A-III Revenge IsA DishBest Served Sith(ROTS HV)(Incomplete)

TITLE REVENGE OF THE SITH HUMOROUS VERSION

Authors: study3600, agentj, Darth_Revvin, the_jedi_princess, fistofthedarklord, uncle_watto, Ludo_Kressh, Jandor_Tarvin, Coric_Colje, Delalyra, Arius Valdayn,   light-

A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION


WARNING STAR WARS AND MARVEL COMICS UNIVERSE SPOILERS!!!



All credit for anything not my own in these scripts goes to their authors. Any change or alteration made to any original material from other authors made for editorial purposes or for continuity or in keeping with the rules of theforce.net.




A long time ago in the future....







SC 01 EXT.SPACE







A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the Main Title, followed by a rollup, which crawls into infinity....boy, I don't have to write that sentence again for twelve years! YIPPEE!






THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS







EPISODE III: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED SITH







Oh no, my I.Q. just dropped a few points and I can't form complete sentences!



War! The Republic! It's crumbling! Under attacks! By the ruthless Sith Lord! Named COUNT DOODU! There are heroes! On both sides! Evil! It's everywhere!



Oh, my brain hurts.



In a stunning move, the fiendish Clone Wars villain GENERAL GREEDY has swept into the Republic capital with a broom and kidnapped Cameo Palpitatine, leader of the Galactic Em- er, Republic. Why he is doing this when the entire audience knows Palpitatine is the bad guy no one can figure.



As the Separatist Tinker Drone Army attempts to flee the beswept capital with their obviously evil hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Cameo....







PAN DOWN to reveal a REPUBLIC ATTACK CRUISER. Continue to PAN if you can can with the Cruiser, as TWO JEDI STARFIGHTERS enter and head towards an enemy Battle Cruiser. TRUCK with the Jedi Fighters (I didn't know trucks could fly in space!) as they maneuver in unison, dodging flack and enemy laser fire. R2-Detour is on Manakin's ship. AMNOT-PP7 is on Ob-Ewan's ship. The truck that was with the Jedi is gone. A giant, (and quite frankly the best one I've ever seen!) space battle is revealed as the tiny Jedi ships continue their assault in a synchronous waltz.











SC 02 INT. OB-EWAN McNOBI'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







OB-EWAN bounces through the flack with a frown. Very descriptive. His ship rocks violently.











SC 03 INT. MANAKIN STREETWALKER'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







MANAKIN smiles as he blasts a TRADER CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER. He's smiling because lots and lots of pyrotechnists died to bring you that effect.







MANAKIN: There isn't a droid made that can out-fly you, Master, probably because--other than myself--you are the hero of this epic. ...And since Mr. Lucas scripted it this way, there is no other way to get to the Cameo....







OB-EWAN: Look out! More incredibly detailed CGI effects coming this way...!







SC 04 EXT. CORUSCANNOTEVERCALLITCORUSCANT-SPACE BATTLE







The TWO JEDI FIGHTERS swerve in unison as FOUR TRADER CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS attack. After several clever moves by the Jedi (which should include a MOONWALK, the BUMP and that POINTED FINGER POSE that was popular in the disco days), two of the CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS collide with each other in a ball of flame. Many OOOS and AAAAHS are heard from an unseen audience.







SC 05 INT. OB-EWAN'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







OB-EWAN struggles to maintain control of his ship.







OB-EWAN: We've got to split up. And see if you can get a few of those Tinker dropper fighters to follow you.







MANAKIN: Break left, fly through the guns on that tower.







OB-EWAN: You worry about those fighters. I'll worry about the tower!







OB-EWAN flies to the left of a huge tower on a REPUBLIC CRUISER. The two TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS follow.







OB-EWAN: Why am I always the bait?







Whack







OB-EWAN: Ow! I How do you do that over the Comm link?







MANAKIN: Li-Gon's ghost taught me-and he told me to remind you-







OB-EWAN:-There's always a bigger fish, yes, I know.







MANAKIN: No. That you're a much wiser man than him, and that he forsees you'll become a great Jedi Knight.







OB-EWAN: I'm a Jedi Master! A great Jedi Knight! Manakin, to your left!







MANAKIN: I see 'em. Watch that crossfire boys!







CLONE PILOT: Copy, Gold Leader.







MANAKIN: Ob-Ewan, you got two on your right. Watch it!







MANAKIN BLASTS away at a TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER as ARTOO BEEPS an angry warning.







CLONE PILOT #1: All wings report in.







CLONE PILOT#2: Red 6 standing by......







RICK OILY: Fighters, straight ahead.







Whack







OB-EWAN: I'm going down on the deck.







MANAKIN: Good idea.... I need some room to show of my great piloting skills.







OB-EWAN, in an effort to get out of the way of MANAKIN'S large ego, dives toward the surface of one of the larger TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESHIPS and is forced to fly through a very complicated CGI rendering that leaves everyone speechless. Suddenly he dons his retro-looking reader glasses while he skims the surface for his next lines. Outside in the space battle, he is followed by the TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER, which is followed by MANAKIN.







MANAKIN: Cut right. Do you hear me?! Cut right. Don't let him get a handle on you. Come on, Artoo! Lock on! Lock on!







ARTOO BEEPS. The censors are elated that the translation which appears on MANAKIN'S screen is, in fact, a made-up language so that the audience doesn't catch on to what ARTOO just said about MANAKIN'S dubious heritage.







OB-EWAN: (ripping the glasses from his face in disgust as he finishes reading the script and realises that he will have to spend a great deal of future scenes completely unconscious strapped to MANAKIN'S backside) Hurry up! I don't like this!







OB-EWAN flies through a narrow gap between two towers on a BATTLESHIP. The TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER hits one of OB-EWAN's wings with a laser blast, and parts of the ship go flying around OB-EWAN's Astropop Droid, AM-NOT.







OB-EWAN: Ouch!







AM-NOT BEEPS a blue streak. The censors open up their laptop computers in attempt to connect to the CGI computers and doctor the lines of the script. OB-EWAN sees this and releases his virus hacking program POINT-OF-VIEW into their email, which disables all their attempts into the system.







OB-EWAN: Don't even try to fix it, Am-Not. I've shut it down.







MANAKIN: We're locked on.... We've got him....







MANAKIN drops in behind the TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER and blows him apart. ARTOO SQUEALS with delight. Like MANAKIN, ARTOO likes the idea of pyrotechnists dying to create their special effects.







MANAKIN: Yeah! We got him.... Good going, Artoo.







OB-EWAN: Next time, you're the bait.... (sighing as he realises he'll be considered the bad guy at the end of the movie when he has to walk away from a crispy fried MANAKIN) Now, let's find the Command Ship and get on with it....







AM-NOT BEEPS yet another blue streak. Before OB-EWAN can remind him that the MPAA will only allow one or two bad words in a PG-13 movie, MANAKIN'S voice interrupts him--







MANAKIN: Lock onto them, Artoo. Master, General Grievously's ship is directly ahead.







OB-EWAN rolls his eyes because he knows that's not his real name.







SC 06 INT OB-EWAN'S FIGHTER COCKPIT--where else but SPACE







OB-EWAN: Oh, I see it. Wow, this's gonna be easy...just like nailing womp rats on Patootie.







WHACK







GL: What'd I tell you about excessive foreshadowing?







OB-EWAN: Yes, master...







AHEAD is a TINKER CONVENTION CRUUUZER with PNEUMATIC SUSPENSION, SPINNER HUBCAPS, a multi-million Watt BOSE BLASTER 9000 sound system, and lots of TINKER MULCHING DROIDS...the droids assume wood-chipper configuration and begin swarming towards the JEDI STARFIGHTERS







MANAKIN: Come on, Master. If you were going any slower, you'd be backing up!







OB-EWAN: Not this time. There's not enough wood stakes. We need help. Cue Ball, do you copy?







CUE BALL: Only from the smart kids, Red Leader.







OB-EWAN: Mark my position and form your squad up behind me.







SC 07 INT CUE BALL's COCKPIT







CUE BALL: We're right behind you, General McNobi. Set Aluminum Foils in oven and heat to 325...







The PROTECTIVE RAY SHIELD on the main hangar of the TINKER CONVENTION CRUUUUZER lowers, and six new DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS emerge and join the MULCHER FIGHTERS heading for the STRIKE FORCE. The JEDI STARFIGHTERS extend Aluminum Foils from the tips of their wings, like CONFETTI STREAMERS







OB-EWAN: Do you copy, EIGHT BALL?







EIGHT BALL: With a Xerox, Red Leader!







OB-EWAN: Form up and get ready for our attack run!







INT MANAKIN'S FIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







MANAKIN: This is where the fun begins. Ten Mulcher Droids, straight ahead, coming down the left side...







ARTOO beeps a worried message







OB-EWAN: Add five Tricycle Fighters on the right.







MANAKIN: I'm going head to head. See ya, sucker.







MANAKIN'S FIGHTER leaps ahead







OB-EWAN: (singing along with Eagles music blasting from cockpit speakers) Take it eeeeeeaaaasy, take it eeeeaaaaassssy/don't let the sound of your own wheels/drive you craaaaazy.







MANAKIN makes a face as the music and OB-EWAN's horrible singing blast through his headset.







Four CLONE FIGHTERS move into formation behind the Jedi







CUE BALL: I'm on your right, Red Leader.







MANAKIN: INCOMING!!!!







EIGHT BALL: HIT THE DECK!!!! *looking around* Where's Charlie?! Where?!







EIGHT BALL'S FIGHTER breaks off and begins flying back towards the REPUBLIC FLEET, spraying fire in random directions







ARTOO squeals like a TEENAGE GIRL at her first N'STYNK concert as five DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS pass on the right.







MANAKIN: (shaking his fist as they fly by) don't you know, PASS on the LEFT?! Where'd you get your flying license?! The University of Bob?!







OB-EWAN: Five more on the left!







Four more DROID MULCHER FIGHTERS pass on the left, flashing their lights and honking. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN continue to fly in unison, ARTOO squeals again.







MANAKIN: Here we go!!







The kitchen sink also passes to the left.







MANAKIN (CONT'D): Yep they included that in this battle too.







The JEDI STARFIGHTERS loop around the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS, ending up behind them. The Jedi blast away, while the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS erupt in massive pyrotechnic displays







OB-EWAN: I'm going high and right!







MANAKIN: Hang on, there are four more of them.







OB-EWAN: Stay with me, Manakin! Swing back and right...







MANAKIN: Come ON. Give it some juice, gramma!







OB-EWAN: Ok, come on, and hurry. These droids are on me like Swamp Rot on one of the Hutt's dancing Twi-Leks!!







In one incredible move. MANAKIN swings in behind the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS, blasting the hey out of them one by one until there is only one left.







ARTOO: Holy ****!







ARTOO lets out a HOWL as MANAKIN accelerates past the last TRICYCLE FIGHTER, slams on the brakes (since when is there friction in space?) , flips the fighter around, and BLASTS the living SNOT out of the Fighter in front. Meanwhile OB-EWAN yawns, drumming his fingers on his dashboard, watching his former apprentice act all macho. MANAKIN looks behind him.







MANAKIN: How many more back there I need to give an a**whuppin to, Artoo? (Artoo beeps once) One....(Artoo Beeps again) Two...(Artoo Beeps a third time)...Three.....Any more? (Artoo beeps five more times rapidly) Uh oh! Very funny, Artoo.







OB-EWAN: Manakin, you have eight on your tail!







MANAKIN: Dude, my Artoo unit can count! Tell me something I don't know!







OB-EWAN: Four more closing from your left.







MANAKIN: Thanks a lot!







OB-EWAN: Break right and go high.







MANAKIN: I'm going low and left.







OB-EWAN shakes his head, knowing from having read the script just how LOW and LEFT Manakin would be going in the future.











OB-EWAN:(To himself) He still has much to learn.







MANAKIN swoops low across a TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESTAR, dodging flack as ARTOO tries to get a sentence out







MANKIN: Hang on, Artoo...Ob-Ewan, do you copy? I'm going to peep through the keyhole.







OB-EWAN: Too dangerous! First Jedi rule: ?Don't get caught.?







MANAKIN: Sorry, no choice. Listen, you could come down here and thin their ranks a little.







OB-EWAN drops in behind the TINKER MULCHER FIGHTERS as they chase MANAKIN. AMNOT beeps to OB-EWAN







OB-EWAN: C'mon Metamucil...keep me regular...steady, steady...now, break left!!







OB-EWAN fires as he swings back and forth behind the TINKER MULCHER FIGHTERS, blowing away four. MANAKIN heads for a trench along the side of a TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESTAR. He flies into the trench, which ends in a conning tower with a small slit between two main struts. Laser fire erupts everywhere around MANAKIN's STARFIGHTER.







CUE BALL: Manakin, switch on your targeting computer.







OB-EWAN: You'll never get through there, it's too tight.







MANAKIN: I've heard that before.







ARTOO whines nervously







MANAKIN: Don't worry, Artoo...I've done this before. He winks







OB-EWAN(VO): Use the Force, Luke. Reach out with your feelings.







MANAKIN: What the hell?! Who's Luke?







ARTOO squeals in a panic. On the VDU screen, ARTOO's squeal reads out: ?WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT/NO, WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT/WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT, ANYMORE!







MANAKIN: Wrong thought, Artoo.







MANAKIN slips through the narrow gap, sparks showering behind where he scraped through. The trailing MULCHER FIGHTERS crash in a fabulous display of pyrotechnics







MANAKIN: I made it through..barely. (He surveys the damage to his fighter's paint job...) DAMN. And I just GOT this custom job done on a special Jedi edition of REPUBLICAN CHOPPER!!







OB-EWAN continues to fire on the MULCHER FIGHTERS, chasing them into the continuing explosion at the ?keyhole?. A CLONE FIGHTER is hit and EXPLODES, the pilot flying off into space. Finally, OB-EWAN breaks off and pulls up alongside MANAKIN. CLONE POOL HALL SQUAD SEVEN joins the fight with the TINKER FIGHTERS







CUE BALL: There are too many of them.







FOUR BALL: Two droids, corner pocket.







FOUR BALL'S fighter rolls into position behind two MULCHER FIGHTERS and zaps them. They explode in a hail of fiery shrapnel...meanwhile four more loop in behind FOUR BALL'S CLONE FIGHTER







FOUR BALL: They're all over me, get them off my...







The MULCHER FIGHTERS get into position behind FOUR BALL and start using their MULCHER BLADES to shred his fighter. Pieces fly off in a stream behind the MULCHERS







FOUR BALL: I'm poppin the top, Colonel!!







FOUR BALL'S escape pod rockets away from the FIGHTER, just before the MULCHER FIGHTERS chew into the engines, which DETONATE, taking out the MULCHERS and a TRICYCLE FIGHTER







MANAKIN: I'm going to help them!







OB-EWAN: No! They are doing their jobs, so we can do ours. Now, let's go.







Another CLONE FIGHTER is hit and bursts into flames. A MULCHER FIGHTER raises its head to find a worthy target and locks on MANAKIN and OB-EWAN's FIGHTERS, firing MISSILES at them







MANAKIN: Missiles! Pull up!







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN break right and left, and the missiles follow them. The Missiles chase them for a while, as they try to dodge them.







OB-EWAN: Okay, Manakin, it's time to eject our spare parts cannisters.







MANAKIN: But we do that every mission...







OB-EWAN: It works, doesn't it? Okay, AM-NOT, eject the spare parts cannisters.







MANAKIN: Artoo, eject the ******* cannisters!







ARTOO: Whatever you say, boss.







The two fighters eject their spare parts cannisters, which the missiles collide with and explode







OB-EWAN: They overshot us . . .







MANAKIN: What?! They exploded!







OB-EWAN: Sorry. That was the next line in the script. AM-NOT, can you find me some good tunes on the radio?







Beehtoven's Fifth blares over the speakers







OB-EWAN: All right, AM-NOT. No, no. Nothing too fancy.







MANAKIN grins. He loves classical music







MANAKIN: More missiles coming in at 05. I can handle these.







ANAKIN spins his starfighter. The missiles spin and collide







MANAKIN: We got 'em. Artoo!







Two more missiles are tracking track Ob-Ewan.







OBI-WAN: Flying is for droids.







ORVILLE AND WILBUR WRIGHT, FIVE BIRDS AND A BUNCH OF FLYING INSECTS: It is?







Suddenly, OBI-WAN shudders, and his ship starts to plummet toward the surface of the Trade Federation Cruiser. The trailing missiles fly into what looks like debris, and detonate. Five silver eggs fly out of the debris and attach themselves to the ship. The eggs hatch, revealing SMALL BUZZARDS that begin to crawl across the surface like Spider-Man.







OB-EWAN: I'm hit! Manakin?







MANAKIN: I see them . . . Buzzards.







The BUZZARDS crawl across Obi-Wan's ship in a circle and start to tear it apart. SPARKS ERUPT where the BUZZARDS break into the wiring. One of the BUZZARDS goes after AMNOT.







OB-EWAN: Amnot, be careful. You have one . . .







AMNOT's head gets ripped off and flies away.







OB-EWAN: Oh dear. And I'd just installed a bar fridge, too. They're shutting down all the controls.







MANAKIN: You think? Move to the right so I can get a clear shot at them.







OB-EWAN: The mission. Get to the Command Ship. Get the Cameo! I'm running out of tricks here.







MANAKIN: Tricks? You were using tricks?



BOY: Silly Jedi Rabbi, Trix are for kids!



OB-EWAN: Shut up and get on with it. (Takes the final bite of his Trix cereal and drinks the milk)



MANAKIN moves into position just off OB-EWAN's left side and angles his ship so his guns are pointing at the DROIDS crawling over OB-EWAN?s Starfighter.



OB-EWAN: Be careful. I'm still paying this thing off!



MANAKIN fires and vaporizes the TWO BUZZDARDS, along with the left wing of Obi-Wan's ship.



OB-EWAN: (continuing) #@*$%!!!!



MANAKIN: Steady . . . steady . . . there are children watching...



OB-EWAN: Manakin, hold your fire . . . hold your fire. You're not helping here.



MANAKIN: I agree, bad idea. Swing right . . . ease over . . . steady . . .



JAB-JAB RINKS: Steady, steady.



MANAKIN: I thought study3600 killed your froggy a** back in the last Humorous Version.



JAB-JAB: fistofthedarklord didn't want me dead so he wrote me back into the story, plus I need to be in the Clown Wars, Mesa have lotsascenes dere. Mesa even getta girlfriend! Ya-hoooo!



MANAKIN: Well go wait on Coruscant until your next scene.



JAB-JAB: Okeday.



MANAKIN: Say that one more time.



JAB-JAB: Okeday.



Whack



OB-EWAN: Don't even think of trying that stunt you pulled again, Manakin.



MANAKIN: But Master, it-



OB-EWAN: You're grounded.










MANAKIN: What?







OB-EWAN: And the damage is coming out of your allowance.







MANAKIN: WHAT!?







OB-EWAN: Wait . . . wait . . . I can't see a thing! My cockpit's fogging. They're all over me, Anakin.







MANAKIN grins, lining up OB-EWAN's cockpit in his crosshairs.







MANAKIN: Move to the right.







OB-EWAN: Hold on, Manakin. You're going to get us both killed! Get out of here. There's nothing more you can do.







MANAKIN: I'm not leaving without you, Master.







MANAKIN moves his ship next to OB-EWAN's and tries to physically knock the BUZZARDS off. There are five left. He manages to get one off, but badly dents OB-EWAN's ship in the process. One of the BUZZARDS tears apiece off of the front of OB-EWAN's ship. Flames burst out, and more smoke billows out, obscuring the Jedi's view.







OB-EWAN: I know I said I wanted a nice barbecue this weekend, but not here!







MANAKIN knocks off three of the BUZZARDS and the fourth crawls out onto MANAKIN's ship and starts attacking ARTOO. ARTOO fights the BUZZARD.







ARTOO: Die rebel scum!







OBI-EWAN: Blast it ... I can't see . . . my controls are gone.







MANAKIN doesn't hear. He is sitting back in his cockpit, beer in one hand and popcorn in the other, using the hands free phone kit to make a call to his booky to put money down on the outcome of the fight between ARTOO and the BUZZARD.







MANAKIN: Get 'em, Artoo. Watch out!







OB-EWAN: Artoo, hit the buzz droid's center eye.







ARTOO extends an arm and aims a stream of electricity at the swerving BUZZARD. The BUZZARD is hit squarely in the eye and falls off the ship.







MANAKIN: Yeah, you got him!







OB-EWAN: Great, Artoo. A bit cliche, but great.







MANAKIN: Stay on my wing . . . the General's Command Ship is at 12 o'clock.







OB-EWAN: What o'clock?







MANAKIN: 12 o'clock.







OB-EWAN: What's at 12 o'clock?







MANAKIN: The General's Command Ship.







OB-EWAN: What?







MANAKIN: (annoyed) Straight ahead.







OB-EWAN: That's better. Now say the line properly.







MANAKIN: (sighs) Stay on my wing . . . the General's Command Ship is dead ahead. Easy . . . pull up ... Head for the hangar.







OB-EWAN: Have you noticed the shields are still up?







MANAKIN: Oh?!? Sorry, Master.







OB-EWAN: (to himself) Why me?







MANAKIN streaks ahead of OB-EWAN's disintegrating Jedi Fighter and blasts the shield generator. It SPARKS and EXPLODES.







OB-EWAN: Oh, I have a bad feeling about this.







Whack







A jedi starship blows up! Ob-Ewan is panicking


OB-EWAN: Anakin! Are you okay! Anakin? Speak to me!







MANAKIN: Yea! I'm fine! That was somebody else.







OB-EWAN: O Manakin, thank goodness you're back. There were whispers...that you've been killed. I've been living with unbearable dread.







MANAKIN: Look out for the lasers!







They barely avoid in coming fire from a huge battleship. George Lucas is cackling evilly behind the controls.







GEORGE LUCAS: AND THAT'S FOR MOCKING ME!!!!







Ahead is a TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER with batlike DROID VULTURE FIGHTERS stalking around on the hull. The VULTURE FIGHTERS transform into flight configuration, lift off the CRUISER, and attack the JEDI STARFIGHTERS.







MANAKIN: Come on, Master.







OB-EWAN: Not this time. There's too much at stake. We need help. Odd Ball, do you copy?







ODD BALL: (OS) Copy, Red Leader.







OB-EWAN: Mark my position and form your squad up behind me . . .







SC 08 INT. ODD BALL'S FIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







ODD BALL: We're on your tail, General Kenobi. Set S-foils in attack position.







OB-EWAN: Good. how about dip stick? Do YOU copy?







Dip Stick: Copy, Red Leader.







OB-EWAN: Cover us. We're going on. Moron! Do you copy?







No answer.







OB-EWAN: MORON!!! ...HEY! ANAKIN! I'm talking to you!







MANAKIN: Master!!!!















SC 09 INT. MAIN HANGAR-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







The shield door drops away, and OB-EWAN crashes on the deck of the hangar bay, engulfed in a FANTAIL OF SPARKS. A set of blast doors starts SLAMMING shut across the hangar opening, as material is sucked into space.







MANAKIN maneuvers around the oncoming junk and flies into the hangar just as the blast doors SLAM shut.



OB-EWAN ignites his light saber and cuts his way out of the cockpit. He jumps dear just as his ship EXPLODES. BATTLE DROIDS rush at him from all directions.







MANAKIN jumps out of his ship and cuts his way through the BATTLE DROIDS to where OB-EWAN is fighting. ARTOO pops out of the ship and follows MANAKIN.







OB-EWAN: Artoo, locate the Chancellor.







MANAKIN: Tap into the ship's computers.







They cut down the last of the droids and follow ARTOO over to a computer wall socket. The two JEDI fight off FOUR MORE DROIDS as ARTOO tries to find the Chancellor. Finally, a HOLOGRAM of the Trade Federation ship appears.







OB-EWAN: The Chancellor's signal is coming from right there. The observation platform at the top of that spire.







MANAKIN: I sense Count Dooku . . .







OB-EWAN: I sense a trap.







MANAKIN: Next move?







OB-EWAN: Spring the trap.







MANAKIN: (annoyed) Well...duh. Yeah. Spring the trap. Sweet. Okay let's go.







SC 10 INT. WIDE HALLWAY-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







MANAKIN: ARTOO, I need you to stay with the ship. (tosses comm link to Artoo, who catches it.







SC 11 INT. BRIDGE-TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER







GENERALLY GRIEVOUSLY enters the bridge of the TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER. He stands in front of the NEMATODIAN CAPTAIN, a Kaleesh Kabana smoking in his hand.



.



GG: *cough* What's the situation, Captain? *Wheeze cough*







NEMATODIAN CAPTAIN: You might have emphysema, General. You should lay off the cigars.







GG: You fool! *cough* Emphysema or not, I can't "kick" the habit. [kicks CAPTAIN in the knees, brings his head an inch from CAPTAIN's face, hacks up smoke, blows the smoke into CAPTAIN's face]







NEMATODIAN CAPTAIN: *cough* TWO Jedi are dancing in the main hangar bay. If you look at my monitor, only pain you'll find there.







GG: Hard to watch. *wheeze*







CAPTAIN: And hard NOT to watch! Noooooooooo...







GG: Tell me it isn't...







CAPTAIN: The Jedi macarena! [takes cigar from GG] *cough*







GG: *cough* Just as Count Doodu predicted. *loud hiccup*











SC 12 INT. WIDE HALLWAY-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER











The two JEDI wait for an elevator to arrive, shouting in unison "HEEEEEY MACARENA" and concluding their bizarre dance ritual. OB-EWAN impatiently keeps pressing the buttons.







OB-EWAN: (in homer simpson voice) Lousy rotten no good elevator! Oh!!!







They turn around and see they are face to face with THREE DESTROYER DROIDS.







MANAKIN: Hey do you know if the elevators working.







The DROIDS start blasting away. Manakin deflects the bolts. OB-EWAN frantically pushes the elevator button several more times.







MANAKIN: Destroyers!!







OB-EWAN: Yes Manakin, don't bother with them they're trying to blast down the doors, see?







Finally the door opens, and they rush inside under a hail of laser bolts. The elevator door slides shut. The JEDI turn to see BATTLE DROIDS standing behind them.







BATTLE DROID: Drop your weapons! I said drop 'em.







The JEDI activate their brightsabers and destroy all the BATTLE DROIDS.







SC 13 INT. WIDE HALLWAY-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







ARTOO notices two SUPER TINKER DRONES heading his way. He hides behind a JEDI STARFIGHTER.

SC 14 INT-ELEVATOR-TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







OB-EWAN: You're nervous. Relax. You haven't been this nervous well since we fell into that pile of pudu.







MANAKIN: You fell into that nightmare, Master and I rescued you. It took eight months and hundreds of showers to get that smell off you, remember?







Suddenly the elevator stops.







The BACK elevator door opens. A MAINTENANCE MAN pushes in a big FLOOR BUFFER, and presses the button for Ground floor.







MAINTENANCE MAN: I'm sorry, but this elevator is going to the ground floor before it will take you guys up. Priority, you know.







MANAKIN slices through the ceiling in a circle, force pushes the cut section of ceiling up and out, and OB-EWAN and MANAKIN shoot upward.







MAINTENANCE MAN (sings): Loneliness is such sad affair.......

SC 15 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT- TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







Manaki and Ob-Ewan struggle to hang on to the window ledge of the elevator shaft. The door to the elevator shaft is pried open, and two TINKER DRONES appear in the doorway and look down at the TWO JEDI. They point their guns at them.







DROID ONE: Hands up.







OB-EWAN: All things considered, that probably wouldn't be such a good idea right now. Artoo, we need you to make that elevator go up. We need a ride! Artoo!







SC 16 INT. MAIN HANGAR- TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







Artoo stops cowering and decides that he wants an opportunity finally to do something else heroic in this saga, so he races to the controls and



makes the elevators go up.







SC 17 INT. ELEVATOR CAR







MAINTENANCE MAN: (continuing to sing):....There are times when you will find I have almost lost my mind-whadda-I'm supposed to be going down, not up!







He tries pressing then G button again and again but to no avail. He pulls EMERGENCY STOP but Artoo overrides it. The MAINTENANCE MAN tries Open Door but it does mot work..He sings:







MAINTENANCE MAN: God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy........







SC 18 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT- TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







When the elevator comes up MANAKIN AND OB-EWAN hop on as the elevator car impales the two TINKER DRONES to the shaft wall. The TWO JEDI quickly drop back through the hole in the ceiling.







MAINTENANCE MAN: Are you two responsible for this travesty? I have important work to do. This place would fall apart without me.







OB-EWAN: We have to rescue the Cameo of the Republic, Sir. We have more important work to do. Our work trumps yours. You must understand this. And I've read the script and after we rescue the Cameo, soon there won't be much of a ship left for you to clean.







SC 19 INT. MAIN HANGAR-TRADING CONVENTON CRUIZER







THE TWO SUPER DOOPER TINKER DRONES see Artoo and walk towards him. When they get close enough to him, Artoo suddenly sprays them with a a few coatings of oil, and then uses his flamethrower to light them on fire, shouting with glee. Then when their charred metal bodies fall to the floor, he spits on them and roasts a marshmallow kebob over the fire of their burning alive bodies.







ARTOO: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


SC 20 INT. GENERAL'S QUARTER'S-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







The elevator door opens and the TWO JEDI carefully make their way into the main room of the General's Quarters.



At the far end sits SUPREME CAMEO PALPITATINE. MANAKIN and OB-EWAN move toward the CAMEO.



As they get closer to PALPITATINE, they see a very distressed look on the CAMEO's face.







OB-EWAN: (bows) Cameo.







MANAKIN: Are you all right?







PALPITATINE: Oh, I'm just dandy. There's nothing more fun that being held hostage against your will, threatened with impending death and the destruction of your Empire.(PAUSE) Did I say Empire? I meant Republic, of course. Oh hey, is that Count Doodu?







PALPITATINE makes a small gesture with his hand. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN turn around. The elevator DOORS CAN BE HEARD OPENING AND CLOSING as COUNT DOODU strides into the room. He is above the Jedi, standing on a balcony, with two SUPER BATTLE DROIDS. The Jedi turn to see him. He looks down on the Jedi.







OB-EWAN: (quietly to Manakin) This time we will do it together.







MANAKIN: Oh? I was kinda hoping you'd face him alone. He owned me in Attack of The Clones.







COUNT DOODU jumps down to the main level and falls on his face.







DOODU: Ooohhh THAT'S going to leave a bruise.







PALPITATINE: Get help! You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.







OB-EWAN: Cameo Palpitatine, Sith Lords are our specialty. Would you like him sliced, or diced? And I can get you some fries with that.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN throw off their cloaks and ignite their brightsabres.







COUNT DOODU: Your swords, please, Master Jedi. We don't want to make a mess of things in front of the Cameo.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN move toward DOODU.







OB-EWAN: You won't get away this time, Doodu.







DOODU (chuckling quietly): You do not seriously think that a Hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron? There are none who can. Against the power of Mordor, there can be no victory. We must join with him, Gandalf. We must join with Sauron.



It would be wise, my friend.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN exchange a startled glance for a moment, then shrug slightly and charge COUNT DOODU. A great sword fight full of flashy moves and counter-moves ensues.







COUNT DOODU: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected a way of pain! I've been looking forward to this.







MANAKIN: My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.







COUNT DOODU: Wasn't that two weeks ago?







MANAKIN: This movie was made in 2005. Clone Wars started in 2008. That makes a bit of a difference.







COUNT DOODU: Good. Twice the pride, double your pleasure.







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN exchange a glance. DOODU blinks in surprise.







MANAKIN: Your Doublemint joke needs a little work.







COUNT DOODU: Uh, howabout twice the price, double the flavour....?







OB-EWAN: Uh-huh.







COUNT DOODU: Look I'm evil, right? I'll say whatever I damn well please! I could shout "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers!" as a battle-cry if I felt like it and there's nothing you could do about it.







MANAKIN: "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers"? That doesn't sound very evil.







COUNT DOODU: Have you ever changed a messy diaper?







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN consider this for a moment. In the background PALPITATINE grimaces.







OB-EWAN: He's got a point, Manakin.







DOODU lunges at the JEDI and they fall back . . .







COUNT DOODU: (continuing) Your moves are clumsy, McNobi . . . too predictable. You'll have to do better.







OB-EWAN: DO you talk all your opponents to death?







As the battle proceeds, OB-EWAN and COUNT DOODU are growing tired. MANAKIN is stronger as he becomes angry. MANAKIN continues to drive the attack on DOODU. COUNT DOODU throws OB-EWAN back using the Force.



MANAKIN and COUNT DOODU move up the stairs. As they reach the upper landing of the General's Quarters, MANAKIN leaps over COUNT DOODU. OB-EWAN reaches the top of the stairs, destroying TWO SUPER BATTLE DROIDS. COUNT DOODU holds OB-EWAN in the air using the Force as he turns and kicks MANAKIN out of frame. OB-EWAN is choking.



MANAKIN hits the archway.



DOODU sends OB-EWAN flying. The JEDI punches through three partitions then thuds against a huge post. Then using the Force Doodu brings a balcony down on the unconscious JEDI. MANAKIN continues to fight Doodu. Their fighting is fast and frenzied.







DOODU: You have anger. You have fear. But you don't use them.







MANAKIN: OK, if you insist.







MANAKIN lunges wildly at DOODU and their fight is even more fast and frenzied than before. Then Manakin slices off his hands and grabs DOODU's red brightsabre, crossing both blades at DOODU's neck.



MANAKIN: P'WNED!







PALPITATINE: Good, good. Kill him. Kill him now!







MANAKIN: But its not the Jedi way..he's unarmed. (Safricans) teehee UNARMED!







PALPITATINE: Dew it!







end-HEAD: DEW IT!



DEW IT! DEW IT!







MANAKIN: (Grins) ok, if you insist (ends Doodu's life) (Releases CAMEO)(Goes to feel OB-EWAN'S pulse.)







PALPITATINE:











MANAKIN: (Grins) ok, if you insist (ends Doodu's life) (Releases CAMEO)(Goes to feel OB-EWAN'S pulse.)







PALPITATINE:There's no time. Leave him or we'll never make it.







MANAKIN: You're probably right, but he needs to be in the rest of the movie-George says so.







PALPITATINE: (Rolls eyes) Fine. Strap him to your backside and let's go.











SC 21 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT, VERTICAL-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







MANAKIN, OB-EWAN, and PALPITATINE hang precariously on the side of the bottomless elevator shaft. OB-EWAN regains consciousness and tries to look around.







MANAKIN: Easy. . . . We're in a bit of a situation.







OB-EWAN: Oh really? I hardly noticed. So.... did I miss anything?







OB-EWAN looks down and sees PALPITATINE and the bottomless pit. They hear ARTOO BEEPING on Ob-Ewan's comlink. The ship begins to roll, causing the vertical shaft to move into a forty-five-degree angle. They hear the distant sounds of a muzak version of 'The Girl from Ipanema' floating down towards them.







MANAKIN: Hold on.







OB-EWAN: Wait. Do you hear that? What is that?







MANAKIN frowns but doesn't answer.







PALPITATINE: It's muzak. The pipe that nonsense endlessly throughout the Senate Chambers when there isn't a meeting. It's terribly annoying.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN look up to watch the elevator approach them at high speed, then OB-EWAN turns to MANAKIN.







OB-EWAN: (continuing) Oops.







MANAKIN: Artoo, Artoo, shut down the elevator!







PALPITATINE grabs MANAKIN's comlink.







PALPITATINE: And get that infernal racket shut off.







OB-EWAN: Too late! Jump!







They fall about three hundred feet before the tilt of the ship catches up with them, and they hit the side of the shaft and slide at great speed just ahead of the elevator. The shaft continues to rotate until it is completely horizontal.







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN take out and throw grappling hooks. The hooks catch and they continue to fall. All the doors in the elevator shaft open up, and the group swings through the open door into a hallway. The elevator roars by.







SC 22 INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







MANAKIN, OB-EWAN, and PALPITATINE fly through the elevator door and land. MANAKIN and OB-EWAN land in a crumpled heap, but PALPITATINE lands on his feet gracefully without so much as a single hair out of place. The DARK SIDE may be evil, but it knows how to look good.







OB-EWAN: Let's see if we can find something in the hangar bay that's still flyable. Or crashable. Just so long as it gets us out of here. Come on.







MANAKIN: Artoo, get down here. Artoo, do you copy?







SC 23 INT. MAIN HANGAR-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







As the Federation Cruiser continues to rotate, ARTOO SQUEALS and pokes a periscope out of a pile of broken BATTLE DROID PARTS. He looks around then rockets up out of the debris. We don't get to see where he goes, or how he manages to perform this task because the scene will suddenly and inexplicably change. Get used to this happening.







SC 24 NT. BRIDGE-TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER







CHEF GUARD: General, we found the dancing Jedi...they're doing the electric slide in hallway 328







GG: NOOOOO! *cough hack* Send in Hay Krarles! I'll show those dancing fools!







SC 25 INT. HALLWAY-TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER







They run down the hallway. Suddenly, ray shields drop around them, putting them in an electronic box in the middle of the hallway.







MANAKIN: Ray shields!







The Jedi look at each other in disbelief.







OB-EWAN takes a deep breath.







OB-EWAN: Wait a minute, how'd this happen! I'm smarter than this.







MANAKIN: We're.







OB-EWAN: What?







MANAKIN: *We're* smarter than this. You alone? Don't think so.







OB-EWAN: Given the situation, I'll humor you: *we're* smarter than this.







MANAKIN: Apparently not, Master. This is the oldest trap in the book . . . Well ... I was distracted. What's your excuse?







OB-EWAN: Oh, so all of a sudden it's my fault. Distracted? That's your excuse?







MANAKIN: You're the *Master*. I'm just a beautiful hero.







OB-EWAN: I'm open to suggestions here.







MANAKIN: (muttering) Yeah right.







OB-EWAN: How'd this happen! How'd this happen! How'd this happen! (slaps himself silly)







MANAKIN: Seeing as my powers have double dare triple lundy quadruplified, I say we should-







PALPATATINE: Why don't we let them take us to General Greedy. Perhaps with Count Doodu's demise, we can get Greedy to go bye-bye.







The Jedi look at each other in disbelief.







MANAKIN: I say . . . patience.







OB-EWAN: Patience! That's your plan, is it?







MANAKIN: I know that's usually your tired old line, but I'm feeling dull today.







PALPATATINE: Noooooo, don't you get dull on me boy! I'm counting on you! FEEL your ANGER! (bites his lip)







OB-EWAN: Back to your brilliant plan...







MANAKIN: Yes, Artoo will be along in a few moments and he'll release the ray shields . . .







ARTOO comes skidding across the hallway and bashes into the opposite wall. He takes a moment to compose himself.







MANAKIN: (continuing) See! No problem. Who da man? Who da man? (does a dance)







OB-EWAN: (sigh) Always on the groove.







Suddenly several doorways open, revealing TWO DESTROYER DROIDS. SIXTEEN SUPER DUPER BATTLE DROIDS emerge from behind the DESTROYER DROIDS.







ARTOO turns and zaps one of the SUPER DUPER BATTLE DROIDS who then kicks ARTOO over.







SUPER DUPER BATTLE DROID: Don't move, dummy. Ouch! Zap this.







OB-EWAN: Do you have a plan B?



SC 26 EXT. BRIDGE- TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER







OB-EWAN McNOBI, MANAKIN, CAMEO PALP and ARTOO are captured by GENERAL GRIEVOUSLY. They stand before the ALIEN DROID GENERAL.







GG: OH YES! General McNobi, the Negotiator. As if I haven't fought you a hundred times before. (Rolls eyes) Thanks, George, that was real foresight. *hack* We've been waiting for you. [coughing fit ensues]. You call that a RESCUE! How lame! *cough*







A RATTLE DROID walks to GENERAL GRIEVOUSLY and hands him the two JEDI's brightsabers.







OB-EWAN: That depends on your point of view...you twisted FREAK! Hah!







GG: And Manakin Streetwalker...I was expecting someone with your reputation to be a little older.







MANAKIN: General Grievously...Man, your breath stinks!







GG: You Jedi scum!







OB-EWAN: (nudges MANAKIN in the ribs) Manakin...stick to your lines. We have a job to do.







MANAKIN: Sorry, Master. General Grievously, Supreme Creampuff of the droid armies. Your cough is worse then I expected.







GG: Thank you for your concern, scum! *hack wheeze* Your brightsabres will make a fine addition to my Franklin Mint collection!







OB-EWAN: Not this time...I need them for my collection.







MANAKIN: Artoo.







ARTOO creates a distraction by extending his arms, squirting ketchup and mustard in every direction. OB-EWAN snatches his brightsaber from the general's hand by using the farce and cutting his bonds. He spins around and cuts MANAKIN free.







GG: Crush them! Make them eat pastries! [goes into another coughing fit]







The DROIDS surround them, wearing pastry chef hats, trays full of pastries in front of them. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN knock the trays out of their hands, pastries flying everywhere. The bridge degenerates into a food fight. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN start flinging eclairs and danishes at GENERAL GRIEVOUSLY's MASTER CHEF GUARDS.







GG: Stay and watch the Food Network! *wheeze*







OB-EWAN throws a danish at a CHEF GUARD. The MASTER CHEF GUARD slips on the ketchup and mustard all over the bridge deck and falls on it's metal end. OB-EWAN gets whacked a couple of times with some stale donuts.







OB-EWAN: Where's Homer Simpson when you need him!







HOMER SIMPSON: Doh! Mmmmm...donuts!







GENERAL GRIEVOUS and OB-EWAN MCNOBI stare each other in the face, those eyes piercing into each other, each daring the other to back down. OB-EWAN gives a heroic effort but soon he gives into pressure and blinks!







GENERAL GRIEVOUS: HA! Tee hee! You lose General MCNOBI.







OB-EWAN: Well you don?t have to rub it in my face. And at any rate we've chopped to bits your stupid chefs. No more food poisoning republic officials for them.







GENERAL GRIEVOUS: No avoiding the subject loser. You blinking sissy.







OB-EWAN: Pardones moi? At least I have a decent name! Grievous? How long did it take you to think THAT up.







GENERAL GREEDY: ITS GREEDY you knucklehead. GREEDY! Why doesn?t anybody listen to me? I am GREEDY!







OB-EWAN: Do you know what time it is Manie-kin?







GENERAL GREEDY: Oh that's funny. VERY funny. Ha ha. When Count Doodu arrives we're going to wipe the floor with you.







OB-EWAN: You're too late. Doodoo is flushed!







GENERAL GREEDY: You've been waiting all day to say that haven't you? Well no matter. I'll whup you both. I'll slap you silly. I'll beat you. I'll make you sniffle. I'm the best. I'm the baddest. I am. Unstoppable.







OB-EWAN: We will defeat you.







MANNIE-KIN: Yes. We will. We have to power of teamwork!







GENERAL GREEDY: No, you silly fools. I cannot be beaten and do you know why?







They shake their heads.







GENERAL GREEDY: Come closer and I will tell you. Come on, come on.







They come closer to the general and listen as he whispers to them while looking out of the corner of his eyes at the half chopped up droids still standing in the corners as if he suspected them of trying to listen in:







GENERAL GREEDY: I am digital.







OBI-EWAN: What?







GENERAL GREEDY: I am not real







MANNIE-KIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Its impossible!







GENERAL GREEDY: Don't you feel dumb now silly jedi?







GENERAL GREEDY breaks out into a dance. The jedi look foolish.







OB-EWAN: He looked so real.







GENERAL GREEDY dances about until he crashes out a window. The swearing, annoyed Alien Droid General clutches for dear life to a side of the space ship and crawls to a pod.







GENERAL GREEDY: Time to abandon ship. To the spa! Ha! Ha! Ha!











He flies off into the night.







GENERAL GRIEVOUSLY-







GENERAL GREEDY: GREEDY!







Oops, heh, GENERAL GREEDY pulls a row of switches, and one by one the escape pods are jettisoned. GREEDY enters one.







SC 27 INT-ESCAPE POD-SPACE







GREEDY: Now for my massage!







He lies face down on a table and presses a button. A MASSEUSE DROID goes to work.







DROID: Would you like a mud bath, Mr. Greedy?







GREEDY: Are you nuts?! The mud would clog up my gears!











SC 28 INT. BRIDGE-TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN go over to the navigator's chair







OB-EWAN: All the escape pods have been jettisoned! Greedy! Can you fly this thing?







MANAKIN: Can I! I can fly anything with wings, jets, helicopter blades or repulsorlift! Just watch me, Master!







PALPITATINE: Soon, you will call me Master, my young apprentice!







OB-EWAN: What?







PALPITATINE: No one in the room, don't worry. I was thinking of someone else named Manakin.







MANAKIN: Oh.







OB-EWAN: We're falling out of orbit! We lost heat shields!







MANAKIN: Well at least we're still flying a whole ship.







Just then half the ship breaks off.







MANAKIN: Or at least half a ship.







The ship breaks into two once more.







MANAKIN: I mean a fourth.







The ship breaks in half again.







MANAKIN: I'm going to shut up now.







The ship descends into the atmosphere, afire.







OB-EWAN: Extend all drag fins and what's left of the landing gear...







MANAKIN: I see fire ships. Left and right.







The ship (or what is left of it) crash lands on a runway.







INT. BRIDGE-TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER







Airbags inflate as OB-EWAN, MANAKIN and the CAMEO jerk forward.







MANAKIN: Another happy landing.







Whack







OB-EWAN: Give me your license, boy







MANAKIN: What? No! Why?







OB-EWAN: You just crashed half a bleeping ship that is six miles long in the middle of Coruscant. No more drinking for you, my intoxicated paddleone.







MANAKIN: No! Not my license! Please. Anything but that.







PALPITATINE: I think the jedi dont trust you maniquine. They don't see what a great driver you really are.







MANAKIN: I'll show them. I'm going to be the greatest driver ever. And ITS MANAKIN!

SC 29 EXT. CORUSCANT-SENATE OFFICE BUILDING-LANDING PLATFORM-LATE AFTERNOON



The small Jedi Shuttle carrying PALPITATINE and the JEDI arrives at the landing platform. There are a DOZEN SENATORS, including BAILY SMITS, JAB JAB RINKS, and SEE-STINKY-O, waiting for them. PALPITATINE, R2-D2, and MANAKIN get out. OB-EWAN and MACE stay in the doorway of the Jedi Shuttle.



OB-EWAN: Now go talk to the nice people, Manakin. And answer any little questions they have and explain the incident with the crashed space ship and maybe we'll talk about this.





MANAKIN:...do I have too?



OB-EWAN: Yes. And don't stand there and pout and possibly stick your tongue at them as you did last time.



MANAKIN: All right. But you owe me . . . and not for saving your skin for the tenth time . . .



OB-EWAN: Ninth time . . . that business with that dialogue George Lucas wanted me to say doesn't count. I'll see you at the briefing.



MANAKIN walks away from OB-EWAN.



The CAMEO and his entourage approach MACE.



MACE WlNDY: Cameo Palpitatine, what a welcome sight! Are you all right?



PALPITATINE: Yes, thanks to your two Jedi Knights. They killed Count Doodu, but General Greedy has escaped once again.



MACE WlNDY: General Greedy will run and hide as he always does when he is late for a sale at the mall. He is a pimp.



PALPITATINE: That maybe true, but with Count Doodu dead, he is the leader of the Droid Army, and I assure you, the Senate will vote to continue the war as long as Greedy is alive.



MACE WlNDY: Then the Jedi Council will make finding Greedy our highest priority. And in your honor we will slay Jab Jab Rinks for the welcome home feast



Jab Jab Rinks: Youssa what?! Canta wessa talk about dis?



The guards approach Jab Jab Rinks.



Jab Jab Rinks: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

SC 30 INT. NEW TOKYO... I MEAN, CORS-U-CANT-SENATE OFFICE BUILDING-MAIN HALLWAY... AND IT'S MORNING SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY, BUT NOT HERE!



MANAKIN is at the back of the crowd of SENATORS, talking with BAILY SMITS. C-THRUME scoots along ahead of them. R2-D2 has stopped off at a computer terminal with a sign above it labelled, "Name Changes For Those Who Feel Left Out Of The Loop".



BAILY SMITS: Dude! You so totally pwn'd Count Doodu! These Federation guys and their friends'll have to end this war...



PICARD: Not until the enemy is defeated, or surrenders to the Federation and her Alliance!



GL (o.s.): Someone get that guy off the set!



MANAKIN raises a hand in PICARD's direction... In an over-dramatic and overly-CGIed display of Force Lightning, MANAKIN blasts PICARD through a nearby window, and into low orbit around CORS-U-CANT.



PICARD (o.s.): There... Were... 5... Lights... Really...



MANAKIN: Got him, George.



GL (o.s.) Thanks, Manakin... And...



Whack



MANAKIN: Ow! What was that for???



GL (o.s.) That's Mister Lucas to you, pipsqueak.



MANAKIN looks all sorts of P.O.ed.



A RANDOM FAN IN THE FRONT ROW: Can we get on with this?



GL: (o.s.) Oh yeah... Right... Smitty?



BAILY: Manakin... How'd you do that???



MANAKIN: (deadpan) Mechanical hand.



BAILY: You sure it's not foreshadowing?



MANAKIN: (deadpan) Nope.



Whack



BAILY: Ow! Alright, Mister Lucas, alright... Sheesh... Uhm... Oh yeah! These Federation guys and their friends'll have to end this war and bring an end to the Cameo's dragonian security measures.



MANAKIN: I wish that were so, but the fighting is... Wait... Did you say "dragonian"?



BAILY: Did I? Huh... I guess I did... Someone didn't proofread again... (pulls out an index card) Oh... They edited it, but it never made the big script. (ahem) ...and bring an end to the Cameo's draconian security measures.



MANAKIN: That sounds better... Anyway... I wish that were so, but the fighting is going to continue until General Grievously...



GREVIOUSLY (o.s.): GENERAL GREEDY!



MANAKIN: (obviously annoyed) ...is spare parts. (mutters) Which could be sooner than the script states...



Whack



LI-GON: Mannie! What did I say about muttering?



MANAKIN: (turning a tomato shade of red, finishing the line through clenched teeth) The... Cameo.. is... very... clear... about... that.



Behind a row of large columns, a SHADOWY FIGURE follows the JEDI and the SENATOR.



BAILY: I'll do everything I can with the Senate.



MANAKIN nods, then waits. The SHADOWY FIGURE waits. BAILY waits.



MANAKIN: And...?



BAILY: I don't have a line yet.



MANAKIN: You don't?



The SHADOWY FIGURE clears her throat.



MANAKIN: Need a throat drop?



BAILY: That wasn't me...



MANAKIN: Wasn't me... Wonder who it was...



SHADOWY FIGURE: Maybe you should use your Jedi senses to figure it out...



MANAKIN: Shh! Shadowy figures are not meant to be heard, only to be... Well... Not seen, but sorta kinda seen... Now, let me think...



Some discordant piano notes are played... Something less John Williams-y and more 2-year-old-banging-on-piano-keys-y.



MANAKIN: What the... My Jedi senses are tingling! (to BAILY) I have to go check it out!



BAILY: (obviously annoyed) I'll go over therewith the others.



Anakin goes behind one of the giant columns to meet up with the SHADOWY FIGURE who it is revealed to be PATME AMADILLY. They embrace and kiss.



PATME: There were rumors that you had been killed, oh Manakin I was so worried.



MANAKIN: What is it? I sense somthing different. Is there someone else?



PATME: No, of course not.



Just then a long line of Clowntroopers walk by Patme, each one patting Patme's backside as he passes her.



MANAKIN: Right. So what's different, then?



PATME: Something wonderful has happened!



MANAKIN: You won the lottery?



PATME: I'm pregnant.



MANAKIN: That's wonderful!



PATME: Didn't I just use the word wonderful to describe it? Anyway, what are we going to do?



MANAKIN: We're not doing a thing, girl! I'm gonna be a father!!!! YIPPEEE!





SC 31 EXT. OOTAPOO-LANDING PLATFORM-DAY



A small NEMATODIAN SHUTTLE lands. BATTLE DROIDS surround the ramp as GENERAL GREEDY descends onto the platform, smoking a cigar. SUPER POWER RANGER G21 approaches.



SUPER POWER RANGER G21: Go go Power Rangers!



SUPER POWER RANGER G21 starts to hum the theme song and do some overly complicated faux-karate kicks and punches, punctuated by various grunts and yells.



GENERAL GREEDY: What are you doing?



SUPER POWER RANGER G21: Oh, sorry.



SUPER POWER RANGER G21 starts doing the Macarena. GENERAL GREEDY screams in pain, dropping his cigar.



GENERAL GREEDY: Not the Macarena! Those actors- I mean Jedi- they humiliated me! Cream Puffs! They did the Macarena too!



He twitches, and clutches his poor widdle cyborg head in pain. SUPER POWER RANGER G21 finally figures out that his boss doesn't like the Macarena, and stops.



GENERAL GREEDY: Ah, much better. So where is the Separatist Council?



SUPER POWER RANGER G21: This way, sir ...



GENERAL GREEDY runs away from SUPER POWER RANGER G21, in case it tries to dance again, and takes the elevator to an upper level. He enters a conference room and presses a series of buttons on the table, lights a new cigar, and bows.



SC 32 INT. OOTAPOO ROOM-GRAND CHAMBER-DAY



A hologram-this being such a high-tech society, you'd think they'd come up with something in color already! And what's with the static?- of Darth Chin appears.



GREEDY: Yes, Lord Sid-eee-oussssssss!



CHIN: Would you STOP CALLING me that?! That's CHIN to you!



GREEDY: Yes, Lord Chin.



DARTH CHIN: General Greedy, I suggest you move the Separatist leaders to Mustafarfaraway.



GENERAL GREEDY: I'm not interested in being whacked, so I won't question as to why you're sending them to a planet of volcanoes and lava. (he coughs) It will be done, My Lord.



Whack



Whack



GENERAL GREEDY: Heyyyyy!



LI-GON and DARTH CHIN high-five.



Whack



OB-EWAN: Ha! Did it again!



DARTH CHIN: It is a plot device, General. The end of the war is near, and I promise you, victory is assured. Just like the Red Sox.



The hologram of CHIN talks to GREEDY about the death of COUNT DOODU.



GENERAL GREEDY: But the loss of Count Doodu?



DARTH CHIN: His death was a necessary loss, a predictable one, which will ensure our victory. Wait, didn't I jut use the word ?assured??? What's the difference??? Where's my dictionary??



DARTH CHIN disappears off the hologram for a moment as he roots around for his dictionary. Various trinkets fall through the hologram.



DARTH CHIN: Ah, here we go. Assure: To inform positively, as to remove doubt. Ensure: To make sure or certain; insure. Soon, Greedy, I will have a new apprentice . . . one far younger and more powerful than Lord Tinnitus.

SC 33 INT. CORUSCANT-PADME'S APARTMENT-TWILIGHT



PADME stands in the balcony brushing her hair. ANAKIN leans against the wall, watching her lovingly.



ANAKIN: . . . every second I was thinking of you. Protecting the endless, nameless Outer Rim settlements became a torture . . . the battles were easy, the longing became unbearable . . . I've never been so happy as I am at this moment.



PADME: Annie, I want to have our baby back home on Naboo. We could go to the lake country where no one would know . . . where we would be safe. I could go early-and fix up the baby's room. I know the perfect spot, right by the gardens.



ANAKIN: You are so beautiful!



PADME: It's only because I'm so in love . . .



ANAKIN: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.



Then PATME sees MANAKIN isn't talking to her but looking admiring his own reflection in a mirror. She throws the comb at him and it bounces off his head.



PADME: So love has blinded you?



ANAKIN: Well, that's not exactly what I meant . . .



PADME: But it's probably true!



ANAKIN: Probably!



They laugh.



ANAKIN: I haven't at you laughed in so long . . .



PADME: Neither have I...wait a minute! You weren't laughing with me?!



ANAKIN: (only hearing the first part of what she said) That's because you've stopped wearing those stupid hair dos for this movie.



PADME: Don't. Not with the hairdos. I'll break a mirror over your head.



SC 34 POLIO MASSES MEDICAL CENTER-MANAKIN'S DREAM



MANAKIN is watching PATME give birth. He (MANAKIN, not PATME) is screaming, but only becasue she is giving birth to OB-EWAN's child.



MANAKIN: Patme! Patme! How could you do this to me? Is this a plot device? An April fool's joke? Patme! I love you!



PATME: Well, what can I say? You left me for FIVE MONTHS, with nobody except a few troopers--I mean, nobody!



She grins wickedly.



PATME: (cont.) Except Ob-Ewan, though how I ended up carrying his child while he was under siege with you I have no clue.



PATME screams and dies.



SC 35 CROISSANT-PATME'S APARTMENT-NIGHT(WHAT? YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DAY? HA!)



MANAKIN wakes up from his nightmare. He is covered in sweat, however still looks dashingly handsome to all of the fangirls in the audience. As an added bounus, he is shirtless.



FANGIRLS IN AUDIENCE: It's a dream come true!



Anyhow, MANAKIN looks over at PATME, then at her rounded belly. He shudders.



MANAKIN: Anyone but Ob-Ewan.



He goes downstairs. PATME wakes up and follows him.



SC 36 EXT. CARGOPANTS-PATME'S APARTMENT-VERANDA-NIGHT



MANAKIN walks down a flight of stairs onto a large veranda. The vast city planet of Cargopants, smoldering from the battle we saw in Clone Wars, Volume II, is spread out before him. He is distraught. PATME descends the stairs and joins MANAKIN on the veranda. She takes his hand (the real one this time). He doesn't look at her.



PATME: What's bothering you?



MANAKIN: Um...nothing.



MANAKIN touches the piece of Zucchini around Patme's neck, that he gave her when he was only a little boy.



MANAKIN: I thought you didn't like this thing.



PATME: Well, I don't. I only wear it because you gave- Manakin! You're avoiding the subject. How long is it going to take for us to be honest with eachother?



MANAKIN: It was a dream.



PATME: Bad?



MANAKIN, though unseen by PATME, grimaces



MANAKIN: It was about you. You, um, die in childbirth.



PATME: Is there more? Anything about Ob-Ewan?



MANAKIN: No...no, of course not.



PATME: Good.



MANAKIN:(suspicious) Why?



PATME: Oh, well, he's your mentor, your best friend. You must, heh, dream about him too, right?



MANAKIN: Did you tell him you're pregnant, or did he already know?



PATME: Excuse me for a second. I have to...use the 'fresher.



She hurries upstairs



SC 37 INT. PATME'S APARTMENT-BEDROOM



PATME: Come out from under the bed, Ob-Ewan.



OB-EWAN: What is it? Is Manakin gone?



PATME: He's downstairs. I think he suspects something.



OB-EWAN: Does he suspect I know that you're married to him?



PATME: I don't think so, but I think he knows whose child I'm carrying.



OB-EWAN: That's worse. I've got a bad feeling about this.



Suddenly, MANAKIN can be heard coming up the stairs



PATME: Quick! Back under the bed!



MANAKIN: Who were you talking to?



PATME: Myself. Now, let's go back to bed. (Tugs at shoulder strap and raises eyebrows) Now.


SC 38 INT. COORSPLANT-JEDI TEMPLE-YOGAS QUARTERS-DAY



YOGA and MANAKIN sit in Yoga 's room, deep in thought.



YOGA: Premonitions . . . premonitions . . . Hmmmm . . . these visions you have . . .



MANAKIN: They are of pain, suffering, death . . .



YOGA: Whoa there, take it easy, depressing me you are.



MANAKIN: You're depressed? It's not easy being the Chosen One, lemme tell you.



YOGA: Yourself you speak of, or someone you know?



MANAKIN: Does it matter, Master Yoga? I mean, honestly, if it is myself, will your pearls of wisdom be any different than if it is someone I know?



YOGA: OK then - spit it out - my legs are falling asleep anyways.



MANAKIN: But to answer your question - it's someone I know.



YOGA: Duh.



MANAKIN: You know how sometimes when you look out the window towards the Senate apartments and you see my ship parked



outside a certain Senator's crib?



YOGA: Of this I am mind-bogglingly unaware. Go on...



MANAKIN: Well, you *know*. [wink wink]



YOGA: No, *you* know.



MANAKIN: Are you messing with me, Master Yoga?



YOGA: [mockingly] Are you *messing* with me? Are *you* messing with me? You must be, cuz I don't see anyone else around

here.



MANAKIN: Why aren't you like this when the Council is in session?



YOGA: Are you messing with me?



MANAKIN: *Sigh* Never mind. I'll be going.



YOGA: Wait! I was just kidding hehehe. Careful you must be when sensing the future, Manakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.



MANAKIN: Hmmm, dark side, now you're talkin'. [rubs hands together and leans forward]



YOGA: ...at least that's what my fortune cookie said.



MANAKIN: I won't let these visions come true, Master Yoga.



YOGA: Death is a natural part of life, get over it! Don't worry, be happy!



MANAKIN: What must I do, Master Yoga?



YOGA: Don't worry, be happy! Are you short and green?



MANAKIN: Well no.



YOGA: Don't worry, be happy! Did you lose any limbs today?



MANAKIN: Well no, not today.



YOGA: Don't worry, be happy!



MANAKIN: Hey I feel better, thanks, you're the bestest Master ever! [Manakin jumps up, hugs Yoga, and goes skipping out of the room]



SC 39 INT. CORUSCANT-JEDI TEMPLE-HALLWAY-DAY



MANAKIN skips down a temple hallway, heading toward a Jedi Briefing Room.



MANAKIN: Zippity doo dah! Zippity ay! My oh my what a wonderful DaaaaY! Plenty of sunshiiiine, coming my way. Zippity doo dah! Zippity ay!



SEVERAL JEDI are exiting.



SC 40 INT. CORUSCANTICLE-JEDI TEMPLE-BRIEFING ROOM-DAY



MANAKIN skips into the Briefing Room. By the time he reaches the Chamber, the last of the Jedi are leaving. Only OB-EWAN

remains at the front of the lecture hall. He is shutting off some holograms and electronic charts and maps.



OB-EWAN: You missed the report on the Outer Rim sieges, you moron!



MANAKIN: Take it easy, you'll bust an artery. Don't worry, be happy!



OB-EWAN: What the...



MANAKIN: What's wrong with you? You seem even more uptight than usual.



OB-EWAN: The Senate is expected to vote more executive powers to the Cameo today.



MANAKIN: Well, that can only mean less deliberating and more action. Is that bad? It will make it easier for George to end his prequel trilogy.



OB-EWAN: Manakin, be careful of your homeboy Palpitatine.



MANAKIN: Be careful of what?



OB-EWAN: He has sent you presents. [points to a pile of wrapped presents in the corner of the room]



MANAKIN: Really? I love presents! What kind?



OB-EWAN: He would not say.



MANAKIN: [runs to the pile of presents] He didn't inform the Jedi Council? That's unusual, isn't it?

[opens a box, takes out a voodoo doll]



OB-EWAN: Hey, lemme look at that! [grabs it] Dammit! It looks just like me!



MANAKIN: [grabs it back and steps on its foot]



OB-EWAN: Ouch! [grabs his foot and hops around] Stop that!



MANAKIN: OK. You're no fun.



OB-EWAN: All of this is unusual, and it's making me feel jealous. I mean, why would Palps send you presents and not me? Anyway, the Cameo has requested your presence. This is strange, too.



MANAKIN: He wants them all back?



OB-EWAN: No, dimwit , p-r-e-s-e-n-c-e, not p-r-e-s-e-n-t-s!



MANAKIN: What for?



OB-EWAN: He didn't say. Be wary. The Force grows dark, my friend.

SC 41 INT. CHORUS-CHANT-CAMEO'S OFFICE-DAY



MANAKIN stands with PALPITATINE at his window overlooking the vastness of Croissant. Several buildings have been destroyed. A brown haze hangs over the landscape.



PALPITATINE: I hope you trust me, Manakin.



MANAKIN: Of course I do. Sure, you look eerily like the Dark Lord and you sound like him, and there's all those silly slips of the tongue you make referring to the destruction of the Republic and the founding of an Empire, but hey, we all make mistakes, right?



PALPITATINE: I need your help, son.



MANAKIN looks shocked.



MANAKIN: Son? Are you...? Daddy?



PALPITATINE blinks.



PALPITATINE: Um, no. Figure of speech.



MANAKIN looks both disappointed and relieved.



MANAKIN: What do you need my help with then?



PALPITATINE: I'm depending on you.



MANAKIN: For what? I don't understand.



PALPITATINE: To be the eyes, ears, and voice, head, shoulders, knees and toes of the Republic . . .



MANAKIN thinks about this.



PALPITATINE: (continuing) Manakin . . . I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council.



MANAKIN: Me? A Master? It's about time too! Ob-Ewan has been holding me back, you know. I've always said so. But the Council elects its own members. They will never accept this.



PALPITATINE: I think they will . . .



MANAKIN: How can you be so sure?



PALPITATINE pulls out a folder and flips it open.



PALPITATINE: Because I've already read the script. See here?



MANAKIN looks over PALPITATINE's shoulder.



MANAKIN: Ohhh, yeah. Hey what's this....?



PALPITATINE slaps the folder shut with a snap.



PALPITATINE: It's nothing important.



MANAKIN: But it said something about an Order 69...



PALPITATINE: (waving his hand) I said it was nothing important.



MANAKIN: It was nothing important.



PALPITATINE: You can go about your business.



MANAKIN: I can go about my business.



PALPITATINE: Move along.



MANAKIN: I'll just move along...



MANAKIN exits.

SC 42 INT. -BAILLY SMITS OFFICE-DAY



PATME, BAILLY SMITS, and SENATORS MAMA MOTHBALL, FANGS FORZAMEMRY, TA'NEAL, and GIDDYUP DANU sit in Senator Organa 's office.



BAILLY SMITS: Thank you all for coming. My name is Bailly Smits and I'm a Senator.



EVERYONE: Hi Bailly.



BAILLY SMITS: In case you were all wondering why I brought you here, I thought you should all know that the Cameo has appointed Governors to oversee all star systems in the Republic.



FANGS FORZAMEMRY: When did this happen?



BAILLY SMITS: The decree was posted this morning.



FANGS FORZAMEMRY: I didn't get that memo, dammit.



PATME: Do you think he will dismantle the Senate?



MAMA MOTHBALL: Why bother? As a practical matter, the Senate no longer exists.



GIDDYUP DANU: The constitution is in shreds. Amendment after amendment . . . executive directives, sometimes a dozen in one day. What next? Homeland Security? The Patriot Act?



BAILLY SMITS: We can't let a thousand years of democracy disappear without a fight.



EVERYONE looks at each other, a little worried at the implications of what was just said.



TA'NEAL: What are you suggesting?



BAILLY SMITS: I apologize. I didn't mean to sound like a Separatist.



MAMA MOTHBALL: We are not Separatists trying to leave the Republic. We are loyalists, trying to preserve democracy in the Republic.



TA'NEAL: Uh-huh. Call it what you like. Sounds like Seperatism to me.



BAILLY SMITS: It has become increasingly clear to many of us that the Cameo has become an enemy of truth, justice and the democratic way.



PATME: I can't believe it has come to this! Cameo Palpitatine is one of my oldest advisors. He served as my Ambassador when I was Queen.



GIDDYUP DANU: Senator, I fear you underestimate the amount of corruption that has taken hold in the Senate. Late night crack parties. Dubious vote counts. Why I even heard a rumour about the Cameo and one of his interns in the Oblong Office involving goat's milk and a hamster.



EVERYONE looks at GIDDYUP DANU.



GIDDYUP DANU: It's not pleasant.



MAMA MOTHBALL: The Cameo has played the Senators well. They know where the power lies, and they will do whatever it takes to share in it. Palpitatine has become a dictator and we have helped him to do it.



BAILLY SMITS: We can't sit around debating any longer, we have decided to do what we can to stop it. Senator Mama Mothball and I are putting together an organization . . .



PATME: Say no more. Senator Smits, I understand. At this point, it's better to leave some things unsaid.



BAILLY SMITS: Yes. I agree and we must not discuss this with anyone, without everyone in this group agreeing.



MAMA MOTHBALL: That means those closest to you . . . even family ... no one can be told.



They ALL nod their heads. PATME considers this for a moment.



PATME: Agreed.



There is a long pause before RICK MCCALLUM and GEORGE LUCAS step in front of the camera.



GL: Cut! Everybody take five.



The gathered Senators pull out smokes, beers and a pack of Sabaac cards and begin playing.



GL: Now what's the problem, Rick?



RM: Well I don't-



RICK MCCALLUM is cut off mid-sentence as a glowing green brightsaber cuts through his chest silencing him once and forever. JANDOR TARVIN stands over his body and nods to himself.



JANDOR TARVIN: He's always bugged me. "****ing awesome this, ****ing awesome that." Also, this scene is badly written and is completely unnecessary. We don't even know half these people. Who cares what they think.



JANDOR TARVIN walks off shot while paramedics arrive.



GL: (sighing) I guess so. Cut. Edit this scene and clean it up. We'll put it into the Ultra Super Special Edition DVD Multi-Box set, but it won't be in the movie release. Alright, next scene folks.

82 INT. CORALCHANT-JEDI TEMPLE-HALLWAY OUTSIDE COUNCIL CHAMBERS-DAY



MANAKIN stands pensively in front of the Jedi Council Chambers. The door opens.



83 INT. MORECROISSANT-JEDI TEMPLE-COUNCIL CHAMBERS-DAY



MANAKIN enters and stands in the middle of the room. He is surrounded by the Jedi Council MACE WINDU, EETH KOTH, OB-EWAN, YOGA, the HOLOGRAMS of PLO KOON and KI-ADI-BUNDI.



MACE: Manakin Streetwalker, Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?



MACE looks at his cue card.



MACE: Oh, I mean, we have approved your appointment to the Council as the Cameo's personal representative.



MANAKIN: I will do my best to uphold the principles of the Jedi Order.



YOGA: Allow this appointment lightly, the Council does not. Disturbing is this move by Cameo Palipitatine.



MANAKIN: I understand. (mutters) that you're all just a dried-up bunch of?



AUDIENCE: What? No Whack?



LI-GON: Nope. Manakin's right. This council is nothing but a dried-up bunch of?



Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack



LI-GON: Oww!



LI-GON: (cnt?d) Wait, how can you whack me if I?m a ghost? Wouldn?t it just woosh right through me?



Whack



GL: No logic!



MACE: Manakin, you are on this Council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master.



Manakin reacts with foreshadowing.



MANAKIN: What? How can you do this?? This is outrageous, it's unfair! I am more powerful than any of you- with UNLIMITED POWERRRRR?.and at the end of this film, I will--



AUDIENCE: Rule the galaxy, be more powerful than any of you, we know. GET ON WITH IT!



BAILY SMITTS: Get on with it!



PADAWANS IN THE JEDI TEMPLE: Get on with it!



SOME PILOTS ON NuhBoo: GET ON WITH IT!



GL: And no more foreshadowing!!



MANAKIN: But- but-how can you be on the Council and not be a Master? (whines) It?s not faiiiirrrrr!



Whack



MACE: Take a seat, young Streetwalker.



MANAKIN: Forgive me, Master.



MANAKIN goes and sits in one of the empty chairs that, through the wonders of CGI/Costuming and Props, has just appeared. Everyone is embarrassed. KI-ADI-BUNDI WHO APPEARS AS A HOLOGRAM, speaks.



Kl-ADI-BUNDI WHO APPEARS AS A HOLGRAM: General Greedy is still missing. We must find him!



YOGA: Getting a massage in the Outer Rim, Greedy is. The outlying systems, you must sweep.



KI-ADI-BUNDI: With a broom?



YOGA: Yes.



OB-EWAN: It may take some time . . . we do not have many brooms to spare.



MACE: We cannot take swiffers from the front line.



OB-EWAN: And yet, it would be fatal for us to allow the dust bunnies to regroup.



YOGA: Master McNobi, our spies contact, you must, and then wait.



Kl-ADI-BUNDI: What about the mold attack on the Cookies?



MACE: It is critical we send an attack group there, immediately!



OB-EWAN: He's right, that is a container we cannot afford to lose. It's the main navigation route for the food pyramid.



MANAKIN: I know that system well. It would take us little time to drive the mold off that Tupperware container.



MACE: Streetwalker, your assignment is here with the Chancellor, and McNobi must find General Greedy.



YOGA: Go, I will. Good relations with the Cookies, I have.



MANAKIN: Wait, cookies, what about cookies?



Everyone ignores him.



MACE: It is settled then. Yoga will take a battalion of brooms to reinforce the Cookies on Kashi-yyyyyyyyyyuck. May the Force be with us all.



MANAKIN is disappointed.


SC 45 INT. CORUSNOT-JEDI TEMPLE-MASSIVE MAIN HALLWAY AND ALCOVE-LATE AFTERNOON...HEEYYY! NOT "DAY" FOR A CHANGE!



MANAKIN and OB-EWAN walk through one of the massive Jedi Temple hallways. MANAKIN is furious.



MANAKIN: WHY didn't they give me the rank of Master? I am insulted. They really ought to respect my wishes, because by the end of this movie, I will be-



GL: EXCESSIVE FORESHADOWING!!



MANAKIN: Oops. Sorry.



OB-EWAN: Manakin, calm down. You've been given a...what was the term Master Windy told me to use again?



He glances down at a cue card.



OB-EWAN: Oh. Ahem. It's a "great honor" to be put on the council at your age, it's never happened before. But the council...doesn't like the Cameo very much, I'm afraid, and they trust him even less.



MANAKIN: Aw, they're just jealous that I have Patme to come home to every night.



OB-EWAN: Don't speak of jealousy and pride. They aren't Jedi thoughts. (whispering) They're dark, dangerous thoughts.



MANAKIN: (rolling his eyes) You ought to have faith in my abilities. After all, you trained me. (suddenly supicious) I sense that this scene is not drawing to a close.



OB-EWAN: No, not yet. Look, Manakin. There comes a time in every man's life where he must-



MANAKIN: Yes?



OB-EWAN: I told the council that this wasn't a good idea. I told them that this would push you over to the dark side-



MANAKIN: Actually, that's Patme's fault.



OB-EWAN: Oh. Well. Manakin, remember, I'm on your side here. The Council wants you to do something concerning the Cameo.



MANAKIN: (apprehensively) Yes?



OB-EWAN: They want you to report on all of his dealings. That is, spy on him. This is an ultra-secret mission, which is why I'm telling you this in the middle of the hallway, so-



MANAKIN looks relieved.



MANAKIN: Oh, is that all? Hey, wait, that's treason!



OB-EWAN: Yes, it is. We are at war, in case you didn't notice. The council supports the senate, not the leader who has stayed in office after his term expired.



MANAKIN:But the senate demamded that he stay!



OB-EWAN: He used a jedi mind trick.



MANAKIN: Oh. It's so much clearer to me now. But, Ob-Ewan, why must I do this? The Cameo is my friend, my mentor. Why are you asking me this of me?



OB-EWAN: The council is asking you.



MANAKIN: (annoyed) I know that! What I want to know is why you're asking me!



OB-EWAN: Because they asked me to because we're friends.



MANKAKIN: We'll see if we're friends by the end of this movie.





SC 46 EXT CORRECTIONANT-DAY



Ob-Ewan, Yogurt, and Mace Windy are in the shuttle on the way to the Imperial Spaceports



Ob-Ewan: Manakin doesn't want to spy on the chancellor



Mace Windy: I don't trust him.



Ob-Ewan: Why ever not? He IS the chosen one. Meant to destroy the sith after all.



Yogurt: Misread the prophecy could have been. dark it was in that chinese restuarant.



Ob-Ewan: Good point. Whose fortune cookie was that, anyway?



Mace Windy: I don't know. i had a royale with cheese, so don't look at me.



Yogurt: We'll discuss this later. Wookie time, it is. Crush the droids we will.



The ship flies off to the port and everyone goes their separate ways



SC 47 EXT. CORUSCANT-PATME'S APARTMENT-VERANDA-SUNSET



Patme's Speeder pulls up to the landing platform. TWO HANDMAIDENS (PELE and MOTLEE) are waiting. The HANDMAIDENS, Motlee and Pele, approach PATME as the SHADOW OF A FIGURE moves in the background. C-3PO is standing nearby.



PATME: I'll be up in a while.



MOTLEE: Yes, my lady. Why is that all I ever get to say? Why is that, huh? Why do I get the feeling I?m going to get cut out of this scene?



C-3PO stands, confused, as the HANDMAIDENS turn and exit.



C-3PO: Is there anything I might do for you, my lady?



PATME: No, you useless piece of, oh excuse me, no thanks. Just go away.



PATME stands and watches the sunset. The SHADOWY FIGURE moves toward her. She senses something.



MANAKIN: Beautiful, aren?t I?



PATME jumps and turns around.



PATME: Only because I?m so in love with ... er, wait a second? (looks confused)



He sits next to her on the bench.



MANAKIN: Ask me how I'm feeling!



PATME: What about me?



MANAKIN: Hey this movie is ALL ABOUT ME.



PATME: (laughs)



MANAKIN: (laughs)



She puts his hand on her belly.



PATME: Whoa!



MANAKIN: That was my line, are you high? Whoa!



PATME: Whoa what?



MANAKIN: I forget, who cares, it wasn?t important. Rewrite! We need a rewrite!



PATME: I heard about your appointment. Manakin. Are you allowed to celebrate?



MANAKIN: I may be on the Council, but . . . they refused to accept me as a Jedi Master.



PATME: Patience. In time, they will recognize your skills. Remember how long it took you to learn how to?umm, never mind.



MANAKIN: They still treat me as if I were a Padawan learner. . . they fear my power, my UN?LIMITED POWWERRRRRRR.



PATME: Manakin . . . stop it you?re making me laugh, you?ll always be that little boy I knew on Patootie.



MANAKIN: What about Nabooty?



PATME: Oh that was you?



MANAKIN: Huh?



PATME: What?



MANAKIN: Huh?



PATME: Never you mind.



MANAKIN: Sometimes, I wonder what's happening to the Jedi Order . . . I think this war is destroying all my good photo ops ? I mean, first of all, what?s up with the scar.



PATME: (shocked) Hey who knows about that?



MANAKIN: I mean the one on my face! (points to his face, annoyed) Doesn?t exactly help with my poster boy image. And can we talk wardrobe? The black on black look is so last year. Don?t get me started on these hair extensions?



PATME: Have you ever considered that we may be on the wrong side?



MANAKIN: I know, I know -- they never get my good side!!



PATME: Me neither! How is that possible?



MANAKIN: Don't you understand, if you join me, together we can rule the screen and give them the money shot!



PATME: With this dumb blue screen background? How are we supposed to get in the mood??



MANAKIN: (suspicious) What do you mean?



PATME: What if the room we're standing in no longer exists?



MANAKIN: I don't believe that. And you're sounding like a Separatist!



PATME: Now, you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone. Please, please ask him to get us a real room, at the Four Star Croissant Omni Hotel, or something.



MANAKIN: (growing angry) Don't ask me to do that, Patme. Make a motion in the Senate, where that kind of a request belongs.



PATME: What is up your?



MANAKIN: Shut up.



PATME: Don't do this . . . don't shut me up. Let me help you.



PATME: (continuing) Hold me . . . like you did by the lake on NuhBOO, so long ago . . . when there was nothing but our love ... No politics, no photo-ops... no scar.



SC 48 INT INCORRECTANT- NIGHT



MANAKIN enters the Coruscant Concert Hall and approaches PALPITATINE, Sly Moo and Ass Amedda



MANAKIN: You wanted to see me, Chancellor?

PALPITATINE: Ah, yes, Manakin. I have just recieved word on the whereabouts of General Greedy. He's shopping on Uatappu.

MANAKIN: At last we'll be able to capture that fashion menace and end this war.

PALPITATINE: Yes...you seem a little upset. Is something wrong.

MANAKIN: ...

PALPITATINE: The Jedi asked you to do something dishonest didn't they?

MANAKIN: uh i don't know what to say to that.

PALPITATINE: That's all right. The Jedi are an order far past their time. They are afraid of loss, as are the Sith. They are not so different after all. The Jedi and the Sith. Only the Sith embrace all aspects of the force not merely the dogmatic view of it which the Jedi have.

MANAKIN: The Jedi are selfless

PALPITATINE: Nonsense. I will explain. Have you ever heard the fairy tale of Darth Playguy and the Seven Dwarves?

MANAKIN: No...

PALPITATINE: Oh it is so sad, it'll make you cry. But I didn't think so. Its not a story the jedi would tell you because its rated r. Once upon a time in a far away land lived Darth Plaguis. He was so powerful in the dark side that he could affect the mini-calories of the force in order to create muffins. One day he decided to take these muffins to grandma's house when he lost his way and went to a neat little house. There there was a table. On the table were seven bowls and on those bowls were mush. Darth Playguy instead of tasting each bowl as he would have if perhaps he was a cute little girl with dimples and a rich beaurocratic heritage being a princess, instead decided to eat his muffins and try the bed. Then the seven dwarves came back. They immediately knew someone was there because the door was open and searched the house until they found Play guy. "Where is Snow White?" they demanded of him. "Did the Queen ever tell you what happened to Snow White? "She told us plenty," the dwarves said. "She told us you killed her?" "No, I am snow white," said Darth Playguy. "Nooo!!" the dwarves cried. "She's supposed to be a bootylicious diva!" "Don't you just love, surgery?" Darth Playguy beamed. The dwarves were mad so they chucked Darth Playguy out the window and that was the end of Playguy. And that never would have happened had his apprentice not given Darth Playguy the wrong directions.In a way that is ironic, he could direct others but he couldn't direct himself.



MANAKIN:That is so sad. Now he could create muffins using the force?

PALPITATINE: Yes.

MANAKIN: How?

PALPITATINE:THe darkside of the force is the pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural?

MANAKIN: what kind of abilites?

PALPITATINE: Many kinds. Example: The sith know some mean ass pinky tricks.

MANAKIN: And rampant farting?

PALPITATINE: Darth Rufus came up with that one. And no Sith. I mean NO SITH has ever had their license taken away from them for crashing their ship into a six mile crater.

MANAKIN: force muffins...

PALPITATINE: yes

MANAKIN: Is it possible to learn this power?

MANAKIN: Not from Betty Crocker.



SC 49 EXT. KASHI-YYYYYYYYYYYYYYUCK-DAY



A COOKIE CATAMARAN flanked by COOKIE HELICOPTERS approaches the tree housing the HOLOGRAM AREA.



SC 50 INT. KASHI-YYYYYYYYYYYYYYUCK-HOLOGRAM AREA-DAY



YOGA and various JEDI speak via hologram. The discussion includes OB-EWAN, MANAKIN, MACE, AGE COOLER, KI-ADI-BUNDI and PLOW LOON.



Kl-ADI-BUNDI: (holo) Palipaitine thinks General Greedy is on Utapoo.



MACE: (holo) How could the Cameo have come by this information and we know nothing about it? We have had contact with Baron Paranoia and he said no one was there.



MANAKIN: Plot device.



YOGA: Plot device? Seen one of those since Menace Phantom The, I have not. Act on this, we must. War this end, General Greedy capture of will. Deecorp dluohs ew ylevisiced dna ylkciuq.



OB-EWAN: Does everyone agree? Can we leave soon? I really need to use the 'fresher.



All the JEDI concur.



MANAKIN: The Cameo has requested that I lead this endeavor.



They all look at MANAKIN, a bit disturbed.



MACE: (a little peeved) The Council will make up its own mind who is to go, not the Cameo.



Kl-ADI-BUNDI: Yes, this decision is ours to make.



MANAKIN: (angry) Will they now? You guys will all be DEAD by the end of this film, who will be making decisions THEN, huh?



YOGA: Excessive foreshadowing, need, we do not.



GL: Thank you!



MANAKIN: (standing up) You wanna go? You wanna go??



YOGA: With more experience, a Master is needed.



MACE: (ignoring MANAKIN) Given our resources--



MANAKIN: (interrupting Mace) HELLO!! ANYONE LISTENING???



YOGA: Enjoying your tantrum, we are not. Shut up, you will. make me demonstrate my acrobatics, do not.



MANAKIN sits down with a mutinous look on his face.



MACE: I recommend we send only one Jedi...volunteers?



None of the Jedi move, except for MANAKIN, who jumps up and down like a third-grader.



MANAKIN: Oo! Oo! Pick me! Pick me!



MACE: (sighing) Well, alright then, we'll have to do it the old-fashioned way...



He pulls out straws.



MACE: (cnt'd) Shortest straw goes and kicks Greedy's ass. Or not.



Each council member, shaking down to their boots, picks a straw. As the plot would have it, OB-EWAN MCNOBI has the shortest straw.



MANAKIN: (muttering) He was not so successful the last time he met Greedy.



whack



LI-GON: What did I say about muttering?



whack



OB-EWAN shoots MANAKIN a Look of Death.



OB-EWAN: And I didn't appreciate that either, my young padawan learner.



MANAKIN:(sarcastic) No offense meant, Master, no, none at all....



OB-EWAN: Why you little--



He lunges for MANAKIN, knocking him to the floor. They wrestle while the other Council Members smoke the peace pipe.



OB-EWAN: (tackling Manakin) I have the--most experience--with Greedy's--ways of combat.



MANKIN: (tackling Ob-Ewan) Oh yeah? Well, I--have the most--photo-ops.



OB-EWAN is shocked.



OB-EWAN: Photo-Ops? Are you serious???



MANAKIN: Yes indeedy.



OB-EWAN:(rolling his eyes) I should have guessed.



YOGA: Ob-Ewan, my choice is. (muttering) Glad I am that is is not I who must go.



whack



YOGA: Whacked a Jedi as old as myself, you did? Li-Gon, downright pissed I am.



LI-GON: (to himself) oops.



YOGA: Lucky, you are, that today in a good mood am I.



MACE: Very well. Council is adjourned.



MANAKIN and OB-EWAN are bruised.





SC 51 INT. KASHI-YYYYYYYYYYUCK-HOLOGRAM AREA-DAY



YOGA puts down his beer, gets out of his chair, and walks to the edge of the platform.



CLONE COMMANDER GREEN: The tinker droids have started up their main power generators.



YOGA: Then now the time is, Commander.



CLONE COMMANDER GREEN: Yes, sir. Why is that all I ever get to say? It's just like tha handmaidens, "Yes, sir," and "Yes, milady," I'm sick of it!



whack



The battle begins.



SC 52 D-DAY-NORMANDY-OMAHA BEACH-JUNE 6, 1944-6:30 A.M.



The first wave of CORPORATION ALLIANCE and TRADER CONVENTION troops approaches the beachhead. Gunfire is heard everywhere, and the first wave takes extreme losses. A COOKIE CHIEFTAIN lets out a roar as the Cookie army rushes to face the TINKER DRONE ARMY. CORPORATION ALLIANCE D.D. FLOATING TANKS race across the water against the COOKIES and CLONE TROOPERS. DROID GUNSHIPS provide air support, while a SPIDER DROID emerges from the watery depths. A brave COOKIE places a Cookie Grenade (which looks like a macadamian nut cookie) on a SEPERATIST TANK and jumps off just before the TANK EXPLODES. From the Hologram Area, Yoga observes the carnage while chugging a 2-Liter of Mountain Dew: Code Red.



SC 53 INT. CROISSANT -PATME'S APARTMENT-LIVING ROOM-EARLY MORNING

Patme and Ob-Ewan sit on one of the couches. Manakin is hiding behind the couch.



OB-EWAN: Has Manakin been to see you?



PATME: Several times (rolls her eyes). . . I was so happy to hear he was accepted on the Jedi Council.



OB-EWAN: Yes, but it will make things more difficult for us. He?ll be following me around all day long.



They laugh.



PATME: You're not just here to say hello?I hope. (smiling).



OB-EWAN: You should be a Jedi, Patme.



PATME: You're not very good at hiding your feelings.



A sound of a brightsabre being switched on is heard from behind the couch. Ob-Ewan is startled.



OB-EWAN: Did you hear that?



The brightsabre sound is quickly silenced.



PATME: No, you must be hearing things.



OB-EWAN: (smiles) No, I distinctly heard a?



PATME: You must be soooooo tired, let me help you get comfortable.



OB-EWAN: Oh yes, that's better.



MANAKIN: What the?(silences himself)



OB-EWAN: Neither of you is very good at hiding your feelings either.



PATME: Don't give me that look.



OB-EWAN: Why not?



PATME: It makes me oh so comfortable.



OB-EWAN: He knows how I feel about you.



PATME: (nervous) What did he say?



OB-EWAN: Nothing. He didn't have to.



Patme is a little flustered. She stands and Ob-Ewan follows. She walks to the balcony.



PATME: I don't know what you're talking about.



OB-EWAN: He knows us both too well.



Patme looks down and doesn't answer. Suddenly she sees a familiar pair of boots peeking out from behind the couch. She motions to Ob-Ewan. They each grab a boot and drag Manakin into view.



PATME: What did you think were you doing, Mani?



MANAKIN: (sarcastically, in deep baritone) You should be a Jedi, Patme.



OB-EWAN: It's not what you think.



MANAKIN: (sarcastically, in falsetto) It makes me ooooh sooooo comfortable.



Patme and Ob-Ewan ignore Manakin.



OB-EWAN: (continuing) I fear our relationship has confused him. He's changed considerably since we returned . . .



They stand on the balcony and look off at the early morning city. Ob-Ewan starts to leave. Patme stays looking off into the distant city.



MANAKIN: Excuuuuuse me?(getting irate)



OB-EWAN: (continuing) Patme, I'm not telling the Council about any of this. I ... I hope he didn't upset you.



PATME: Thank you, Ob-Ewan.



MANAKIN: (begins pacing back and forth) You?re both going to regret this! I swear!!! I?ll?I?ll?oh I?ll I?ll?



OB-EWAN: Please do what you can to help him.





SC 54 EXT. CROISSANWICH-PATME'S APARTMENT-EARLY MORNING



Patme's apartment building is surrounded by the smog-shrouded city of Croissanwich. Patme and C-3PO are looking

out the window.



C-3PO: I say, I do think I hear some grumbling out there. Something about a dreadful lack of posts...not enough writers...well maybe they have been under a lot of stress-



PATME: Oh 3PO, you're full of it. They're just lazy.



C-3PO: How right you are!





SC 55 EXT. CROAKINGANT-CLONE LANDING PLATFORM-DAY



MANAKIN and OB-EWAN walk onto a landing platform overlooking a docking bay ...



MANAKIN: You're going to need me on this one, Master.



OB-EWAN: Oh, I quite disagree. It's my wild banana chase.



OB-EWAN starts to turn and leave.



MANAKIN: Master! You know how much I love bananas. Take me with you! Please Please Pretty Please!!



OB-EWAN stops and MANAKIN walks over to him.



MANAKIN: (continuing) Master, I've disappointed you. I have not been very appreciative of your training . . . I have been arrogant and I apologize . . . now, about those bananas?they would make some AWESOME force muffins?  OOPS. (waves hand in front of OB-EWAN) You did not hear any mention of force muffins.



OB-EWAN: I did not hear any mention of force muffins. You are strong and wise, MANAKIN, and I am very proud of you. I have trained you since you were a small boy. I have taught you everything I know. And you have become a?*cough*? far ?greater ?*cough* Jedi than I could ever hope to be.



MANAKIN: What was that? You finally admit it! Yessssss! YOU said it bro?. FAR greater than you could EVER EVER EVER begin to dream to hope to wrap your puny little noggin around?



Whack



OB-EWAN: But be patient, Manakin. It won't be long before the Council makes you a Jedi Master.



MANAKIN: Oooo Ooo when? When? Did they tell you? Tell me, tell me NOW.



OB-EWAN: Until then, it's quite apparent they don't trust your a**.



MANAKIN: (shocked) Who says?



OB-EWAN: Well Mace Windy for one.



MANAKIN: Note to self. Get Windy good.



OB-EWAN starts down the ramp, then turns back. MANAKIN grins widely and waves.



MANAKIN: Get Windy? get Windy? get Windy...



OB-EWAN: (continuing) Don't worry. I have enough clones with me to get all the bananas you want off Utapoo. I think I'll be able to handle the situation . . . even without your help.



They talk for a few more minutes before MANAKIN watches OB-EWAN depart.



MANAKIN: OB-EWAN, may the Force be with you. Watch out for them banana peels.



OB-EWAN: Good-bye, old friend. May the Force be with you. Watch out for sith lords in disguise.







SC 56 EXT. UTAPOO-LARGE BIG WHOPPIN SINKHOLE-DAY











OB-EWAN lands his starship in Utapoo., Tion Me-dumb comes out to meet him.







TION ME-DUMB: Welcome Jedi. What brings you here?







OB-EWAN: Unfortunately the war.







Tion Medon: There is no war here unless you bring it with you.







OB-EWAN: No I'm sorry. MANAKIN is at home. I'm searching for General Greedy.







TIOn Medumb looks about. Then he whispers to OB-EWAN quietly.







TION MEDUMB: He's here. We are being held hostage. They are watching us.







OB-EWAN: General Greedy?







TION MEDUMB: No! The MEdia!Oh dear.







Cameramen snap pictures.







OB-EWAN: I understand.







TION MEDUMB: The tenth level! Thousands of news hounds.







OB-EWAN: AH. (To the audience) Tell your people to take shelter. If you can still walk into another theatre. Now is the time. BAD Dialogue ALERT! (runs off)







SC 57 EXT. UTAPOO-OBSERVATION DECK-DAY







On a high balcony, TION MEDON looks down on the landing platform. A few steps behind him stands one of GENERAL GRIEVOUS's BODYGUARDS. They watch the canopy lower.







TlON MEDON: I told you, all he wanted was fuel.







BODYGUARD: What was his name?







TlON MEDON: He didn't say.







They watch as the BLUE JEDI FIGHTER takes off.







SC 58 EXT. UTAPOO -DAY







OB-EWAN also watches the blue starfighter take off. He moves further into the city.

108 EXT. UTAPAU STAIRWAY-SINKHOLE RIM-DAY



OBI-WAN quickly rushes up a stairway cut into the side of the sinkhole. It's hard to see him. In an alcove, he carefully surveys the city, then quickly moves on.





111 INT. UTAPAU-CONFERENCE ROOM-GRAND CHAMBER-DAY



GENERAL GREDDY stands before the COUNCIL OF SEPARATISTS on a runway in a designer dress, including NEWT GUNRAY, RUNE HAAKO. POGGLE THE LESSER, SHU MAI, SAN HILL POO NUDO, WATT TAMBOR, and PASSEL ARGENTE. OB-EWAN hides above the assembly and watches intently.



GENERAL GRIEVOUS: You like? (turns around and poses) You like?



NUTE GUNRAY: Safe? Chancellor Palpatine managed to escape your grip, General, without Count Doodoo. I have doubts about your ability to keep us safe.



GENERAL GRIEVOUS: Be thankful, Viceroy, you have not found yourself in my grip . . . Your ship is waiting. It will take you to..Mustafarfaraway.



OB-EWAN is deep in thought.



112 INT. UTAPAU-TENTH LEVEL-CONTROL CENTER-DAY



The JEDI removes his cloak and jumps down behind the GENERAL.



OB-EWAN: Hello, there!



GENERAL GRIEVOUS: General Kenobi, you are a bold one. I find your behavior bewildering . . . Surely you realize that outift is doomed, (to droids) Kill him!

Ob-Ewan gestures with a finger and some large bulkheads begin to come down towards the chef droids.

GREEDY: Back away!

The droids do not back away.

GREEDY: Do as I say, overgrown fax machines!

The CHEF DROIDS all step back and out of the way and OB-EWAN kills all of them after five minutes of swashbuckling action.

He pulls off his cape, and suddenly has a long, grey beard.

GREEDY: This foe is beyond any of you. RUN!

The droids finally back away. Camera cuts to OB-EWAN, who briefly resembles a Balrog of Morgoth.

OB-EWAN: Your move.

Camera cuts to Greedy, who has placed a chess set on a folding table in front of himself.

GREEDY : You fool! I have been trained in your gaming arts by Magnus Carlsen.

He moves a pawn forward. Ob-Ewan approaches and moves a pawn forward on the other side. They play for several turns, then Ob-Ewan checkmates him within ten moves. Greedy, frustrated, flips the whole table.

GREEDY: Jedi slime!

Greedys' voice becomes a poor recording of Count Dooku.

GREEDY: It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Boards... but by our skills with a lightsaber.

They begin to duel similarly to sport fencers, Greedy holding a single saber with all four of his hands simultaneously.


113 INT. OOTAPOO-TENTH LEVEL-CONTROL CENTER-DAY



More CLONES rappel into the control center and blast away at the remaining TINKER DROIDS/DUST BUNNIES.

The JEDI(who is, indeed, OB-EWAN) cuts down several TINKER DROIDS/DUST BUNNIES to the entrance of the control center. OB-EWAN spots GENERAL GREEDY racing toward one of the landing platforms in the midst of the battle. GENERAL GREEDY jumps onto a TWO-WHEEL KID SCOOTER (the kind without a motor, where you have to actually use your foot to propel yourself, god forbid.) and propells himself to the edge of the cliff, his bodyguards in fast pursuit.



GREEDY: (to his bodyguards) Do you think I'll be able to run this sucker veritically on this sinkhole wall?



One of the bodyguards pulls out the OWNER'S MANUAL and thumbs through it.



BODYGUARD: Um, well, what chapter would that be in? 'Using your scooter' or perhaps, 'maintenance'?



GREEDY: Oh, screw it.



He takes off the edge of the cliff, and, cartoonlike, scoots in midair for a few seconds before he falls, screaming passionately.



whack



Oops, wrong scene. Uh, he screams crazily. OBI-WAN whistles for his LIZARD BOGA, who runs to him. OBI-WAN jumps on.





117 INT. CORUSCANT-JEDI WAR ROOM-EARLY EVENING



MANAKIN and MACE WINDY are conversing with Holograms of Ki-A.D.D.-MUNDI, AAYLA SECURITY, YOGURT and COMMANDER COZY.



COMMANDER COZY: General Kenobi is engaged to GENERAL Greedy!



MACE WINDY: WHat?!



YOGURT: Unexpected this is.



MACE WINDY: *cough* attachements! *cough!*



MANAKIN: My own master? No way!



COMMANDER COZY: Oh did i sayy they're engaged? I meant Obi-WAN has engaged GENERAL GREEDY.



MANAKIN: See? I knew it?



MACE WINDY: MANAKIN: Go tell the chancellor the news. His reaction will let us know his intentions.



MANAKIN: Yes, sir, Mister Windy, sir!





MANAKIN leaves.



MACE WINDY speaks to the others.



MACE WINDY: I smell a plot to destroy the jedi.



YOGURT: Sorry. I ate beans today.

118 INT. CORUSCANT-CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE-EARLY EVENING



MANAKIN comes running in to PALPITATINE who is working on a photo album: Obi-Wan has engaged Greedy, your lordship.



PALPTIATINE: How wonderful! My sincerest congratulations to them both.



MANAKIN: Oh..wait. No. no. no. They're not ENGAGED. They've ENGAGED.



PALPITATINE: Ah. I better take back the fondue pot then.



MANAKIN: I should be there with him.



PALPITATINE: Poor widdle MANNYKIN, help me put my photo album together, courtesy of the tax payers, it'll do you good.



MANAKIN: Okay. Hey! What is this? Pics of darth maul as a baby. Pics of Dooku as a baby (has he ALWAYS had that beard?!) Pics of you with a chef's hat. Making...*gasp* muffins?! You make force muffins? WIth the DARK SIDE?!



PALPITATINE: why, yes (does dance in order to try and seduce MANAKIN to the darkside. It doesn't work)



MANAKIN: so you're the sith lord!

takes out saber.



PALPITATINE: yes. Are you going to kill me?



MANAKIN: I should certainly like too.



PALPITATINE: Yes I know you would. I can feel your anger. It makes you strong. Gives you muscles.



MANAKIN: Now every thing is clear.



PALPITATINE: All your life you've wanted to be more than a simple jedi. A man of consequence. A man of conscience. A man with muffins.



MANAKIN: And...



PALPITATINE: Let me teach you Dark Side culinary skills and you will have more muffins than any jedi before you.



MANAKIN:I'm going to expose these pics of you to the jedi.



PALPITAINE: I know you will. But I know you'll be back, you sugar addict, you.



119 EXT. UTAPOO-DAY



OB-EWAN rides that bugger ripping furiously through the bumpy land scape after GENERAL GREEDY. Suddenly they stop. Red light. Tic tock. Tic tock. tic tock. Green light. OB-EWAN chases GREEDY furiously again.





123 EXT. UTAPAU-SECRET LANDING PLATFORM-DAY Extending from the wall of a small sinkhole is a secret landing platform with a small Federation Fighter sitting in the middle of it. OB-EWAN and GENERAL GREEDY race out of the tunnel system and onto the landing platform. OB-EWAN yanks on the staff, then jumps off his LIZARD onto the General's scooter, knocking both warriors to the ground. GENERAL GREEDY pulls out a laser pistol and fires at OBI-WAN. The Jedi reaches out his hand, grabs the General's electro-staff and spins the staff, blocking the laser bolts.











OB-EWAN charges GENERAL GREEDY, swinging the staff and hitting the Droid in the stomach, knocking the gun away. GENERAL GREEDY is hit by the staff, and the Force bends his forearm. He pulls OB-EWAN close to him, and they engage in a furious fight. The electro-staff is knocked away. The two engage in hand-to-hand tango. OB-EWAN struggles to avoid the deadly feet off the brutal, unstoppable Droid. GENERAL GREEDY stomachplate is loose. OBI-WAN grabs it and rips it off, revealing the alien's bra! Greedy is a girl! Silence.







Ob-Ewan: (shocked) Oh dear! Madame I'm terribly sorry!







GENERAL GREEEDY: Eek!







GENERAL GREEDY slaps OB-EWAN. hoists him over his head, and tosses him across the platform. OBI-WAN dangles off the edge of the platform. He clutches the rim, trying to hold on. The DROID then grabs the staff and charges OBI-WAN. At the last second, OBI-WAN reaches out his hand and crys out.







Ob-Ewan: Wait!







GENERAL GREEDY: (pause) yes?







Ob-Ewan: You can't win! Its just not probable! Inconcievable!







GENERAL GREEDY: Why ever not?







Ob-Ewan: Because there is no General Greedy in the old trilogy!







GENERAL GREEDY: The old trilogy? What old trilogy?







Ob-Ewan: You wouldn't know. You're not in them. But I AM. That means I have too survive.







GENERAL GREEDY: That's silly. George Lucas will simply have to digitally insert me in it. (raises electrostaff)







Ob-Ewan: (frantically) But he won't!







GENERAL GREEDY: (pauses again) Why?







OB-EWAN: Because they're already made!







GENERAL GREEDY: What?! How could he? Without me?! Why?







OB-EWAN: Because there wasn't any computer capable of creating digital characters that were so life like in the seventies. And he didn't want to waste time developing any, when he could make money.







GENERAL GREEDY: What a fink! That's so wrong! That's so evil! That's so mean! He's so...so...







OB-EWAN: greedy.







GENERAL GREEDY: Yes!







A plot hole starts to form out of nowhere.







OB-EWAN: But if HE's Greedy, and YOU'RE greedy. Then YOU must be...







GENERAL GREEDY: George Lucas?







OB-EWAN: Yes!







GENERAL GREEDY: Oh...I see now (light of revelation twinkles in GG's eyes. twinkle, twinkle)







OB-EWAN: And if YOU'RE GEORGE LUCAS,(leaps up back onto platform and waves his hands in exasperation to Greedy) and this is a battle scene from your new movie! WHY ARE'NT YOU BEHIND THE CAMERA!







GG: Uh...







OB-EWAN: Honestly!







GG: I...I'm so ashamed.







Ob-EWAN: You've been slacking off!







GG: Heh. Heh.







OB-EWAN: I mean honestly! Your movie has suffered for it!







GG: Well...







OB-EWAN: The people you've ticked off with this bilge! The lines you've made me say!







GG: Sorry.







OB-EWAN: Do you realize what you've done?







The plot hole gets bigger.







OB-EWAN: You've messed up the fabric of the space time prequel continuum!







GG: Oh woe is me!







OB-EWAN: Get behind the camera right now!







General Greedy: Okay!







Its positively gargantuan now.







OB-EWAN: Move it buster!







He points to the edge of the cliff, GENERAL GREEDY runs in the pointed direction, fall off the edge and falls into the plot hole.







OB-EWAN: So stupid ... AI intelligence. Ha!











OB-EWAN brushes himself off. He throws the pistol onto the platform, picks up the electro-staff, and jumps



on BUGGER. At least he THINKS he has. But the BUGGER has gone away! It left on General Greedy's scooter. Thus there is nothing for OB-Ewan to jump on and he lands on his bum.







OB-EWAN: Oof. So uncivilized!









124 INT. JEDI GUNSHIP-LANDING PLATFORM-EARLY EVENING



MACE and the JEDI (AGEN KOLAR, KIT FISTO, AND SAESEE TIIN) are preparing to board a JEDI GUNSHIP to the CAMEO'S office. MANAKIN enters the hangar.



MANAKIN : Master Windy, I must talk to you.



MACE: What is it, Streetwalker? We are in a hurry. We have just received word that Shrub's troops have captured Sodamn Insane-er, that Ob-Ewan has destroyed General Greedy. We are on our way to make sure the Cameo returns emergency muffin powers back to the Senate.



MANAKIN : He won't give up his muffin powers.



Cue the ?Jaws theme?



MANAKIN:He won't give up his power. He's a Sith Muffinman. He knows the power of force-muffins!



WINDY: How do you know this?



MANAKIN: Aside from the fact that he's beem dropping hints ever since Episode I, I caught him looking at a Sith Cookbook.



WINDY: Then our worst fears have been realized. We must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there.



MANAKIN: This rehashing of lines is getting old. Master, the Cameo is very powerful. You will need my help! Only my new powers can save you.



WINDY: For your own good stay out of this affair. I sense a great deal of confusion in you, especially because of what you just said.



MANAKIN: I must go, Master. I can see through the lies of the Jedi.



WINDY: You....better stay.



MANAKIN: I must fulfill my destiny. Only I can stop you form dying!



WINDY: No. If what you told me is true, you will have gained my trust, but for now, remain here. And maybe Kid Fatso should guard you and make sure you don't follow me.







MANAKIN : (louder) But I know! (almost hysterical) A tablespoon is two teaspoons!! (hysterically)Two cups of flour in Jedi Mini-Muffins!!!







His shout echoes across CORNUCOPIA. In his office, CAMEO PALATATINE hears.







PALIPATATAINE: Two cups of flour? Interesting.







He jots it down and puts the paper in a folder marked ?JEDI MINI-MUFFIN RECIPES?







MANAKIN: I must go, Master! I must go!







whack







MACE: No. If what you told me is true, I will give you my recipe for pumpkin pie, but for now remain here.







MANAKIN : (sniffling) Yes, Master.







MACE : Wait for us in the Council Chamber until we return.







MANAKIN : Yes, Master. (he perks up) Can I decorate it?







MACE: We?ll see.



MANAKIN: (sullen,muttering) when I was little, ?we?ll see? always meant ?no.?







Whack







LI-GON: If I've told 'em once, I've told 'em a hundred times.



JAB-JAB: Hi.



Everyone ignites their sabers.



JAB-JAB: Okay...mesa leavin now.



WINDY: Wait..can you babysit?



JAB-JAB: (thankful to fistofthedarklord for resurrecting him) ....errrm...mesa think about it.



Whack



JAB-JAB: Okeday.



WINDY: Manakin, wait for us in the Jedi Council Chamber until we return. Jab-Jab, you watch him like a hawk.



JAB-JAB: Okeday.



Whack



WINDY: Stop saying that.



JAB-JAB: Okeda-



Whack



JAB-JAB: Sorry.



MANAKIN watches as the JEDI leave in their ship.


125 INT. CORBANANANUT-PATME'S APARTMENT-EARLY EVENING



(INTERCUT)



PATME is alone in her apartment, thinking about Manakin. MANAKIN sits alone in the Jedi Council Chamber thinking of Patme's boo-, er of Patme.



PALPITATINE: (V.O.) You do know, don't you, if the Jedi destroy me any chance of in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sle- ooh damn got that stupid song stuck in my head again- anyway, Manakin, remember the muffins. Remember the muffins...



MANAKIN: (drooling) Mmm...force-muffins.



PATME: I truly, deeply love Boss Nasty....Before I die, I wan't you to know that I love muffins. Deeply.





MANAKIN: (mumbling) what kind of muffins?





PALPITAINE: Raisin.



SEE-STINKY-O: M'lady, are you....attracted to droids?



MANAKIN: I can't do this! There are muffins to be made!



JAB-JAB sits there in Yoga's chair, watching him, flapping his arms like a hawk.



MANAKIN: I have to go, Jab-Jab..



JAB-JAB: Ok, bye.



MANAKIN looks at the setting sun. A tear rolls down his cheek.







MANAKIN: Raisin muffins...



Manakin rushes out of the Council Chamber and to his speeder. The hangar door opens and he lifts off.



INT. CAMEO'S OFFICE-NIGHT



Mace Windy, Kittty Fisto, Agent Coca Colar, and SPICY Tinn enter the Imperial Chambers, confronting the Cameo.



PALPITATINE: Ah, Master Jedi. I take it General Greedy has been destroyed. You're here a bit earlier than I anticipated. I've ordered some peas would you like to stay and have some?



MACE WINDY: In the name of peace. justice and the Galactic Republic, we proclaim you under arrest.



PALPITATINE: Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?



MACE WINDY: The PTA will decide your fate.



PALPITATINE: (burst of anger) I am the PTA!



MACE WINDY: Not yet!



PALPITATINE: I've BEEN the PTA. You don't remember me do you, MACEWALD SHAMU WINDU? Search your thoughts.



All the Jedi: Prinicpal Snidious?



PALPITATINE: Hello, boys. Still causing trouble I see.



MACE WINDY: No...its impossible!



PALPITAINE: Do you remember the REAL reason the other students called you WINDY? Search your thoughts, MACEWALD.



MACE WINDY: you are most definitely under arrest.



PALPITATINE: Its detention then.



A lightsaber appears in PALPTITATINE's hand. He swoops down and everybody except MACE WINDY just stand there and get killed. Its just them.



PALPITATINE: BANZAI!



The fighting is fast and furious. PALPY throws MACE against a wall but Mace bounces off of it. Ext. Shot. MANAKIN runs and leaps into a speeder and drives off. Cut back to PALPY and MACE throwing things at each other using the force and brilliantly using the force to deflect the things they throw at each other. A pencil sharpener hits PALPY. MACE points and starts to laugh and a photograph on PALPY's desk hits him in the face.



EXT. Shot - MANAKIN is in traffic. The little old lady in front of him just won't drive. MANAKIN: (sticking his head out his car window) Hey! Hey! little old lady : (just listens to classic music and smiles not noticing or paying any attention to MANAKIN what so-ever).



BACK to PALPY and MACE: they're both sitting in chairs sipping tea and having pleasant conversation. They notice that the camera is back on them.



PALPY and MACE: crap!



They leap up and start fighting again.



BACK to MANAKIN. MANAKIN reaches the building. The door is locked. Heroically he plunges his lightsaber into the door like QuiGoneWiththeWind had done back in the Phantom Menace silly version . A pizza delivery guy walks past MANAKIN and turns the handle on the door and walks in. MANAKIN looks embarassed and runs past him. MANAKIN sees MACE WINDY and PALPY fighting. Suddenly PALPY drops his saber.



PALPY: I'm too weak.



MACE WINDY: You sith disease. I'm finishing this now.



MANAKIN: Sith disease? Cameo, you're sick? Are you allright? Do you have avian flu? What's wrong?



MACE WINDY: I've diagnosed his symptoms as purplelightsaberupyourbuttitis and this (ignites saber) is the cure.



PALPY: Please don't kill me!



MANAKIN: Stop. I need him. He owes me money!



MACE WINDY: Tough luck kid.



MANAKIN: Wait! Its not the Jedi Way!



MACE WINDY: Oh?



MANAKIN: Yea! I used TWO lightsabers on Doodu. (hands MACE WINDY his lightsaber)



MACE WINDY: Oh. Yeah. Thanks kid.



PALPITATINE: MANAKIN!



MANAKIN: Oh yeah. (grabs lightsaber back and accidentally cuts off MACE'S hand)



MACE: Now why did you do that,.



PALPITATINE: Oh look. This is funny, the black jedi is on the Light Side, and the white sith is on the dark side. BWAHAHAHAHAH!!



MACE WINDY:



PALPY: Kill him!



MACE: but he's unarmed!



PALPY: There you are with your wicked sense of humor again! Such a WICKED joke!



MACE: Do I have to listen to it? Can't I say something



PALPITATINE: Oh, that's a riot! A Black Jedi on the Light Side and a White Sith on the Dark Side AHAHAHAHAHA!



MACE: AARGH!!! Gentleman I have decided that I actually want to jump out this fine window right here.



GL: You can't get your contract! I want to insert you in the sequels!



MACE: Oh yes I can ! (He jumps. Don't worry folks, he'll be back someday )



MANAKIN: What have I done?



GL: You're fulfilling your contract



MANAKIN: I shouldn't have laughed at Mace's expense with you.



PALPITATINE: Your mother never told you about your father.



MANAKIN: She said she just had me without a father.



PALPITATINE: Manakin, I am your father. It was the night the Twelfth Fleet passed through the fourth quadrant [Ed-I think that is the wrong numbers, Anyone who read the TPM HV correct me and I'll edit the right numbers in-study3600]. We were at a soiree she hosted for Gardulla the Hutt. She was pretty drunk and when I kissed her mouth it reeked of pizza and Dom Perigones. 9 months later she contacted me on NuhBOO and told me I had gotten her a little preggers. She told you and Li-Gon the lie that there was no father to cover my tracks. Join me and I will complete your training. We can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son.



MANAKIN (kneels): I pledge myself unto you this day and will submit to your teaching and authority father.



CHIN places both hands upon MANAKIN'S head.



CHIN: Henceforth you shall be known as Darth.......Vacuous. Lord Vacuous, you may rise.



VACUOUS: (rises): What do you ask of me, Master? And how do I make muffins?



CHIN: The Secret to Sith muffinry we shall learn together. Go to the Mustafarfaraway system. Wipe out Viceroy Raygunn and the other Seperatist leaders.



MANAKIN:And what of the other Jedi spread throughout the galaxy?



CHIN: They shall be dealt with, with chaincodes. Soon we will have peas, and the Jedi in pieces. Go to the Jedi Temple and murder a whole bunch of innocent children to save your wife. She won't mind, in fact, she will thank you. Have I ever lied to you before? Do what must be done and show no mercy. These Jedi are relentless. Once they learn what has transpired here it will be endless war without end. They must be stopped. They are traitors.





VACUOUS: As you wish, my father and lord.



PALPITATINEL: (on phone) Order 66!



Clone Trooper: Is that the bacon and cheese combo?



PALPITATINE: Yes! And if you kill the Jedi that brings it, I'll let you keep the toy.



Clone Trooper: Yay!



Order comes. Darth Vacuous brings bag to his master.



PALPITATINE: (looking in the bag) Lord Vacuous.



Darth Vacous: Yes, Master.



PALPITATINE: (looks at him accusingly) FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEES.





131 INT. CORUSCANT -JEDI TEMPLE ENTRY-NIGHT







Manakin goes to the temple with a batallion of Clowntroopers.



INT. CORONATION- JEDI TEMPLE- ROOM FULL OF SCARED, HUDDLED, INNOCENT CHILDREN







Ray shields and Jandor Tarvin escort children onto a waiting ship before Manakin arrives.







MANAKIN enters to find them all gone. He sees a note left behind. He reads it: See you on MUFASA. I'm going to help OB-EWAN kick your Sith A**, punk.












132 EXT OOPTAPOO-TENTH LEVEL-LANDING PLATFORM-DAY



The battle between the clones and the droids rages through the sinkhole. OB-EWAN rides up to CLOWN COMMANDER COODY.



OB-EWAN: Contact your troops. Tell them to move to higher levels.



COODY: Peas.



OB-EWAN: What?



COODY: Oh, I have your sabre. You dropped it.



Ob-EWAN takes it.





OB-EWAN: Thanks. Peas?



COODY: Would you like fries with that?



OB-EWAN: Do you need a clone doctor?



COODY: Carry on.



OB-EWAN: (Shakes his head)



He rides up the cliff on his LIZARD



Then COODY's holo comm unit is activated and we see a holo of DARTH CHIN.



COODY starts choking.



CHIN: You left out the fries, you idiot! You beamed my cheeseburger and no FRIES!



COODY: Gak! Sorry master!



Chin releases him.



CHIN: Execute Order 69!



COODY: At once, my Lord.



Suddenly all the clones start killing each other and the droids all dance.



CHIN: Oops! I mean Order 71.



COODY: Oh! Duh!



He gestures towards OB-EWAN:



COODY: Blast him!



OB EWAN falls into a stagnant marsh, out of sight of the CLOWNS.



OB-EWAN: Gak! Pht! Ick!





INT. CORONATION- JEDI TEMPLE- ROOM FULL OF SCARED, HUDDLED, INNOCENT CHILDREN



Ray shields and Jandor Tarvin escort children onto a waiting ship before Manakin arrives.



MANAKIN enters to find them all gone. He sees a note left behind. He reads it: See you on MUFASA. I'm going to help OB-EWAN kick your Sith A**, punk.



EXT. MOSQUITO-DAWN



The sky slowly awakens to the crystal world of MOSQUITO. A battle rages. Clown troops battle the droid armies across a bridge. KI-ADDI-MONEY MONEY uses his brightsabre to deflect enemy fire. Clone Commander Baakura (THX-1138) exits a gunship near the entrance to the city. He rallies his troops to attack the city, then gets a message on his commlink.



DARTH CHIN: Time for Order 87.



BAAKURA: Okay.



The clones all start doing the chicken dance. The robots do (what else) the Robot.



DARTH CHIN: man! I mean Order 72!



BAAKURA: I can't do that in a PG-13 rated film, master.



CHIN: Oh, right. 71, then.



BAAKURA: Yes, My Lord, at once.



The Clown Commander looks to the main plaza of the city where KI-ADI leads the charge. The clones drive him to the bridge then force him off. They push a boulder after him. Surviving this (First Jedi Rule: Survive, after all), he easily swims away dodging blaster fire from the clones.



BAAKURA: Idiot! We could have shot him!



CLONE CAPTAIN COPY OF COPY: Sorry, sir.



EXT. FALLUJA-FOREST-DAY



A column of Clown Walkers marches across the forest floor. The Jedi Ayee Security and her clown troops brace for an ambush.



JAB-JAB RINKS: Steady, steady.



AYEE: What are you doing here? That's my line.



JAB-JAB: My no know. Mesa going away now, okeday?



Clone Commander Blight moves up behind the Jedi. They look around.



AYEE: Do you think they're droids?



BLIGHT: No, but that's an awfully annoying Glub-glub over there.



AYEE: I agree.



Suddenly all the clowns point their guns at the Jedi.



AYEE(thinking fast): I'll give you all 30 thousand Republic Dactaries apiece if you hunt down that Glub-glub over there and bring me his head. Right from the Jedi Treasury.



They all run after the Glub-glub.



AYEE: Idiots. There is no Jedi Treasury.



She flees.



EXT. CATO NEMATODA-CLONE FIGHTER COCKPIT-DAY



Clown watches a hologram of DARTH CHIN.



CHIN: I haven't gotten this right yet, so pay attention: Order 71.



CLOWN: What do you want me to order 71 of, master?



CHIN: The Jedi! Kill the blasted Jedi!



CLOWN PILOTS attempt to knock PLO-RAKOON out of the sky. PLO, sensing danger immediately (After all, do you think a wise Jedi Master would implicitly trust a bunch of clones?)manoevers away safely, taking a few clones out in the process.



EXT- SALAMI-SHAMI- FOREST-DAY



Three speeder bikes race through the forest, a Jedi- SOUSSED ALE-is in the lead. THe two clones following her attempt to drop back to get a clear shot at her but do not see the big tree behind them. They explode in a big fireball.



GL: What about all the continuity issues these surviving Jedi will cause?



study3600: Oh boo hoo.





EXT. KASHEW- EDGE OF VILAGE- DAY



A Clowntrooper comes up behind YOGA but he just turns around and says:



YOGA: There's no danger here. We made it after all.



Clowntrooper explodes.



SC INT-CORUSCANT (I'D GIVE IT A PARODY NAME BUT THIS IS A PRETTY SERIOUS SCENE HERE)-PATME'S APARTMENT-NIGHT



SEE-STINKY-O and PATME look out the apartment window.



STINKY-O: The Cameo's office indicated that Manakin has returned to the Jedi Temple to "take care of some buisiness with the children there." Don't worry, m'Lady, he'll protect them.



PATME: I have word from Jedi Master Jandor Tarvin Manakin tried to slaughter them.



STINKY-O: I'm so confused!



EXT. KASSHEW - HILLS OVERLOOKING LAKE - DUSK



YOGA stands with two COOKIES, CHUNKALUNK and TAFFY.



YOGA: Goodbye Chunkalunk and Taffy, miss you, I will. Good friends you are, even if you really smell. For your help-



CHUNKY barks and yells angrily at YOGA.



YOGA: Okay, you don't smell. But I would recommend a bath for both of-



CHUNKY and TAFFY move threateningly towards YOGA, and YOGA runs toward the COOKIEE POD, jumps in, and takes off.



INT. COOKIEE POD - COCKPIT



YOGA downs a bottle of Surge and throws the bottle on the floor.



EXT. CAPTAIN-ANT- CITYSCAPE-PRE-DAWN



The city planet is covered in a hazy glow. A column of black smoke arises from the distance. BAILY SMITS ' Speeder flies overhead, straight toward the smoke.



EXT. CORRECT-STANCE - JEDI TEMPLE -LANDING PLATFORM -PRE-DAWN



Jedi younglings are busy slaughtering CLOWN TROOPS and putting their BODIES in a big BONFIRE, thus the smoke.

BAILY SMITS lands his speeder on a Jedi Temple platform. FOUR JEDI YOUNGLINGS stand guard at the entrance to the TEMPLE. BAILY gets out of his Speeder and walks toward the YOUNGLINGS.



BAILY: What's going on here?



JEDI YOUNGLING 1: There's been a rebellion. The Clown Troopers have gone nuts. Don't worry, the situation is under control.



BAILY: Thank God!



JEDI YOUNGLING 2: You had better go and do what you can to help the Jedi. The Clones are trying to kill us for some reason.



BAILY: And so I must. I never trusted them anyway.



BAILY gets in his Speeder, which takes off into the cityscape.


EXT. UTAPOO-EDGE OF SINKHOLE-LATE DAY



OB-EWAN hides as two Clowntroops approach.



CLOWNTROOP 1: Did you find Ob-Ewan?



TROOP 2: Sir, no one could have survived that fall.



TROOP 1: Then you don't know Ob-Ewan McNobi. He's survived MUCH greater falls.



TROOP 2: Then let's keep searching.



OB-EWAN: (To himself) What's gotten into these troops? Why are they trying to kill me?



TROOP 2: Did you hear something, sir?



TROOP 1: That's just Ob-Ewan talking to himself again.



TROOP 2: Ok, let's keep searching.



OB-EWAN (Under his breath): Blooming idiots.



INT. OB-EWAN'S STARFIGHTER-UTAPOO-LATE DAY





INT. MUSTAFARFARAWAY-MAIN CONTROL CENTER-DAY



A HOLOGRAM of DARTH CHIN is in the center of the room.



NEWT RAYGUN and the the rest of the Separatist Coalition, led by COUNT DOODU'S DISEMBODIED HEAD ON A SPIDER BODY, PRESERVED BY DARK SIDE ENERGY and the NIGHTSISTERS by DARTH BLUDGEON (not present), who convinced the Sisters to give DOODU another chance after he and GENERAL GREEDY attacked DINTY-MOORE during the CLOWN WARS, and THANOS, who now has ALL FIVE INFINITY STONES IN HIS GAUNTLET, watch CHIN.



NEWT: This plan has gone as you had promised, my Lord.



CHIN: You have done well, Velcro. When my new Apprentice, Darth Vacuous, arrives, he will wipe you out. Allll of you!



All the Separatists except DOODU and THANOS look at each other with fear and trepidation, sweating bullets, as all the exit doors slam shut and lock from the outside.



CHIN: You are all royally screwed.



The hologram disappears.



DOODU: Fear not, my friends. When this "Vacuous" arrives, we'll be ready for him.



A plot hole opens up above their conference table. Out of it falls GENERAL GREEDY, onto the top of the table.



DOODU: You're just in time....for a Battle Royale!



INT. OB-EWAN'S STARFIGHTER-UTAPOO-LATE DAY



HOLOGRAM OF BAILY SMITS: Master McNobi!



OB-EWAN: Senator Smits! My Clown Troops turned on me! I need help!



BAILY: We have just rescued Master Yoga. It appears this ambush has happened everywhere. At first the Clowns were inept, having not tried killing Jedi, they were not able to at first, but they have apparently gotten at least a little better at killing them. So far, five Jedi have died at their hands, making these Clones a real threat. We're sending you our coordinates.



EXT. CORALSKUNK-PATME'S APARTMENT-PRE-DAWN



PATME stands before the window of her living room, watching the plume of smoke from the Jedi Temple, confused, befuddled and scared. STINKY-O enters from the bedroom.



STINKY-O: May I put my hand on one of your breasts, M'Lady?



PATME: No way! I have Clones, Manakin and Ob-Ewan for that. You keep your hands off me, hear?



STINKY-O: Nuts! Speaking of Manakin, he's here. By the way, M'Lady, I'm not blind, you know.



PATME: Then from now on, stay in the living room when I'm disrobed! Pervert of a droid!



STINKY-O: I am fully functional, you know. Programmed in multiple techniques!



PATME: What do I look like, Lieutenant Yar? Stay here while I go to my hubby!



STINKY-O: As you wish. (Winks)



PATME: Ugh!



EXT. CORUSHRIMPSCAMPI-PATME'S APARTMENT-VERANDA-PRE-DAWN



PATME rushes onto the veranda as MANAKIN exits his PUKEY LIME GREEN COLORED JEDI STARFIGHTER. They embrace.



PATME: Are you all right? I heard that you tried to kill Jedi Younglings!



MANAKIN: Lies, Patme. I was there killing Clones.



PATME: That's good. I was afraid you'd turned to the Dark Side or something.



MANAKIN: Naw, baby! Let's make some serious love before I go to Mustafarfaraway to kick some major Separatist a** there and end this war!



PATME: You know your machoness turns me on, honeybabe. (Grabs Manakin by the hand) Let's go to bed!



INT. PATME'S APARTMENT-CORRECTORINCORRECTANT?-MORNING





CAPTION: Two hours and a half later....



Manakin and Patme are on a couch, talking. STINKY-O interrupts.





STINKY-O: M'Lady, I'm not deaf, either.



PATME: Shut it, Goldenrod!





MANAKIN: What's he talking about?



PATME: He wants me.



STINKY-O: Well, I never!



MANAKIN (Enraged) If you ever touch my wife, I'll melt you down after slicing off your arms and legs with my brightsabre and shoving them into your eye sockets, you hear me?



STINKY-O: I'll shut off my audio sensors next time you make love to your wife.



MANAKIN: Good. Because I am your Maker! I brought you into this world, and I sure as hell can take you out of it! Are we understood?



STINKY-O: Understood!



R2-D2: (Beeps)



SEE-STINKY-O: What is going on?



R2-D2: You're going with Master Manakin to an classified world?



R2-D2: (Beeps)



STINKY-O: You can't be any more confused than I am. Take care, my friend.



Patme watches from a window as MANAKIN boards his ship, and takes off.



EXT. ALL-DRAINED STARCRUISER-SPACE



OB-EWAN'S ship docks with BAILY SMITS' STARCRUISER



164 INT. ALL-DRAINED-STARCRUISER-HALLWAY-DAY



The door to the main hallway slides open. OB-EWAN enters and is greeted by YOGA and BAILY SMITS. The three walk down the hallway.



BAILY SMITS: You made it. Phew that was close! I'm still shakin'!



YOGA: Master Kenobi, dark times are these. But damn, why so bright in here it is? What's with all the white?



BAILY SMITS: We're the good guys remember? Can you picture Darth in white? I think not.



OB-EWAN: You were attacked by your Clones, also?



YOGA: With the help of the Cookiees, barely escape, I did. But seen it, you should have. When I jumped up on his shoulder, laugh the whole audience did! Seriously hilarious it was. (slaps his leg and jumps around)



OB-EWAN: Any other Jedi survive?



YOGA: Most. But the Clowns are slowly but surely getting better and better at hunting Jedi. Soon, there will be few Jedi left if this rate keeps up. Start from small things, large things often do. Now fifteen Jedi have died by our last count. Tomorrow, it may be up to a hundred.



OB-EWAN: I'm thinking in particular of MANAKIN. It would save me a lot of blood, sweat and tears if he were already offed. OOPS. Never mind, forget what I just said.



BAILY SMITS: I saw thousands of troops in an big bonfire made by some of the Younglings at the Jedi Temple. But rumor has it one Pooan Temple Guard turned on the rest of the temple guards and slaughtered them. I was sooooo scared. I've still got goosebumps, see?



OB-EWAN: Have we had any contact from the Temple?



YOGA: Received a coded retreat message, we have.



BAILY SMITS: It requests all Jedi to return to the Temple. It says that the war is over . . . and there will be peas.



YOGURT: Huh? Peas?! I'm hungry, good that sounds!



OB-EWAN: Well, then we must go back! If there are other stragglers, they will get OUR peas!!



BAILY SMITS: It's too dangerous to return. Scary! Mean people might hurt me!



YOGA: Suggest dismantling the coded signal, do you?



OB-EWAN: Duh, Master. There are too many peas at stake here, and we need a clearer picture of what has happened.



YOGA: Duh. (He waves his stick and it hits BAILY in the head)



BAILY SMITS: Owie. (He rubs his head, and his elbow hits OB-EWAN in the face)



OB-EWAN: Wise guy!! (smacks YOGA)



YOGA: N'yuck n'yuck n'yuck!



A Three Stooges-style fight ensues.



INT. CRUISER-COCKPIT



The Republic Cruiser heads toward Croissant. OB-EWAN, BAILY, YOGA, and TWO PILOTS sit in the COCKPIT.



PILOT: We are receiving a message from the Cameo's office, sir.



BAILY: Send it through.



PILOT: Yes, sir.



The PILOT pushes some buttons. MAMMA MIA appears onscreen.



MAMMA MIA: Senator Smits.....The Supreme Cameo of The Republic requests your presence at a special session of Congress.



BAILY: Tell the Cameo I will be there.



MAMMA MIA: Very well. He will be expecting you.



MAMMA MIA'S image disappears from the screen.



BAILY: It could be a trap.



ADMIRAL FISHHEAD: It's a trap!



PRINCESS LEE: Marcus, Don't, It's a trap! It's a trap!



OB-EWAN: I don't think so. He probably wants to distribute free cans of peas. He did say there will be peas.



YOGA: If a special session of Congress there is, easier for us to enter the Jedi Temple it will be, and we will have all the peas we could ever eat. There will be plenty of peas to go around for all.



OB-EWAN'S stomach rumbles audibly.



OB-EWAN: Peas go good in tuna and noodles. Can I make tuna and noodles to go with our peas?





YOGA: That sounds like a plan.



EXT. MUSTAFARFARAWAY-SPACE


MANAKIN'S Jedi Starfighter heads for the hazy blood-red planet of Mustafarfaraway.



EXT. MUSTAFARFARAWAY-LANDING PLATFORM-DAY



MANAKIN lands. His cockpit opens as R2-D2 pops from the ship with a happy BEEP.

POTATO DANGEROUS: That's right, happy beeps.

MANAKIN: Artoo, stay with the ship.



INT. MUSTAFARFARAWAY-CONTROL ROOM



The door opens and MANAKIN appears in the doorway.



GREEDY and DOODU IN UNISON: MANAKIN! You're Darth Vacuous?!?



MANAKIN'S power passes through the air to close the door. He ignites his brightsabre.



DOODU: GREEDY, attack!



MANAKIN: Finally a brightsabre duel between Manakin Streetwalker and General Greedy! Thanks, George, for never writing us one in your scripts! Thanks, study3600, for being kind enough to match us up in a duel like George never cared to and Dave Filoni couldn't!



study3600: Your welcome. Well, fight already! (Munches popcorn).



VACUOUS and GREEDY strike swords tit for tat masterfully, arm, arm, arm, two arms met by Manakin's blade at once, arm, three arms met at once, GREEDY starting to also wield a fifth sabre with one of his feet, plus his four arms, and still VACUOUS blocks each blow, but it is a stalemate, until DOODU joins in the fray with six sabres in addition to GREEDY'S five, and MANAKIN still fends off every blow and makes some counterblows of his own, lopping off two of DOODU'S MECHA-LEGS, and one of GREEDY'S ARMS, yet MANAKIN in the meantime has managed to impale NEWT through his throat out the back of his Nematodan skull, and slice and dice every other Seperatist leader except Thanos, who threatens MANAKIN with snapping his fingers if he comes anywhere near him, and MANAKIN turns every TINKER DRONE in the room into a scrap heap.



Manakin's power passes through the air to open the door as the three combatants and one threatening observer take the battle out of doors.


INT. CRESCENT ROLL-JEDI TEMPLE-MAIN ENTRANCE-LATE DAY



A DOZEN CLOWN TROOPERS stand guard at the entrance of the JEDI TEMPLE.



YOGA makes a sound like a Krayt Dragon and they all sceam and run off with their arms flailing in the air.



OB-EWAN: I'm going to have to use that trick someday....



YOGA: Dismantle the coded signal quickly so we can get our peas and make our noodle dish. I bought plenty of Chicken of the Sea Tuna and Helman's Mayonnaise-it's in my satchel!



OB-EWAN: I bought eight boxes of Barrilla elbow macaroni.



YOGA: Then let's go.



EXT. CROISSANT-WICH-SENATORIAL BUILDING-SUNSET



The ugly, blocky Senatorial hothouse building with concrete walls, a flat asphalt roof and no windows or ventilation looms over the city. The endless traffic continues to clutter the skyline.





INT. SENATORIAL CHAMBER-PLACE-DAY-CORNALSHANT



PALIPATINE: ...The Jedi Rebellion had been foiled, leaving my face hideously damaged.



RANDOM SENATOR: You need botox!



PALIPATINE force-lightnings him. The unfortunate SENATOR screams and dies as his pod crashes on the floor of the senate and explodes. PALIPATINE waves his hand.



PALIPATINE: You didn't see that.