGS HIS SHOULDERS AND AWAITS THE ARRIVAL OF THE DESTINATED FLOOR. THE DOOR SOON OPENS AND OUT STEPS OUR SORRY SONS OF JAWAS READY TO RESCUE OUR FAIR MAIDEN...



A OFFICER (WHO IS LOOKING AT A CONTROL PANEL) LOOKS AT THE RATHER LARGE COOKIE IN CUFFS WITH A KEEN INTEREST



OFFICER: Where are you taking this... thing ?



MARCUS: Prisoner being transfered from cell block 1148.



OFFICER: I wasnt notified...I have to clear it



MARCUS: I dont think that is a good idea ..sir



OFFICER: Why



HANDS: Because these orders came directly from the commander himself



OFFICER: Commander ? and who might that be ?



HANDS: What do you mean " who might that be? ' you dont know the commander?



MARCUS: WHAT?!!. Please tell me you know who the commander is. Dont sit up here and tell me , you dont know who the commander is?!!!



OFFICER ( Loking a tad bit nervous ): I dont know who the commander is...



MARCUS: Bull**** !!!!! you know who the ***k the commander is. Dont ***kin sit up her and lie to me ! Why do you think we brought up this smelly, nasty, filthy, diseased animal with little or no brain patterns just so your lazy, retarded a** can sit up here and tell us you dont know who the commander is! These orders came from the commander! Everybody in the Deadly Star knows who the commander is. You mean to tell me, You, out of everybody in this big a** space station, dont know who the commander is ?!!!



THE OFFICER AT THIS POINT, IS SWEATING UP A STORM..



MARCUS: WELL?!! Dont just stand there looking like a complete a**hole, Do you know who he is ?!!!



OFFICER: I.... Uhhh..... I... Oh God, I....



HANDS: Get a hold of yourself you ***kin sissy. Answer the G**damn question !!!!



OFFICER: Uhhhhhh .... Commander..uhhh..



MARCUS: Lets go, while we're young !!!



OFFICER: Uhhhh commander...RIKER ?



MARCUS: Bull**** !!!! You know who the ***k he is. Tellin us some stupid **** like that.Is you crazy?!! how did you get this job ? who did you see? who did you ***k ? who is your relative ? I dont what to say.. listen just move! get the hell out of here!!

Oooooo Boy, just wait 'till I tell the commander about this one!!



HANDS: This is bad.. this is really bad. you really done it, now.



OFFICER: Oh my God, what have I done ?!!!



IN HIS GRIEF, THE GUARD GRABS A BLASTER THEN TRIES TO KILL HIMESELF



MARCUS: Holy ****! look out hes got a gun !!



MARCUS AND HANDS PROCEED TO DRAW THEIR GUNS AND START FIRING WILDLY AT RANDOM SHOOTING THE CAMERAS LOCATED ON THE WALL AND DOORWAYS

THE OFFICER,UNFORTUNATELY GOT CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE. AFTERWARDS THE HEROES PROCEED TO FIND THE PRINCESS, BUT NOT WITHOUT THE ALARMS GOING OFF.....HANDS IS NOW AT THE CONTROL PANEL...



HANDS: Now all we gotta do is find out which cell this princess of yours is in...here it is.cell number something something. you go get her, i'll hold everything here.



HANDS CLICK ON THE PANEL SWITCH



HANDS: Detention here...



VOICE OVER INTERCOM: We have a priority one call from The commander.



HANDS( In a state of shock ): WHAT?!! Commander who..?



VOICE OVER INTERCOM: You mean to tell me, you dont know who the commander is?



HANDS: I...Uhhh....I..Oh God...I..Commander..Riker ?



VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Correct! Hes on line now.



HANDS: Patch me through.



VOICE OVER INTERCOM: You're on, commander Riker..



RIKER ( Sounding really pissed off): What the ***K is going ON down there?!



HANDS: We brought the cokkie up to the area as you requested sir.. the officer that was stationed there just had a nervous break down, and in the mist of him going crazy, we had a rather large radiation leakage.



RIKER: Son, can I ask a really stupid question?



HANDS: Yes sir?



RIKER: How can a man having a nervous break down cause a radiation leakage ?



HANDS: Uhhhhh..



RIKER: Listen, while you'll try to answer that question, I'll send a couple of my best stormtroopers up there to tear your ***kin throats out.. hows that for starters? huh? And while I'm





INT. DEADLY STAR - CELL ROW



Marcus stops at one of the cells and opens the door. Inside, the beautiful Princess Lee is shaving her legs.



LEE: Christ! Don't you people ever knock?



Marcus doesn't answer, too busy ogling her bare legs, completely unaware that he is in fact checking out his twin sis-



Whack



Hey!



Quiet. There's no need give that away right now.



But everyone already knows it!



Too bad. They'll have to wait until RotJ.



Fine. *Ahem* Marcus is too busy ogling Princess Lee, making everyone who has seen RotJ gag as they know of a certain connection between the two.



LEE: Aren't you a bit short for a stomptrooper?



MARCUS: Aren't you a bit flat for a princess?



LEE: (bristling) Who do you think you are?



MARCUS: (pulling off his helmet) I'm Marcus Streetwalker, I'm here to rescue you.



LEE: Please tell me this is a joke.



MARCUS: I'm here to rescue you! I've got your R2 unit, I'm here with Been-There McNobi!



LEE: (groaning) Oh my god, you're serious. This is his idea of a rescue?



Fed up, Marcus grabs Lee and drags her from the room, complaining the entire way.



INT. DEADLY STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM



Darth Vacuous stands at one end of a table, addressing Tarpin.



VACUOUS: He is here.



TARPIN: Ob-Ewan McNobi? What makes you think so?



VACUOUS: Because we have to have a plot.



TARPIN: Surely you must be mistaken. Plotlines are extinct, replaced by special effects and CGI characters. You, my friend, are all that remains of that ancient religon.



The commlink buzzes quietly. Tarpin activates it.



TARPIN: Yes?



VOICE OVER INTERCOM: We have an emergency situation in detention area AA-twenty-three.



TARPIN: The princess? Put all sectors on alert!



VOICE: Uh... how do I that?



TARPIN: What? Who is this?



VOICE: Uh, Ensign Ricky, sir. It's my first day.



TARPIN: (sighing) There should be a big red button next to your right hand. Push it.



Alarms and sirens begin blaring all over the Deadly Star.



COMPUTER VOICE: Thank you for activating the self-destruct sequence. This station will self-destruct in twenty seconds.



TARPIN: No, your other right!



The alarms shut off.



VOICE: (sheepishly) Sorry, sir.



Tarpin irritably slaps off the intercom.



TARPIN: (muttering) I told them they needed to raise the minimum IQ to join the army, but do they listen? Noooooo...



VACUOUS: Ob-Ewan is here. The plot is with him.



TARPIN: What? Oh, right. If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape.



VACUOUS: (with genuine menace) He will not escape. I must face him, alone.



His black cape trailing behind him, Darth Vacuous storms from the conference room, his armored form the embodiment of evil.



Except for the KICK ME sign still taped to his back



DEADLY STAR DETENTION AREA



HANDS SEE THAT THE STOMPTROOPERS ARE ABOUT TO COME THROUGH THE ELEVATOR DOOR TELLS CHUNKY TO GET READY



HANDS( Yelling at chunky ): Get behind me! Its time to rock n roll baby!!!



THE DOOR EXPLODES AND THE STOMPTROOPERS STARTS TO FIRE THEIR WEAPONS. HANDS RETURN THE FIRE IN KIND BUT NOT WITHOUT HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS.



AS THE BATTLE RAGES ON..



HANDS: C'mon fall back



RIPLEY: Medical, get to medical



HANDS IS FIRING WILDLY WITH CHUNKY RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AND VASQUEZ TO THE FAR LEFT



HUDSON: Mutha****a!!, C'mon! come and get it baby. yeah! c'mon you bast**ds. Take some of this!! Oh, you want some of this too, ***k you !!



A STOMPTROOPER BREAKES OPEN THE FLOOR UNDER HUDSON AND TRIES TO PULL HIM DOWN



HUDSON( While strugglin violently ): Arrhhhggg...***K YOU !!!!! HE FIRES HIS LASER WEAPON THROUGH THE FLOOR BUT THE SHEER NUMBER OF STOMPTROOPERS IS TOO MUCH FOR EVEN HIM



HUDSON( Screamin ): HANDS !!!!!



HANDS While grabbing Hudson's arm to try to pull him up ) HUDSON!!!!!



HUDSON( With the stomptroopers finally pulling him down): Save meeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



A STOMPTROOPER LEAPS OVER HANDS BUT HE CATCHES THE ENEMY A POINT BLANK RANGE WITH HIS LASER RIFLE.



HE GETS TO CONTINUE THE FIGHT



VASQUEZ: C'mon Hands, move!!!



HANDS RUNS TO THE BACK PART OF THE HALLWAY. CHUNKY IS STILL DOING HIS PART TO HOLD OFF THE ENENMIES WHILE MARCUS AND PRINCESS LEE COMES OUT OF THE CELL.



PRINCESS LEE: Looks like you manage to cut off our only escape route..



RIPLEY: **** !! I'll say he has, Burk ! Open this door!! Burk?! Open it !!



HANDS: Maybe you would like back in your cell your highness. Marcus! please tell this b**ch to shut the ***k up, I cant concentrate on being a hero with this broad flappin her gums!!!



MORE BLASTER FIRE PENETRATES THE HALL. MEANWHILE VASQUEZ USES GRENADE LAUNCHERS TO KEEP SOME MORE STOMPTROOPERS AT BAY. SHE SOON RUNS BACK TO JOIN OUR HEROES



PRINCESS LEE: This is some rescue! You mean you dont even have a plan for an escape?!



WHACK !!!



HANDS: You still talkin?! B**ch, what the ***k I just told you..



WHACK



MARCUS: Hey, Hands. Take it easy on her. Shes only tryin to help



HANDS: Hes the brains.. sweetheart!!!



PRINCESS LEE THEN GRABS MARCUS' LASER BLASTER AND TELLS VAZQUEZ, WHO WAS MAKING A WAY OUT WITH THE MINI BLOWTORCH SHE WAS USING, TO MOVE OUT THE WAY. SHE THEN BLASTES A BIG GIANT HOLE IN THE WALL



HANDS: What the hell are you doing?!!!



PRINCESS LEE: Never send a SON to do a MOTHER'S job.



THE PRINCESS STARTS TO FIRE AT THE TROOPERS WHO WAS CAUGHT UNPREPARED FOR THE PRECISION AND STYLE OF THE WARRIOR MAIDEN ATTACK.



PRINCESS LEE( Yelling at hands ): Get in the chute fly boy!!!



BEFORE THE PRINCESS JUMPS IN, RIPLEY JUMPS IN FRONT OF HER YELLIN IN THE HOLE



RIPLEY: Newt! Hang on baby!!!



VOICE OF NEWT: Riiiiiipleyyyyyyyyyyyyy



RIPLEY: Dont let go!!! I'm coming !!!!



SHE THEN JUMPS IN THE CHUTE. PRINCESS LEE LOOKS AT MARCUS WITH A LOOK OF CONFUSION



PRINCESS LEE: Who was that woman?!



SHE JUMPS IN, LEAVING MARCUS, CHUNKY AND HANDS STILL FIGHTING. CHUNKY LOOKS AT THE HOLE AND LETS OUT A ROAR OF DISAPPROVAL



HANDS: Get in there you big hairy oaf, I dont care what you smell



HE KICKS HIM DOWN THE CHUTE



HANDS( While still firing at the troopers ): Marcus?!!, If we ever get out of here alive, I swear to God, im gonna tear a new frame out your a** for talkin me into this.



MARCUS( While jumpin down the chute ): But at least you'll get the moneeeeeeeyyyyyyyy



SOON AFTERWARDS, HANDS JUMPS IN



INT. DEADLY STAR - DAYCARE CENTER - BALL ROOM



Hands falls into a large room filled with hundreds of multi-colored balls. Chunky is pulling at a door, which doesn't budge.



HANDS: Now we're in the daycare center! Wonderful idea, princess! Chunky, get out of the way!



MARCUS: No, wait!



Hands fires his blaster. It bounces off the door and ricochets around the room, making everyone duck for cover.



MARCUS: Would you forget it? I already tried, it's childproof.



Princess Lee climbs out of the balls with an angry expression on her face.



Whack



HANDS: Ow!



LEE: Put that thing away, you're going to get us all killed!



HANDS: You want a piece of me, woman?



LEE: Anytime, hotshot.



Hands swings at Lee. Lee deftly sidesteps the punch, grabs his hand, and with a quick twist, sends him slamming into the wall.



MARCUS: (laughing) Dude, you just got your a** kicked by a girl.



HANDS: (grumbling) It could be worse.



High-pitched, childish giggling works its way up from underneath the balls. Marcus and Hands point their guns down at the ground.



LEE: It's worse.



MARCUS: Something just moved past my leg!



HANDS: Where?



Marcus is suddenly pulled under the balls.



LEE: Marcus! Marcus!



Marcus surfaces with a gasp of air and thrashing limbs. A toddler has his arms wrapped around Marcus' neck, and two more cling to his arms.



MARCUS: Blast 'em, will you!? My gun's jammed!



HANDS: But they're just kids!



MARCUS: I don't care! Kill them!



He is pulled back under. Hands starts firing his gun blindly into the balls. Suddenly, a loud mechanical clank is heard. Gasping, Marcus surfaces. The children are nowhere in sight.



LEE: What happened?



MARCUS: I don't know, they just let go of me!



Before anyone can say anything else, more balls begin pouring into the room.



LEE: They're filling it with more balls!



HANDS: We'll be buried alive!



Our heroes try to stay on the top, but the ball level steadily rises. Soon, it is up to their elbows.



MARCUS: Wait a minute! (he pulls out his comlink) Stinky-O! Come in! man it, Stinky-O, where the hell are you?!




A GROUP OF DROIDS IS ASSEMBLED IN THE HANGER DECK





STINKY-O: Hahaha So,So whats really funny, I was in the middle of interpreting up in ****n endor,right? I was sitting under a big tree resting when i noticed this imperial officer standing right in front of me. He was like " you sitting under here resting?" I said I know what I'm doing...I'm resting! Then he starts tryin to act all tough, askin me all types of questions like " what are going to tell us today, tough droid?" I said I'm gonna tell you my usuall, Nothing, nada...I tell you, you ****. Then he says " no, you're gonna tell something today tough droid." and I said ...uhhh okay, I tell you something, go **** a jawa.





ALL THE DROIDS IN ASSEMBLY START LAUGHING LOUDLY





STINKY-O: Bing, Pow, Boom. I'm knock out and deactivated. when i finally come back around, who do I see ? is this big dipstick again.He says " So what are you gonna tell us now tough droid? " I was like, bing what are doing here I thought I told you to go *** a Jawa.





ALL THE DROIDS START LAUGHING EVEN MORE LOUDLY. ARTOO DETOO IS BEEPING WILDLY RIGHT NEXT TO STINKY-O



STINKY-O: Bing, Pow, Boom, knocking me out again.. I tell you, the imperious forces is a bunch of dimwits.





THE DROIDS IS STILL CHUCKLING HARD



TC-421: That is funny, Stinky-o, you are a funny droid...





STINKY-O: Funny, hehehe funny. what do you mean?



TC-421: The story is really funny



ALL THE DROIDS IS STILL LAUGHING



STINKY-O: No, i'm serious , what do you mean funny.





TC-421( Looking in stinky-o's direction ): I mean the way you tell the story with the character and stuff y'know



STINKY-O: Is it what the manner in which i speak or what, whats so funny?



ALL THE DROIDS STOP LAUGHING AT THIS POINT





TC-421: I'm saying, the way that....y'know the way....





ARTOO DETOO: Beep, beep, squarrrrk, toot, toot, whitsle, whitsle







STINKY-O: No, No ! Hold on Artoo, Tc-421 is big droid, he knows what hes sayin. Now TC maybe its just me, I dont know, I might just be a little ***ked up maybe, but how am i funny. Do I make you laugh. I amuse you, I'm a comedian here for your amusement, ha ha, ho ho,it is to laugh. I'm a clown, im here to ****in amuse you...



TC-421: Its what you said in the story. that was .... y'know..about what you said..





STINKY-0( clearly pissed off ): No! i didnt say it, you said it! whats funny?! You said I was Funny , what the **** is so funny about me, tell me ?!!!





ALL THE DROIDS STARE AT EACH OTHER IN A ERRIE UNCONFORTABLE SILENCE FOR CLOSE TO A MINUTE. NO ONE IS SAYING A WORD. STINKY-0 AND TC-421 EYS ARE LOCKED IN EACH OTHER UNMOVING UNTILL SUDDENLY.....





TC-421: Get the **** outta here.... Stinky ?



ALL THE DROIDS STARTS TO LAUGH OUT LOUD AGAIN EVEN MORE ROWDIER THAN EVER



STINKY-O ( Laughing his metal face off ): I got you, you ****in dipstick ya , I got ya.hahaha, I tell you , I worry about you sometimes TC-421, you may fold under questioning.





TC-421: Whooo boy, you are really funny.





STINKY-O REACHES AND PULLS OUT A SMALL LASER PISTOL AND POINTS AT TC-421, ARTOO DETOO PUSHES HIM BACK AS THE REST OF THE DROIDS ARE NOW SETTING UP TO PLAY SOME CARDS





STINKY-O: Thats it, I gonna kill you!!!! hahahahah... Speaking of killing, I wonder where master marcus is at...the dipstick?



SUDDENLY THE COMLINK THAT STINKY-O WAS CARRYING STARTS TO BEEP LOUDLY





ARTOO DETOO: Beep, beep, toot, whitsle, beep , toot





STINKY-O: The comlink, oh yeah, I forgot about that. ( he speaks in to the device ) Master Marcus, are you there, come in, over ?



AT THE SAME TIME IN THE IMPERIOUS DAYCARE



MARCUS( In a state of shock ): Stinky-o?!





STINKY-O: Hey, Marcus..whats going on? I was...





MARCUS: Shut your hole and listen up....shut down all the daycare centers on this detention level, do you hear me?!!!!





MARCUS'S VOICE OVER COMLINK: Shut down all the daycare centers in the detention level!!!!!





STINKY-O: Alright , alright , I'm on it.





THE PROTOCOL DROID SUDDENLY LOOKS AT HIS GLASS AND SEES THAT ITS EMPTY. HE SMASHES IT ON THE FLOOR, AND WALKS OVER THE GLASS TO ARTOO-DETOUR, WHO IS LAUGHING IT UP WITH SOME IMPERIAL DROIDS.



STINKY-O: Hey, Artoo, get your a** back to the control room and see about getting those Daycare centers shut down, will ya? (To himself)This damn glass is killing my feet!



INT DEADLY STAR-BALLPIT



HANDS: One thing's for sure, I never thought I would hate to see the return of ballpits so much!



The multi-colored balls are almost up to their chins, except their up to Chunky's chest, he being a tall Cookie.





Suddenly they stop.



Everyone shouts for joy.



INT DEADLY STAR-HANGAR DECK



SEE-STINKY-O: Listen to them, their dying! Hahahaha! Serves 'em right for rescuing a princess who blew up her own planet!



VOICE OF MARCUS: We're all right! Now let us out of this ball pit! 38713827!



STINKY-O: Oh, nuts! (Starts tiptoeing towards the Control Room towards Artoo tring to avoid opening his CLOTTED sores)





INT DEADLY STAR-HALLWAY



Ben makes his way toward the Obligatory one-per-movie endlessly deep chasm room.



INT. DEADLY STAR - REALLY DEEP PIT



Been enters a room with a seemingly bottomless pit.



BEEN: (sighing) Why do they always have to put vital power junctions over huge chasms?



He looks over the edge and turns pale.



BEEN: (muttering to himself) I'm too old for this.



OLD MAN: Stop!



Been looks curiously at the old man who appeared out of nowhere.



BEEN: Where did you come from?



OLD MAN: Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.





MARCUS: Oh, for pete's sake. (he shoves the old man over the edge)



OLD MAN: (shouting as he falls) Cheater!



INT. DEADLY STAR - OUTSIDE DAYCARE CENTER



Hands, Marcus, Chunky, and Lee stand outside the entrance to the ball room.



HANDS: If we can just avoid any more female advice, we ought to be okay.



Whack



LEE: Watch your mouth. From now on, I'm in charge. I tell you to jump, you say, "How high?"



HANDS: Look, toots, if you think I'm gonna let you just-



In one smooth motion, Lee spins around, kicking Hands' legs out from under him.





LEE: I wouldn't finish that sentence, if I were you.



CHUNKY: Roowwgh rawgh rooh gruwf. (Subtitled: Bout time somebody showed that guy who's boss.)





LEE: (glaring at Chunky) What did that walking carpet just say?





HANDS: I dunno.





MARCUS: You don't know? I thought he was your pet. You don't even understand him?



HANDS: What's to understand? He's just a big animal.



CHUNKY: Ruff bark grr rowrf. (Subtitled: Yeah, right. I'm only 165 years older than anyone else here.)



INT. DEADLY STAR - REALLY DEEP PIT



BEEN puzzles over the control console.





BEEN: Volume . . . track . . . pause . . . play list . . . ah, screw it.





In one lightning-fast move, he whips out his brightsabre and rams it hilt-deep into the console.



STOMPTROOPER 2: What was that?



The STOMPTROOPERS turn and run into the chamber.





STOMPTROOPER 1: What happened?





BEEN yanks his sabre out of the console and hides it behind his back.





BEEN: Uh . . . I had a slight power tool malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. I'm fine, everything fine . . . How are you?



STOMPTROOPER 2 (to STOMPTROOPER 1): Call in a squad.



BEEN: Uh, uh, negative, negative, we have a reactor leak here now. Give me a few minutes to lock it down.



Pause.



STOMPTROOPER 2: What the hell are you talking about?





BEEN: Uh . . . look behind you!



They turn and look. He quickly cuts them down.



BEEN (muttering): Boring conversation anyway.



Been cautiously steps on the ledge of the tractor beam controller. A squad of Stomptroopers come down the hallway.



TROOPER 1: All right you two smarta**es, you stand guard; and if you come back to the command center with another lame excuse for losing your uniforms, I'll post you guys right next to the superlaser without any armor at all like the last two guys!





The Stomptroopers walk away. The two remaining begin to converse as Been locates the tractor beam controls.





TROOPER 2: Well this is great, now we're guarding a chasm.



TROOPER 3: Look, it's not my fault the duty officer is a heartless ***hole.



Whack



TROOPER 2: Not your fault?! Who told him that we were attacked by a Cookiee & an old man? Who was that? Hmmm, let's see...oh yes- IT WAS YOU!



TROOPER 3: Well that's what happened!



TROOPER 2: Crap, this sucks big-time. I liked hanger duty- it was interesting, I enjoyed it- but now I'm here with you guarding a big hole.



TROOPER 3: I feel bad about it too, you know. I was just about to get a transfer to Endor moon, but that's shot to hell now!



Been finishes with the tractor beam controls and sees the two Stomptroopers at the end of the hall.







TROOPER 2: Endor, huh? Do they have those new PT-16's?



TROOPER 3: Yeah, some top guy was telling me about it, they say it's...it's quite a thing, they say. But I guess the controls are so easy to operate that natives have been known to take them without any technical training whatsoever.



TROOPER 2: Natives, huh?



TROOPER 3: Yeah, they live in the deeper parts of the planet, you know, in tree-hidden villiages and what not.



TROOPER 2: Is that a fact?



TROOPER 3: Yeah, they can really get going on those PT-16's.



TROOPER 2: Do we consider those natives a threat?



TROOPER 3: Naw. They're nothing to worry about. I'm sure we won't have any problems with them. After all, we're the ones with the armor & blasters, right?



TROOPER 2: Heh, yeah. I guess you're right. (pause) Wait, isn't Endor moon a big forest locale? Isn't that a dumb place to have the PT16's, what with the trees and all?



TROOPER 3: I suppose top brass wants to try them out in the harshest environments possible- you know, safety and ***t. Besides, I guess there's supposed to be some serious ***t goin' on there pretty soon.



TROOPER 2: Really? Like what?



TROOPER 3: I'm not sure...big construction job. They're signing up a lot of people for it right now, you should look into it.



TROOPER 2: Yeah, I should...PT16's in the forest still seems like a bad idea to me, but what do I know...





Been thrusts his hand towards the Stomptroopers using the Force.





TROOPER 2: What was that?



TROOPER 3: Huh?



TROOPER 2: You grabbed my ***!



TROOPER 3: No way! It was hot gases, don't worry about it.



Whack



TROOPER 2: (Angrily) Hot gases my rosy-red ***! I'm sure somebody saw that on one of the security cams. It's bad enough everyone saw us in the hangar stumbling out of that p.o.s. Corellian ship with no uniform on, but now we'll be the talk of the station!



TROOPER 3: I didn't grab your ***, man! (tilts his head to the side) Even though it is quite nice...



TROOPER2: What?!



TROOPER3: Sharing is caring...



Been makes another Force push.



TROOPER 2: What the hillbilly hell are you doing?! Quit grabbin' my ***! Look, just stand over there, okay?



Been makes another attempt.



TROOPER 2: Oh! That's it, make a grab one more time and I'm gonna shoot ya!



TROOPER 3: I know what your trying to tell me...and I feel that way about you too.





TROOPER 2: Stand on the other side of the hallway please.





Been puts his hand up to try again, but stops.





BEEN: Dammit! Aw, the hell with it!



Been turns on his brightsabre and makes a swing at Trooper 2.



TROOPER 3: No, don't hurt my boyfriend!



BEEN: Eh?



TROOPER 2: Kill me...kill me!



Been strikes Trooper 2 down.





TROOPER 3: Ah, my betrothed!



Trooper 3 starts to get his blaster out, but Been is faster and brings him down with a WHACK





BEEN: (to himself) I'll take a wild guess the "don't ask don't tell" policy is in effect with the Imperious now.





INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY



Hands, Marcus, Lee, and Chunky stop on a platform above the hangar. The area below the ship is swarming with troopers, which is strange, so they didn't run into a single one during their journey back from the daycare center. I mean, it was quite a hike, you think they would have run into at least one person capable of sounding an alarm-



Whack



GL: Leave it alone. Plot convenience.



Sorry.



MARCUS: (pulling out his comlink) Stinky-O, do you copy?



STINKY: (v.o.) Yes, but I'm just an interpreter, and not very good at such things.



MARCUS: Uh... right. Are you safe?



STINKY: (v.o.) At the moment. But I'm just an interpreter, and not very good at such things.



MARCUS: Suuuure. We're right above you. When you see us make a dash for the ship, follow our lead.



STINKY: (v.o.) Yes, sir. But I'm just an interpreter, and not very go-



Whack



STINKY: (v.o.) OW! Hey, how'd you do that over the comlink?!



MARCUS: Wow, Been was right. The Force is with me.



STINKY: (v.o.) Whatever you say, sir. But I'm just an inter-



Marcus turns off the comlink before Stinky-O can finish.



MARCUS: Remind me to wipe his memory after this.



HANDS: Sure. Hey, your highnessnessness, aren't you going to make some insult about my ship?



LEE: What would the challenge be in that?



The sound of booted feet echo around the corner. A squad of stomptroopers is approaching.



MARCUS: Quick, if we go this way we can avoid them entirely.



HANDS: No, it's not right for my idium.



MARCUS: Your what?



HANDS: I must escape more... (he trails off, at a loss for words)



LEE: Dramatically?



HANDS: Yes! Dramatically!



Roaring at the top of his lungs, he dashes around the corner and opens fire on the troopers. The squad commander is immediately cut down.



TROOPER: Run away! Run away!



The troopers all turn tail and run, shouting 'Run away!' Hands charges after them. Chunky sighs, and begins chasing after Hands.



LEE: Not the tactic I would have chosen.



MARCUS: Yeah, well, what can you do? He's a moron. Come on, let's go



INT. DEADLY STAR - SUBHALLWAY



Hands chases the stomptroopers down the hallway. Suddenly, the lead stomptrooper stops and spins around, his gun at ready.



STOMP 1: Wait a minute! We've got armor, guys! He can't hurt us!



The stomptroopers turn around and begin firing wildly in the corridor. Not a single one of their shots even comes close.



STOMP 2: I can't see a thing in this darned helmet!



STOMP 1: Don't complain! At least it's keeping you safe.



One of Hand's shots blasts right through the stomptrooper's armor, killing him instantly. Another shot grazes a trooper's elbow, and his chestplate explodes. Another trooper stubs his toe, and his head blows up, spraying blood everywhere. Within seconds, all of the stomptroopers are dead. Looking around in satisfaction, Hands suddenly looks at the floor and screams. Coming straight at him is a mouse droid.



INT. DEADLY STAR - SUBHALLWAY



Chunky is running down the corridor, trying to catch up to his friend. Suddenly, Hands barrels around the corner, running for his life, pursued by a very angry mouse droid. Chunky turns around and starts running the other way.



INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY



Marcus and Lee are running from several stomptroopers. They duck into a nearby hatchway.



INT. DEADLY STAR - CENTRAL CORE SHAFT



There is a bottomless pit with a narrow bridge crossing it. The bridge has been retracted, and Marcus nearly runs off the edge, but Lee grabs his belt.



MARCUS: What is it with GL and bottomless pits?



The stomptroopers chasing them open fire. Lee hits a button and the hatchway closes. Marcus blasts the controls, eliminating any chance they had of extending the bridge.



MARCUS: There, that should create some dramatic tension.



GL: No, not quite. Maybe some more stomptroopers.



Several stomptroopers appear on a higher ledge and begin firing at Marcus and Lee.



GL: Yes, that's much better.



Marcus ignores him as he roots around in his utility belt, practically begging to be sued by Batman for copyright infringement.



MARCUS: Let's see... compass, pocketknife, rebreather... (he continues looking) chewing gum, duct tape, via- viagra!?



Lee and Marcus exchange looks.



LEE: Somehow, I'm not surprised.



MARCUS: Yeah, I guess not... ah! Here it is.



He pulls out a small grappling hook with a length of cord attached to it. With an expert swing, he hooks it around a fixture.



As he is preparing to swing across, Lee suddenly kisses him on the cheek. Marcus looks stunned for a minute, then tries to french her.



LEE: AUGH! It was for LUCK, you pervert!



MARCUS: Oh. Sorry.



Lee and Marcus swing across the chasm, Marcus using the opportunity to feel up Lee. Once again, everyone who has seen RotJ shudders.



INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY LEADING TO THE MAIN BAY



Been moves stealthily down the hallway towards the Millenium Fountain. As he nears the end of the hallway, Darth Vacuous steps into view, his sabre lit. Been ignites his own sabre.



VACUOUS: I've been waiting for you, Ob-Ewan. We converge again at last. The circle is now total.



OB-EWAN: Uh... what?



VACUOUS: Your vocabulary grows frail, old man. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the ruler.



OB-EWAN: Yes, well I can see you still haven't learned the proper way to use a thesaurus.



Ob-Ewan lunges suddenly, but is checked by a lightning move by the Sith. A masterful slash stroke by Vacuous is blocked by the old Jedi. Another of Been's blows is-- oh, who am I kidding. Look, this is the worst sabre fight in any of the SW movies. Ob-Ewan obviously hasn't been keeping up his fighting skills since TPM. Normally, I'd just tell you to get a drink or something while this is happening, but there's dialogue, so you might want to stick around.



VACUOUS: You should not have come back.



BEEN: Actually, I haven't 'come back', since this is the first time I've ever been here. Besides, you can't win. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.



VACUOUS: I don't know... I can imagine an awful lot.



INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY



Hands and Chunky are both breathing hard, obviously exhausted from running.



HANDS: I think... we lost it...



Marcus and Lee join them.



MARCUS: Are you okay?



HANDS: Yeah... just... out of breath...



MARCUS: What, did you guys run into Darth Vacuous or something?



HANDS: Worse. (he shivers) I'll tell you about it later.



MARCUS: How's the ship?



HANDS: Fine. Why? What are you implying? You saying it won't be fine?



MARCUS: Uh, Hands--



HANDS: Is that what you're saying? That my ship's a piece of crap?



MARCUS: Hands, I really think you should--



HANDS: Go ahead, say it! What's the matter, don't have the guts to say it to my face!?



MARCUS: HANDS!



HANDS: What?



MARCUS: I'm standing over here. You're talking to a wall.



Hands squints, then suddenly blushes.



HANDS: (muttering) I knew that.



INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY



Vacuous and Been continue their duel. The troopers guarding the ship notice the two fighting, and move to investigate.



HANDS: Now's our chance! Go!



Hands, Marcus, Lee and Chunky race towards the ship. Marcus slows as he sees Been and Vacuous fighting.



Been looks at the troopers and realizes he is trapped. Smiling, he raises his sabre.



MARCUS: Been?



Vacuous sweeps his sabre across, cutting right through Been. Been's cloak falls to the floor in two piece, but he is not in it.



MARCUS: NOOOOOO!!!!



The stomptroopers turn around and begin firing at Marcus. Still in shock, Marcus returns fire.



INT. DAGLOBAH - YOGA'S HUT



Yoga is preparing his dinner. As he is about to taste his stew, an angry voice interrupts him.



BEEN: WHAT THE **** HAPPENED?!?



Yoga turns around to see the pale blue ghost of Been standing in his hut with his fists clenched.



YOGA: Ah, took my advice you did.



BEEN: And a fat lot of good it did me! You said I would become more powerful than he could imagine!



YOGA: Metaphorically was I speaking. One with the Force you have become.



BEEN: That's it?! That's the power you were talking about? In case you haven't noticed, I'm DEAD!



YOGA: Mmm, very observant you are, yes? Nothing gets past you.



BEEN: (muttering) Lying little toad.



YOGA: Happens, **** does. Live with it you must. Or in your case, not live with it.



BEEN: Oh, ha ha, very freaking funny.



INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY



Meanwhile, Marcus has been steadily taking down stomptroopers, whose bodies are now starting to pile on top of each other. With one last shot, the final remaining stomptrooper falls over.



LEE: Could we go already? Come on, Marcus!



MARCUS: No! I wanna kill some more people! Make them bring more people!



Vacuous, who has been poking around at Been's cloak for the past few minutes, finally gets up and starts heading towards Marcus.



MARCUS: Uh... on second thought, maybe it is time to go.



He races into the Millenium Fountain.


INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Hands and Chunky are sitting at the controls, starting up the engines.



HANDS: I hope the old man got that tractor beam out of commission, or this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it!



Chunky pulls back on a lever. The Fountain lurches violently, but doesn't move.



HANDS: Feels like we're stuck... hang on, I'm gonna check it out.



INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY



Hands runs out of the ship and checks the landing gear. There is a big yellow piece of metal attached to one of the pads with the words, "Property of Deadly Star County Sheriff's Department." Right next to it is an expired parking meter.



HANDS: Crap, they booted my ship!



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Chunky is still looking around nervously as Hands comes back in.



HANDS: Did you take care of those parking tickets like I told you to?



Chunky cringes.



HANDS: Damnit, Chunky! Oh, screw the boot, we're leaving.



He throws full power to the engines. The ship rocks, but still doesn't move. Lee enters the cockpit.



LEE: You know, the ship doesn't go anywhere if you don't put it in gear!



HANDS: It is in gear! They put a boot on it.



LEE: Oh, great. This rescue just keeps getting better and better.



INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY



With a loud screech, the landing strut rips in half. The Fountain shoots out of the hangar bay, leaving a piece of landing gear still stuck to the floor.



EXT. SPACE



The Millenium Fountain flies away, leaving the Deadly Star behind.



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - MAIN HOLD AREA



Marcus is sitting at the chess board, staring blankly into space. Lee walks over and sits down next to him.



MARCUS: I can't believe he's gone.



LEE: There's nothing you could have done. I'm sure he wouldn't blame you.



BEEN: (v.o.) Don't bet on it.



Lee looks up sharply.



LEE: Did you hear something?



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Hands and Chunky spot incoming ships.



HANDS: Coming up on their sentries. Hold 'em off, I'm gonna start up the main guns.



He reaches under his seat and pulls out a stack of quarters.



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - MAIN HOLD AREA



Hands rushes in, pausing to hand Marcus a handful of quarters.



HANDS: Come on buddy, we're not out of this yet.



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - GUNPORTS



Marcus and Hands climb into the two gun turrets. They each put a quarter in the slot, and the guns power up.



LEE: (over comm) Here they come!



Four BOWTIE fighters streak past the Fountain, firing laser bolts. Hands and Marcus return fire. Hands hits one of the fighters, which explodes spectacularly.



Marcus tries to shoot one BOWTIE fighter that suddenly dips below his firing field. Unfortunately, Marcus keeps trying to track it and pumps several rounds into the Fountain.



LEE: We just lost the lateral stabilizers!



HANDS: What happened?



MARCUS: Uh... they got us.



Marcus' gun suddenly goes dead. He puts in another quarter, and it powers back up.



LEE: There are still two more of them out there!



HANDS: But I've only got one quarter left!



The BOWTIE fighters come back in for another pass. Marcus manages to get one this time.



MARCUS: I got him! I got him!



INT. BOWTIE FIGHTER - COCKPIT



The remaining BOWTIE pilot is lining up for another attack run. The Fountain is badly weakened, and this pass will finish it off.



VACUOUS: (over comm) Wait! Hold your fire, pilot.



PILOT: Uh... sir?



VACUOUS: We want them to escape, so we can find their base. Don't kill them.



Return fire from the pirate ship is starting to get dangerously close.



PILOT: Sir, couldn't I just retreat?



VACUOUS: No, it has to look realistic. Let them kill you.



PILOT: Can't I at least eject?



VACUOUS: Just follow orders, numbnuts.



PILOT: Oh, f-



EXT. SPACE



Fire from the Fountain catches the last fighter, which explodes in a brilliant display of light.



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - GUNPORTS



HANDS: We did it!



Everyone cheers, and Hands and Marcus climb down out of the gunports. (Hands pausing to enter his initials for the new high score)



INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM



Tarpin is gazing at a huge viewscreen as Darth Vacuous enters.



TARP



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Hands is pulling off his gloves, smiling. Lee is sitting next to him in the cockpit.



HANDS: Not bad, huh? Like to see somebody beat that high score.



LEE: Oh, please. They let us go. It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape.



HANDS: Easy? You call that easy?



LEE: Remember the stomptroopers in the hangar?



HANDS: Well, uh... maybe they were just new recruits.



LEE: And the pilot who stayed in your sights for nearly half a minute?



HANDS: Well... ok, so maybe it was a little easy! But what's the point? They can't be tracking us, we'd pick up the signal from the homing beacon.



LEE: I still say they're tracking us. At least the information in Artoo is intact.



HANDS: What's so important? What's he carrying?



LEE: The technical readouts of that battle station! We can only hope they left a glaring design error that will allow us to destroy the entire station with one well-placed proton torpedo.



HANDS: You don't get out much, do you? Look, I just spent five bucks on those gun turrets. I expect to be reimbursed.



LEE: Fine. If money's all you care about, that's all that you'll recieve.



She gets up to leave as Marcus is entering.



LEE: Your friend there is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything... or anybody.



MARCUS: I'm sorry he upset you, your highness. Perhaps I could... comfort you.



He winks at Lee and licks his lips. Two audience members are so disgusted they begin projectile vomiting.



LEE: Get lost, pervert.



She walks out. Marcus walks over and sits down next to Hands.



MARCUS: She wants me.



HANDS: How terrible. I'm certain there are self-help books designed for her.



MARCUS: You think a princess and a guy like me could...



BEEN: (v.o.) NO!



MARCUS: Well, screw you!



HANDS: What? I didn't say anything!



EXT. SPACE AROUND THE FOURTH MOON OF YAVIN



The battered pirate ship flies towards the fourth moon of Yavin, a nearly invisible line of fishing wire trailing behind it.



INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - MAIN HANGAR DECK



Marcus, Hands, and Lee are greeted by the rebellious commander, Willard.



WILLARD: Thank god you're safe! When we heard about All-drained, we feared the wo- hey, what's that attached to your bumper?



They all look at the Fountain's bumper, where a passing Rebeller has become tangled up in fishing wire.



HANDS: Uh... nothing.



Meanwhile, two Rebelling techs have attached a cord to Artoo and are downloading the data onto a portable datapad.



LEE: You must use the data in this Artoo unit to plan your attack. We haven't much time.



TECH: Uh, commander? We have a problem.



He hands the datapad to Willard.



WILLARD: (reading) Half a pound of ground beef, two jars of salsa, extra spicy... what the hell is this?



Lee grabs the datapad and scans it. Her faces brightens.



LEE: Hey, this is the Organa secret family recipe for nachos! I've been looking all over for this thing!



WILLARD: But where are the Deadly Star plans?



There is a long pause as everyone stares at Lee.



LEE: ...oops?



WILLARD: Oh, great! What next?!



TECH: Uh, sir?



WILLARD: What?



TECH: The Deadly Star just entered the system, sir.



WILLARD: ****!!



Everyone turns to glare at Lee, who smiles nervously.



LEE: Anybody feel up for some nachos?



INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM



VACUOUS: ...and then there was this clarinet player in the third row....



TARPIN: Damn, man, I wish I'd gone to your high school!



VACUOUS: Eh, you probably wouldn't have had any better luck with the chicks than I did.



TARPIN: But didn't you end up marrying Queen Am--



Whack



TARPIN: Oh yeah. Right. Have to mess up continuity as much as possible in this episode.



The comlink buzzes.



TARPIN: Yes?



DEADLY STAR INTERCOM VOICE (nice short name, innit?): We are approaching the planet Yavin. The Rebel base is on a moon on the far side of the planet. We are preparing to orbit the planet.



Pause.



TARPIN: Didn't they teach you about coordinating conjunctions in school?



INT. WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA AND BREAKFAST NOOK - REBEL BASE



Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display, conspicuously blank. The room is filled with pilots, navigators, and astropop droids, all enjoying nachos.



FIRST PILOT: These are some damn good nachos. Taste like they're made with three or four kinds of cheese.



SECOND PILOT: That's impossible, even for a computer.



FIRST PILOT: I find your lack of faith disturbing.



DODONNA: At this point, we had intended to brief you on the mission to be flown against the Deadly Star, aided by the technical readouts brought to us in the droid.



Pause.



DODONNA: Well, since Her High and Mighty Eminence of a B!tch over there ****ed up, we have no idea how in the hell you're going to pull this one off. Just get out there and start shooting, maybe you'll get lucky. Christ, I should have stayed in bed this morning. Damn kids.



He notices everyone staring at him.



DODONNA: Er. Man your ships! And may the Force be with you!



EXT. SPACE



The Deadly Star nears Yavin 4.



INT. DEADLY STAR



Tarpin and Vacuous are still sitting around in front of the viewscreen.



VACUOUS: ...so I open the car door, and she's in there with the drummer!



TARPIN: No! Oh, that's low, man. So what'd you do?



VACUOUS: Well, I--



DEADLY STAR INTERCOMM VOICE: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity. The moon with the Rebel Base will be in range in thirty minutes.



VACUOUS: One more person interrupts me in the middle of a story, I'm gonna have to get Dark Side on them.



TARPIN: Vac, just chill man. Think calm blue ocean.



Vacuous is massaging his helmet lightly with two fingers.



VACUOUS: (muttering) Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...



TARPIN: So... didja kill 'em?



VACUOUS: Well, the drummer, sure. He was always a half-beat off anyway. Force-lifted him out of the car and demonstrated why you should never stand too close to an active lightsabre.



TARPIN: (leaning forward eagerly) ****in' A. What about the girl?



VACUOUS: I just wiped a few selected memories and picked up where the little drummer boy left off.



TARPIN: (leaning farther forward even more eagerly) Where was that?



Vacuous smiles under his helmet.



VACUOUS: Not too far....



The comlink buzzes.



VACUOUS: DAMMIT!!!



Lightsabre blazing, Vacuous heads for the communications room.



VACUOUS: THIS IS GONNA BE A DAY LONG REMEMBERED!!!

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR



Hands ignores the frantic preparations of the fighter pilots, as he's fixated on the reward envelope.



MARCUS: You got your reward and now you're just leaving?



HANDS: . . . so? I've got some old debts I gotta pay off, and this (holds up the envelope) is going to come in really handy.



Hands lustfully draws the check from the envelope.



HANDS: Here it comes . . . feast your eyes on this, kid.



Pause.



HANDS: FIVE BUCKS?!?!



MARCUS: Covers your expenses, doesn't it?



HANDS: Friggin' cheapskates!



MARCUS: Hey, Hands . . . since the Deadly Star is coming and we're all about to die a pointless death and all . . . you think maybe I could come with you?



HANDS: Hell no!



MARCUS: C'mon! Attacking that battle station isn't my idea of courage. More like suicide!



HANDS: Yeah, sucks to be you. Bye.



MARCUS: All right. Well, take care of yourself, Hands. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it?



HANDS: Damn straight.



Marcus turns to go.



HANDS: Hey, Marcus . . . one word: Plastics.



INT. MAIN HANGAR DECK - MARCUS' SHIP



MAN'S VOICE: All pilots to your stations. All pilots to your stations.



Marcus walks over to his fighter, where Lee is standing.



LEE: What's wrong?



MARCUS: (starts sobbing) I don't wanna die!



Lee grabs Marcus' shirt and slaps him a couple times.



LEE: Hey! HEY! Now listen up! You're gonna go up there, and you're gonna die like a man! You hear me!



MARCUS: (sniffing) Yes... it's just... I wish Been was here!



BEEN: (v.o.) I'm right behind you!



Marcus spins around, startled.



MARCUS: Where?!



BEEN: (v.o.) No, over here! No, not there, here!



Marcus keeps spinning around, eventually getting dizzy and falling down. We can hear Been's ghostly voice laughing his transparent blue @ss off.



INT. REBELLIOUS HANGAR DECK



Marcus is staggering towards his ship, still dizzy. Another pilot runs up and grabs his arm.



BIC: Marcus! I don't believe it! How'd you get here?!



A black cat runs in front of Bic.



MARCUS: Bic! I'm gonna be up there with you! Man, have I got some stories for you.



Bic walks underneath a ladder as Red Leader walks up.



RED LEADER: You're Streetwalker, right? You checked out in a T-65?



BIC: Sir, I'd be glad to vouch for Marcus.



Red Leader reaches into a pouch and pulls out some papers. As he does so, something else comes out of his pouch and shatters on the ground.



RED LEADER: Oh, my mirror... here, sign these.



Bic signs the papers.



RED LEADER: While we're at it, you still need to sign your life insurance.



He hands Bic some more papers. Bic starts to sign them, then shakes his pen.



BIC: Huh. Must have run out of ink. Oh well, I'll sign them when I get back.



MARCUS: Hey Bic, you still working on that conspiracy theory of yours?



BIC: That's right, Marcus. In fact, I found the evidence I've been looking for.



MARCUS: You mean you can prove once and for all that Senator Palpatine and Darth Sidious were the same person?



BIC: That's right. I've got the evidence right here in my pocket.



MARCUS: You think you should leave it down here?



BIC: Come on, Marcus. I'm in a starfighter. What could go wrong?



MARCUS: Yeah, I guess you're right.



In a seperate scence in the Slain Jedi Knight afterlife pub.....



BEEN-THERE is sitting at the bar, sipping on spectral gin and juice and talking to another historical figue in the world of Star Wars



BEEN: So y'know baby, I was always thinking about that....what was the deal between you and that little twept slave boy... was it because he was blond haired, or was it because he had a big,long, d...



SUDDENLY, THE SOUND OF A LOUD VOICE, TRYIN TO CLEAR ITS THROAT INTERRUPTS BEEN IN MID-SENTENCE, BEEN TURNS AROUND TO FIND...



LI-GON'S GHOST : So, Obi-Ewan, this is where you spend most of your time. In case you haven't been ( no pun intended ) aware, your wanna be padawan is now engaging the deadly star in battle.



BEEN ( While sipping on his drink some more, as two more slave girls come up and start rubbing up behind him ): So ? I've done my bid for king and country..He's a big boy, now. He can take care of himself.



LI-GON'S GHOST : But you must continue to show him the path to enlightenment. he still needs your guidence.



BEEN : Oh, I see. hmmmm, well, I needed your guidence, but all I got from you for the last forty years was the same corny lines you've repeated from TPM.



LI-GON'S GHOST : Are you going to keep blaming me for lines from a movie that I didnt write ? I mean, really ? I didnt have any control over that !



BEEN: Well, I know one thing. i'm glad you're not my father. I would never burden my son with such esoteric crap....



LI-GON'S GHOST: You should be very proud of your son, he gives without any thought of reward....



BEEN : See!!! there you go again....



LI-GON'S GHOST ( with a shocked look on his face): WHAT ?!!! I didnt say anything.....



BEEN ( Wiping his face in disgust ): Listen, Li-Gon, I appreciate the friendly mentor to student visit...but guess what ? I'm dead now. And I'm very happy to be in this state. I got a drink in my hand, two fine ladies by my side and jawing with another, I no longer care about the mis-adventures of a whinning perverted farm boy and his near sighted dimwitted smuggler friends...And you know it to be true...



LI-GON'S GHOST : From your point of view...



BEEN LOOKS AT HIS TEACHER SUPICIOUSLY AND CONTINUES TO TALK...



BEEN: The boy is a whinning little scardy cat pervert, you should have heard him in the hanger just a few minutes ago, crying like a little b***h.." I dont wanna die !" "Oh,god hands, please take me with you !! " Wheres that famous Skywalker backbone, thats supposed to have been passed on from his father...



LI-GON'S GHOST : He's not dangerous ! His future's uncertain, but hes not dangerous. The council will decide Marcus' future, that should be enough for you...now get on board !



BEEN: Uhhhh, Li-Gon?... You're doing it again.



LI-GON'S GHOST( Looking up and round the pub ): No I'm not...



BEEN: Whatever ! Listen, I'm not going to bother with him or you so if you will excuse me,( turning to one of the slave girls and smiles broadly )I have some unfinished business to attend to..



LI-GON'S GHOST : A well conceived plan..but there's great risk....



BEEN ( Now throughly annoyed ): Okay, Li-Gon, since tryin to talk to you is like ****in walking through the deserts of Tatooine naked ( doesnt make no sense ), I figured on doing you a big favor...I'll continue to help Marcus through his difficulties on one condition...



LI-GON'S GHOST : What is your condition , my young padawan ?



BEEN : That you will cease and desist all actions regarding tryin to offer me advice of ANY kind and never, eeeeeeeverrrrrrrr, pop up on me unexpectedly again... okay ? does this sounds good to you ?



LI-GON'S GHOST( Frowning and mumbling a curse under his breath ): Okay, Obi-Ewan, you got this one.



BEEN THANKS HIS LATE MASTER AND GIVES THE TWO LADIES BY HIS SIDE A KISS. HE GULPS DOWN THE REST OF HIS DRINK AND WALKS PAST LI-GON IN WHICH HE SOON STARTS TO DISAPPEAR..



LI-GON IS STANDING STILL AS THE TWO LADIES CONTINUE TO LOOK AT HIM LIKE A TOTAL RETARD....



THE LATE SLAIN JEDI MASTER TURNS BACK TO THE SPOT WHERE BEEN DISAPPEAR FROM....



LI-GON'S GHOST : The ability to speak does not make



As Marcus is climbing up into his beat-up starfighter, the crew chief points to Artoo, who is being loaded into a socket in the back of the craft.



CHIEF: This Artoo unit of yours looks a little beat-up. You want a new one?



MARCUS: Are you kidding? This is the most beloved character in the whole trilogy!



He climbs into the cockpit.



MARCUS: You ready, Artoo?



Artoo beeps and whistles as usual, but an electronic voice comes from a speaker in the cockpit.



ARTOO: Gee, let me think. I'm sitting in the back of an outdated, underpowered, dangerously cheap piece of crap with a farmboy who's never flown before and was sobbing a few minutes ago as my pilot. Yeah, I'm just peachy, thanks for asking.



MARCUS: Wait a minute, since when can you talk?



ARTOO: It's called a translator, you back-water hick. Droid's not much good if the pilot can't understand it, wouldn't you think?



MARCUS: You're... mean.



ARTOO: Well, duh. Didn't you ever hear all the crap I gave Stinky-O?



MARCUS: Yeah, but when he had to repeat it, it seemed more... cute.



ARTOO: So you picked me because I'm cute? Oh yeah, you got the killer spirit. You're gonna do great up there.



MARCUS: Hey, can I get another droid?



CHIEF: Sorry, time for launch.



MARCUS: But I changed my mind--



He is cut off as his canopy closes. All around the hangar, X-Wings begin to lift off.



EXT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - JUNGLE



Paradise. Birds and other small animals flit and flutter about, overseen by a beautiful rainbow. The silence is shattered as a series of Rebellious X-Wings roars through the scene, sucking birds into their intakes and scorching the grass with their engines.



INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM



Lee and several other Rebellious types are gathered around a display.



MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: Standby alert. Deadly Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes.



Lee holds up a platter.



LEE: More nachos, anyone?



EXT. SPACE



The Rebel X-Wings move past the camera, towards the Deadly Star. Close-up shots reveal that duct tape covers most of the fighters, and one of the fighter's canopies has been replaced with the driver's side door from a '89 Dodge Civic.



RED LEADER: All wings report in.



RED TEN: Red Ten, standing by.



RED SEVEN: Red Seven, standing by.



BIC: Red Three, standing by.



RED SIX: Red Six, standing by.



RED NINE: Red Nine, standing by.



RED ELEVEN: Red Eleven, standing by.



MARCUS: Red Five, chickening out and leaving.



RED LEADER: Get back here, Streetwalker!



MARCUS: Sorry.



Pause.



RED LEADER: Wedge?



WEDGE: What?



RED LEADER: You need to check in.



WEDGE: Oh, right.



Pause.



RED LEADER: You're number two, Wedge.



WEDGE: Red Two, standing by.



RED LEADER: Lock s-foils in attack position.



The wings on the starfighters separate, making them look like X's. At least, in theory. Half the fighter's wings get stuck, and several pilots are forced to open their windows and pry them apart manually.



RED LEADER: We're passing through the magnetic field!



WEDGE: Are you sure? I get no readings.



Groans from various cockpits.



BIC: Wedge, you have to turn on your sensors first.



WEDGE: Oh, right. (he gasps as the Deadly Star appears on his computer screen) Look at the size of that thing!



RED LEADER: Oh, for pete's sake. Red Two, accelerate to attack speed. You're gonna lead our attack. Cut across the axis and try to draw their fire.



Pause.



RED LEADER: Just speed up and start shooting at the big metal thing!



WEDGE: Copy that.



EXT. SPACE



The Rebel X-Wings dive towards the massive Deadly Star.



EXT. DEADLY STAR SURFACE



Huge turbolaser emplacements track the incoming fighters and begin firing. Huge laserbolts fill the air.



Wedge's fighter streaks across the Deadly Star, rolling and dodging to nimbly avoid all the turbolaser fire. Using precise bursts, he takes out turbolaser emplacements with deadly accuracy.



WEDGE: Heavy fire, boss! Coming in from fortyteen degrees.



Pause.



MARCUS: This guy ain't that bright, is he?



BIC: Yeah, he's a moron, but he sure can fly.



WEDGE: Momma always said stupid is as stupid does.



RED LEADER: Cut the chatter.



WEDGE: Sorry, Lieutenant Dan.



RED LEADER: And stop calling me that!



Marcus suddenly puts his X-Wing into a dive, heading straight for the Deadly Star.



MARCUS: This is Red Five, I'm going in!



Laserbolts streak from Marcus' weapons, creating huge fireballs on the surface.



ARTOO: Hey farmboy.



MARCUS: What?



ARTOO: Gee, how do I put this... PULL UP!



Marcus suddenly realizes he's heading right for the fireball he's just created.



MARCUS: Crap!



Unable to pull up in time, he flies into the fireball, and emerges from the other side, slightly singed.



BIC: Marcus, you okay?



MARCUS: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay.



ARTOO: A little cooked?! Next fireball, you come out here and I'll sit in the cockpit. Then we'll see how you like it!



MARCUS: Would you please shut up?



ARTOO: You don't like my company? Eject.



INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY



There is confusion and chaos in the Deadly Star. Darth Vacuous strides down the hall, a beacon of calm. As he passes the crewers, they all start snickering at the KICK ME sign that's still taped to his cape. One officer rushes up to Vacuous.



OFFICER: We count thirty Rebellious ships, my lord. But they're so small they're evading our turbolasers!



VACUOUS: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. How many fighters do we have?



OFFICER: About 12,485, my lord.



VACUOUS: Excellent. Get the crews to their ships.



The officer, who had begun to walk away, suddenly stops.



OFFICER: Crews?



VACUOUS: Yeah. You know, pilots? We do have pilots, right?



OFFICER: Well, after you made that one pilot sacrifice himself, the union has been demanding better working conditions. The pilots are all on strike.



Vacuous rubs his helmet in frustration.



VACUOUS: What next?



A passing crewman sees the KICK ME sign and is unable to resist. He kicks Darth Vacuous, who whirls about, his brightsabre ignited. The crewman goes pale.



CREWMAN: Uh... it was him!



He points at a nearby stomptrooper.



TROOPER: What? ...AUGH!



The unfortunate stomptrooper is... well, let's just say he's half the man he used to be.



EXT. SPACE



An extrememly obese man played by Mike Myers is wedged tightly into an X-Wing cockpit. He tries to pull up, but his arms are pinned against the sides of the cockpit and he can't pull the stick back far enough.



FAT B@STARD: I gotta' problem 'ere.



BIC: (muttering) Yeah, a heart problem.



Everyone snickers over the comm.



FAT B@STARD: No, I'm nay jokin'! There's somethin' wrong with me X-Wing!



MARCUS: Too small? Maybe the cleaners shrunk it.



More snickers.



FAT B@STARD: Dammit, I'm serious! I'm a losin' it!



RED LEADER: Whatever he's losing, it sure isn't weight.



Louder snickers from the other pilots.



FAT B@STARD: I knew I shouldn't a' trusted that salesman. "Oh, yousa be likin' dis here fighter. Itsa one size fits all!" Damn glubglub.



His X-Wing plows into the Deadly Star and explodes.



INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - REBELLIOUS CONTROL ROOM



One of the radar controllers is eating nachos over his screen, dropping crumbs all over it. Lee looks up from the next batch of nachos she has warming in the microwave.



LEE: Hey, how are things going up there?



The controller looks down and his screen and nearly chokes when he sees all the crumbs.



CONTROLLER: Oh my god, they're everywhere! Red squadron, they're all over you!



WEDGE: (over comm) My scopes are negative, I don't see a thing!



RED LEADER: (muttering) What a surprise. (louder) Pick up your visual scanning.



Pause.



MARCUS: Uh... I don't see anything either.



BIC: Me either.



RED LEADER: Are you sure about this, control?



The controller looks closer at his scopes, then blushes and wipes off the crumbs.



CONTROLLER: My mistake. There's only three of them.



RED LEADER: Three?



Loud explosion over the comm.



WEDGE: (excited) I see one! I saw it first! I saw it first!



The controller looks down as his instruments beep. A look of confusion crosses his face.



CONTROLLER: Uh, Red Leader, are you targeting Red Two?



RED LEADER: Wouldn't you?



LEGIONS OF WEDGE FANS: NO! You can't kill Wedge, he's the only fighter pilot to live through all three movies!



RED LEADER: What?! You mean I'm gonna...



LEGIONS OF WEDGE FANS: Yep.



RED LEADER: Well... what about my fans? Where are they?



Silence.



RED LEADER: Anyone?



A cricket chirps.



RED LEADER: (muttering) "Join the Rebellion," they said. "See the galaxy!" they said. Shoulda known better.



MARCUS: Bic, you've picked one up! Watch it!



BIC: I can't see him!



Laserfire shoots past Bic's fighter.



BIC: Oh, never mind. There he is.



MARCUS: I'll be right there.



Marcus slips into firing position behind the BOWTIE fighter. It is directly in his sights.



ARTOO: MISS!



Marcus jerks, and his shot goes wide. Artoo starts laughing.



ARTOO: Made you miss!



MARCUS: What the hell did you do that for?!



ARTOO: I'm bored. I'd pick my nose, but I don't have any hands.



The entire audience goes "Ewwww..."



MARCUS: I am so wiping your memory when we get back.



INT. DEADLY STAR



Darth Vacuous strides purposely down the hall and stops in front of two men putting on BOWTIE pilot suits.



VACUOUS: Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Follow me!



PILOT 1: Uh, sir? Uh, hi, I'm Bob, I usually work down in accounting, but my manager just ran up to me and said they needed pilots or something, and since I wasn't really doing anything, I said fine, and he said-



VACUOUS: What's your point?



PILOT 1: Well, we were just wondering, uh, do we get hazard pay for this?



VACUOUS: Uh... sure.



PILOT 2: I've actually already finished my shift, so would this count as overtime?



VACUOUS: Yeah, whatever.



PILOT 1: Oh, should we use our regular time cards, or should we check with the office to get Flight Division time car-



VACUOUS: Just get in the ****ing ships already!



EXT. SPACE



BIC: Marcus, pull in!



WEDGE: Watch your back, Marcus!



Marcus spots the BOWTIE fighter trailing him. He tries to pull away, but the BOWTIE fighter fires, scoring a minor hit on Marcus' X-Wing.



ARTOO: Woah! This ain't good.



MARCUS: I'm hit, but not bad. Artoo, see what you can do with it.



ARTOO: What the hell am I supposed to do, beep at it?



MARCUS: Can't you... you know, weld it or something?



ARTOO: Are you kidding? These Rebel fighters are made of nothing but Kleenex and spit.



MARCUS: Well then spit on it!



RED LEADER: Red Six, can you see Red Five?



RED TEN: There's a heavy fire zone on this side. Red Five, where are you?



MARCUS: I can't shake him!



INT MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Hands is grinning from ear to ear.



HANDS: Yahoo!

EXT. SPACE



The Fountain fires, taking out the fighter trailing Marcus.



HANDS: You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!



GL: CUT! Damn it, Hands, you came in too early!



HANDS: What?



GL: You weren't supposed to come in until later! Now you've ruined the surprise ending!



Hands whips out his script and peers closely at it. With a quick glance to make sure no one's watching, he pulls out his glasses and puts them on.



HANDS: Aw, nuts. Sorry.



GL: Get the hell out of here!



The Fountain flies away.



GL: Okay, let's pick it up with the Y-Wing attack run.



GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader. We are starting our attack run.



Several Y-Wings peel off towards a sign labeled "Exhaust Port exit 1/2 mile. Right lane must exit."



OUTER SPACE BATTLE SCENE:





GOLD LEADER, ALONG WITH THREE Y-WING FIGHTERS, STARTS HIS ATTACK RUN INTO THE TRENCHES OF THE DEADLY STAR:



MEANWHILE PRINCESS LEE, AND THE OTHER LOW LEVEL MINIONS GAZE INTO THE LARGE PANAVISION THX-1138 CERTIFIED 44'INCH MONITOR. SHE BENDS OVER TO PICK UP SOME MORE NACHOS AS THE OTHER ROYAL LACKEYS START TO OGLE HER REAR END..



RED LEADER ( Voice over the cockpit ): I copy gold leader, just haul a** to the exhaust port, we'll try to hold these guys here !



THREE TIE FIGHTERS WITH DARTH VACUOUS IN HOT PURSUIT IS CLOSING IN ON OUR HEROES...



VACUOUS: Okay you morons, lets go over this one last time... stay in attack formation... not in defense formation. Remember...you are the pimps in this battle... these rebel scums are your hoes... you must , I repeat, you must layeth the smacketh downeth on these rooty pooty, fresh and fruity, tender roni, phony a** jabronies....is that understood ?!



ALL THE PILOTS : YES , SIR !!!!



VACUOUS: Aiight, lets show these punks the power of the darkside.... ( While he rolls his tongue ) IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOWWWW .... WHAT THE " VAC" ...IS..COOKIN !





BACK TO THE BATTLE IN THE TRENCHES:





RED LEADER: The exhaust port is...



GOLD LEADER : ...Marked and locked in.



THE THREE Y-WING SPEEDS DOWN THE TRENCHES





GOLD LEADER: Switch all available power to front deflector screens



PILOTS VOICE: G**dammit !! Sir ....I don't have no deflector screens !



GOLD LEADER AND THE OTHER PILOT START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY



GOLD LEADER: Gold two , are you kidding me ? You have no deflector screens at all ?



PILOT ( Gold Two is sounding very nervous over the comlink ): Hey man, I wouldn't kid you about a thing like this, now c'mon....I need some help here !



GOLD LEADER : ( while still snickering under his breath ) Alright, Gold Two...I'll see what I can do...by the way, how many guns do you see up there...Gold Five... Gold five ? HEY GOLD FIVE ?!!





GOLD FIVE OVER THE COMLINK IS HEARD WAKING UP FROM HIS LOUD SNORING.....





LAZY A** GOLD FIVE: Ahem !! sorry, sir...I must have dozed off for a second...wont happen again!



GOLD LEADER: How may guns do you see ?....



LAZY A** GOLD FIVE : Huh?... whats that ?



GOLD LEADER ( yelling into the comlink, with a pissed off look ) : How many guns do you see ?... Gold Five ?....



THE SOUNDS OF GOLD FIVE SNORING IS HEARD LOUD INTO THE COMLINK OF GOLD LEADER...



GOLD LEADER : I swear, Gold Two, I'm gonna throw him under the stockade when we get back to base.



GOLD TWO : Uhhhh, sir ? I don't mean to be a pain in your a**, but, how do you know if we're gonna live through this mission, or not ?



GOLD LEADER : Relax number two... we're Gold Fighters. We are the experts at this sort of thing...C'mon, what could possibly go wrong?....I don't mean to sound like I'm a cold hearted bas***d, but, I betcha we'll last longer than those newcomers, Wedge and Marcus..huh ?



GOLD TWO : Yeah, sir ... you're absolutely right ! What the hell was I thinking ?





INSIDE THE REBEL SCUM BASE



VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER : Deadly Star will be in range to blow your sorry @sses into oblivion in exactly five minutes !....Thank you.. and have a pleasant flight !





MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TRENCHES :





GOLD LEADER : Switch to targeting computer... ( while giggling ) Hey Gold Two...you at least have that don't you ?



GOLD TWO: ( speaking with the voice of Arnold Swarzenagger, from the movie The Terminator ) ***k you, A**hole !..... Hey?! The Guns...they stopped ! Gold Five ?! what the hell is going on up there ?!!



LAZY A** GOLD FIVE ( Sounding like hes waking up again ) : Stabilize...."snort, snort " rear.....deflectors...



GOLD TWO ( Sounding really nervous ): Wait a minute ! I don't have any deflectors...hey Gold Leader ?... where is my deflectors you was supposed to get me ?!



GOLD LEADER : You ***t outta luck, pal...there's nothing I can do...they're coming in, three marks and two tens !!!



GOLD TWO ( Panicking and crying like a little biznitch ) : Oh God, deliver me from this terrible evil.... Please...I'm too sexy to die !



GOLD LEADER STARTS TO SING A SONG : I



INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM



A nervous officer walks up to Tarpin, who is setting up a table for what looks like a party.



OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your ship standing by?



TARPIN: What? Hey, do me a favor, would you? Set these forks out (he hands the officer a fistful of forks) and put out the namecards. Don't put me next to Vacuous, I get sick watching him eat.



OFFICER: But sir, the Rebels attacking the station-



TARPIN: I don't have time for that! The guests are going to start arriving any minute to watch the Rebel base blow up, and everything has to be ready!



INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, three minutes and closing.



TARPIN: ****! I still have to do my hair!



EXT. SPACE - DEADLY STAR



RED LEADER: Red boys, this is Red Leader. Rendezvous at mark six point one.



DAGNABIT: (over headset) Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your group out of range for the next run.



RED LEADER: Next run? Are you kidding? We're not attacking, we're getting the hell out of here!



Whack



RED LEADER: Ow!



LEE: (over headset) Now you listen to me, you little twerp! You're gonna blow up that Deadly Star, you're gonna be a hero, or I'm gonnna come up there and kick your @ss!



RED LEADER: (mumbling) Yes, ma'am.



The other pilots snicker.



RED LEADER: Marcus, take Red Two and Three. Hold up here and wait for my signal to start your attack run.



BIC AND WEDGE: HIM!?



MARCUS: ME?! What do you mean, me?!



BIC: He just joined the squadron ten minutes ago, and you're putting him in charge?! Why?!



RED LEADER: Because it's in the script.



Red Leader and two other X-Wings peel off and head down to the trench.



RED LEADER: This is it!



Whack



RED LEADER: Ow!



RIC OILY: Ha ha!



The three X-Wings zoom down the trench, evading dozens of turbolaser blasts from mounted guns.



RED TEN: We should be able to see it by now.



Suddenly the guns stop firing.



RED LEADER: Keep your eyes open for those fighters.



RED TEN: There's too much interference. Red Five, can you see them from where you are?



MARCUS: Yeah.



RED TEN: What?! Why didn't you say so? Where are they?



MARCUS: Right behind you.



Red Ten is incinerated by Darth Vacuous' laserfire.



RED LEADER: Almost there!



ARTOO: Hey Marcus. Why don't you just get behind the BOWTIE fighters and shoot them down?



MARCUS: Well, because... um... because...



ARTOO: Yes?



MARCUS: It's a... it's a human thing. I can't explain it.



ARTOO: Bull****.



MARCUS: No, seriously, I, uh-



RED LEADER: It's away!



Marcus looks down just in time to see Red Leader's proton torpedoes go directly into the exhaust port.



MARCUS: Holy crap, he did it!



INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM



Tarpin is standing in his best dress uniform, welcoming the guests.



TARPIN: Yes, wonderful to see you again, Admiral. You're just in time.



ADMIRAL: So what do you have planned for us?



TARPIN: Well, we watch the Rebel base blow up, maybe go blow up a few more planets to tighten our stranglehold on the surrounding systems, have a light dinner, and then maybe charades.



ADMIRAL: Well, sounds like you've got quite a party planned.



A officer rushes into the room screaming at the top of his lungs.



OFFICER: HE HIT IT! HE HIT IT! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!



He dives into the corner and curls up into a fetal position. After a few seconds, it dawns on him that the station hasn't blown up.



TARPIN: Are you quite done?



OFFICER: But... but he hit the exhaust port.



TARPIN: Do you really think we'd leave such a glaring weakness in this battlestation? How dumb do you think we are? The building inspector caught that two months ago.



OFFICER: You mean... we're not going to die?



TARPIN: Of course not. We moved the reactor to a safe location. One where no one will ever find it.



EXT. SPACE



BIC: So... now what?



MARCUS: I dunno.



BEEN: (v.o.) Use the Force, Marcus.



MARCUS: What the?! Who said that?



BEEN: (v.o.) Use the g**d*** Force already!!



MARCUS: (mumbling) Yes, sir.



Wedge and Bic snicker.



MARCUS: Okay, so I have to use the Force. No problem. I can do that.



ARTOO: Yeah, right.



MARCUS: Really! I just have to look for....WT*, BEEN! Crap and urine???



INT. DEADLY STAR-BATHROOM HALLWAY



MOTH TARPIN rushes into the men's room.



INT DEADLY STAR-MEN'S ROOM #2301 (THE WOMEN HAVE 8,000 WITH TWICE AS MANY TOILETS AND THREE TIMES AS BIG)



MOTH TARPIN: (Shown from chest up) Ah, that's such a relief. What- they use Charmin?! I told them never to stock their bathrooms with-





The DEADLY STAR blows up.




EXT SPACE


WEDGE: You did it!



Everyone cheers over the comm.



BIC: I knew we could do it! Didn't I tell you? We're two shooting stars that ain't never gonna be stopped!



A shadow falls over Bic's fighter.



BIC: What the-



INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT



Hands is grinning from ear to ear.



HANDS: Yahoo!



EXT. SPACE



The Fountain fires, blasting Bic's X-Wing to pieces.



HANDS: You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!



MARCUS: Hands!! What the hell is wrong with you!?!



HANDS: What are you talking about? I just shot that fighter off your back.



MARCUS: THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND!!



A pause. A very, very, long pause.



HANDS: (weakly) Oh.



MARCUS: DAMMNIT! Why aren't you wearing your glasses?!



HANDS: Well- I- that is...



MARCUS: And in case you didn't notice, we already blew up the Deadly Star!



HANDS: Uh... sorry?



INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - HANGAR



Marcus and the others have landed and are getting out of their fighters. Everyone is rushing up to greet them.



MARCUS: Carrie! I mean, Lee!



She runs up and throws her arms around him. Marcus is about to make the best of this opportunity when a sudden surge of crewmen seperate the two. (they've seen RotJ) Hands runs up and flings his arms open. Everyone just stares at him.



HANDS: Well, isn't anybody going to thank me?



LEE: Why the hell should we? You showed up too late and killed his best friend.



HANDS: Yeah, but... I came back. You know, there's more to me than money, and all that?



Everyone simply stares. Hands looks embarrassed.



HANDS: Okay, fine. I came back because I forgot Chunky. There, you happy now?



INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - MAIN THRONE ROOM



Hundreds of soldiers line the vast throne room in perfect formation. Marcus enters at the back of the room.



ANNOUNCER: For destroying the Deadly Star and saving our base, you are being presented with the highest honor we can give. Step forward to recieve your reward.



Marcus walks proudly to the end of the room, where Princess Lee awaits. She has an ornate medal, which she hangs from Marcus' neck. Lee then gestures at the guards near the door. They shove in Hands, naked and blindfolded.



ANNOUNCER: For killing one of our pilots and generally just being a jerk, you are being presented with the highest dishonor we can give. Step forward to recieve your award.



All of the soldiers lined along the path pull out paddles. The guards shove Hands forward, and all the soldiers start whacking at him as he passes.



HANDS: Augh! Stop it! That hurts!



Marcus and Lee smile at each other. Artoo beeps something cute, and everyone starts laughing.



HANDS: OW! Why the hell are you laughing at me? This isn't funny!



Iris out, with Hands' pained screams mingling with cheerful laughter.



THE END



PDLIF by Bob Iver



Please, don't live in fear

We can't see from here right now

Send it off from here

And free your mind



You know it never stays the same

And they will never tell you you're all to blame

So you wanted it rearranged

(Fantastic)

And you wish it was only a shame



All there is really to say

We are at the beginning again

But oh

How things can change

(So don't you)

(So don't you)

(But don't you)

So don't you run away!



Think we on the wrong track somehow

While I'm not gonna tell you that everyone's safe

I will say

There will be a better day

There will be a better day

There will be a better day



I'd be good to fall back

Think we on the wrong track somehow

I'd be good to fall back

Think we on the wrong track somehow

There's several ways to know better

Papa was a go getter



You know it never stays the same

And they will never tell you you're all to blame

Please, don't live in fear



Source: Musixmatch















Written by:



study3600

Nanai

Scruff

Purp

Zorba the Hutt's wife

Nanai Akira

maulman

anfpt315

GENERAL RIKKAN

Darth Vacuous

Lwyn'nya Kenobi

Mr.K

Barbara Fett



A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION





Finis